The Isht I Buy

How I feel the week after trying a new workout.

2012-03-05T14:39:00.001-08:00

Am I the only one who's happy to lose internet privacy?

2012-03-01T11:49:00.003-08:00

Ok, call me crazy, but here's where I'm at:

Google is now checking in on my browsing history...so they can see what I look at...which tells them what I'm interested in...which allows them to target ads based on those interests...which means the ads that I'm already seeing online will now actually apply to me.

Why is everyone so mad again??

It's not like they're adding MORE ads...they're just making the ads I already see actually relevant. I am only excited about this. No more ads to remedy mens' potency problems, cook vegetarian entrees or travel to Baton Rouge...more ads about red wine and shoes and Old Faithful. You aren't taking my privacy, Google, I'm giving it to you.

REASONS YOU ARE ALL UP IN ARMS ABOUT THIS:

--You look at porn all the time.
I get that--I wouldn't want whoever is on my computer to see ads for Hardcore Topless Girls on Bikes or Bottomless Men at a Mall (I don't really keep up with porn). They will for sure know what you Google when they're not around (or in the bathroom). That's your own call. Maybe time for a personal computer and a PERSONAL computer?

--You Google your own credit card information, SSN and mother's maiden name all the time.
Ok, that might make me nervous too, knowing that Google is using that on my behalf.

--You always get up in arms about featured stories on Yahoo.
I'm sure this qualifies as a Yahoo feature, so that makes sense.

--You're that girl who copies and pastes other people's status updates on Facebook as long as they claim that "the government" and "businesses" are trying to hurt us.
Again, I can't fight you if you're that girl. This totally qualifies as one of "those" things.

--You think what you do online is private.
Yeah...see above. I'm not going to win any arguments with that girl.

--You didn't read the part where Google promises they don't sell information that will allow someone to steal your identity.
Just read that part...you'll feel a little better, I promise. I mean, sure, maybe a company could steal your identity in that they could start loving everything you love, but not in that they can open a Swiss bank account in your name (no one does that--it's usually the other way around...they take money from your already existing Swiss account/s).

If any of those things apply to you, I know you're aaaall up in arms. But take a moment with me and think about it.

Did you do it? Ads that apply to you?

Do things seem a little better?

It's ok if they don't. I'm always making shiz up, and I'm pretty sure I don't understand the actual changes at all.

Hugs!

Dear 3.7, 1150 white girl,

2012-02-28T14:13:00.001-08:00

You aren't getting into Stanford.

Best,
Shannon

Lifelong lessons from being a stay-at-home-Aunty for a week

2012-02-27T14:45:00.006-08:00

So I had the pleasure of babysitting my good friends’ kids for six days a couple of weeks ago, and it was

DELIGHT.

I mean, I was excited in the first place to actually have kids with me to justify all of the kid things I already do, but I was also a little nervous, because I am no one’s mama (that I know of), and was concerned that I had little-to-no idea what I was doing. But these kids are so great, and it was so fun, and I loved it. We went to the movies in Hollywood, an elementary school Sweetheart's Dance (my first school dance), played with dogs, chickens and goats, rode bikes, drove with the convertible top down on Tiny Car, went to Jamba Juice, painted canvas bags and boxes, made our own pizzas and fortune cookies, gorged on apples and carrots, made it to softball practice and tae kwon do, cleaned our rooms, watched movies on the wall with the projector, sang Rihanna, got lost, did homework, flat ironed hair, rubbed aloe on booty rashes, wrote postcards for mom and dad, played at Chuck E Cheese, watched Looney Toons in bed...it was a lovely week.

It was, though, a completely different world. Like, I-have-no-idea-how-some-people-do-this-all-the-time world. There are just so many moving pieces to every day! So I kept track of most of the great, insightful and hilarious things that happened.

Never forget, never forget.

I actually kept a physical list because a—I wanted to be sure to tell my friends (their mom and dad), and b—I felt like I was accomplishing more because I was writing things down.

For your reference, Guy is the 6 year old boy, Lil' Lady is the 8 year old girl--both of them were with me all six days. Grrrl is the 3 year foster daughter who was with me for one day, and Squidward is the 4 month old foster son, also with me for a day. You know, I just didn't want to trumpet other people's kids' names all up in hurrr. I think that's a safety concern or something.

Anyway. Life lessons:

Things about having (like “acquiring” having, not like “birthing” having) kids that I never, ever knew:

--for every child, you get at least three loads of laundry a week. I had the 6 and 8 year old for six days, the 3 year old for a day and the 4 month old for a day, and I did at LEAST ten loads of laundry. At least. And I somehow ended up with about 30 unmatched socks. I'm not exaggerating.

--for every child, you get one load of dishes a day. I didn’t cook any elaborate meals (just in case you were wondering, which I’m sure you weren’t), and we still had at least two full loads of dishes a day. I washed dishes I had never seen.

--for every child, you get a full bag of trash in your car. At the end of my stay, I cleaned out my car and found handfuls of candy wrappers (we weren’t supposed to have sugar until we were done with dinner…sneaky), crayons (we never colored in the car), trash from toys that I never saw (where did they get full toys??!), Frito's (so many Frito's), ten Sunday School papers/handouts (we only went once), a coupon for a free ice cream for reading 15 minutes a day (may have kept this) cleaner spray for a whiteboard, and more.

--for every child, add ten minutes to expected times. If you want to leave at 8:00 a.m., you have to tell the two kids you’re leaving at 7:40. Every time, every day, no matter what, someone can’t find a shoe, forgets a jacket, loses a book, suddenly has to pee, forgot to get a snack, lost a page of math homework…

--for every child, you have to increase the number of times you ask them to brush their teeth two times before it happens. I get it…it’s an annoying chore. But one kid—two times and they do it. Two kids…two times for her, she keeps getting distracted by the other kid, he’s not brushing his teeth, etc., so two more times for her, then she does it. Then the same story for the other one.

--kids need to eat twice as often as I do, and 80% healthier. I like to have a latte in the morning, and one large meal--lunch or dinner. Sometimes, I'll snack on other stuff. Kids actually eat three meals a day...and there are snacks in between. I figured that they'd want more meals, so I was set for that. The snacks were a surprise. Also, after the first awesome night of making our own pizzas, I realized that we ate no fruits and veggies at all, other than the unusually large amount of onions I put on mine, and they didn't say a word...those guyyyyysss! So I may have over done it after that, and made fruits and veggies a part of EVERYTHING we did, including bringing apples to their favorite pizza place, and forcing the kids to eat them before we played games. I didn't really have to force...they're so good. And they like apples.

I also instituted a "No Fun Dip Rule" after day one. Lesson learned.

--kids are always at 100% energy all the time...it's just divided up differently.

For me...when I'm just waking up, I like to think I operate at 60% or so. I don't have the other 40%.

For just-waking-up kids, it's still 100%...it's just 40% awake, 20% asleep, 15% confused, 5% angry and 20% hilarious.

For bedtime-but-we-don't-want-to-go-to-bed (which only happened once, really. Such good kids.), it's 45% tired, 5% hilarious, 10% mad, 28% desperate and 12% completely crazy.

For I-am-happy-you're-here-but-also-hope-you-take-us-out-to-eat kids, it's 20% sweet, 30% completely adorable, 12% desperate, 33% creative, 5% hungry.

For I-need-a-snack-and-hope-it's-gonna-be-a-Fun-Dip kids, it's 35% hungry, 11% tricky, 9% irrational, 20% hilarious, 5% smart and 20% hopeful.

For it's-my-first-school-dance-and-I'm-regretting-agreeing-to-go kids, it's 20% terrified, 20% regretful, 15% hopeful, 11% excited, 12% confused and 22% really, really cute.

I could go on, but you get it. Moms have to handle 100% kids, 100% of the time. Props, moms.

Hilarious things these kids said that I am still laughing about. The list is ranked, but not really, because I have so many tied for number one. Guy is full of insight and observation, and Lil’ Lady is wildly grown up.

9. At Color Me Mine, Guy walks in and sees McDonald's trash in the trash can, and to the man behind the counter, says: "Let me guess...you ate McDonald's."

8. After experiencing the roof coming down on Tiny Car for the first time, Guy: “I’m going to go the bank like ten times and get enough money to buy one of these transformer cars for me. What kind is it again? Because my parents already have like $100, so ten trips to the bank will probably be enough. Actually, I think I'll go back to the bank one extra time so I can get money for a phone.”

7. After I commented on the red blood-paint that he painted on the inside of his snake box at Color Me Mine, the day before Super Hero dress up Day at school, Guy: "I like blood more than super heroes...but not my own blood."

6. Upon getting onto Hollywood Blvd, Guy: "Man, I am a fan!"

5. Lil’ Lady, commenting on the 4 month old not crying all day: "Squidward loves you. That means you're ready to get married and have a baby."

4. Lil’ Lady, at Chuck E Cheese: "Guy, why did you already cash in your tickets?"

Guy: "Because I want to pretend like I'm saving them...but I'm not."

3. Lil’ Lady to me regarding the Sweethearts Dance that we attended: "Uh, do you know how to do hair? Because I miiight have asked a boy to the dance."

2. After Lil’ Lady added her movie popcorn to her home popcorn (don’t tell that we had two popcorn treats in one day): "Is it weird to mix my popcorns?" Guy: "No, it's just like science."
End of conversation. I love that kid.

1. From the bath, after I told both of them that we were going to have 10 minutes of super clean up before we watched a movie, Guy: “AUNTY SHANNON!!! I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT YOU AND LIL’ LADY CAN START THE CLEAN UP TIME WITHOUT ME IF YOU WANT TO BECAUSE I AM STILL TAKING A BATH.”

1. At church, Guy, in the church library, looking for a Bible, upon selecting a book called “The Hole in our Gospel”: Me: "Oh, Guy, that actually isn't a Bible." Guy: "Yeah it is...look...it says Holy Gospel."

1. Guy randomly (and inconsistently) referring to any private parts as "bitties." For example:
--"That ball just hit me in right the bitties!!!"
--"Lil’ Ladyyyyy pull up your towel, I can see your bitties!"
--"I have to wear underwear so no one sees my bitties."

1. First night at bedtime, in response to me saying “Goodnight Guy.”, referring to Grrrl, the three year old foster sister: "I ate Grrrl. Goodnight Grrrl (rubs tummy)."

I am still laughing about all of this.

All in all, so much fun, so much learning. I was tired at the beginning, but got used to things in not too much time, and at the end, was a little sad to go.

I love other people's babies. Especially the hilarious ones. I will love on this week for all time.

first, imagine a skinny kid doing a jump kick.

2012-02-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

This is not a good deal, Mattress Discounter.

2012-02-02T12:00:00.001-08:00

"You'll always get Mattress Discounter's lowest price, or your mattress is free."

Right, because I'm shopping at Mattress Discounter. Did I need to bd concerned that you weren't offering me your own lowest price?

Facebook is killing me OR The end of some of my friendships.

2012-02-01T13:45:00.000-08:00

I have a bad feeling that I will regret posting this, but I have held off for like a year, so I'm just gonna go for it. When you've got all this music in you...

**If one of these is from your Facebook, that means you KNOW me, and you KNOW that it's all for the love. I'm not making fun of you...just Facebook business. You know that, right? Look how much work I did to hide your identity. We are still friends. We are still friends. Please still be friends with me.**

So sometimes (often) I take screenshots of things on Facebook that I think are hilarious.

Here are some of them.

We aren't sure, but we might love you??

First of all, let me remind you that "not" is not back, but second, and more importantly, this is something that only your mom should have to hear.

We get it, you started learning Hebrew. Just post that though, because this FOR SURE did not happen. Like nothing you do to try and convince me that this happened will convince me that this happened.

Wait, it is?? So in training dogs, the owner is just a really smart dog?? I'm not sure that's what you meant to say.

This is only funny in context, which I'm about to provide:

Article Sharer: a good friend who grew up going to church a lot
First Commenter: a college friend she knew when she didn't go to church a lot
Second Commenter: sharer's childhood pastor

Just imagining them reading each others' comments made my whole hour.

Most disjointed update ever. I love this. But wait...are you trying to tell me that your dishes are done with all of the BS that comes along with doing taxes, or that your taxes are done with the relative ease of doing dishes? Also, I'm cramping.

Your kind of afternoon sounds AWFUL.
I don't know whether to love the actual status update more, or the comment. I mean, if you think about it (or really, if you don't), shredded paper is always recycling, no matter where it ends up. And I'm not convinced loose paper counts as litter, or that city trucks disburse it. Disperse it? Oh man, I just realized I have no idea.

Steps to editing your status the right way:
1. Post your status
2. See "Oops! I made a typo!"
3. Delete your status
4. Post the accurate status
5. Sigh in relief that no one out there saw your potentially message-altering mistake

Steps to editing your status the wrong way:
1. Post your status
2. See "Oops! I made a typo!"
3. Leave a comment on your own status, correcting the mistake with a sttaaaarrr!
4. Realize that by doing so, you've directed attention to the fact that you made the mistake in the first place
5. Brace yourself for all of the comments (both on and off Facebook) laughing at your mistake that literally makes your status mean the opposite of what you wanted it to mean.

Not Facebook, obviously, but come on, The News...cut the FBI some slack with the quote-y fingers. They're after a man named DB Cooper. Come on. DB Cooper.

YIKES.

That's a really strong reaction to a sale at a craft store.

I actually think it's because a computer mouse doesn't have any arms or legs.

Wait, so are we "lmao" or "serious" about this??

But let's not be dramatic about it.

I'm not sure you understand the whole "Is it just me, or..." thing. Because yeah, if you're being honest here, apparently you do really sit on the toilet longer to play games. You don't have to ask us.

Come on. Why not just hold off until his actual birthday? I don't think I know anyone who needs a forewarning on this.
"Ohhh I wish I'd known last week so I could prepare for the anniversary of Duke Ellington's birth!"
But really, congrats on knowing when his birthday is.

"Ohmigosh this is totally my favorite song but I don't know the title or who sings it but I love it!"

Oh man. Bottom comment followed by top comment. I just can't love it enough.

Right...because everything is quick...because it's an instant...

See former true hatred with sharing a Facebook account. This is better than any case-in-point I could've created.

Actually, based on his status...I'm pretty sure the only thing we know for sure is that you don't feel his pain.

"So I'm not sure if you know this or not, but I know Matt. But this is about him. But I for sure know him."

It's hard to fault someone for self-promotion when they actually make it a thank you note. I'm pretty sure this person thought long and hard about how to make that work.

Context: The second commenter is the girl who posted this status about being ready to "just birth this baby already!" J offers great advice...then another set of great advice...and claims both led to her baby being born when he was. I mean, thanks for the support, but I don't think we can claim that everything you did on the day your kid was born led to that kid being born.

"Earlier today, I was in a line of three cars at the coffee cart, and I had 11 emails when I came back from lunch."

This is my status update attempting to generically mock all of the Facebook buzz about someone else's wedding. BACKFIRE.

Second comment. Nasty.

Rih...I think your Facebook was hacked.

Really? That was a great day? Also, let's just refresh...that hyphen grammatically means that you did all of the remaining list items at Forest Lawn Cemetery, and if they serve brats...I'm gonna be weirded out.

Again, I don't know whether I like the request (for funds for a fun-not-missions-trip to Israel) or the responses more...from a Facebook friend...which should mean a real life friend............."get a job."

"I mean, cool photo and all, but really, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JJAANNNN!!!!"

]
I thought I was full of first world problems until I read this. I know you hate it, but kids in Mumbai really, really, really love your life. :)

Really? THAT'S her day?? "Bluueebluebleeeebleblahh that's your day and you're welcome."

"So let me make this simple, Auntie: I AM BETTER THAN UNCLE JIM."

"I need someone to block out a full day to come to my house and help with manual labor...and your payment will be cookies or ice cream. I said OR. Do not expect both."

I can't stop laughing about this.

Repeat offender. Friend, this is worth an actual edit. Some guy died.

Disagree on every level. That should DEFINITELY not be three sentences. Also, why on earth would having a Barbie with no hair somehow help a kid with cancer in any way? I don't think they feel bad because there isn't a female doll that doesn't look like them from the forehead up. And let's be real, Barbies can't donate proceeds...they're dolls.

1--I feel like we need to revisit what "BIGGEST" and "big" mean.
2--If you give anyone the choice of five OR ten dollars AND/OR dinner, I'm pretty sure they'll pick ten dollars and dinner.
3--This is really asking a lot...maybe offering to meet the person somewhere, or paying them around what their gas will actually cost would help. Just saying.

ARE YOUR KIDS OK?

I love Facebook so much for things like this, and I also hate Facebook so much for things like this. SOSOsosososssoooo glad we're still for SURE friends.

Worst Twitter Ever

2012-01-31T15:27:00.000-08:00

This is not real, so don't get your hopes up.

My brother and I know someone who is super nice, and super boring. Seriously, a conversation with him is like talking to an Almanac...not in that he's really knowledgeable, but in that it's extremely factual and to the point...no fluff...no character...no fun. Here's how an actual conversation went once:

Brother: Hey man, nice truck. Is it new?
Him: Yeah, it's reliable.
Brother: Cool.

End of conversation. There's nowhere to go from there.

Anyway, said person started a Twitter (in real life), which led to an hour long text exchange between my brother and me predicting this guy's future tweets. I laughed and laughed (alone, on the couch). Here are my favs from that convo, and more that I've been thinking of all day, because I can't stop thinking about it.

"Buckled up today. #clickitorticket"
"Drove 11 miles. #goodgasmileage"
"Watched the debates last night. #crooks"
"Finished my homework on time. #goodplanning"
"Youth group later. #godofwonders"
"Got peaches on sale. #lookwhatsinseason"
"Got the truck washed. #takecareofitittakescareofyou"
"Just ate a sugar-free pudding. #halfthecalories"
"10 year record low this morning. #wheresglobalwarming"
"Just finished Everybody Loves Raymond episode. #tbsreallydoesknowfunny"
"Shouldn't have had my steak rare. #texasbeef"
"Downloaded Courageous in 15 minutes. #whyipayforhighspeed"
"Blizzards half off tonight. #meetmeatdq"
"Hung up all my plants. #pleats"
"Going home to work on my elevator speech. #FBLA"
"A movie with Zooey Deschanel...I'll be there twice. #cutebeatshot"
"Kissed a girl and kept my hands to myself. #truelovewaits"
"Ran a mile. #workingonmyfitness"
"Brushed my teeth for the full 3 minutes. #nodentures"
"Ate a sno-cone. #cornsyrupisthesameassugar"
"Called home. #familymatters"
"Stayed up until ten studying. #noregrets"
"Always chew more than I think I should. #dontwanttochoke"
"Can't wait to support my team. #sports"
"Ate some great ice cream earlier. #benandjerrys"

This could literally be an all day thing. Can't wait to see how the world's most boring person fares on the Twitter.

Worth justifying: anything a kid does is funnier if that kid is chubs

2012-01-30T15:46:00.001-08:00

Imagine skinny kids doing these things:

--smashing their face with their hands
--laughing like crazy
--eating cake and getting it all over their faces
--running
--wearing a shirt that's a little too small

Your thoughts? I'm gonna assume a lot right here.

--smashing their face with their hands: "No big deal, kids do weird stuff all the time, and she probably did it because you asked her where her nose was, which was annoying."

--laughing like crazy: "Yeah, that is pretty funny. Laughter begets laughter, right?" (that's right assholes...begets)

--eating cake and getting it all over their faces: "Every kid does this at one point or another...it's not really that funny unless it's your own kid, which I don't even know for sure, because I don't (think I) have any. I do like cake though."

--running: "Unless they fall or something, not too funny."

--wearing a shirt that's a little too small: "I just wonder why they don't have another shirt on. Doesn't your mom have clothes that fit you?"

Now imagine chubby kids doing these things:

--smashing their face with their hands
--laughing like crazy
--eating cake and getting it all over their faces
--running
--wearing a shirt that's a little too small

And again, your thoughts (a LOT of poetic license):

--smashing their face with their hands: "OMG...THERE IS SO MUCH FACE. AND IT'S SO MUCH MORE EVIDENT WHEN IT'S ALL MUSHED UP. IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'T TELL WHERE THE CHEEK ENDS AND THE CHIN BEGINS."

--laughing like crazy: "OMG...LOOK AT HIS BABY JOWLS JIGGLING WITH EACH LAUGH. I CANNOT STOP STARING AT WHERE HIS EYES SHOULD BE BUT AREN'T BECAUSE OF ALL OF THE CHUB AND LAUGHING."

--eating cake and getting it all over their faces: "OMG IT'S SO FUNNY BECAUSE HE IS ALREADY CHUBBY AND EATING CAKE...SOMEONE IS FOR SURE GOING TO POST THIS PICTURE ON FACEBOOK WITH A SARCASTIC COMMENT AND IT WILL BE IN HIS WEDDING SLIDESHOW AND WE'LL ALL REMEMBER IT. KEEP EATING THAT CAKE LIKE WE ALL WANT TO."

--running: "OMG...LOOK AT EVERYTHING BOUNCING. DO NOT EVEN PUT THIS IN SLOW MOTION LATER."

--wearing a shirt that's a little too small: "OHHHHHHMG THAT SHIRT SHOULD FIT HIM BUT IT DOESN'T BUT IT WOULD FIT ANOTHER KID HIS AGE. LOOKS AT THE TUMMY ROLLS AND ARM ROLLS AND CHIN ROLLS POPPING OUT."

PROOF POSITIVE: Funny kids are best, and chubby kids are funniest, ergo chubby kids are best.

**It's cool for me to say all of this because I was a ten pounder at birth.

Here's something I hate...

2012-01-30T14:06:00.001-08:00

When people do something they thought for SURE would kill it, and look around at everyone expectantly....waiting...and making everyone feel uncomfortable.

If you went for it and it wasn't funny (which happens to me often because a GOOD NUMBER of things I think are so funny no one else really does...dogs in drivers' seats, anything a chubby kid does, the sound two full jars make when clunked together...), just move on. It's cool. We all do it, and we all hate when we're forced into a reaction.

Scenes from a train

2012-01-29T09:07:00.001-08:00

"Ladies and gentlemen, our next stop is Glendale, nine minutes. That means in nine minutes...we're gonna be in Glendale!!!!

I gotta meet this crew.

My In-Depth Movie Reviews: First Edition

2012-01-26T09:06:00.001-08:00

DO NOT SEE ONE MORE MOVIE UNTIL YOU SEE THE IRON LADY. I WILL BE SO MAD IF YOU DO!!!

WHAT???

2012-01-25T10:21:00.001-08:00

From an actual student application today:

“I desire only to save my genes mailmen for my future wife, only after I get married to her.”

I'm dying right now...not in the good way. I'm literally (not literally at all--look at all these words) speechless.

Your future wife is in for a reeeeal treat.

PS get your grammatical shiz together, kid. The apostrophe lives.

this is real.

2012-01-24T14:26:00.000-08:00

I derive an unusual amount of air in my self-esteem balloon (thanks, DARE Officer Lewsader) because of the fact that one of my Pins was re-Pinned 223 times in 20 minutes.

Just needed to admit that.

Here's something I hate: grocery check out PIN machines

2012-01-23T15:42:00.000-08:00

Thanks, retail, for allowing me to swipe my card rather than writing a check, or paying in cash.

NO thanks, retail, for making it SO MUCH.

**Let's just get this out of the way rruull quick--this is going to be the most first-world of all of my first-world problems. I'm almost embarrassed at how much this bothers me, but serious...it KILLS me, and I don't think I can let it go without getting it out.

**Another thing you need to know first...I always stress a little when it comes to checking out at the grocery. I just want to be ready to swipe that card and clear out as soon as possible, in order to keep things running smoothly. I'm pretty sure no one else behind me even cares, but I just care so much.

Ok, back to whatever the hell we're talking about--grocery store check-out PIN machines. Why, why, why can't we just choose ONE way of interaction with them? Here's what my check-out at the Freasy looks like:

--scan items
--tap the self check-out screen to indicate that I'm ready to pay
--tap the screen icon of the card, because that's how I'll be paying
--move to the PIN machine, and swipe my card
--grab the pen attached to the machine, tap that YES, I am choosing to use this card as a debit
--use my fingers to push the number buttons to enter my PIN on the physical keypad
--press enter on the keypad
--get the damn pen again, tap YES to verify the total on the touch screen
--tap NO that I do not want cash back
--get my receipt and run

JUST PICK ONE. Touch screen, fine. Pen, fine. Keypad, fine. All of those...not fine. EVENTWOOFTHEMISNOTFINE.

Listen. I know that you can allow me to touch the screen, because part of this process involves me touching the screen. Why, then, can I not just touch the screen for my PIN? And I KNOW that the physical buttons work, so why can't I just push the NO button to tell you I don't want any cash back, rather than grabbing the pen? I CAN SEE THE BUTTONS. They're right there. They're

right

there.

I think the real reason it's scho schtressful for me is because in the great rush to get out, I get my card out early, so I have that in hand, and the pen, then I have to push the buttons so I have to take the time to put the card away, or just drop the pen, just to pick it up again...it gets me every time. And every time I think "I just need to write this out so I can let it go."

Fingers crossed that it was just a "say it and move on" thing.

It never is with me.

OPB

2012-01-18T15:05:00.001-08:00

Seeing super, super crazy kids at the mall makes me both more terrified to have my own kids and more excited to have a niece or nephew.

I'm so down with OPB.

Things I know now that I wish I'd always known

2012-01-17T11:45:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah, not a lot of these things are important (maybe the food ones), so don't look for anything that matters here. But they are clearly about things most important to me, which, in re-reading this afterward, is a little embarrassing.

Buying designer denim is better on eBay.

So I have a thing for designer denim. I feel a little guilty about it, because I feel like that's something that assholes feel/say, but in college, my good friend convinced me to try on a pair of jeans, and for the first time...they actually fit. They were comfortable, they fit just right, and I bought them...and they lasted forever. Literally (figuratively) forever--I finally wore a hole through the booty last summer, and was devastated, because that ripped-jean-rip is not at all in fashion.
But seriously, what jeans last that long?? Best jeans.
And since then, I've invested in some pairs...at the rate of not even a pair a year. I get that they cost more, but really...I'm not sure I spend more than an average gal overall. ALSO...did I mention they fit?? I don't spend 45 minutes trying to find a top that hides the gap in the waist, or shoes that are juuuust the right height to make the leg look long but not hit the floor...you get the idea. Anyone with a body type like mine that involves hips that don't lie, longer-than-average-ish legs and plenty of junk...Paige jeans changed my life.

But I have recently discovered the bester best part...these jeans are ALL OVER eBay. Seriously. So many sample sale jeans go up on eBay...I had no idea. So my current strategy is to go to Bloomingdales, because they have t-h-e best selection ever--seriously--prove me wrong--try on everything, find the brand/style/wash/size that I want, and eBay that shiz. They're all on there, and they're always cheaper there. Some are worn, which I get can be too much for people, but a lot are new with tags, just left over from sample sales.

Go crazy. Not really though--one every year and a half-ish, when styles change. That's all.

Deals aren't deals if you weren't going to get the drink without the deal.

It gets me EVERY TIME. I never want the drink, but always think "Look at how nicely they've grouped everything...I'll just get the deal." Then I regret it, because I don't want any of the drinks they have, my car cup holders don't hold the cups (thanks Europe), and no matter what it is, I inevitably throw 2/3 of it away. Just get the freaking Nachos Bell Grande and the crunchy taco.

Oh, I want that so much right now.

Floor tickets are totally worth it.

You KNOW you're always gonna wanna dance a little, no matter who you're seeing. And no matter what, it's too awkward to do that from seats. You never know quite when to stand, it's hard to handle the people behind you sighing when you stand at the wrong time, you're always afraid you might topple down the bleachers, and the guy next you has to get up to pee SO MANY TIMES.
Getting floor tickets is totally worth the hour of standing, the minor pushing, the awkward bump-ins, etc. to be on the same page as everyone around you. No resentful girlfriends, no uncomfortable parents, no kids to step on down on the floor. Just you and a bunch of people like you, which means no one will stare at your not so great moves. Or mine.

Ok, just mine.

Only buy lingerie on sale.

Nothing is more of a guilt-inspiring purchase to me than full price chones, because I have seen how cheap they eventually get. The bra I spent $45 on is now at the VS outlet for $6. The same one. And about 1100 other ones, because the VS outlet is a giant warehouse of pink and lace and bathy-aroma. I have only once in my life NEEEEEEDED a bra real fast to the point that I couldn't wait for a sale or truck it to the outlet. I still get mad when I wear it because it was $45.

I promise you...whatever lingerie you're looking at will eventually be on sale for less than half the price. Don't give into the hype....and stock up when they're 88 cents.

Dirt under fingernails...Silly Putty.

Seriously. We all have dirt that we can't get at with a hand-wash. Don't hate...just jam your finger into some Silly Putty. Good as freaking new.

Taco Bell crunchy tacos are only 170 freaking calories.

I have wasted so much time feeling guilty about eating crunchy tacos when in reality, they're like 100000 times better for me than:
--two pieces of whole wheat bread
--a low fat bagel
--oatmeal with raisins
--a turkey breast pita, no mayo
--a large banana
--veggie stir-fry
--1/4 of any muffin ever
--five slices of honeydew melon
--one can of peas
--three eggs
--four Tootsie Pops

I could go on, but even I'm bored of that Google search. But seriously.

And let's be real...Things that are tastier than a crunchy taco and have fewer calories:
--none of those things.

Hair curls curlier with a flat iron.

WHY??? Why?? I have no idea. But my curling iron gets hotter than my flat iron, and my flat iron curls so much better. Section of hair, clamp at top, turn and pull the section, wild curl. And it lasts for DAYS (if you don't shower [which I don't]).

Cobblers are so worth it.

Suurrrrrrriously you guys. I bought shoes half a size too small, because I loved them and they were so important and the last pair...they stretched them for me...they're perfect. I go through heels, wear holes in soles (inner first), scuff toes, rip seams...and for like $7, the shoe guy just fixes it. And my shoes generally look better than when I bought them when he works on them.

It's him or a bunch of new shoes...ormaybeboth.

Best excuse when assaulted by a sales person: "This seems like a great birthday present, and I'm just meeting with my mom to birthday shop! I'll have to bring her here!"

Embarrassing that I routinely get sucked in by people selling things, trying to make their commission, wanting me to sign up for something, etc., but this is fail proof. I don't even feel bad that it's a lie anymore. It gets me out the first time, every time, and would've saved me from SO MANY awkward "yeah, I mean, I want to, but I just can't..."

Giving up brown soda for three solid months will make you hate it.

I PROMISE. I promise. Just try it. No cheats at all--that's key--it has to be completely cold turkey--but three full months with no brown soda, one taste and you'll want to spit it out. Or you will, depending on whether you're in a nice car or outside or something.

Love,

Used to have 6 Dr Peppers a day and hasn't had one since 2002.

I'm not easily embarrassed, but...

2012-01-06T09:11:00.001-08:00

...I was the other night.

Embarrassed, I mean...it wasn't really easy...I worked hard for it.

Two things to make this make sense:
1--my street has no street lights, and isn't near anything city, so it's super dark, and
2--my car has a cloth top.

So I'm a big car singer/dancer...the more redic the song, the better. The crazy songs are the easiest ones to sing along to. Come on--you all know you have one or two (or 900). So coming home late the other night, I may have been singing and dancing along with a song that may have a part that just says "wigglewigglewigglewigglewiggle...wigglewigglewigglewigglewiggle..." etc. So I wrapped that part up real nice like, then turned off the car, got out and started walking up to my door. As I was crossing the street, I heard, from two guys who I had not seen in the pitch blackness...

Guy: Um, so, how about those Lions?
Other guy: Yeah...

Damn it. They were for sure just standing there doing their thing when I for sure interrupted with the reckless abandon of a San Diego State girl, and was for sure oblivious to all of it.

That, everyone, was embearrassing.

Get it?

here's something I hate: happy sigh

2012-01-05T10:33:00.000-08:00

Listen, everyone. I get that we all text, IM, email, BBM (is that the thing? I don't even get Blackberry), blog, whatever more than we talk now, and I'm alright with that. I don't like talking on the phone either. But PLEASE...just leave me to assume your physical reaction. PLEASE don't asterisk tell me in detail what you're doing asterisk. Why? Come on--do you really need a why??

1--It makes it awkward. "I just love cookies *happy sigh*" Why are you sighing about cookies to the point that you want me to notice it?? It we were having this discussion in person, would you really draw attention to the fact that you sighed after saying that you loved cookies? Let me just answer for you--you wouldn't. And you wouldn't because it would be awkward. If all this textual communication is supposed to be a substitute for verbal communication, let's try to keep the two fairly similar. "I just love cookies. Did you hear me sigh? Because I tttooottallllly did."

2--Where the hell does the punctuation go?? This isn't really a good point, I know, but I just really struggled with that sentence above--does the period go after "sigh" before the "*", after the "*", at all??? I don't know. And I

hate

not

knowing.

3--It makes you sound like an 11 year old girl. ANYTHING THAT YOU DO WITH AN ASTERISK (other than noting a footnote in your thesis) MAKES IT SEEM AS THOUGH YOU ARE AN 11 YEAR OLD GIRL. Stop it. Stop it forever.

4--They already invented emoticons to take care of this. Listen, it took me long enough to warm up to emoticons (and don't even start with the noses...that's another post), but I get how they can convey something that you can't really say. "Oh, I totally love getting rear ended ;) " (hg). I get it--you're being carcastic. (HOLD THE HELL ON...I mean to type sarcastic, but it came out carcastic, and I just loved it so much that I am going to keep it. My hands basically just typed a combo word that my brain didn't even think of. I'm so zen right now.). So we've all come to accept emoticons...do we really need to revert? "Oh, I totally love getting rear ended *wink*"

Stupid. Don't.

Cheers to another thing that I hate that doesn't matter AT ALL.

you GUYS.

2012-01-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

Not to make this all serious...but you guys...if this old, white man...

...tells Mitt Romney that he has to launch a nuclear missile into LA...HE HAS TO DO IT. HE HAS TO. If he doesn't, he won't go to Mormon heaven.

YOU GUYS!!!!! You guys.

this SHOULD be embarassing...

2012-01-03T09:41:00.000-08:00

Was talking last night about t-h-a-t moment when someone gets into your car and t-h-a-t song that you were listening to before when you were alone comes on and it's t-h-a-t awkward.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on whether or not it's you in my car, I have long since given up on impressing people with the music I love or don't love, because I love and don't love all the wrong things (see life).

Case in point, I got into my car this morning for work, and this jam was on:

You're welcome.

I cannot apologize for loving this because IT'S SO GREAT. If you were to get into my car and this shiz came on, I would say "I cannot apologize for loving this because IT'S SO GREAT."

And we'd listen to all of it.

Dear the whole (first) world:

2011-12-18T17:54:00.000-08:00

Things to do when you're about to purchase something, but you suddenly realize that it costs more than the "reasonable" price you somehow arrived at in your mind:

--put the item back. You don't have to buy it at that store...promise.

--purchase the item, and decide that you must have had an unrealistic price in mind. It happens. I thought Advil was going to be like three bucks.

--text a friend something like this: "Ohemgee...[said item] is so much more than I realized!!" That way if the friend agrees, s/he can say so, and if not, no big...because you haven't physically confronted anyone.

Things NOT to do when you're about to purchase something, but you suddenly realize that it costs more than the "reasonable" price you somehow arrived at in your mind:

--say anything like this loudly: "WOW!! FIFTY BUCKS FOR A VIDEO GAME?" or "THREE FIFTY FOR A CUP OF COFFEE? ARE YOU SERIOUS?" I promise you--the answer will be yes.

--turn to the stranger behind you in line and complain about how you just can't believe the cost of items these days. Odds are, that person looked at the price too, and is still in line, ergo they CAN believe it.

--repeatedly look at the price sticker and outwardly sigh, snort, scoff, etc. It's a sticker, and no one with decision making power is observing how you interact with the sticker.

It's not worth it. No matter how many of those things you do, the price of the item won't change, and the person who works behind the counter who very likely did not set the price of the item won't start to like you more.

PS: none of this applies at the Swap Meet. Go crazy out there.

Things I could have purchased instead of "fixing" my car this year

2011-12-07T09:34:00.000-08:00

--20 Kindle Fires
--3669 McDonalds 99 cent double cheeseburgers, after tax
--this car AND this car
--8000 meals for the starving Somali kid that Jennifer Aniston says can eat for only 50 cents a day
--a male stripper every evening for a week (I did price it out at work, so if I lose my job soon, you'll know why)
--6.7 round-trip tickets to Istanbul (I really want to go to Turkey...anyone?) in February
--eight annual passes to Disneyland with no blackout dates AND parking (but why would all eight of us drive??)
--59 boxes of my contacts
--572 strawberry pies from Marie Callendars
--a Marie Callendars
--14 floor tickets to Jay Z/Kanye in Vegas

I could go on, but for the sake of my heart, I can't go on. I would have preferred all of those things to investing money in my car this year, especially because today, it stopped steering.

"Oh, you'll probably just have to get a new power steering pump."
"Did that in September."
"Oh."

Fortunately, I had already lined up to pull into my parking spot. It's the little things at this point, right?

"Sure, yeah."

In response, I have written this ode to my car:

ODE TO MY CAR

I trusted you, you piece of s@!# car.

Here's something you may not know...

2011-12-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

...I am obsessive about back-ups.

Not in the dirty way (I mean, that's important too, though.)

I like to have at least five of all of my every-day use items.

It actually didn't seem crazy until I just reread it--wow, right?--but it's true. And I have so-often-used-and-rarely-regretted this specific crazy about myself.

I have the following things in my home, car, office, purse and travel toiletries bag:

--band-aids
--Shout wipes
--deodorant
--chapstick(s...let's be real, I have like 1000)
--nail files/clippers
--Advil
--Excedrin migraine
--allergy pills (thanks MV)
--a lint roller
--eye drops
--wet wipes
--bobby pins
--other stuff

There are a few other things that have limited circulation--like back-up mascara is only at home, purse and work, and back-up post-its are only at work, home and in the travel bag...you get the idea.

I didn't realize that it was too unusual until recently, when someone needed a Shout wipe (so much better than the Tide-to-Go pen...don't EEEven get me started) at work, so I went to my trusty drawer and realized I was out, grabbed my purse and realized I was out, and then went to get some from my car (hg). It felt super normal, but the look on his face let me know that it was not even regular normal.

I don't know! I just like to feel like I'm prepared!!!

Knees are NOT cute

2011-12-02T11:02:00.000-08:00

I wish I could submit these last pics to Highlights Magazine where they show those close ups of something and you're left to guess what it is--you know, like

"Oh wow, what is that? A sea anemone?"

"OMG! CHILI CHEESE FRIES!!!"

"Oh wow, what is that? A leopard skin rug?"

"OMG! A FULL LEOPARD!!!"

"Oh wow, what is that? Some potatoes?"

"No, those are my knees. I just didn't realize how much they looked like potatoes until now. "

Yeah yeah yeah we all have our things.

Pen 15 Club

2011-12-01T14:44:00.000-08:00

I am randomly reminded (not in a dirty way) of being asked if I want to join the Pen 15 Club when I was in elementary school and I laugh and laugh and laugh. Kids are such assholes.

High schoolerrrssssss!!!!!

2011-11-28T15:07:00.001-08:00

I replayed this voice-mail 11 times to be sure I got it completely accurate.

Hi, this is XXX, I have some questions about your undergraduate program, so if you could call be back. My number is 909…uhhh…463…909…5 uh 909-463..90995…uh ok…sorry…alright I’ll say it again…90…909…263…90959092639995 ok thank you very much bye.”

We did not call him back, but it wasn't for lack or trying.

Ways to tell that our date isn't going well.

2011-11-28T11:09:00.000-08:00

I feel like these things should be so obvious that they should be left unsaid, but, to quote Chad, "let me tell you what,"...apparently they need to be said.

1--You ask me for a deal-breaker, then you embody that deal-breaking quality.

First of all, why are all of my blog posts these days in list form?

Second, why are you even asking about deal breakers? This isn't marriage counseling, and that's a horrible "getting to know you" question. "Hey, so what's your favorite food? And what is something so heinous to you that you'd actually leave someone because of it?" But if you HAVE to ask, I'm not going to hold back...I mean, I'm not 20, and there's no reason to softball that question.

"Deal breaker? Oh, you know, like being so mean or something."

...and I know this isn't marriage counseling, so I'm not going to say something that should be assumed.

"Deal breaker? Having a child with another girl while we're together, then leaving me for her, then coming back with the baby."

So if you ask, I'm going to let you know that I have no tolerance for entitled people because I just don't understand them, and because I have to pretend to understand them all day, every day, so the LAST thing I want to do in fun times is deal with more entitled people.

Did you know? I'm not sure I mention that enough here.

If, after that, you tell me about how you just plan to cruise into your dad's family business when you feel like because you deserve to be CEO, and you deserve to have money handed to you because you're smarter than 90% of the people you know, and then wrap it up by telling a story about how you got a server fired for being too slow because you are so important that you deserve to have a more on the ball server...our date is not going well.

2--You make any comparison between me and someone who bombs abortion clinics.

I am not making this up.

Near stranger: "So you're into the whole church thing?"
Me: "Yep...I go pretty often."
NS: "I tried that thing for a while...was Catholic, then did the born again thing...then was Taoist for a while, and now I'm a pretty active atheist."
Me: "Hmmmwowinteresting."
NS: "Sooo...do you ever worry that someone as smart and cool as you choosing to go to church justifies people who bomb abortion clinics?"
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: "...uhhhh...I haven't ever really thought that...no."

3--English is CLEARLY your first language, but somehow, it's not at all clear.

"My two favorite things are watching sports, playing sports, and winning."

4--I elbow you in the ribs.

-If you reach for my hand and I immediately start carrying my empty coffee cup with both hands, it's safe to assume that I don't want to hold your hand.
-If you keep keep using anything I say to allude to the inevitable next date and I keep saying "...oh I don't know..." (like "Oh your fav is Indian? Well next time, I'll have to take you to Indian food..."), it's safe to assume I'm not as sure as you are that there will be a "next time."
-If you repeatedly try to put your arm around me and I repeatedly step to the side, it's safe to assume that I don't want you to put your arm around me.
-If you try to steer me down another path but I actively turn away, toward the car, it's safe to assume that I don't want to continue walking with you.
-If, after ALL of that happens, you try just one more time to put your arm around me and I elbow you in the ribs, it's safe to assume that even though you say you're want to see me again, I FOR SURE, NEVER EVER EVER do.

I'm hoping most of you were like "uh yeah, obvi," but if you weren't, or if you know these guys (see above), feel free to pass this along. No commission necessary.

Here's something I hate: people who get all up in arms when I say Happy Holidays.

2011-11-21T10:16:00.000-08:00

Popped on to Facebook and saw this status:

Not to offend anyone but this is what I believe. (I couldn't really care less if it does offend you) I am sick and tired of every year when CHRISTMAS comes around, there are people who want to take CHRIST out of CHRISTMAS because it might offend someone. Well, how about all of the CHRISTIANS? What about offending us because you are taking our CHRIST out of CHRISTMAS!?!? CHRIST IS CHRISTMAS!!! If you aren't celebrating CHRIST then why are you celebrating? CHRISTMAS is about the birth of our SAVIOR! CHRISTMAS is one of a few holidays left that celebrate my CHRIST! Leave my holiday alone!!! And tell everyone MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holidays! Repost if your not ashamed.....♥

...and...

I'm inviting all my Facebook family and friends to join me in returning to the traditional greeting of "MERRY CHRISTMAS" instead of the politically correct "Happy Holidays"!! If you agree with me, please re-post this message.....MERRY CHRISTMAS...

I have several things to say about this.

1--Choose sentence one or sentence two. If you couldn't care less about offending people, then don't start with "Not to offend..." Also, if you really don't care about offending people, you're an asshole. Have your own opinions all the live long, but you can express opinions in respectful ways that won't offend. If you are respectful and someone still gets offended...their bad. But these statuses aren't running that risk.

2--"If you aren't celebrating CHRIST then why are you celebrating?" Tradition. Family. Presents. Travel. Snow. Christmas movies. Vacation. Those are a few other reasons people could be celebrating. Maybe. Just guessing.

3--Stop yelling CHRISTMAS and CHRIST. It makes me uncomfortable, and people don't like being yelled at. I'm pretty sure anyone not already celebrating CHRIST will certainly not be swayed by you yelling it at them.

4--"Christmas is one of the few holidays left that celebrate my CHRIST." Wait, were there a lot of other ones? I mean, Easter, but that's pretty Christ (I'm sorry--CHRIST) focused still. I don't think there was ever an issue of CHRIST being in Arbor Day, or your mom's birthday. He's still there...don't freak out about it.

5--I know it's super crazy, but some people celebrate holidays other than Christmas.

It's ok--take a moment to process if you need it.

Ok. So I know you celebrate Christmas, and I know I celebrate Christmas, but what about your neighbor who's Jewish? Seems pretty redic to respond to their holiday wishes (maybe they aren't sure which you celebrate, although that's unlikely with all of the yelling you've been doing) with "Merry Christmas"...because they aren't going to have a merry Christmas...because they're celebrating Hanukkah.

6--It seems pretty messed up to force people to acknowledge your holiday of choice when you won't acknowledge theirs.
The only way statuses like that second one are legit is if you greet people with the other December holidays as well. I'm fine with you telling people Merry Christmas around Christmas. Go crazy. But you better say Happy Hanukkah around Hanukkah, and Happy Kwanzaa around Kwanzaa too.

"No way. I don't celebrate those other holidays, so I won't say it. I celebrate CHRISTMAS!"

I get that, but do you really ONLY acknowledge the special occasions that YOU personally celebrate? So on your cousin's birthday, do you not wish them a happy birthday because it's not YOUR birthday?

"Well, no...but I'm sort of celebrating with them...because it's their birthday..."

Then why aren't you sort of celebrating with people who celebrate Hanukkah? It's their holiday.

"Because I'm not Jewish..."

They are. Are you really saying you can't acknowledge any other holidays? And I bet you $38 that they'll wish you a Merry Christmas.

"They DO always wish me a Merry Christmas."

I know. And they don't yell, either.

I'm just saying...maybe people are saying Happy Holidays because they aren't sure which holiday you celebrate, and not as a part of a huge liberal conspiracy to remove CHRIST from our lives. I love Jesus too, but let's all just take a moment and realize that our favorite holiday isn't the only one out there.

Let the napkin do the talking.

Also...

2011-11-14T16:50:00.001-08:00

...someone called my work line and left a full voice mail of the Space Olympics song.

I don't know who it was...but I love him/her.

SO excited

2011-11-14T16:48:00.000-08:00

You know when you're just SO excited because you've needed a haircut SO badly for the past few weeks and you haven't been anywhere near home and the girl who cuts your hair but you get a calendar reminder that your haircut is TOMORROW??

That is me

right

now.

FINALLY...soccer mom away!

I call this photo series "Guess where I am."

2011-11-03T20:28:00.000-07:00

For Anon...

2011-10-31T12:21:00.000-07:00

Because some stranger keeps hating on Sir Gravy down there, here's the first thing I could find to blog about: foot Hawaii in real Hawaii. It's meant to be!!

too close to call

2011-10-28T09:46:00.000-07:00

Sports reference! This post is about sports!!

Just kidding.

I'm just posting to move the gravy picture further down the page so people won't hate, and to share this:

http://ryangoslingvspuppy.tumblr.com/

It's REALLY tough. I go back and forth every other pic. But seriously...stop wearing so many shirts (puppies and RG).

Phone conversation

2011-10-26T12:12:00.000-07:00

Auntie: My niece is interested in applying, but she may get an F in Calculus this year. Will that affect her chances of being admitted?

Me: Good question...one F on a transcript isn't going to be a decision maker here--while I would encourage her to retake the class for a better grade, the overall GPA is much more important than one grade.

Auntie: Oh, ok...so her overall GPA is...pretty low. Will that affect her chances?

YES. Yes. What did you think this was all about??

youguysyouguysyouguysyouguys

2011-10-25T14:22:00.001-07:00

Despite the fact that 80% of these posts involve food, I just had to post this because I was thinking about how excited I am for the holiday that largely features...

GRAVY.

ONE MONTH.

Just because it's been a while...

2011-10-23T19:40:00.001-07:00

Unfortunate.

2011-10-19T10:19:00.001-07:00

Thank you so much. Your the greatest!

I'll send this info on to the two girls I working with who live in Camarillo, CA. The are both home schooled and we have identified your school as a good fit for both young ladies.

Kind Regards,

Dave

Educational Consultant

Alone traveling...and ways to ensure you stay alone

2011-10-11T11:25:00.000-07:00

I both hate and love alone traveling.
As you can see from some of my vintage (cooler way to say old--ask anyone) blog posts, alone travel at the end of the travel season can be rough (haunted condotel rooms, bad radio, awkward college fairs, etc.), but in general, I like it just fine. Lots of time to catch up on books on tape and podcasts (confession...I just learned about podcasts yesterday. I'm not joking. I mean, I knew they were out there...people talked about them...but I literally downloaded my first one yesterday. They're SO EASY to get...and they're FREE...and they're ALL THAT I NORMALLY LISTEN TO ANYWAY...just right there. I listened to Amy Sedaris all the way up and back from my college fair and smiled so much. It was amazing.), you get to eat when/where/whatever you want, you aren't neglecting anyone when you go to the gym or to bed early, you can have the TV on all night...there are a lot of ups.

However, when I travel alone, whether I'm loving or hating it at the moment, I get in the alone-zone (rhyme unintended, but appreciated). Work time on the road is 100% small-talk-social-happy-and-excited time, so non-work time has to be non-small-talk-non-social-mellow-and-low-key time, or I'll lose it and start letting swears slip at college fairs, or cry at the hotel check-in desk or something crazy. I know my balance. So if you're like me, or if you're bored at work, here are some tips to ensure that your alone time stays alone time.

1--Stay in chain hotels.
They're generally laid out the exact same way, so whether you're in Bakersfield or the bay area, you can walk, with confidence and purpose (thanks Oprah!), directly to the front desk. That way no one will stop you to ask you if you know where you're going, how your trip was, if you know the hotel serves breakfast (never your best option), what you're up to later, etc. I lived a couple of travel seasons thinking "oh I'm independent, and want to stay at independent hotels!" I did find a couple of gems...but I ended up finding more un-gems, to say the least. Like unsafe, unclean, uncomfortable, unconvenient (I know) places. At some point, it's not worth it. Also, no points. I show my fierce independence in food eaten and purple shoes worn.

2--When you check into a hotel, just walk up, put your ID and credit card on the counter, smile briefly, and start to look for something in your bag.
This says "I've done thing before, I know that this is everything you need, I'm pleasant, but don't want to tell you the type of food I like so you can tell me the restaurant that tips you out to recommend them." The last time I made the mistake of engaging in the small talk, I ended up holding up a line of 12 people waiting to check in while the guy working told me all about how crazy it was last time he went out in downtown San Diego, because he just kept!ordering!shots! So great, so great, stop it because my take out Burmese food is getting cold.

3--Always have a book. Always have a book. Always.
I have no problem eating alone. Other people have a problem with me eating alone. I think people feel bad, so neighbors, wait staff, etc, like to chat it up. Not so with book. They go from "oh look at that girl eating alone...that's so sad that she has no one to eat with" to "oh look at that girl with a book that must be so good that she took her book to dinner rather than a friend." The book is also lucrative on trains, shuttles and while waiting for anything to start. All of the sudden, you're intentionally alone.

4--Never wait at the movies.
Squeezing in the random mid-day movie is the best on the road, and when you're alone, you can see WHATEVER YOU WANT. But again, it can lead to a bunch of awkwardness if you choose a movie, plan it out, get there early, and sit and wait for it to start. There are a lot of the "is that seat taken...?" convos, that, when you answer "no." leads to both you having to sit by a stranger AND the people who just called you our for being at a movie alone judging you. The book does help here, but here's how to nail it. Just show up at a movie and buy a ticket for whatever is starting right at that time. It's the best for several reasons: you don't have to worry about the seat convo (that's pretty clearly the first reason, since I just talked about it for so long), it's already dark for the pre-preview commercials, so no one stares, and, maybe best reason...you can see movies that you'd never, ever be able to see with other people. Not like pornos (unless you want to--to each her own on that one), but cartoons, musicals, prequels, etc., that you KNOW you want to see, but are too embarrassed to admit it. But the key is to arrive right when it starts. Then it's no big that you're alone, and if anyone makes fun of you later, you can just be like "What? It started at the right time...it's not like I waited for it."

I'm sure I'll have more to say about this as travel continues...but "back to the old bump and grind" for now (not my quotation, but a current favorite verbal slipperoo from a phone convo).

iamsoimpatient

2011-10-10T10:10:00.001-07:00

My impatience has found an new, extremely annoying way of manifesting. For some reason I have been typin glik ethi sexcessively. Lik eever yemai lwil lloo klik ethis. An dautocorrec tonl ycatche si tsometimes, an dit' sdrivin gm ecrazy. I' msorr yI hav es omuc ht osa ytha tapparentl yI' mno tgettin gi tou tquickl yenoug hfo rm yspace st okee pup.

2011-10-04T05:57:00.001-07:00

Running up an escalator is like walking to the front of an aiplane to travel just a little earlier than everyone else.

Scenes from Camarillo...

2011-09-27T09:49:00.001-07:00

...because Camarillo is a scene. I haven't been here for forever, but you'd think they still filmed Newlyweds around here, because these people are ready for Jessica Simpson to walk in any moment. I'm sitting in the largest, most luxurious Starbucks ever, just staring at people because I can't help it.
iPad count: 11
Men in gym attire on the phone having "important business conversation": two
Professional DJ headphones plugged into MacBook Pros: three.
People "dining in," and drinking coffee out of actual ceramic mugs: two
Guys in kilts: one
Babies in Pez Perego strollers and designer clothes: three
People with whom I have anything meaningful in common: potentially one, but I'm pretty sure he's homeless and about to be asked to leave. He looks like he'd have a lot of good stories though.

Can't wait to be home...for three days.

Made up stories are my reality

2011-09-13T13:30:00.001-07:00

I get a little carried away by made up stories sometimes. I mean, sometimes I can totally help it...sometimes they just happen around me and I get sucked into them...but from time to time, I have to have these moments where I think "Wait, did that really happen, or did I make that up?" I'm not sure that's healthy...but I like to think it's all for love of the game.

??

Case in point, and what inspired me to remember to write in this damn blog: I pass a house every morning on my way to work that I'm totally convinced is the home of a domestic, suburban drug dealer. I had to ask myself on this fine morning..."is this ACTUALLY a drug dealer's house...like...do I KNOW that, or did I make that up?" I made it up. I remembered quickly. BUT...I have good reasons to believe it true!

1--there are so many different cars in front of the house in the mornings when I go to work at 8...let's be real...850ish. No family has 11 different cars unless they're statement cars, like Cameros or Minis or something. These were 11 family cars--station wagons SUVs, sedans (no minivans...this is still Point Loma).
2--there's always someone coming and going in the 8-9 hour.
3--

Man, I really thought I had way more reasons that that. And those really aren't even strong reasons. I'm rethinking this.

Ok, HERE'S a better case in point: once, I thought our back neighbor was killed by her son, and her body was cut up and stored in the fridge.

Speaking of fridges, there is little I hate more than someone spelling it "frig." That's stupid. I don't even care that it's probably the better way, because of it's "refrigerator" and not "refridgerator."

So our back neighbor Linda (name changed for privacy purposes) left us a note one glorious February day letting us know that she was leaving town, and her son Asshole (name changed for privacy purposes) would be house sitting for her. Asshole was 20, so too young to be hitting up the bars, but also very, very interested in hitting up the bars.

We were hoping it would be a smooth transition, but unfortuantely, Asshole and his asshole friends used our back house as "the bar for 20 year-olds would get kicked out of real bars", a place to experiment with coke at 3 a.m., and a wrestling studio (is this the appropriate place to use "dojo"?? I'm pretty sure studio isn't appropriate). This led to many pajama-clad-confrontations from our home to theirs. This ALSO led to several well worded text messages from cousin to Linda. At first, she'd reply, apologize, and we'd have a few moments peace. However, by May (still Linda-less), she'd stopped replying to any messages. It was during this time that we noticed that Asshole was driving Linda's car, which had been parked in our alley all Spring. We also learned, via landlord, that rent had been being paid with nameless cashiers checks for months.

We asked Asshole more than once how Linda was doing, hinting subtly, then not-so-subtly, then outright asking when she'd be home. The answers were more and more sketchy--"Summer" turned into "Soon" which turned into "I'm not really sure..." and by the end of August, the answer was clear:

LINDA WAS DEAD.

And why was Asshole so shady about it? That answer was also clear:

ASSHOLE HAD KILLED LINDA.

And how did I determine that he cut up her body parts and stored them in the fridge?

BECAUSE ONE NIGHT, I WAS OUT BACK GETTING MY LAUNDRY, AND IT WAS LATE, AND I LOOKED INTO THE WINDOW OF LINDA'S KITCHEN, AND ASSHOLE WAS IN THERE, AND HE'D CHANGED THE REGULAR LIGHT BULB OUT FOR A RED LIGHT BULB, SO THE ENTIRE KITCHEN WAS BATHED IN CREEPY RED LIGHT, AND HE WAS JUST SITTING THERE.

It made so much sense.

I mean, it made sense until Linda came back in November, and told us that she was working all year on the East Coast, because she was a decorator, and they were more "her style" out there.

But for about a year, I was pretty convinced that we were living next door to a killer.

That's what I just decided to write about. Aren't you happy I'm back to to this blog?

Wow, Hilton.

2011-09-01T10:38:00.000-07:00

Every large organization needs a worldly 20something working in their Marketing Office.

Hilton: "I have a great idea about our next email campaign. Picture a rooftop...a couple...and this phrase...'Stay with us...to stay on top.'"
Worldly 20something: "WHOA WHOA WHOA."

LivingGroupon

2011-08-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

Listen, can you all just keep me posted on Living Social and Groupon? I think I have to unsubscribe, for several reasons:

6 (I'm starting with 6 because there are so many more reasons...I just want to highlight these few because work is busy this week): ALL OF THE EMAILS. Seriously. I generally really hate things that require emails every day, but I get it--these daily deals are DAILY...so it's part of the deal. But seriously...several emails a day? That's abusing the system, LivingGroupon. Get the hell out of my inbox.

11: I AM NOT GOING TO BOOT CAMP. I'm not going to boot camp. I may have thought about going before the emails, but the fact that every other day's "amazing deal" is a discount on boot camp makes me think that no one is going to boot camp, making boot camp extremely desperate, resulting in boot camp forcing itself upon all of us. The only thing worse than the thought of going to boot camp is the thought of being the only person at boot camp. Also, most of these "deals" involve camp being held in a park, or at the beach. It's not fair to make people pay that much if you don't even have any cool equipment or facilities.

16: I CAN'T USE A COUPON ON A SERIOUS MEDICAL PROCEDURE. This may be just a mental thing...but showing up to get Lasik with a print-out coupon deal makes me very nervous. See above...why are you so desperate to laser my eyes open??

21: THESE AREN'T ACTUALLY GOOD DEALS. A two hour sailing lesson should be like $20, so the fact that it WAS $100 and NOW it's amazingly $80 isn't selling me at all. And I'm that girl who leaves a sale at Bloomingdales thinking I saved money on the $60 dress just because it used to be $440. You aren't even fooling THAT girl, LivingGroupon.

23: THERE ARE TOO MANY OF THESE DAMN THINGS. Groupon...ok. I can sign up for Groupon. What? LivingSocial too? Ok, I guess I can do LivingSocial (since their first deal was to Santana's). Sign on San Diego Daily Deals? Really? I thought Groupon and LS were taking care of local deals. I don't know...wait...six other "amazing daily deal" sites?? Stop it. I was mad about the initial one-email-per-day thing...I can't handle 11 "one-emails-a-day."

29: STOP TRYING TO GET ME TO SPEND MONEY I WOULDN'T NORMALLY SPEND. I don't want to spend $50 on swimwear, so spending $50 for $100 worth of swimwear is not appealing.

I could never...

2011-08-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

...communicate solely in Spanish, because every time the word "sexo" came up, I would laugh and laugh.

I.CAN'T.STOP,

2011-08-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not even sure I want to! I found out that people can comment back to you...everyone hates me so much. I love it. I think I love it here because it's not real life, where I'm just devastated if someone hates me.

This person did NOT understand what I was going for.

I mean...it's right there.

Answer: no.

Makes sense, right?

Shampoo is better...I go on first and clean the hair.

I am SO GLAD that my computer doesn't have this, because I am sure I would push it at one point.

No reply to this...unfortunately.

I wish it was actually doing something. Harry Potter money.

I appreciate people who answer their own questions.

See above.

You're welcome.

It's in these times that I have to wonder what Melinda would say in her comment, because she always commented on all of these blogs, until her work computer blocked her capabilities to do so. I'd like to think for this blog, she would have commented "Wow...you're now doing this in daylight hours...???" to which I'd have to reply "It has replaced Words With Friends as my go-to TV show distraction...because I always need to be doing something else while watching TV," to which she would reply "You really are like a child, " and I would say "Yeah."

NSFW

2011-08-23T12:33:00.000-07:00

Just kidding...it's totally safe for work. Everything about me is safe for work.

Two things:

1--I just saw a couple "jogging" and holding hands. Seriously? The only way that is appropriate is if one of them is blind.....and they both looked as though they were un-blind. You guys...you're already jogging together. You're going to be together when you finish. Just hold off for about five more minutes.
"Ohhh it's just that we love each other sooo much that we want to be touching aaall the tiiime for love!'"
"Things are going to be tough when one of you dumps the other."

2--I just can't get enough of that Lester Holt...he's my perfect match. Unfortunately, he's also 52, married, and named Lester.

XO forever!

Sometimes...

2011-08-15T13:47:00.000-07:00

...the papers in my recycle bin shift and settle, and my heart stops. Every time, my head whips over, and I feel as though I'm dying. Every time. No matter when, who's here/not here, how dark is it...it scares the shiz out of me.

You know you're from Phoenix if...

2011-08-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

Here's something I hate on Facebook this week: those damn groups about people's hometowns. You know you're from Mayberry if... Remembering the good old days in Chick Creek... Who remembers ol' Nashtucky... You might be from Wayside School if...

You get the idea.

But what if you're from a giant, personality-less city? There's nothing that I can use to identify with people who grew up in Phoenix, other than street names. Not at all in jest, I have actually had this conversation:

Them: Wait, you grew up in Phoenix too?"
Me: "I did!"
Them: "Oh man, that's crazy. Remember how bad traffic was on Bell Road?"
Me: "Ha...Bell Road. Walmart and Fry's...of course there was traffic, am I right??"

Not really an identifying moment for us. I mean, sort of, but it was also an identifying moment with about a million billion people around the world. There is nothing unique about Phoenix...but in my endless quest to be a part of everything, ever, I've come up with the following list, just in case I ever get invited to that Facebook group.

You know you're from Phoenix if...

--It could get hot
--You saw the Olive Garden
--You grew up there
--The roads were paved and striped
--It rained some of the time
--There were a lot of public high schools, but also, some private
--Stop lights were set on timers, not weights, in some cases
--Most of the people over 18 had vehicles, either purchased, or received as gifts
--You knew where various fast food restaurants around your house were
--You had friends with whom you attended school each day in Phoenix
--There were places to get your taxes filed
--Kids liked ice cream
--Every morning, the sun rose in the East
--Some larger concerts came through town
--There was an oldies radio station who, at one point, had the slogan "Good times, GREAT oldies!"
--Mormons were there
--The airport code was three letters
--Some people were lactose intolerant
--There was a favorite place for teenagers to hang out
--Often times, people wore red, or even gray
--It was so light outside when the sun was up

I could go on, but I'm sure the point has been made. You know, part of me wants to start this group with all of these posts, just to see the stay-at-home moms (who aren't cool like my friends who stay at home) post things like "Ohhhemgee there were totally Mormons!!! That is hilarious!!!" or "I TOTALLY remember the Olive Garden...total wow moment!!!"

Happy Friday everyone.

Don't tell...

2011-08-11T13:19:00.001-07:00

...but these cute ankle pants I've been wearing are actually petite regulars.

Things I hate on Facebook today

2011-08-10T13:06:00.000-07:00

1--Moms talking about personal business.

I know I've mentioned this (at great length) before, but seriously, moms, stop it. There needs to be a mom/gay dad only Facebook. I don't care how life-giving it is...no NON-mom (and many moms, I'm sure) don't want to read about your nipple business. It's not cute or sexy when you're talking about babies...it's just disturbing. I don't go posting about...

I decided it was better to edit that out.

2--Political jokes.

"If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress? Ohhhhh snap!" Regress, assholes.

3--People complaining about Southwest Airlines.

I just love Southwest Airlines so much. I know it's crazy...I just feel like since they do so much right, maybe just leave them the hell alone, you know? But I also feel like I can't love Del Taco since I love Taco Bell so much. I have unusual and nonsensical views of loyalty that I'm working out.
You can complain about Southwest if you need to. But I've had to stop myself from posting replies to people on their Facebook. It's not worth it it's not worth it.

4--Kids posting stuff like they just discovered it for the first time.

It's easier and easier to call college students "kids."
Don't post Sigur Rós videos like they're brand new and I haven't been listening to them my whole life. BECAUSE I HAVE(n't, because they weren't around when I was born, which also ties into me being old enough to feel like I should call college students "kids.")

Today is going to be a kick ass day.

2011-08-08T09:26:00.000-07:00

Here's why:

1--Scooted to work. Not good for the hair, but I'm willing to make that sacrifice for love of the game. And it is a sacrifice, because I miiiight look homeless right now.

2--Scooted through Pirates. I was so worried that I'd have to give up my morning coffee stop because I no longer commuted in a car. Not the case. Coffee Girl (so.embarrassing that I don't know her name after four years) even put the cup in a bag to avoid spillage. There was some slight, soon to be resolved by bringing my own cup, which I actually should've been doing for the last four years. Sorry, environment.

3--Got a wave from a real motorcycle driver across the intersection. I wasn't sure if he was acknowledging a peer (in the lil' sister sort of way) or making fun of me. I don't care...I was just so excited.

--just let me know when raving about scootering gets old, because I will NEVER STOP otherwise.

4--I finally decided to keep these shoes that I bought a week ago. I always try things out to ensure that they were a good purchase, and I've been NOT purchasing these shoes for a while, because they make me abooouuuttt 6'1, but I couldn't resist. Potentially alienating myself from 90% of girls and 50% of boys? All of the sudden worth it.

5--I'm hiring someone I'm pretty confident will be GREAT in our office today.

Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Interviews

2011-08-04T14:35:00.000-07:00

Hiring people is probably one of the top three least favorite parts of my job. There are a lot of reasons that aren't at all entertaining so, I'm not going to write about any of them. I did, however, want to share this gem from an applicant, when asked how he communicates differently to different groups of people, like students, parents, high school counselors, etc.:

"Well men really like to be treated with respect...I mean...I know women do too...but especially men..."

I mean, we gave you some great categories, but you really went for the gender split?

Wrong audience, friend.

This is borderline embarrassing...

2011-08-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

...but I'm going to continue (admitting that I'm) doing it for a little while longer.

Please note the little red number at the top...that means I have questions from my Opinionaided friends. Nooooo big deal...I have friends on here. I felt like I had to just own that so you would know that I know that you know, and that I'm ok with you sitting at home, judging.

Dear girl standing behind me in the TSA line...

2011-07-29T17:11:00.001-07:00

...if you really "could care less about what he does," do it. Care less. Care so much less that you stop talking about it.

Thanks,
Girl at listening-to-people-bitch-about-normal-life capacity

Sent from my iPhone

Here's something I hate: shared Facebook accounts

2011-07-22T11:45:00.001-07:00

Dear married couples,

Congratulations on being married (not sarcastic). You now officially share your everyday life, finances, last name, children, vehicles, tax filings, secrets, pets, home, and more (not sarcastic).

(I felt as though I needed to include the not sarcastic asides because I get worried that some people may think I'm a marriage-hater [because someone I once knew in high school told me that I was that when my face registered the horror I felt in my heart when she said "I can't imagine not being married...like...I would rather die than not be married...I'm just not a whole person without a husband..." And she said it just like that...and she HAD a husband...but it wasn't about him {note that she didn't say his name}...it was just about being married.] I am not. I know so many people who are in bomb.com marriages and are great there. I just am not in one. Live your own dreams, you know?)

Here's something you don't have to share: your Facebook account (not at all sarcastic).

There is little that annoys me more on Facebook than receiving a friend request from TadandGina Smith, or Kerrywalter Jimenez (take that, representation). Here's why:

1--Who the hell are you? It takes me at least 6 seconds of staring to decipher who the request is actually from. I prefer received a request from Tad and thinking "Oh, a request from Tad," rather than receiving a request from TadandGina and thinking "What the...Ta-dohnd-jena? I don't know a...ohhhhh...Tad and Gina are using one Facebook account. Great."

2--What if I want to be in touch with Kerry OR Walter, and not Kerry AND Walter? One thing I don't buy is when married people let me know that they tell their spouse everything, all the time, no matter what. First of all (do you like how I have numbered lists within my numbered lists?), that's messed up. You tell your spouse YOUR business, but if I confide in you, you don't have a right to tell your spouse MY business.
Actually, you do have that right...but I won't tell you anything any more. Rights...why did I say that...I hate when people make normal, everyday situations an issue of rights.
But I'll leave it there for the sake of authenticity.
Anyway, it's messed up. Some stuff isn't to be shared, even if you're bound by the holy bonds. Second, it's not true. There are always secrets. Be real. Think about it for like 11 minutes, and you'll think of something you didn't tell your spouse. It doesn't have to be deceitful...it's just science.
But none of that matters, because here's what I'm trying to say: Gina: what if I have a really personal question that I HAVE to ask on Facebook, because I lost your email and you're in Cabo without cell service?? Chances of me asking are ruined, because Tad might check that shiz! Or Tad: what if you and I are planning a huge surprise party for Gina, and I don't have your cell number because we aren't that good of friends in the first place? THE PARTY IS OFF.
The party is off.

3--Who is commenting on the photo of me in a bathing suit?? Call me crazy, but the "OMG...you look so cute in that suit" changes meaning a little when it's from Walter as opposed to being from Kerry.

4--And which one of you is letting all of us know that it's too hot to work outside, so you're going to take a nap? I mean, I know it doesn't matter, but I wonder.

5--Don't you ever get a little mad that by having one account, you're implying that both of you have the same likes, music tastes, political views, educational background, birthday, employment information, favorite tv shows, interests, gender.....you get the idea...? If you do have all of those things in common, you're not married, you're unusual twins.

6--So you're saying you hope no one ever finds you on Facebook? Unless they ALSO have a shared Facebook account, no one will ever think to search for you by combining both of your first names. And even if they do (we're talking like two in 26000 people that will search for you--don't you dare reduce that), odds are against you that they'll come up with the combo that you came up with. After GinaTad, Tad&Gina and GinaandTad don't work, they're going to give up.
And...spoiler alert...one of the two people that end up searching for you that way is going to be annoyed that you have a shared Facebook and won't add you.

7--Ok, marriage is the bomb for people who want to be in one, but COME ON. Come on...............................come on. You do NOT need a shared Facebook. There is no legit excuse for this.
"But there's no way we both have enough time to keep up with separate Facebooks..."
Really? But you both have time to keep up with one?
"No, only Tad keeps up with it."
Then Tad should have his own Facebook.
"But then how will people know to get in touch with Gina?"
Gina, if that's a real concern, either start your own Facebook, or tell Tad to keep you posted.
"But what it people look at Tad's Facebook and don't realize he's married?"
I'm sure the wedding pic that he uses as his profile pic will be a tip off.
"Well we only have one email address..."
NO YOU DO NOT. No you do not.

Listen, I don't even know any Tads, Ginas, Kerrys or Walters, and I also have no friends on Facebook who have a shared profile...AND I BETTER NEVER HAVE ANY. No, no, it's ok. I won't be crazy about it. I just wanted to write these three pages about it. I won't defriend you if you and Tad decide you want to simplify by having one account.

But I will stop communicating with you via Facebook, and hide your posts, and change the names in this post to your names.

Better than sleep...??

2011-07-21T22:50:00.000-07:00

Agree to agree

2011-07-21T20:12:00.001-07:00

Uhhh...I love your body too. What about the rest of us???

Dear Baskin Robbins,

2011-07-21T11:30:00.001-07:00

I have friends, Baskin Robbins. Don't make me feel like a loser by sending me this email:

Hi Shannon,

It's only one month until your birthday! Get $3 off any ice cream cake (with $15 minimum cake purchase) to start planning your celebration.

Love (because no one can stay mad at you),
Shannon

Phone conversation

2011-07-20T11:35:00.000-07:00

Student: lots of stuff about changing her schedule

Me: Those changes are no problem...you'll just need to contact the Records Office, and I'll give you their number. Do you have a pen handy?

Student: Yeah, hold on...(to someone in the background)...can you write this down for me? Ok I'm ready.

Me: So it's 6-1-9...

Student: 6-1-9

Me: 8-4-9...

Student: 8-4-9

Me: 2-2-8-9

Student: What?

Me: 2-2-8-9

Student: 4-7-0-9?

Me: No 2---2---8---9

Student: (to person in background) I can't hear on your phone...I think it's like 4-2-0-9 or something.

Me: It's actually 2-2-8-9

Student: (to person in the background) Uh...4-something-0-9

Me: Can you hear me?

Student: Yeah, can you say the whole thing again?

Me: 6-1-9-8-4-9-2-2-8-9

Student: (to person in background) Yeah I don't even know. 4-2-something something.

Me: I'm going to go ahead and transfer you.

Student: Ok cool.

Things I have to say to this student about this conversation:

1--I do not stutter, and by the third time, I was literally yelling the last four digits to the point that someone in the office IMed me to see if I was ok.

2--There is no way you could hear "seven" when I said "two". The only two numbers that sound LESS alike are three and 18099.

3--How could you hear everything I said except for the last four numbers??

4--Just because you move the mouthpiece from your face to speak with someone else does not mean that I can't hear you.

5--Seriously?

6--If you can't hear me, tell ME, not the person in the background who is writing down the wrong number.

Kids.

Yikes.

2011-07-08T13:26:00.001-07:00

Convo at the booth today:

2011-07-07T16:33:00.001-07:00

Girl from Ohio: What does Loma mean?
Me: It's just the town's name...
Girl from Ohio: -blank stare-
Me: What does Ohio mean?
Girl from Ohio: I don't know...like...nothing.
Me: Like Loma...it means Loma.
Girl from Ohio: That's stupid.

Sorry you're from Ohio, ______.

I chose the worst Gmail address possible

2011-06-30T15:17:00.000-07:00

Listen, I didn't want to just be FirstLast@gmail.com, because when I was 21, that seemed unnecessarily boring. And EmailShannon@gmail.com was already taken (I am generally two to three years behind others on the technology curve...as seen in my move to Gmail from Juno).

Here is how EVERY CONVERSATION in which I have to provide my email address goes:

Person: And what's your email address?
Me: Yes, it's "email..."
Person: Yes, your email. What is it?
Me: It's actually the word "email..."
Person: Right, we need your email address for your account here.
Me: Yes, I understand. My email address begins with the word "email."
Person: What?
Me: My email address is "e-m-a-i-l-"
Person: Your email address is actually "email?"
Me: That's the first part of it, yes. It's Email The Shannon at gmail dot com.
Person: Um...
Me: Let me just spell it. It's email--e-m-a-i-l--the--t-h-e--
Person: EmailE?
Me: No, THE. T-h-e.
Person: Oh, the.
Me: E-m-a-i-l-t-h-e-s-h-a-n-n-o-n
Person: OH, so it's like email you at gmail dot com.
Me: That was the idea.
Person: Oh, that's cute.
Me: Actually, it's a huge pain in my ass.

I don't really say that part. I just think it.

It finally led me to creating a FirstLast@gmail.com, and just having it forward.

I feel like a sell out every time I say it.

It was almost a very different kind of day.

2011-06-24T09:16:00.001-07:00

Third post in one day...yikes...

2011-06-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

...and it's because I literally cannot more forward on our two most pertinent projects without a response from IT and the Math Department...and they're being non-responsive at the moment.

I was home for lunch today and laughed out loud at the memory of this event. My brother is rrrreal funny, and likely completely unrelated to that, funny things happen to him often. This was in Roswell, NM, right outside of a WalMart that happens to be in a mall there (?!?).

Stranger: Hey, where can I find printer paper?
Bran: Oh I'm sorry, I don't work here.
Stranger: Like the kind that you just use in a computer printer.
Bran: I'm sorry, sir...I don't know what to tell you...I don't work at WalMart.
Stranger: ...so...in the back?
Bran: Yeah.

This came to me while I was taking out the trash, and I laughed and laughed.

Because I still do this...

2011-06-23T11:30:00.001-07:00

name change situation

2011-06-23T09:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I'll ever be ok with changing my name, because I'm real used to it, but I got an email from a girl named something very close to Allison Draper, and her email address is her first letter of her first name and her last name....

ADraper.

Stop it...at least ask for an exception to your organization's email address formula. At first, I thought "at least go for the first TWO letters of the first..." but then it would be ALDraper...like Ye Auld Raper...blurg. In her shoes, I'd have to go with Allison Great Gal, so my email would be AGreatGal.

Or something like that.

something new

2011-06-22T14:31:00.001-07:00

I clicked on a bunch of stuff today, and apparently now I can post from my email, and there’s a mobile version of this blog...just for you to read while on the train or waiting for your STD test or whatever…nbd, nbd. This is actually in an email now…WILL IT POST?

I love this, because it’s making my blog more like Microsoft Word. Thanks, this!

things you've all missed.

2011-06-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

I'm back in action! Here are the things you've missed:

1. Cousin and I randomly (really randomly) were given free tickets to see Glee Live. We had this conversation...we actually have this type of conversation often.

Cousin: Hey, so this guy just gave me tickets to see Glee Live...it started about 15 minutes ago.
Me: Seriously? Do you want to go?
Cousin: Do YOU want to go?
Me: Well...I'm home and already in my jams (this was pre-conference, so shut up about it)...but think of the story we'd have...
Cousin: What would future us think about present us in this moment right now?
Me: I'm getting dressed.

In the edit mode of this post, that conversation is indented, but not when I publish it. I don't understand the internet at all. I wish the internet was all Microsoft Word and/or Paint.

Anyway, there are perks to living ten minutes away from everything great. So we used this random guy's tickets and saw half of Glee Live from really good seats. It was all that I actually used to like about Glee when I watched it (the pop music) and none of what I hated so much that I had to stop watching the show (everything else about the show). And I'm always impressed by people who can dance AND sing at the same time.

2. I had to get glasses to wear over my contacts while reading and working on a computer. Fortunately, that's only 97% of what I do. The other 3% involves watching Dateline NBC, going to concerts and walking to and from meals, at which point I don't have to wear them. I blame the conference for this most recent malady, because of all the spreadsheets I just stared at in my office until many midnights. I was going to take a picture of them, but you all know how well I do with alone pictures. Mistake!

3. That conference happened. I've been working on it for two years. I am happy it went well...happy it's over...and slightly mourning the end of having that conference to work on. I love projects.

4. I've developed a potentially unhealthy obsession with Dateline NBC and 48 Hours. I have no idea why. Sometimes, I put one on when I'm going to sleep, and I'll end up watching three of them. THEY'RE REAL STORIES.

I think cousin is embarrassed that this is our DVR right now.

5. I think I'm going to buy this:

6: My fam has been in town, which has been delightful. It has also meant that I haven't eaten at home in more than a week. When I do again, I am excited to make this:

7. Game of Thrones ended--easily my favorite HBO show in years. I can't say enough good things about it...other than I'm SO excited for season 2. It's the least formulaic show ever. Watch it immediately. True Blood is starting this weekend. It's reeeeedic, and I love it.

Get 'em, Lady S.

8. My office is going to Chuck-e-Cheese lunch today to have a skee ball competition. You'd think it would be weird to be those adults at Chuck-e-Cheese without kids...and you'd be right. Especially when in business attire. But I have SEVEN!THOUSAND!TICKETS!!!!!

9. I ordered a bathing suit online, because J Crew didn't carry it in stores (why are there still catalogs?) and it was a redic amount of money. It arrived...it didn't fit right...and I was actually happy it didn't fit right.

What? Why did you order it in the first place if you were just going to hope it didn't fit?

I have no idea. I have a shopping problem, I think. If I hadn't ensured that I didn't like it, I would forever dream of the perfect bathing suit that I never tried on, and would mentally compare every other bathing suit I'd get in my lifetime to what I envisioned that suit would look like (perfect), and no suit would ever compare. So the fact that I ordered it and didn't like it freed me from a lifetime of malcontent. And you know what? I almost kept it anyway, because when I returned it, the sales guy was like "Ohhhhh this is so cute...why are you returning it?" I literally hesitated for a moment, then remembered, and said "Because it made me look like I've birthed three babies." It actually didn't look that bad, but I wanted the conversation to end before he convinced me to keep it.

I literally have to trick myself in and out of these things. But at least I know how to do it.

I ordered another one immediately after, and it should arrive today. Here's to hoping...I keep thinking I can go with a new style after 10 years of only buying the same style...I might be delusional. Do delusional people know they're delusional?

In reflecting on this post, I have realized that you all basically haven't missed anything except the random isht that pops into my head, and, as a shout out, that I buy.
What have you been buying?
Oh, I don't know, two bathing suits, tokens at Chuck-e-Cheese and a scooter. Cheers.

Conferencia

2011-06-06T07:31:00.000-07:00

I
love
events.

I love events.

I put in this conference bid two years ago.

Yesterday, 500 people were checked in, housed, fed and welcomed.

I think I have gotten 9 hours of sleep total in the last three days...but I feel good...because conferences are like liquid sleep.

Unfortunately, it also means that my mind is working the manner that it makes it feel ok to say things like "liquid sleep," which makes no sense, and sounds narshty.

I ALSO HAD THREE HOT DOGS FOR DINNER ON SATURDAY. I loved that. Two in one bun...then one in one bun...I don't know why I'm writing that...or using the caps...maybe I'm not as in it as I thought I was...

since it's been so long since a combo word post

2011-05-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

I almost ran over a kid the other day because he literally waited for my car to get close, then ran into the street.

KIDIOT.

Two things, neither important

2011-05-20T10:13:00.000-07:00

Maybe three things. We'll see how I feel at the end.

FIRST: I finally found this summer's bathing suit. It's a big deal, because buying bathing suits is more challenging than buying juuuust about any clothing item. For some reason, I'm most concerned with lines, and this suit should be just perfect. Thanks, Melinda, for referring me. No thanks J Crew for your bathing suits being so expensive...but secret thanks because they're REAL cute.

SECOND: I can't stop listening to the following things: that pop tart cat video Ally B showed me and I posted here last month. The new Bon Iver, all tracks, but especially 1, 2 and 10 (Peter Cetera?!)...and 4...and them all. Nicki Minaj's latest single. I'm not proud of the first and the last, but you know me (do you even KNOW me??)...I'm no music snob, so I can't apologize. I like car dancing.

I'm both horrified and elated that I just linked to my blog within my blog.

THIRD: I'm really feeling a third. THIS. CONFERENCE. IS. GOING. TO. BE. THE. BEST. Partially because I just took out things that I hated about the last 6 conferences...but mostly because I just learned about QR codes, and had Noelle learn how to make them, and now we're QR-ing the SHIZ out of the schedule. Seriously. There are codes that will lead to random pictures of my coworkers thinking funny things in thought bubbles. It's going to be funny, then way too much, then excessive to the point of being funny again (think the second and third seasons of Family Guy).

I think that's it for now. We'll see.

Mildly embarrassing...

2011-05-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

...but I have to share this, because I've been enjoying it SO MUCH.

Brief context--all I've been doing lately, minus brief hiatuses for birthday parties, is planning this giant conference we're hosting in a couple of weeks. I need a new contact prescription from all of the computer staring, and I think I've typed myself into carpal tunnel syndrome, but the conference is gonna be the bomb. However, I've been mostly useless otherwise.

Best news...I found an app that not only contributes to being useless, but it's so mindless, and it allows me to take out some of my frustration in dealing with said conference...on high school kids.

Please download Opinionaided immediately.

Here's the idea: you post a yes or no question with a picture...people thumbs up or thumbs down it. You can also leave a comment. Instant feedback. Perfect, right? Oh wait...only high schoolers and child molesters use it, and they don't understand the extremely simple premise. Oh yeah, I also use it. I spend silent moments cooking, or before falling asleep, thumbs up-ing or thumbs-downing people, and leaving ridiculous comments for my own entertainment. There is no pay off for this...they can't comment back or anything...it's purely for my own entertainment. And now...please see how I spend my free moments.

It is my deepest desire that these kids see this comment and for a split second, think "Yeah, posting that might have made me look stupid. I'll think twice next time." Don't worry though...I know they're thinking "F&#% this adult!!!"

IT'S SO CUTE. It's so cute.

He is really cute.

Someone needed to tell her.

Work on consistency, and stop showing off your child boobs to strangers.

Come on...it's so much funnier because it's the CEO of Blockbuster...and I'm pretty sure that's really Jesus's quotation.

I'm actually hoping this is a joke question. "Ok baby, Imma stay...88% of people on Opinionaided thought I should."

I think it's a great tip.

At least put out more than one disposable shot glass.

I'm pretty sure this is a Chris Hansen post from To Catch a Predator.

Learn early...this is creeps.

Thumbs down.

It's never too early to be made fun of for spelling errors.

The words...the picture...there was nothing else to say.

Yeah yeah, I take these pics all the time. "Tilt that camera...look at me...I'm walking up the wall!!"

She really answered her own question.

Just wanted to be sure.

But why would I??

Nailed it.

It seems so clear.

This is the kid I hope really took this to heart.

It's true. Not really.

I can't even make fun of it, because I don't at all understand it.

I will always hate this joke, in any form. People need to know. "Want to hear a country song backwards? My wife came back..." "No. I do not."

I'm pretty sure that would do it.

This girl is setting herself up to be that mom who posts about nipple rashes on Facebook.

My head hurts just looking at this.

RIGHT???

Ha haaaa!

There's no reason to laugh at this.

I hate high schoolers.

This did make me happy I don't have a sister.

Nnnnnnnnnnnailed it!

Agree...with myself.

It's so prestigious.

Just download it. You'll get it.

Today's letter.

2011-05-09T15:41:00.000-07:00

Dear students whose parents bought them cars,

Shut up about it. Just shut the hell up.

Love,
Shannon

the most serious this blog will ever be

2011-05-02T10:39:00.001-07:00

...but I can't resist at the moment.

Dear 80% of People on Facebook:

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?

Love, Shannon

I have lost faith in the goodness of almost everyone everywhere since about 8:30 p.m. PST yesterday. There are appropriate ways to handle major world events on Facebook. Why do 80% of people choose NOT to handle things that way?

Appropriate post, ripped from someone's actual Facebook, without crediting them, because who knows if they'd even be ok with that:

""Obama is dead, I don't care" - Geraldo Rivera. Thanks Fox News for being Fair & Balanced."

--it's funny, real, and doesn't rejoice in the death of another person. Nice work.

Inappropriate post, ripped from someone's actual Facebook, without crediting them, because I hope they're embarrassed by this one day:

...in response to a comment that the people in DC celebrating OBL's death was eerily similar to the people in the Middle East celebrating the events of September 11: "False. It is a celebration of justice, their celebration was of injustice."

--False. I'm pretty sure they said the EXACT SAME THING about you just now. Justice is perceived.

Inappropriate post:

...again, an argument in response to the concept that we shouldn't be celebrating someone's death by singing in the streets: "read Ezekiel 18:23"

Kick ass appropriate reply:

"Ezekiel 18:23, "Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign LORD. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live?""

--excellent contextualization. I laughed out loud at this. I like how the person that posted the challenge in the first place apparently read the first part of that verse, then chose to stop reading, and answer the question on God's behalf with a "Yes."

Inappropriate posts:

Variations on "Ding dong the witch is dead," which range from that simple quote to the more elaborate "Ding Dong the witch is dead, the wicked witch . . . We don't forget," (which, should anyone like to wager, I bet will be one a t-shirt at gas stations in Arizona within the week).

--first of all, and maybe most importantly, witches are girls. Doesn't anyone read Harry Potter anymore? Second, this reference to a fairly old movie is not going to go far with the kids on the Facebook these days. Third, SOMEONE DIED. I don't know, maybe stop singing about it.

Inappropriate post:

"Obama made it sound like he single handedly found him and pulled the trigger himself. "

--really? Because I'm pretty sure he mentioned the troops on the ground in Pakistan several minutes before he pointed out that, by law, he had to be the one to give the order. Because it's the law. And I'm pretty sure he wasn't singing about it.

Inappropriate post:

"Osama is dead that faggot."

--REALLY? Do you know what that means? Of all the things he's been accused of, I'm pretty sure being into guys wasn't one of them. There are SO MANY OTHER adjectives that would've been appropriate. Here are a couple to choose from: criminal, killer, terrorist. And those adjectives actually have negative connotation attached.

Post toward which I am neutral, leaning toward "really?":

...from a friend in a rural Midwest town: "I can sleep so much easier tonight knowing he's dead!"

--I mean, I'm glad that you're feeling good and all, but you can't honestly expect me to believe that you've been losing sleep for the last nine years because you thought OBL might choose to attack your town of 1100. Let's not make this more dramatic than it already is.

Inappropriate post:

"I'll truly believe it when I see it. Oh wait, I won't see it because they threw his body into the ocean."

--So...you're saying you won't believe it? That hardly seems worth of a status update. I don't believe Del T is better than T Bell (do you like how I have nicknames for fast food restaurants?). POST IT.

Appropriate post (I think):

"I think Obama's next speech is going to be a guitar solo."
--I don't get it...but I like it.

Inappropriate post, followed by inappropriate comments:

Post: "Hmmm, wonder what Osama is thinkin' about right now??"
Comment: "How hot hell is"
Comment: "Where's all my virgins and can somebody kick the AC on."

--Awesome. Jesus is looking down on you with so much love right now, as you decide that someone went to hell forever, and made fun of the fact. Jesus LOVES judgment, mocking and when people go to hell. You are all awesome, and I'm happy we're (Facebook) friends. Let's get matching tattoos of OBL in hell, and us with Jesus and a bunch of virgins laughing and laughing, and Jesus will have his arm around you, and I'll be holding up a peace sign. For real. Let's get those tattoos tomorrow you guys.

Appropriate post that I couldn't have said better myself...especially because s/he also uses the abbreviation for his name, just like me:

"I just can't find joy in the physical death of another person - I feel grateful for the fortitude and courage of our troops, but I'm kinda creeped out by people cheering at OBL's death."

--I wouldn't have wanted him as an Uncle or anything, but I'm certainly not happy he died. Come on...someone died!! The only person I would be happy about dying is Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter. Boom. Two Harry Potter references in one blog. All readers alienated forever.

And to wrap things up...

Comment that appeared in the middle of the president's speech, in the middle of everyone's social media running commentary, that put it aaaall in perspective:

"Watching George Lopez as a comedian and tryna complete an essay is hard as fck, he is so funny! LMAO side tracked much haha"

I love/hate high school students. So much.

Because you have to type my name in order for the email to reach me in the first place...

2011-04-21T09:04:00.001-07:00

...it doesn't make sense when you start your email with the following:

Dear Sharon,
Hello, Ms. Hutchinson,
Mrs. Sharon Huchingson,

None of those are my name, which I have to believe you know, because the email address to which you sent your message is my first and last name, spelled correctly.

I mean, it's not a big deal. I just don't know anyone named Sharon that I really love, and I don't want to be associated with that.

Strong dislike.

Ok, I actually don't dislike this guy...but I don't really like him...it's a neutral.

Oh man, I actually like her a good amount.

Google-ing Sharon was the worst idea...I really like this one!!

Oh man. That whole argument is totally rescinded. Sharon is fine. Just don't call me Hutchinson.

I like it when giraffes say things that I say.

2011-04-20T11:21:00.000-07:00

This cat video needs to stop it...

2011-04-19T10:00:00.001-07:00

...because I love it so much.

Thanks to my Loma Blogger Ally B for making my life so much better with this.

Parents are liars.

2011-04-15T15:11:00.000-07:00

I mean, not all of them. Or maybe all of them are. It's hard to tell, right, because they're lies?
But no...definitely not all of them.

Anyway. Yesterday, I had a conversation with a mom who pretended to be a student. This isn't the first time, which is mildly depressing, but it's one of the worst. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Admissions, this is Shannon (actually, probably more like Admisisisannon...I think, after eleven hundred thousand phone answers, it's slurred a little).
Her: Hello, my name is Kevin, and I'm a high school junior. I'm calling with several questions about ROTC.
Me: Ok...Kevin...what can I tell you?
Her: Well I'm very academically gifted, and I always have been. I'm interested in pursuing the biological sciences eventually, but I'm more interested in the military at the moment. My parents think that I should pursue my education first, but I'm unsure. What advice can you offer?
Me: Well..........Kevin...(boring advice given).

At this point, I transferred her to our ROTC advising counselor for more advice, of course, but really, to get a second opinion as to whether or not this was actually a high schooler named Kevin. Here's what Chip said, via G-chat.

chippitkin: no way!!!

Thanks Chip.

Things to NOT do if you're going to call a college pretending to be your child:

1. That. Just don't do that. Never call a college pretending to be your child. It should FEEL too embarrassing, but if for some reason it doesn't, I'm telling you: it is embarrassing. Don't.
2. Say things like this "My parents think that I should pursue my education first, but I'm unsure."
3. Brag about yourself just like your mom does when she's talking about you to the neighbor.
4. Pretend to be your son, Kevin, as a mom, OR
4. Name your daughter Kevin (if it's Kevan or Kehvighn or something, I'm gonna freak out)
5. Speak with a voice that sounds like it's coming out of this body:

All are dead give aways.

It's not worth it. Kevan/Kehvighn/Kevin now looks like an idiot, even if s/he doesn't know you called.

The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas is the Cosmopolitan of My Heart

2011-04-13T13:58:00.000-07:00

I don't even know what that title means. Oh yes, here's what it means:

I love Las Vegas.

I would go every weekend if I could. It's not at all about being crazy or parties or any of that...it's just the perfect vacation spot. I love any vacation where you get there, and never have to get into a car to get anywhere. That's why I love Las Vegas...everything is RIGHT THERE. You check in, you're there. It doesn't even matter where you want "there" to be...you're there. Eating, dancing, people-watching, spa-ing, shopping, games, naps, pools, sunshine, art...everything is a short walk away. Also, I love any vacation where there is no concept of time. Also Las Vegas. I know they're strategic about hiding the clocks so you never leave, and I love it. You can sleep until 11, eat at 2, go to the pool at 4 and dance until 2...then do it all over again.

Las Vegas + Shannon = True Love.

For the past six years, some of the greatest friends ever and I have trekked to our Mecca (does it count as sacrilege if it's not my religion?) in Spring/Summer for what started as vacation, and now serves as reunion (as some of us have moved...I'm being nice in being vague, because it sure as hell wasn't me). We stay in different places on the Strip every year...until next year (until forever)...because we found our home. I don't ever want to stay anywhere other than The Cosmopolitan.

I'm actually creating a will (overdue?) and requesting that my ashes be spread there.

Here are a few (I think it might be many, actually, because in looking back on this, I went from three pictures to a lot) of the reasons this place is absolutely perfect (for us, but maybe not really for people into spelunking or anime or breeding cattle).

I'll start with what's most important. After that, they're in no partic order.

Food:

We ate at three (four?) different restaurants in the hotel, and they were all amazing. I especially loved DOCG (I don't know...don't ask), where our server was really creepy, but in a delightful way.
But by far the best food was at The Wicked Spoon, The Cosmo's answer to a buffet.

So wicked.
I love it like I love Las Vegas (circular? Likely.), and I love Las Vegas like I love to love.

You can't find three happier girls. Actually, you can, but it's us, because we get happier and happier as the pictures progressed.

That was actually a series of eleven photos. You're welcome for the editing.

Delicious everything--our agreed upon fav was the polenta, and my favs included the mashers, the greens/roasted tomato salad, and the pot roast. It actually made me wonder if I'd ever had pot roast before. ALSO...just as good as the actual food quality...the actual food...it was pre-portioned! Instead of getting a spoon of mashers, you got a tiiiiny pot of mashers. Instead of a piece of fried chicken (I initially typo'd "friend chicken"..."Hello chicken, my friend"), you got a tiiiiny fryer basket of chicken. Ummmmazing. And it was so good. Really seemed to remedy the nasty buffet food waste problem, but I imagine the dishwashers are suicidal.

Food...you are so adorable.

Sparkle:

Don't be intimidated if you aren't into the sparkle...it wasn't too over the top (yes it was and that's why I loved it). Listen...I'm also into making pizza in sweats and a t-shirt from the 80s on Tuesday. But in Las Vegas, there is no room for those things. It's about being completely over the top. That's why I can only go for three (seven) days. The Cosmo was the best of all of that. There is a three story chandelier with a bar in it. COME. ON. It was like being not in reality all of the time.

View from the floor.

My fav picture, I think...it's from the third story of the chandelier, looking up.

Soooo (not) over the top (for Vegas)

They are RADIATING SPARKLE.

We're tired slash happy....but we're all of that IN A CHANDELIER. CAPS.

Emphasis on shoes:

My life has a strong shoe emphasis. Of the material goods I love: food, then my iPod, then shoes. I'm not CRAZY about shoes or anything...I just love them, and think about them a lot, and choose carefully those in which I invest. Stop it...that's totally normal. But, (as I may have mentioned) since The Cosmo was created based on the thoughts that float around my mind, they too had a clear love of shoes, as displayed in their abundant shoe art.

This is literally perfect. Shoe. Cake. Not in that order.

Choco-shoe. I would like to wear it.

This made me think that the friend shoes were chasing after the worn shoes because they wanted to be worn. It makes a lot of sense. I'm pretty sure that's what the photographer was going for too.

A shoe I could sleep in. I wouldn't though. That's ridiculous.

These pieces of fine art provided nearly-divine inspiration for my own shoe art, and I chose to document our trip based on my shoes.

These were night one...they were excellent Barge dancing shoes.

Day two...pool day. These are the same jellies I had when I was five...but different...because of the fact that I'm not five.

Night two. Perfect for running around and stabbing people in the temple.

Zipper on zipper...night three.

Late late tv time. Perfect. Cousin is so green!

The casino floor:

Two words, plus one indefinite pronoun: ALL top shelf.

In the rough.

Ok, so I'm not really a gambler. I mean, I really try sometimes, but it's pre-he-hetty low key. I never gamble my rent money or child support or anything. But we managed to get ten dollars in free play, so I put my fake money into this slot called Kitty Glitter, only so I could take a picture for Mindy, who loves kitties (not like me) and glitter (also not like me....aaahhh I'm only keeedding!!!), but in a twist of fate, my free ten dollars turned into fifty real dollars!!! It was my most successful gamble ever. Look at the shock/delight in the crazy eyes.

I didn't go back. I know when to fold 'em.

Music:

The Cosmo prides itself on being "independent," and showcases that by having an unusually amazing line up of up-and-coming music. So weird for Vegas, and so perfect for me. We happened to be there when Marina and the Diamonds were there too. What??? Excited. We missed Robyn by days and Mumford and Sons by a thousand dollars. But Marina...she was free. Please enjoy what is possibly the lowest possible quality video available.

Dear Cosmopolitan,

I love you.

With love,

Shannon D. Cosmopolitan

Ohhhhh it's sssoooo happy!!!

2011-04-11T14:42:00.001-07:00

http://idolator.com/5819802/long-lost-sun-remix-owl-city-alligator-sky

Things about Facebook that are annoying lately.

2011-04-04T11:04:00.001-07:00

Don't worry...I'm not going to post anyone's actual posts here. No one is on blast (I have a super vague understanding of what that actually means). But know that I didn't make any of these up (except the one about Nickelback, but it was all to make a point, so it's cool).

THING NUMBER ONE
"Not" is "not" back.

So far, I think this is contained to my Midwest friends. Please stop posting things like this:
"Wow, this weekend I lost my wallet...so awesome...not!", or
"102 degrees...it's so nice outside today. NOT!", or
"Nickelback is such an awesome band. Not."

I get it. You're being sarcastic. We all get it. But pointing it out takes away any chance of it being humorous. You might as well post "102 degrees...it's so nice outside today...but I don't really mean that, because it's too hot for it to be nice, so I really meant what I first said it in a sarcastic way. Did you get it? You guys?"
In fact, I'd rather you just say that next time.

THING NUMBER TWO
Facebook isn't about proving how many uncredited references you understand before anyone else.

Status update: "Early morning, April 4...shot rings out in the Memphis sky..."
First comment: "In the name of love."

Status update: "Fish are friends."
First comment: "Not food!!!!!"

Status update: "You and me could write a bad romance..."
First comment: "OMG LADY GAGA! SHE IS THE BEST!!!!!"

There are two reasons that the first commenters feel the need to leave these comments.
First, they think that the status poster had half of a random pop culture thought, but just couldn't remember the other half, or remembered something, but couldn't figure out the reference. In this case, the commenter must assume that the updater thought that the best way to address this knowledge gap would be to post the half they remember on Facebook, with no question, in hopes that someone out there would see the unfinished status, assume that it meant that they were looking for information, and that instead of Google, they turned to an assortment of friends, elementary school connections, coworkers, friends' moms and relatives to clear things up for them, without actually being explicitly asked to do so.
Second, the commenter believes that the updater issued a secret, implied Facebook challenge, and the commenter wants to W!I!N!, so s/he responds immediately to let everyone else know that s/he knows from where said reference originates. Congratulations, ass. You won.

I hate both of these reason. Stop it, commenter. We get it...you know the reference. 100 points and my eternal respect.
Not.

THING NUMBER THREE
Serious business doesn't belong on Facebook (...but if you put it there, I reserve the right to be entertained by it.)

I almost didn't even write this, because I'm not-so-secretly wildly entertained by these posts, but because that's probably wrong (on a scale of hell worthy wrong to wrong, I think it's like an 18, but still), I want to put it out there. Facebook isn't the place for...

"I'm so broke...thinking about bankruptcy. :("
"It's 4 a.m. and he's still not home...he doesn't deserve me...but I can't leave..."
"It sucks when you want to rely on someone you thought was a friend, but they let you down. I can't rely on anyone...I'm all alone in the world...none of you guys are there for me when I need you. This sucks."
"Bad news on the mommy front...baby and I both have a rash from breast-feeding, his mouth, my nipple...ouch!"

I'm not one to use a lot of the "OMG," but OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG.

Please stop posting these things on Facebook. I don't feel like this should have to be explicit, but Facebook isn't the place for personal things that may or may not be appropriate to tell your mother. I get it if you need some support, but call someone...call me...I'm happy to talk it out with you ("Wow...I don't know a lot about bankruptcy, but I recommend you contact an attorney...not through Facebook..."). But don't post it for your grandma, boss and best friend from third grade to see. Someone is going to post something insensitive, or forward the post to all of their coworkers with "?!??!??!!" as the subject, or tell whoever you're no longer close to but still want to impress aaaall about it.

I mean this times a thousand if you're talking about any kind of nipple rash.

No photo.

Let's keep Facebook full of furtive photos of people's weird clothes and haircuts, hilarious things your kids say, and generally positive sentiments about your hometown.

Dear parents,

2011-03-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

You're only allowed one androgynous name per child.

Cory Blair
Devin Taylor
Anderson Kyle

You think you know which gender these kids are, but you're all wrong.

Male
Female
Female

I mean, if you guessed that, you were right, but I was wrong. Each kid should be allowed one androgynous name, and the second name should have to be SUPER drogynous. Acceptable choices:

Cory Jessica
Boy George Taylor
Anderson Tammi

I mean, don't name your kids that, but you get the idea.

Come on...he had to know.

2011-03-25T13:50:00.000-07:00

Blessed Douche Bag.

Dentista slash dentist

2011-03-17T14:29:00.001-07:00

I went to the dentist (wentist) today for the first time in two years.

Here's why I am terrified of the dentist:

1--Not to brag or anything, but I've had 26 teeth pulled. I still have dreams of that crack-crack crackling "just before it pops out" sound.

2--Dentists are, as a general rule, mean. I don't know why...maybe they're tired of all of us breathing on them all the time. I'd hate that too.

3--I'm still convinced that dentists (conventists...just kidding), like auto mechanics, are all a huge scam. How can any patient be sure that you MUST have the four quadrant periodontal deep cleaning that they tell you you MUST have or your teeth will fall out? "Oh, by the way, your insurance doesn't quuiiittte cover that."

4--I generally leave the dentist office feeling horrible, because of all the lecturing. I don't know anyone who flosses every day, ok? Stop making me feel so bad about it! I'd floss more if it was awesome in any way. It's not.

4--Everything smells scary at the dentist.

ALSO...I grew up without dental insurance much of the time, so I'm just not used to going. It's like how I hate showering...I grew up lying about showering, so I got used to not doing it. More on that another day.

So when I first moved back to SD and had my own insurance, I scheduled my first big girl dentist appointment. I went to some group in Hillcrest. They were mean, lectured me, and told me that I MUST have the four quadrant periodontal deep cleaning or myteeth will fall out. And oh, by the way, my insurance didn't quuiiittte cover that. I made that appointment, then didn't go.

Two years after that, I was feeling bad about not using the benefits I so diligently sign up for each year (thanks Joyce), so I made an appointment with a highly recommended local dentist. I went...no lecture, some guilt because apparently my gums were going to fall out soon (PS they're still here), no four quadrant cleaning. Not bad. Unfortunately, the dentist is SO nice and SO nice looking that I could never go back. I don't want someone who I hope to one day hang out with at someone's 31st Birthday Backyard BBQ envisioning my bicuspids (just kidding, because I don't have any--those were among the later of the pulled teeth) and judging me eating curry (which somehow is featured at the Backyard BBQ) when we laughed by the pool.

Two years after that was today. I decided to try this dentist because his office is 10 doors down from my house. That makes things feel a little more comfortable. Here's what happened:

--arrived
--told them I didn't have a dental insurance card, because I was so sure I didn't, because I never remember seeing it
--finding said card in my wallet, and first wondering how it got in there, then second wondering how it could've been in there the whole time without me even realizing, then third realizing that I was obviously the one that put it in there.
--meeting the hygienist
--telling her I'm super scared of her (my strategy--it makes them go into five year old mode...not like THEY'RE five year olds [I never let children clean my teeth], but they treat me like I am one, which is great)
--her doing a really quick and good job cleaning my teeth
--no lecturing
--me being weirded out by that, so asking about flossing (sometimes I freak out and just start talking)
--her saying "yeah, I mean, you don't have any cavities, which is great for two years of rarely flossing, but it wouldn't hurt for anyone, you know?"
--meeting the dentist
--him being nice, but not so good looking that I couldn't look him in the eye
--hand-shaking, and realizing that his hands were very, very soft
--him giving me a toothbrush
--him looking in my file to see EXACTLY what my insurance covered
--him saying "Ok, let's get back on the every six months plan, and off the two year plan"
--me booking my next cleaning, because that's what my insurance covers.

All in all, success. Thanks, Dr. New Dentist. He might be the first one who I go to more than once.

Or I might freak out again and just not go back. I'm never sure about what I'll do.

Here's something I hate: that girl who's the only one dancing.

2011-03-15T16:17:00.000-07:00

It's been a little while. Sorry about that...last week was a huge downer. But THIS week...this week is looking up. I decided to celebrate a better week by writing about something I hate.

Every good event/situation has music. That's not to say every event/situation with music is good (dentists' offices, movie scenes where beloved pets die, etc.), but in order for an event to be the best event, music is involved. Sometimes, in the truly best of situations, there is dancing to this music. I believe that almost any music is danceable (see Mary and me getting called out for dancing too much by security at Imogen Heap). But sometimes, those situations turn worst...and it's all because that one girl is dancing alone.

"But Shannon...every dance party starts with just one girl."

No, they don't. What about dance parties that start with one guy, or with three girls? Exactly.

INEVITABLY (and I say that knowing that there are for sure exceptions to this rule...but I'm only leaving room for like two exceptions, and Sarah Z is one, so if you're also that girl, you better answer first, before someone else takes the other spot), that one girl who's dancing alone is doing it because a--she thinks everyone loves her, b--she thinks that she is an amazing dancer, and c--she thinks that people are better for sitting and watching her dance.

We are, girl, because you look like an a-hole.

There are three kinds of Alone Dancing Girls.

First, the "Hey everybody...come see how good I dance!" girl.

She's the worst. This girl really thinks that she, through years of going to prom with older boys, has mastered THE moves to be the most popular girl on the dance floor. And lucky for her...she is...because she's the only one on the dance floor. She generally tries her best contemporary/lyrical dance moves that involve arms flailing (that she learned on So You Think You Can Dance), in combo with her best prom moves, which involves whatever people do to Juvenile's "Back That Thing Up." It also always involves a lot of open mouth moves, and eyes closed moves. In the best cases, there will also be hair flipping, and several "point to someone out there and try to get them to join you on the dance floor, but not really, because spotlight's on you!" waggles. Those moves are hit-makers, do NOT get me wrong...but only when you're dancing with a group of friends. When you're all alone, it's super desperate. It's especially bad when she keeps looking back at the crowd to make sure that people are looking at her. Stop it. If you were a good dancer, someone would go dance with you. I give this girl 30 seconds of self-love-dancing before I start hating. Maybe it was a dare. You might think that by dancing with her, she'll love you, but really, she'll be mad that you're stealing her spotlight, and everyone else will think you, also, are SUPER desperate.

Second, the "I don't know if you knew this, but I am trained in dance." girl.

She's the worst. This is the girl who takes great care to do a couple of "trained dancer" moves that, by the way, Gina, we all do when we're alone and doing dishes, or vacuuming. She'll be the one that runs into the middle of the open space (P.S. Alone Dancers always have to have a TON of space, to ensure that a lot of people see them. You'll notice that they never start alone dancing in a small area where there aren't many, many people) and hops up on one toe, or spins around ballet style (just want to emphasize how untrained I am right now), or (this really happened to me last week or so) does a bunch of super freaky, unattractive-to-anyone-but-Michael-Flately Irish step dance moves. Stupid. Seriously? Stop it. In the best cases, this girl will try to insert some tap moves into whatever she's dancing to, because without fail, tap dancers think they're the most talented and classy of all the dancers, and that tap fits any style of music. This girl wants to ensure that everyone knows that she's "trained in a studio" under whoever, whenever, and she's better off (than you) for it. Do not try to dance with her...she'll try to get you to be her swing partner (no matter what music is on), and will get annoyed when you don't "pick up the choreography."

Third, the "I'm too drunk to know this is embarrassing...DANCE IT OUT!!!!" girl.

This girl isn't the worst, but only if she is later embarrassed by being this girl. She usually does a lot of inappropriate moves, and sometimes falls. In those cases, she's the best.

I could go on, but actually, I can't. Happy payday, world.

Things I can't post on Facebook

2011-03-11T13:58:00.000-08:00

...because I don't want anyone to fire me:

--I read a file for a kid who's middle name is Clingy. Come on, parents...that's a family name that shouldn't have been carried on. That poor guy is never going to break free of that stigma.

--our application has a spot for a "preferred" name...like if you're first name is Clingy, but you want to go by Warren... Somehow, from the application to the database, Heather's preferred name is "er Heath."

--a student whose last name is Phillips listed her home church as "Larry Phillips."

Amen.

Two ads I hate and one I love

2011-03-01T18:52:00.000-08:00

This isn't going to be that great of a post, because I couldn't manage to find pictures or videos of ANYTHING I'm about to talk about, so you're just going to have to trust me.

First ad I hate:

On the 8 East, right before the 5 South split, there's a large billboard with a cartoon crocodile/alligator (I never really learned the difference...something about teeth or nostrils or something?), and text that reads "Have you heard of Linux? WE'RE HIRING."

Reasons I hate this:

1--I'm annoyed at the fact that I actually HAVE heard of Linux
2--I've heard of it because they tried to release a PC operating system in the early 2000s called Lindows, like a-holes, got sued, and lost. Stupid.
3--The cartoon animal. At least try to tie it in...or make it so over the top ridiculous that it clearly DOESN'T tie in. A cartoon crocogator is just stupid.
4--For this person: "Yes I have heard of Linux. Why do I care if you're hiring?"
5--For this person: "No, I have never heard of Linux. Why do I care if you're hiring?"
6--For this person: "No, I have never heard of Linux. Are you trying to imply that I can't apply for a job there? Do the two really go hand in hand?"

Now I know SOMEONE out there is saying "Ha ha Shannon...you're an a-hole [I'm really trying to expand the use of that word...more on that another post]...you're thinking and talking about that ad, and that's EXACTLY what they wanted!"

My answer: "No. No. No. Because of this ad alone, I will never accept a position at Linux, and will openly ridicule any one of my friends who ever interviews there. I'm not joking." It'll go like this: "Wow, so you got hired on at Linux , huh? Were you interviewed by an alligator/crocodile? I think that's who they've got working over there, so you probably were, right? Yeah, will you be working with some alligators/crocodiles when you start? Yeah, that's definitely a part of the company, for sure. When did you hear about Linux? Because I think that's also a big part of who they choose to hire...you know...because it really matters...A LOT. BIG TIME. Cool though, really. Cartoons!!"

The ad looked a LOT like that, but there was more yellow.

Second ad I hate:

I heard it on a radio ad for Vail, Colorado. I don't remember anything but this tag-line, that came up several times in the 30 second spot: "Plan a vacation 30 minutes from the airport!"

Reasons I hate this:

1--Seriously? That's what you're going with to entice people? I have never been to Vail, but I don't think "proximity to the airport" is the best thing they've got going for them. "San Diego...zero minutes from the airport, because it's the San Diego Airport, a-holes."
2--30 minutes is juuust far enough that you still have to rent a car, because no one wants to cab it for a half hour. Since no rental cars have had mileage caps since the mid-1970s, who cares how far you have to drive to get there? No one cool.
3--This one might be a stretch, so I'm putting it at number 3. Vail=skiing. Skiers=outdoorsy people. Outdoorsy people=people who love the environment (not in a creeps way...just in an "I appreciate trees and blackbirds" way). Large jets=bad for the environment. Also, loud.

I don't think they're attracting the right kind of people with this tag line.

Now I know SOMEONE out there is saying "Ha ha Shannon...you're an a-hole...you're thinking and talking about that ad, and that's EXACTLY what they wanted!"

My answer: "No. No. No. Because of this ad alone, I will never take a vacation to Vail, and will openly ridicule any one of my friends who ever do. I'm not joking." It'll go like this: "Wow, Vail, huh? 30 minutes from the airport? That's really nice, because you GOTTA be close to an airport when you want to get away! There's nothing quite like hitting the slopes and breathing in the crisp Colorado air and jet fumes. I LOVE looking out from the ski lift and seeing nature's lofty peaks and British Airways flight 2318. Can't WAIT for you to BE THERE!!"

Third ad I LOVE:

I was in Hawaii on Fall Travel, it was a morning talk show local car commercial, and in a perfect Hawaiian accent, the guy said: "What is this, a Hyundai? Same thing as a Korean Lexus."

It's science. I'll take it.

resolution

2011-02-25T11:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Shannon:

Thank you for your email response.

We received your request for zipper pull, and we want to let you know that we will be sending it by regular mail. You should receive it within the next 10-14 business days.

We appreciate this opportunity to be of service.

Sincerely,
Andrea Baker
Consumer Relations Representative

000804738K

SUCK IT TREBEK.

Thanks, but I'm still changing allegiance to Tumi.

PS: In regards to...
http://theishtibuy.blogspot.com/2011/02/heres-something-im-never-ever-buying.html

Schmudget

2011-02-16T13:50:00.000-08:00

This budget is killing me softly!

Not really that dramatic, but still...I liked life more before it. I mean, I might sleep a little better, but I miss buying a bunch of stuff I love all the tiiimmmeee!!!

It has been interesting, though, to see so many cases-ins-points that I had no idea what I was spending on things.

Case in point...I am $24 away from my monthly eating out budget. It's the 16th. Damn it.

Case in point...$80 on gas a month isn't enough. I'm about to get my third tank this month. Worst! Think of the shoes I'm not buying because of this!

Case in point...groceries can be expensive. I exceeded that budget this month, but I knew it would happen, because I hadn't stocked up on the essentials since...I don't know...August? Mistake!

Because of those cases-ins-points case in point...I'm not using my tiny but delightful clothes/shoes budget on clothes/shoes this month...because I've already used it at the grocery store and gas station.

I'm like 65 years old.

Can't wait to get used to this...and to adjust the budget so it actually works.

That dollar is NEVER gonna get finished!!!

Here's something I'm never, ever buying

2011-02-11T10:49:00.001-08:00

A Samsonite suitcase.

And the worst part is that I LOVE SAMSONITE SUITCASES.

The saga begin-eth: I have traveled for work for seven years...maybe eight...I actually don't remember for sure...but for a while. I enjoy parts of it, but overall, I am tired of traveling for work. It's at its worst the few weeks leading up to travel, when I fall into what I call "Travel Lurgy (travelurgy)" (because it really is highly infectious, since I'm generally a huge downer), and I don't want to talk about leaving, prepare for leaving or even think about leaving.

This fall, that came back to bite me because I had a big trip in November, for which I needed to invest in a new suitcase, as I had to throw my old reliable suitcase of two years away, because it had been "handled" by baggage handlers one too many times. Because of the Luuuuurrrggyyyyy, I literally forgot to get a suitcase. I went looking two times, and was so sad at the thought of leaving town again that I just walked out empty handed. So go time came (two days before I left), and Kate was Grate (get it?) and lent me her suitcase.

I LOVE her suitcase. Perfect size, perfect pockets, spinners (requirement), easy to lift...it's perfect. I keep almost buying one for myself, then getting too sad about it. Also, it's expensive. I think Kate got it (I always typo that to say "go tit" and I know one day I'm going to hit send without seeing it) as a gift.

I left town, I used it, it was amazing, I went home.

On the way home, the suitcase was "handled" right out of a zipper pull. I KNOW that a missing zipper pull isn't the end of the world. The zipper is still totally zip-able, and it was the big one, so there are actually two pulls, and the other one was ok.

But that's not the point...the point is that someone really kindly lent me something, and I don't want to give it back sub-par. "Thanks for being so nice, here's something not really nice in return. Have a great day." So mid/late November, I went to get this thing taken care of.

Here's how it went down: Mid November: I called Customer Service, and I was instructed to go into a Samsonite retail store to buy a replacement zipper pull. The retail store told me they don’t carry extra parts.

I checked the website for an answer, and was told that I needed to take it to a licensed Samsonite zipper repair shop. The closest one to me is in Arizona.

On November 23, I called Customer Service to see what I should do. A really nice lady emailed a list of zipper pulls to choose my replacement from. It was a PDF that looked like it was from 1988, full of pixel-ated zipper pictures and part numbers, many written by hand. None of them were in color. That was really helpful.

On November 30, I selected the piece I thought I needed, based on the largely unhelpful Xerox, and emailed back with my order. Sidenote--don't you think I should've just been able to tell them which suitcase I had, and they would have been able to tell me which zipper pulls it had?? I did. I guess that's not how it works. Un-sidenote. I received the standard "we got your email" email, that ends with a "We will get back to you with in 7 days."

One more sidenote. SEVEN DAYS?? We get back to our customers within 24 hours. Come on.

On December 7, I followed up with Customer Service, as I still hadn’t heard anything about my order, seven days later.

On December 8, I was contacted, requesting my mailing address, to which I immediately replied, and I was assured a response within seven days (again).

On December 16, I followed up with Customer Service, as I still hadn’t received any response about my order...more than seven days later.

On JANUARY 7 (more than seven days later...more than seven and seven more days later!), I was informed that my part would be sent within 10-14 business days, that I would be billed $4.50 for shipping, and “If there should be any problems in filling your request, we will contact you.” I gave them the benefit of the doubt and assumed they'd waited the full 14 days, sent the piece likely in the slowest manner possible, and that it would arrive sometime in the month.

On February 10, as I still hadn’t been contacted, I contacted Customer Service again.

Today, February 11, I received an email, letting me know that my part actually had not been shipped as promised, it was now on back order, that they didn't know when it would become available, and that in order to receive an un-matching replacement part, I would have to pay for the part, and pay $5-$7 for shipping.

SO, in a move completely out of my real character, but in this character of someone who doesn't get pushed around by mechanics and who doesn't let strange men into her hotel room at night (another story... I think I might have already told that) that I've really been working on lately, I sent the following email:

Hello—
Unfortunately, I haven’t had a working suitcase since mid-November, 2010. In my numerous contacts with Customer Service, I have been referred to many “solutions” that haven’t actually led to me receiving my part.

(Basically cut and paste all that I just told you, but more professionally)

I really love my Samsonite suitcase, and as I travel for work, I generally get great use out of it. However, working with Customer Service has been discouraging. I haven’t been able to use my suitcase since November. At that point, I was willing to pay for a replacement part for it to be usable again. However, to wait for almost three months, and to have to repeatedly reach out to Customer Service even though I was assured a response just to be told that the part that I need isn’t available, that there is no date that it will become available, and that I can receive an un-matching part, but I still have to pay for it, and that for some reason, the shipping cost is even higher, is unacceptable. Please let me know if you’re able to send me the un-matching part free of charge so that my suitcase is usable until the part I actually need is available, or if I need to file a formal complaint.

Thank you, jerks,

Just kidding about that last part.

an ode to this ball

2011-02-10T15:07:00.000-08:00

This Ball

I love you like I love other things that are simple and hold my attention for long periods of time. I keep you by my phone as a distraction for angry phone calls I receive. Also, it's kick ass how all that glitter settles so quickly.

The end.

My hand is a terrifying sea serpent!!!!!

Offline shopping

2011-02-10T09:23:00.000-08:00

More like shopping is OFFline...for me...ever...

What? I don't know. I just felt like I had to go with it.

So I haven't had my car for a full week and a day now, because something is wrong, and no one really knows what, so my "mechanic's" solution has been to just keep it and drive it around until something happens. I can't even write any more about it because it's so overwhelmingly annoying and I don't want to start swear-typing in case the kids are reading this.

But all of that to say it's nearly impossible to go shopping-in-reality without a car.

Also, I have really enjoyed all of the walking, and ALSO also, thanks to my wonderful friends for never even thinking twice when I ask them for a ride.

So I haven't purchased anything other than groceries all month. I know it's only been 10 days, but that's more than a third of this month, and a big moment for this girl. It's also been such a downer to automatically delete all of my store oriented (storiented) emails without even looking at them. I KNOW I'm missing a big apartment sale at UrbanOutfitters.com, and I just deleted without even opening a DSW email that was titled "CLEARANCE PLUS DOUBLE POINTS!", which was deflating, to say the least.

I mean, I know that happiness doesn't come from buying things, but I sure am happy when I buy things...soooo...

I'm working on it, I'm working on it.

So when I Google-imaged (one of my favorite pass times) "I'm working on it," the following three pictures came up:

Makes sense. I like it. It's my new tattoo.

Doesn't really make sense, but I like it...but really only Part Two...Part One looks fake and Park Three is too shiny...and also, those neck/shoulder muscles are so narshty...who wants to touch those?? Just imagine my painted-nail-girl-hand on that shoulder is creeping me out. Also, why do those half-men have lady names?

Doesn't make ANY sense, and I am NOT working on anything like this. I can't even say how many things I hate about this. Actually, I can. So much blue. Denim skirt. Creepily tall socks. Shoes from 1998. Sandals and socks. Picture angle from top down. There being absolutely no reason to take a picture like this. Done.

the isht I've wanted to buy...

2011-02-02T14:56:00.001-08:00

...online...just because it's no online shopping month, I'm sure, are:

--These boots...because I love them and convinced myself I NEED flat boots...to replace the other flat boots I have...because their heel is messed up...but also, I never wear them because I like being taller than I really am...

--Coachella passes...even though they're way too expensive. Thank God they sold out.

--This new Robyn album. I LOVE IT. I love it. But even iTunes is online...ergo nokay. But really, check out Fembots. I love it.

--This new Decemberists. I haven't even heard it, but I always buy their music, and always like it.

--This V-day card for my G-ma, because I started wondering if she ever gets V-day cards and got so sad! No worries though...I'll borrow from my eating out budget to buy her a card not online.

--This V-day card for all of my friends (not Jonathan), because it's PERSONALIZE-ABLE!!! Adorbs. I don't even LIKE V-day, but I wanted to buy this, just because I can't.

--This dress for my sister-in-law, although I repeatedly vow to not buy people clothes because I know it is hard for them when they don't like it but feel like they have to wear it, then repeatedly break that vow because I think "I know OTHER people can't buy their friends clothes, but I totally got this!!", even though I'm sure I DON'T got it, because I felt like she would look awesome in this style in which I look so terrible but love, and wear it at Anthro.

--This dress, which I basically already have.

--THIS dress, because it's on sale and although I would be waaaaay too hippy in it, I love the idea of it.

--This frame, because I love it.

Aaaahhhh...I have a problem. But maybe not entirely, because I haven't bought any of it....I just want to. I had a dream about shoe shopping, and it took all that was in me (and all that was in Mindy's boots) to not go.

Fantasy Sports...they're like a fantasy...

2011-02-01T10:07:00.001-08:00

...if your fantasy is a nightmare and a waste of time.

I like pretend stuff as much as the next girl who's read all seven Harry Potters about seven times each, but I sure do hate fantasy sports. The only thing worse than regular sports is fantasy sports, and that includes gambling your rent money away on sports.

Yes, I'd rather you gamble away all of your rent money than spend five seconds telling me anything about your fantasy sports team, or league, or whatever. At least when you gamble, something actually happens.

Come on. What other real things have fantasy counterparts? I mean, at least Dungeons and Dragons has dragons.

My brother said that last line...I just really liked it. But seriously--do you all like that the best comparison anyone has to fantasy sports is Dungeons and Dragons???

"Falcour...I choose you to play for the 49ers offense this week...and I give you the power of banishing darkness and a sword with the strength of 10 on touchdown scoring!"

Ha ha...it's real clear that I don't even understand real sports (or Dungeons and Dragons) based on that sentence alone. I really tried on that one. But SERIOUSLY...seriously...nothing is more annoying than being with more than one person who are in some "league" together, and hearing them talk about their fake teams, and their fake points, and how mad they are that something really happened in a real game, and how that ruined their fake game.

I mean, just talk about the real game!! At least I can Google that to follow along and contribute.

There is nothing that anyone NOT in that league can contribute to that conversation. "Yeah, when real Eli Manning ran all of those real yards, my fake Eli Manning was so pissed, because he wasn't supposed to run that much in my fake game...arg..."

I'm convinced that it's just a reason for people who aren't in other exclusive groups to be exclusive. "Oh sorry, you can't comment, because you aren't in my league...hopefully I can find a spot for you next year...start brainstorming about your clever team name...No Punt Intended is already taken, FYI."

I'm starting a Fantasy House of Representative league.

"Damn it! I had Chu signing off on the adoption of the Peters Amendment on Tuesday, not Thursday, and that the bill to reduce Federal spending by terminating taxpayer financing of presidential election campaigns would be HE 357, not HR 359. At least I picked Rodney Frelinghuysen to take New Jersey's 11th district. What a wild week in my Fantasy House of Representatives league, "We the Freeple" !!!"

I was also thinking about "Rad-ify","Cam-PAIN Finance Reform" and "Bill of Wrights." But that last one would only be funny if my last name was Wright.

Ode to My Lost Keys

2011-01-31T10:49:00.000-08:00

It's more of an homage/ode, not really a rhyme scheme/ode.

I thought you were lost forever, cay keys. I hated you for that.
Then you turned up in Mindy's boot. It made no sense, but a little sense.
Sorry about that.

Also, it was kind of nice to not have keys yesterday, because I was forced to walk to breakfast, which I should always do, then caught up on like 11 hours of TV. With keys, I FOR SURE would've gone shoe shopping, because I dreamed about shoe shopping, and it was so awesome.

(these aren't an accurate depiction of the actual keys or boots...I just went for it)

January goal...continued after a moment of deep breaths

2011-01-25T20:48:00.001-08:00

I needed a moment to say what I just said in that last post. Thanks.

When I Googled "Budgets Suck," nothing came up. Same results with "I Hate Budgets." I went with just "Budgets," and got this:

I don't really think it applies, unless I'm the pilgrim, and the turkey is all the food I won't be eating out again, ever, until I get like three side jobs, or a second income in the form of a another person just giving me money every month.

So I set up a monthly budget on mint.com. I recommend it...if you feel like you have to set up a budget, that is. I MORE recommend just living totally recklessly.

I mean, it was only like 2 hours ago that I was living totally recklessly as opposed to living with a budget, but I'm really missing those times.

There's a reason I waited until the 25th of the month to accomplish this month's only goal...it was mildly devastating to see how much I make vs. how much I HAVE to spend each month (like fixed things...rent...insurance...so many more etc.s...). And you can't really forget that, right? I mean, I guess time will tell, but I'm pretty sure that every time I have a totally unnecessary pair of shoes in hand at DSW, I'll just picture this budget, cry, and leave, empty-handed.

Unless they're like $11. That's in the budget.

Not like I didn't see it coming.

But to see what I have been spending on isht that should've been going to pay down student loans/car/everything was THE worst. And I'm saying it's THE worst on a night when I spent almost 10 hours traveling, didn't eat breakfast or lunch, and was conned into watching TWO basketball games (ok, not the whole games, but some of both, which counts).

I did almost cry at one point when I thought my monthly fixed expenses were more than my monthly income, but then I realized that I input the wrong income. Thank goodness.

But really...do we REALLY need car insurance? Or cars at all? I was, at one point, basically convinced that I need to sell my car, give up cable TV forever, stop going to the gym and start only eating whatever other people have leftover when I go out with them but don't order anything.

I'm ok. I'm ok?? I'm ok.

I just wish I was like...I don't know...8 again. Not really 8 though, because I can't remember if I got an allowance at 8. Actually, I wish I was like 17, before I had bills, when my parents paid for a lot of my food, and when I had bangs. But with this same salary. And without the bangs.

My bangs ratio was the same, but Zooey D is much, much cuter. Seriously. Picture braces, no makeup and less cute. And none of you have any room to say anything, because none of you knew me then. Boom and roasted.

January goal

2011-01-25T20:27:00.000-08:00

Oh man...January's goal is accomplished. I set a budget. It was horrible. I'm super pissed to be an adult right now.

This HAS to be for the greater good, right??

Dear self,

2011-01-18T15:14:00.000-08:00

Two things today, self. First, please stop wearing these shoes just because they are so cute. They hurt real bad, and it's the only time you've ever decided that it's not worth it to wear them, so just stop wearing them, instead of deciding not to wear them, forgetting, and wearing them again.

Second, stop leaving half-consumed mugs of coffee on your desk for days. You always forget about it until it starts smelling. Just don't do it in the first place.

Best,
Self

The Isht I Buy

How I feel the week after trying a new workout.

Am I the only one who's happy to lose internet privacy?

Dear 3.7, 1150 white girl,

Lifelong lessons from being a stay-at-home-Aunty for a week

first, imagine a skinny kid doing a jump kick.

This is not a good deal, Mattress Discounter.

Facebook is killing me OR The end of some of my friendships.

Worst Twitter Ever

Worth justifying: anything a kid does is funnier if that kid is chubs

Here's something I hate...

Scenes from a train

My In-Depth Movie Reviews: First Edition

WHAT???

this is real.

Here's something I hate: grocery check out PIN machines

OPB

Things I know now that I wish I'd always known

I'm not easily embarrassed, but...

here's something I hate: *happy sigh*

you GUYS.

this SHOULD be embarassing...

Dear the whole (first) world:

Things I could have purchased instead of "fixing" my car this year

Here's something you may not know...

Knees are NOT cute

Pen 15 Club

High schoolerrrssssss!!!!!

Ways to tell that our date isn't going well.

Here's something I hate: people who get all up in arms when I say Happy Holidays.

I'm inviting all my Facebook family and friends to join me in returning to the traditional greeting of "MERRY CHRISTMAS" instead of the politically correct "Happy Holidays"!! If you agree with me, please re-post this message.....MERRY CHRISTMAS...

Also...

SO excited

I call this photo series "Guess where I am."

For Anon...

too close to call

Phone conversation

youguysyouguysyouguysyouguys

Just because it's been a while...

Unfortunate.

Alone traveling...and ways to ensure you stay alone

iamsoimpatient

Scenes from Camarillo...

Made up stories are my reality

Wow, Hilton.

LivingGroupon

I could never...

I.CAN'T.STOP,

NSFW

Sometimes...

You know you're from Phoenix if...

Don't tell...

Things I hate on Facebook today

Today is going to be a kick ass day.

Interviews

This is borderline embarrassing...

Dear girl standing behind me in the TSA line...

Here's something I hate: shared Facebook accounts

Better than sleep...??

Agree to agree

Dear Baskin Robbins,

Phone conversation

Yikes.

Convo at the booth today:

I chose the worst Gmail address possible

It was almost a very different kind of day.

Third post in one day...yikes...

Because I still do this...

name change situation

something new

things you've all missed.

Conferencia

since it's been so long since a combo word post

Two things, neither important

Mildly embarrassing...

Today's letter.

the most serious this blog will ever be

Because you have to type my name in order for the email to reach me in the first place...

I like it when giraffes say things that I say.

This cat video needs to stop it...

here's something I hate: happy sigh