Tuesday, March 19, 2013

People with whom I will never be able to be friends

There are a few people in this world that, based on what they do, I know we would never be able to be friends.

Not like serial killers or people who organize dog fights--I mean, I don't think we'd be friends either, but I'd be willing to hear them out if they wanted to try and explain why they got to that place that led them to kill all those men, or whatever.

Here's what I mean: there are some things I see/hear/experience in others that make me recoil so violently that I know, deep inside, even if you offered me love and money and support and trips and other great things,  we could not be friends.

Here are some of those people.

1.  The test panel of people who approved the Charmin commercial campaign with the bears.

If you sat in a room with Charmin decision makers who showed you a commercial with cartoon child-bears talking about how using Charmin toilet paper helps keep your underwear more clean, and you told them that you think it would funny and effective, or if you listened to other people say that in horror and did not speak up, we will never, ever be friends. 

2.  Whoever invented the "My Other Car is a __________" license plate frame.

Disclaimer--I don't fault you for sporting one on your own car.  It's not your fault some asshole invented them.  It's like how so many people fault Jesus for natural disasters--I fault the creator for bringing those things to be.  Your other car is a Toyota.  Sure.  Your other car is an SUV.  Got it.  Your other car is a scuba tank?  That seems really ineffective.  Like, when you sit on top of your scuba tank and try to start it with your keys, what happens?  It doesn't do anything?  Right, because it's not a car.  Your other car can't be not a car.  We aren't friends, that guy.

3.  People who wear two polos at once.


4.  The exec who decided to move forward with hiring "guy without a shirt" or "girl in a bathing suit" to stand outside the Abercrombie and Fitch store.

We can all acknowledge that attractive people without a lot of clothes on can serve as an attention getter.  Whatever, it's real life.  But it's so disgustingly whorey to initiate this conversation:
"We sell clothes geared toward high school kids, right?"
"Yeah we do."
"High school students like...what do they like...things that smell good, loud music, jokes, free stuff, group dates, indy movies..."
"Oh, do high school kids like people without a lot of clothes?"
"I mean, I guess they might?" 
"Well if they don't, we could probably set it up so they think they should, huh?"
"I mean, sure.  Yeah, why not?"

You assholes.

5.  People who celebrating tricking others because "if they deserved to be treated honestly, they wouldn't have been stupid enough to be tricked."

These people may as well be tricking tiny babies out of their baby allowance, and LAAHHVVVING IT.  I used to do it to my brother all the time (sorry), but I'm not proud of it, and have since made reparations. 
Nothing (other than the above four things) make me as mad as hearing a story about how someone got someone else to pay them WAY MORE than something was worth because they knew that that person wouldn't be any the wiser.  No, I cannot congratulate you on making $1500 more on your car than it's worth, because you just made someone pay you $2500 for a vehicle that is in such bad shape that you were told it was only worth $1000.  That's not savvy, that's messed up, and now I hope it happens to you.  Soon.

6.  People who park in two spots intentionally.

I have to believe none of you do this, because it's easily my least creative pet peeve of all time.  Everyone I love hates this. 
I have, however, decided to make this the one "Shan-injustice" that I actually do something about.  I now carry sticky notes with me at all times, and write passive aggressive notes to leave on those peoples' windshields.  My goal is not to inform them that they've bothered me--they have to know that when they park.  My goal is to make them feel just a little douchey.  My notes say things like:
--You're very important!  Park anywhere you like!
--You're much better than people who park in only one space!
--It's very cool that your car means more to you than __________ (insert name of anyone else who may also be here today).
--I wanted to park so close that you couldn't get into your car, but who tries to make a statement by parking, am I right??
--I am positive that you and I could never be friends.

You get the idea.

Anyway, I have no idea how to end blog entries.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013


I routinely forget if the Magic Bullet is the little food chopper or the vibrator, and flush every time it's mentioned, because it's hard to tell which people are referring to sometimes.

"Used my Magic Bullet this morning, and I feel great."

Damn it.