Tuesday, October 8, 2013

This toilet totally hates you

Dear people,

I'm the worst toilet ever, and I hate you.
You want to protect your hands from the germs that are all over my handle?  NO WAY BITCHES.  You either have to somehow manage a Karate-Kid-style flying crane kick in this 3x3 foot space that doesn't result in you falling into onto my very, very unsanitary floor, or you have to grab a bunch more toilet paper, wad it up, use it as a shield to pull that lever, then drop it in my bowl REAL fast, because if you miss that brief window, you'll have to pull, wad, flush and drop all over again, AND deal with everyone wondering just what you did in there to necessitate a double-flush.
Wearing a pencil skirt?  Try the Karate Kid kick.  Come on.  I dare you.
Oh, and here's another little surprise for you--there's pee drops all OVER my black seat, and you can't see them, because urine-yellow doesn't really stand out on black lacquer (blacquer [you're welcome]). 
"Oh, no problem, I'll notice the slowly spreading dots of suspicious liquid dampening my toilet seat cover when I carefully place it on the seat," you say.
Well joke's on you, jerks.  I don't offer toilet seat covers here, because the handy little space on the wall where it should be mounted is currently occupied by my TOWERING SKY-SCRAPER HANDLE.  So come on, have a seat, and only then feel someone else's cold pee on your ass-cheeks, when it's much too late to do anything about it.  Trust me, if they have the clap, you have it too.
At least my walls are really shiny, so you can watch yourself dealing with all of this.
So yeah, basically this isn't going to be a pleasant break for you.

Best wishes,
this toilet