Here's how you know it's time...

...for the Special K Challenge:

When you sit down in your work chair, and you (more specifically, your booty) rips the lining of your skirt.

Thank the goodness it's just the lining, so no one can see it.

Special K Challenge...starting October 10. Who's with me?????

http://www.specialk.com/challenge/reso

True or false...

...in the car at 10:30 last night, I put cuticle oil all over my lips.

RI(not)P hair dryer

It shorted out and burned my hand today. I hated it for that. Also, I had to half dry the rest of my hair with a flat iron.
When I think back on this hair dryer, I will only remember the burn and the time that I cut my head open and there was blood everywhere when I was drying my hair. I hated those things.

I hated this hair dryer.

I think I will buy a wildly expensive one next time, just to see what all the hubbub is about. What's all the hubabout?

(As a sidenote, this is how I get into too-expensive-for-my-own-good habits. "Oh, Paige jeans can't be actually worth $200...Prada sunglasses can't be THAT great..." Turns out, they are, and they are. And now I can't buy jeans at the Gap or sunglasses at Target ever again.)

Haters...you can kill yourselves.

Her words...not mine!

I hate to love it too, but not really, because I listened to this probably 100 times while I was traveling last week. IT'S.SO.CATCHY. And it's about time someone sampled this song!!!

Living someone's dream at the college fair

I don't know whose dream, but I know it's someones. Here are some things:

-A really, really business-oriented mom bustled up to me and said "Do you have Kinsey-ology?" Credibility lost. Stop pretending like you know what you're talking about.

-Two sophomores stood at the booth for at least 10 minutes looking through and through and through again our general info brochure, assuring me they had no questions. Then one of them stopped on a page with an ocean pic and said "Yep...this is my favorite page." Then they left.

-A kid from the host high school made his rounds at the tables, then left, and came back with a big box of loose candy, which he proceeded to try and sell to other students and parents. There was no indication that it was for any type of fundraiser...he was just selling candy. My friend Tim and I played a little game to see who would buy and who would blow him off (hey girl). There were more of the latter (heeeeyyyy girl).

-A girl came up to the table and asked if we had architecture, to which I replied that we did not, and she was getting ready to leave, when her friend saw our brochure major list and said "Oh my gosh, you have interior design???" At that point, the architecture girl came back and goes "Oh then I will fill out a card, because I want either architecture or interior design!!" Girl...that's like saying you want to either study bio-chem or taffy-making. Seriously?? Don't even worry about it...you're not going to be an architect.

-One kid came up to the table, staring at the display, which says PLNU at the top, and finally said..."Pluh...pluh...wait, HOW do you say the school?"

Home in four days. Hooray!

Mama's mumu

I'm in a coffee shop called Maui Wowi, and there are ladies practicing the ukulele singing Mama's Mumu.
Excellent.

There's a single dad with his two cute daughters, and he keeps looking over at me whenever his kids say something funny with an amused look. That part is funny. He also keeps looking at me when he thinks HE says something funny. Not funny.

Kid: I had a bloody nose today at school...
Dad: So what else is new??
Looks at me smirking, I look up and smile uncomfortably.

Kid: I thought it was snot, but it was blood.
I actually smile, because that's funny.
Dad: You thought it was snot...typical!
Looks at me smirking, I look up and smile uncomfortably.

This happens about 4 more times.

Kid: Can I have a drink of yours?
Dad: You are drinking everyone's drink but your own!
Looks at me smirking, I stop looking back.

This is another reason I will inevitably die young...I just go along with whatever is going on for a long time.

"I need a COAT, mother f-er, don't you EVER forget!!"

Here's something I hate:

When people edit, then specify abbreviations, like:

OMgosh!
WTHeck??
TGoodnessIF!!!!

I hate this for several reasons.

1--It basically ruins the abbreviation in the first place. No one says ASAPossible, or FYourI. At the point that you spell out one word, there's no reason for the abbreviation. Just say it all! Then you'll really show them.

2--I get it already! You don't swear! You don't need to hit it home again. If you type OMG, I'm not going to all the sudden assume you've started taking the Lord's name in vain. It's gosh. You only say gosh. I get it.

3--I hate it.

That's right...the third reason I hate it is because I hate it.

TTYouL!!!

Money for nothing, chicks for free

DON'T SAY THAT TITLE LIKE THE SONG...just kidding. The title has nothing to do with this entire post.

So I got to see some of the Today Show when getting ready at my hotel/motel this morning, and caught the lucrative "Home Decor" segment, where they had some sort of expert (how do you even become a home decor expert??) talking about home decor myths (which I also don't really think exist). At one point, Ann (do you like how I call her Ann like we're friends or something? I do see her more than many of my actual friends, I guess.) said (one more parenthetical aside!!) "So next, truth or myth: Lamp design isn't important?" The expert was literally laughing and said "Ohh ho ho ho myth!!!!" like this was something that was actually important and actually funny. Inside lamp joke. Good one. But really, not good, because it's not funny, even to lamp lovers.

So one of the high schools I visited today was in ASB/StuGo/whatever you called high school student government election season, and let me tell you...high school student campaigning is pure genius.



1--What??
2--I don't follow the logic, but nice use of color, D.



1--What??
2--Sometimes, Dylan, spell check doesn't cut it.
3--I get it...freshmen boys will read things that say Victoria's Secret, and then laugh a little about it...and then probably vote for Dylan.


1--YES!
2--You know she's been waiting forever to use this officially, because it's come up A LOT throughout her life.
3--Come voting day, count me for CHEW!

1--You lost me at Vote A--
2--Really? Colored paper was all the creativity you could muster?
3--BORING.


1--These kids likely weren't born when these commercials were on TV.
2--Sorry your last name looks like Occult a little.


1--I like the glitter!
2--Also, nice rhyme. There was no better way to make this sign.
3--But I hope Dana's name isn't pronounced "Dan-uh," because that will be confusing in the voting booth. "I know it rhymes with bananas..."


1--Sorry I blurred your poster, but a kid walked out of the bathroom and scared me when I was taking the picture.
2--Cool pic of you at the Grand Canyon.


1--So you went with the M and the A in red? Huh.
2--Nice highlight of the :)'s...let's emphasize those even more.
3--Adding the "Just go ahead and" really didn't even out the meter of the rhyme at all...but I like the effort.


1--Poon
2--A little heavy on the text, Darren.
3--But really, you can't argue with results!


1--Don't you think this is a little presumptuous?
2--Was Chew born when Pikachu was a thing??
3--Is it STILL a thing?
4--I liked the Chew Chew better.


1--Dana...this is old news.
2--Like, I don't think it's been on commercials for 10 years old news.


Aaaaaand...on way out of town, no where near a school, which, I think, is the only way this would make any sense:

Hold on, I can't turn yet...I'm still reading the many, many restrictions on when I can turn. What time is it? Car crash.

on the road...AGAIN

Don't you dare say that like the song, because that is NOT what I'm going for.

Hello. I'm tired of fall travel, and it's my first day. I think it's because I am now like 15 years older than the average counselor. But at least there are weird things to write about.

I hate and love overzealous sports fans.

So on my flight last night, there was this lady dressed as though she were an actual Giants player...tight white pants and all. She stopped every few aisles while boarding to ask people if they were at the game, then, regardless of their answer, she'd talk to them, in "I know a lot about this, can't you tell?" detail, about players, games, stats, blah blah blah. No one cared, OR everyone was too creeped out to have that conversation with a complete crazy lady stranger. Then, no lie, she tried to start the "Here we go Giants, here we go!" clapping cheer 12 times on the flight. Weird thing--she only did it when the flight attendants and pilots were on the PA. No one joined in, but she kept yelling "COME ON YOU GUYS!!! COME ON!" I don't even think she was drunk, because I saw her more than an hour later at the train for the BART, and she was doing the same thing, but weirder. It was just me on one side, her across from me and a guy standing like 10 yards (sports measurement!) away, and she yelled to him "Did you catch the game??" He said he did, and looked away, but no worries, because she just walked over to him with an arm in the air and said "Ok, we have to do it..." which made him look pretty nervous, because her arm was in the air and all, and he said "Do what?" She said "THE HIGH FIVE!!!" Then she did the same thing that she did on the plane..."player player score score blah blah." He just stood there, but she didn't care. I love her enthusiasm, and hate that it's wasted on something that has no value to society.

Coffee shops are full of weird people in the day time.

...also called...

Don't you all have jobs?

I am sitting one table away from a group of three 50-60s men, one of whom is either a huge ass or just crazy. I can't tell. The other two men are somehow his employees, and he's been using this last hour to catch up with them, and to impart random bits of wisdom.

For example:

"If you make ten decisions, you make one wrong. It's a statistic. You find the wrong one, and you go "OOPS! What's the mistake?" And you learn. So if you can make it a little more user friendly, we're winning all around. Ok, so what else on Hummingbird?"

"Bingo. If I had a cigar, I'd give it to you."

"That's fine. That's fine. It's not approved."

"You need to call the trailer company to get it fixed. I don't see you writing that down."

But he's saying all of this like a huge jerk. Seriously. Everything I said with this "you two are dumb...thank God you have me to guide you" tone. I can't tell if the guys are mad or what. I'm mad for them. The guy also says all of these things looking over his glasses, which are about to fall off of his nose...intentionally.

"Ok, you guys can stay here and talk if you want, but I have a meeting, so...whatever."

Also, some other guy just started playing the piano like 40 minutes ago. He doesn't work here.


So now it's just the two guys who were being enlightened/lectured, and one looked at the other and said "That was rough."

Totally, man.

And in conclusion, I can't stop singing this song recently. Here is one of the worst versions of it, but it's all the interweb had for us. It's worth a Google and actual listen. And don't take it personally...you're obviously exempt!

reflections from the front desk

So to cover while our normal front desk person is in training, I am at the front desk this morning (and by "this morning," I now mean last week, because I forgot to post this). Here are my reflections.

"Good morning...are you here for the tour?"
"We are!"
"Great. Where are you coming from?"
"La Mesa."
"Oh great, so not too fa--"
"Actually, silly me...it's Alpine. We're from Alpine."

Someone just came in with a two baby running stroller (over-achiever) and handed me payment for the early childhood center, which is on campus, but nowhere near this building. Then they just left.

It smells like a sick blend of the upstairs coffee and the downstairs coffee.

"I'm here to pick up my tickets for the Magic Mountain event."
"Oh great--you'll just want to go inside to Catharine."
Immediately, he comes back out with Catharine, because the tickets are right beside me, and says "So how does this whole Magic Mountain thing work?" What?? It's an amusement park! You just get there and go on rides and stuff.

"Hi, can I help you?"
Guy points to Bluetooth. "I KNOW, I KNOW, THERE'S NO GOOD TIME FOR SOMEONE TO PASS. UH HUH, UH HUH, WELL PRAISE THE LORD THAT SHE WENT WITHOUT A LOT OF PAIN. PRAISE THE LORD. OHHHH THAT'S THE WAY I'D LIKE TO GO! YES, YES, UH HUH, YES, WELL NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT WAS HER TIME, SHE'S STILL SOMEONE'S GRANDMA, AND SOMEONE'S...MOM...YES...OH YES THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A GRANDMA HUG OH HO HO HO HHHHO! YES, WELL WE'LL TALK. I JUST WANT YOU ALL TO GET THE MOST OUT THE FACILITIES, AND MY STAFF. OK, OK GREAT. JUST GREAT."
Stop yelling. Stop yelling about a someone dying.

A certain middle aged lady from the office next door has walked by me three times and not only ignored my "good morning," but also refuses to make eye contact.

Some full grown girl with the voice of a tiiiny child just came in and said "Ok, um, hi, is there an envelope for me here?" There is, but tell your voice you're an adult, because you're creeping me out. Go to iTunes and listen to any Joanna Newsom song. That's what she sounded like.

Overheard from the secretaries at the counter next to me, but it's behind a wall, so they can't see me: "Ok, be honest. Which over the counter hair color brand is best?"

I love it. Old lady talk!

phone conversation

Me: “Right, so you’ll need to email Mandy. Do you have a pen handy?”
Lady (with kids): “Yeah, go ahead.”
Me: “It’s Mandy—m-a-n-d-y, Hong h-o-n-g, @cox.net”
Her: “At what?”
Me: “cox dot net”
Her: “………um………oh c-o-x?”

a dream fulfilled

This week...this week...I can't even say it. Just look.




See those two people standing right of the walkway on the bottom, one in a blue shirt, one in a red?

Those, America, are my parents, and they're holding a sign up for me.

I was greeted from the OF webcam. This is truly one of my finest moments.

Reasons I hate today:

--this CRAZY mom came to visit, and due to a slight miscommunication, flipped out, and complained to the VP about one of our employees, which resulted in me having to leave a meeting to calm her down and apologize, only to have her lecture me.

2--my boss (I know you're out theric) is in KC, but none of us knew that, so we've been lying to people all day about him being in later. I mean, I'll put it on the calendar for you--just tell me.

3--after three requests (threequests), I was told by telecommunications that they don't have time to send me the new employees' long distance codes right now. Hold please...isn't that your job?

4--I had to sit through an hour long "safety training" from campus public safety that included jokes about Holocaust survivors and phrases like "Anyone here ever heard of Virginia Tech?" and "Do you think Public Safety will be there for you if there's a shooter on campus? Probably not," to which I respond, in order: "Yes. I have heard of Virginia Tech. You asking it in that manner is not funny and mildly offensive," and "I cannot believe you are paid."

5--someone called to let us know that someone he referred to the Naz will NOT be applying because her paid-by-Admissions student tour guide told her we "weren't really religious here" here and advised students to "sneak out and drink margaritas in OB." This 100% did not happen. I mean, there is literally 0% of a chance that this could possibly happen.

6--I opened up a pack of Gobstoppers, and they weren't as good as I remembered them being when I was a kid.

7--our Marketing, who is very generally on the ball, is OFF the ball today, and has sent me three proofs with big time problems. I get that the copywriter is on mom-ternity leave, but that doesn't mean that you can just get away with not writing new copy, or not having someone look over the copy.

7--I just realized that I actually lost the first speeding ticket I've ever received (last month) and have no idea what to do about that.

8--I now have to stay lateRRRR than I was already going to, because I took 8 minutes to write this.


But it was worth it, as this and the cupcake that Debi brought me were the best parts of the whole day.

Oh yeah...just because I only had one post in July.

I felt like I needed to post four times in one day because I only posted once in the whole month of July...mostly because I was gone for most of it.

Here's what I've been meaning to say: I am SO MAD when I hear a great new song by a band I actually really like, then find out it's from the damn Twilight soundtrack.

I HATE IT IN CAPS!!!!!!!!

I feel like bands and musicians and whoever picks that music for the soundtrack is betraying being awesome by being at all connected to Twilight. And don't try to tell me it's be being a music snob--sell out to any other movie. Score The Squeakuel, for goodness sake. Just not Twilight.

Shan Diego

It's official...I have now lived in San Diego longer than I've lived anywhere else. This is a big deal, because I'm of the (correct) opinion that you can't say that you're from somewhere until you've lived there for the majority of your life.

Boom.
Roasted.

Shan Diego for life (my new tattoo in Hebrew...it's so beautiful).

If I could marry a girl...

...which I now can, in my home state (more on that soon) of California, it would be this girl. But I'd also have to be gay, which I'm not. But if I were...if I were...look out.

What??

So when it comes to “favorites,” I’m generally like a child—whatever I love now is my CAN’T-GET-ENOUGH-EVER-FAVORITE!!!! thing. However, there have been some favorites that have been unwaveringly on my list for so long that they’ve built up enough credibility to be considered Actual Favorites, as opposed to Now Favorites.
I know…complicated. I wouldn’t say that I’m high maintenance…just unusual maintenance.
But those Actual Favorites are things that I have, from moment one, loved, and have never NOT loved. Mint chocolate chip ice cream is one, the color black is another—I’m pretty sure nothing will ever top these Actual Favorites. And as far as music is concerned, Imogen Heap is, unquestionably, an Actual Favorite. Since I was first introduced to her (small, totally unprofessional shout out to my mix-tape friend, Britton Dennis), I have LOVED her. I immediately purchased anything that she’d ever released, and have kept up with any and everything she puts out there, including several really weird compilations and movie soundtracks. Seeing her live has been a life’s goal since I learned she existed in the early 2000s, so when I saw her on the Coachella 2010 roster, I almost died. Not really, but you get it. And after seeing her there and hearing she was coming to San Diego, I did die. Again…you get it…but it’s not really right to talk about her without extreme hyperbole.
Some words on the venue: Humphrey’s is an outdoor, seating-only venue. I generally prefer stand-as-close-to-the-stage-as-possible scenes, but somehow, it worked. The venue is beautiful—right on the Bay, extremely well-kempt (is that redundant?), and, especially for an outdoor venue in the middle of a community, has excellent sound quality. I would go there again any day. They also have a nice, grassy, behind-the-seats area that’s perfect for dancing like a crazy person when your favorite song is played, at least until security (very nicely) asks you to sit back down (another unprofessional shout out to my friend Mary Rath, who didn’t let me crazily dance alone).
Some words on the set list: here’s something I haven’t seen before—Imogen (do you like how I refer to her on a first name basis, like we’re friends?) let her fans pick the set list by voting on her website. Everything I voted for was played in her more-than-20-song set. Thanks, Imogen. And the list included songs from her new album, some old favorites, and even a song from her former collaboration, Frou Frou. But that fact alone set the tone for the whole show, which was even more personal and intimate than many smaller shows I’ve been to.
Some words on how personal and intimate it was: Before her even started her set, she personally introduced her opening acts. In addition to her set list being fan-shaped and representative of her whole career, she took time to connect the audience to each song. We learned about “Bad Body Double” being inspired by a look in the mirror. She split up the audience and had us sing her background vocals in “Just For Now.” She even called out to the audience for a musical phrase (which, weirdly enough, turned out to be, in true 70s porn style, “bow chick a bow wow”. And I thought I had the most Mai Tais...just kidding.), around which she shaped a just-for-us-in-San-Diego song, that she actually released on her website, which you can purchase to benefit the San Diego Zoo. She was extremely audience-friendly, and interactive, and when it’s just one person on stage, it makes it even more meaningful.
Some words on the quality of performance: Unreal. Amazing. Memorable. Beautiful. The best. There aren’t enough words.
Some words on the music: She played every one of my most-playeds, which was amazing for me. She played them alone, which was amazing for the world. She rocks so many instruments (keytar!), so many weird things (including the tree, which made an appearance at Coachella, and something that, were I more musically trained, I would know, but looked like a plastic snake that she just swung around and that sounded like a loud hum), and loops them all so well…I could’ve been listening to a studio track. But it was live, which made it all the more (I’ll say it again) amazing.
One thing that was annoying: all those people yelling “Play Hide and Seek!!!!” It’s not like she’s NOT going to play Hide and Seek. Come on. Give her a moment to get to it.
Some words on how I feel about Imogen Heap: I LOVE HER. I want to be friends with her. I feel like we’d get along really well, and could maybe share cute tops and appetizers at restaurants. Also, her music is inspired, and being in the presence of her creating it life was something I will never forget. If I ever quit my 9-5, I’m taking a year to follow her everywhere (on tour…not in a creepy way. Or was the appetizer thing already too much?).

Steve Earle's wife

...but don't tell her I called her that.

As a lifelong, self proclaimed “Country Music Disliker” (couldn’t go as far as to say “hater”…I mean, who doesn’t love Garth Brooks a little bit?), I have generally avoided the genre. There are no country stations on my car presets, I haven’t ever been to a country concert, and I can’t remember the last full country music album I purchased (when was The Hits: Garth Brooks released??). But Allison Moorer showed me what I was missing by ruling out anything with “country” in the genre field on iTunes.
I mean, she didn’t actually call me up and say “Be more open minded, ass!”, but she may as well have.
Allison Moorer’s newest album, Crows, may be classified as “country,” but I’m classifying it as “amazing.” I’m typically a music first, lyrics later person, and it’s easy to fall in love with this album on sound alone. Other reviews have called Moorer’s style “haunting,” and I can’t, despite my time in the thesaurus, come up with a more appropriate word to describe the feel of the album. Crows has a haunted, almost afflicted feel to it—when you listen, you feel like you need to listen harder, or more intently somehow, to be sure you can take it all in. Her sound is full and at times, pleasantly complex. This is an excellent nighttime road trip album, but wouldn’t be the best “listen to in your cubical” album. The melodies take some unexpected turns, which keep you interested, and listening to it at any muted volume isn’t going to do it justice.
But although she won me over with the music, her lyrics aren’t to be ignored. Moorer is tricky—for example, “Broken Girl” has a free, happy, summer sound, but the lyrics are serious business. “Storms gather in her head sometimes/all the sun is pushed aside/by the clouds that creep into her mind… ”…Moorer communicates (beautifully) the struggle of a tormented girl who does her best to seem peppy and upbeat.
The album has many of these moments where you feel like you’ve uncovered a little secret. “Should I be Concerned” sounds just bluesy enough that it could be a number one single from Alicia Keys. “When You Wake Up Feeling Bad” has the makings of an excellent sing-along-in-the car song, and has those lyrics that will make every listener think “Mmhmm…I know that feeling,” (or something like that…I may be the only one who actually thinks in terms of “Mmhmm” and “Nuh uh”.) I’m hesitant to even name a favorite, as each track has “favorite” potential—even “The Stars and I,” which has a little more twang than I’m generally comfortable with.
So overall, thank you, Allison Moorer, for showing me that “country” is more than twang, boots and leaving your lover down in Texas. I thoroughly enjoyed this album—several tracks are already making their way up my Top 25 Most Played playlist. It’s a must have!

Although I should actually be doing the 11 hours of work I have to do today, I needed to say...

...that I thought my phone buzzed with a text message last night, but it was really just my stomach growling.

Today.

I hate meetings, but I have so many, and I have to go to them. It's my jobligation.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Advertise Rules I Just Came Up With

So my workplace has an Advertise email list.

It's not complicated...it's just like a company Craigslist--people post things they need or are selling, and we all get an email about it. In the last 20 seconds, I've come up with these rules for the Advertise list. I only highlight the time it took me to come up with these because I cannot understand why our actual place of employment hasn't also come up with, and enforced these rules.

Rule 1--If you have a bunch of stuff to sell, put it in one email.

In four days, I received separate Advertise emails (all giant, because they had separate photos) from the same person selling the following items:

-Marantz AV Pre-Tuner AV 9000
-Shaker cup
-DECORATIVE BOWL
-STAINLESS STEEL MIXING BOWL
-CERAMIC HEART DISHES
-PAMPERED CHEF PASTRY CUTTER & KITCHEN SHEERS
-CAKE DECORATING SET
-GLASS LEMONADE PITCHER
-CERAMIC SHELL BOWLS
-PLASTIC FOOD STORAGE SYSTEM
-BLENDER BOTTLE
-CERAMIC SHELL BOWLS (a second time)
-PLASTIC FOOD STORAGE SYSTEM
-4 SLICE TOASTER

First of all, why do you have so many ceramic bowls? Second, stop inconsistently using caps. Third, if you REALLY feel like people are going to buy this stuff from you, just put it in ONE EMAIL so I don't have to hear that "email alert noise" a hundred times, and my mailbox fills up more slowly. And finally, what the hell is a Marantz AV Pre-Tuner AV 9000?

2--Only send one email a week.

This rule is just to further emphasize how annoying the above situation has been.

3--If you're not selling something, or looking to purchase something, don't put it up on Advertise.

Using Advertise to try to get us to sign your petition to keep televangelists on the air is totally inappropriate. This happened a couple of weeks ago. Also, there's no law on the books to take televangelists OFF the air...that was a joke email started just to piss people off.

Another example: this is the subject line of an Advertise email that went out once: (can you use two colons in one sentence??)
"Subject: Help eval. Stamps/This is NOT an ad"

If this is NOT an ad, AND you feel the need to tell me that in CAPS, DON'T put it on ADvertise.

4--If you're going to sell something, just sell it. Don't tell me why selling it makes you so awesome.

"Subject: Private clothing sale

I've lost a bit of weight, and as a result have several wardrobes of
clothing - nice work and casual pieces - that I would love to sell to
help fund the purchase of smaller sized clothes. :)

Very reasonable prices - most items are $3-$5. And I've got bags of
clothing in sizes 12/14, 16/XL, 18/1X, 20/2x and 22/3X.

It's worked really well to set appointments for individuals to go
through the clothing in their sizes - which allows time to sort through
and try on before purchasing. And I have a box of "freebies" that I'll
allow each paying customer to go through!

Please let me know if you're interested in setting an appointment."

I went ahead and re-worded this email, so it says what she meant it to say.

"Going though tough times? Putting on a few extra pounds?
Are you fat? Well I'm not! If anyone out there is interested in clothes I used to wear when I was fat, call me! And not only will you feel bad for having to acknowledge that you're fatter than I am, you also have to rifle through trash bags, then pay me for the clothes! In fact, let's be sure that we do these appointments one-on-one, so we can both think about how I'm thin and you're not, but not say anything out loud. And, to add insult to injury, I'm going to use your money to buy clothes for myself that you would never fit into. Blessings!"

5--Don't creep me out on Advertise.
This rule could also be entitled "Your own inside jokes and lingo don't make sense to anyone on Advertise, unless your husband is on Advertise, and if so, just tell him when you guys get home tonight rather than sending out an Advertise email."

Sometimes, we get Advertise emails like this (and I don't mean "like this" as thought I made this up, based on reality. I mean "like this" like "this is an exact email I received."):

"We are looking for a lost pillow. It is ben's lovey. We think he may have dropped
it from daddy's shop to the car. It is yellow and has the words "zonk city" on one side and snoopy and Linus on the other. This is his beloved bubo. If anyone has seen, please let us know."

That was the whole email, besides the sender's name, which I have removed. WHAT THE HELL.

Rule 6--It's PLNU Advertise, America. Let's not be so demanding.

"Subject: FW: For Sale - New Blue Mirrored Lenses Aviator Sunglasses

FOR SALE –

NEW AVIATOR sunglasses – BLUE mirrored lenses, BLACK frame
Style is too masculine for me.

Today only, as I start my vacation on Monday. Stop by if you want to see them.

$7.99 (cash only)"

Come on. Today only, stop by, cash only...and I KNOW you're not going to give me my 1 cent back in change. Come on.

Rule 7--Advertise isn't the place to be creative, or political, or super weird.

This one came from a secretary who has been collecting Beanie Babies for Iraqi children.

"Hi Everyone!
Another mystery teddy bear showed up . . . thank you so much.
I will be sure to send it in the next box.

I see it like this:

The Love Formula

1 Iraqi Child + 1 Beanie Baby = 1 less future terrorist

I pray.

Thanks again.
Blessings,"

Yikes.

And thanks for the three separate sign offs.

Rule 8--If you don't understand spelling, grammar, or sentence structure, don't email a bunch of people at a university.

"Subject: Are you hungry? Want free food?
The Edge Luncheon is next Wednesday, April 9.

Are you involved in ministry, do you want to go into ministry. Do you have a calling and not sure what area of ministry yet. This luncheon is for you. Its Free! Wednesday, April 9 at 11:00am-1:00PM in the Fermanian Conference Room. We will be having Hectors burritos. (If you have class come after, or between I don't care just come eat a big ole' burrito.)"

Dear sender of this email,

-You seemed to get the question mark in the subject--what happened in the body of the email?
-The possessive "it's" vs. "its" can be challenging, but we grown-ups really need to be on it.
-There's really no excuse for the unnecessary capitals, but you're not the only one, so I'll Let this one Slide.
-Really? Burritos made out of a bunch of people named Hector? Oh, you mean burritos FROM Hector!! That damn possessive...gets you every time!!
-The last sentence run-on/improper comma use/attempt to use the slang for "old" but by adding the apostrophe that you REALLY needed earlier you actually turned it into "ole'," like a Torero (thank you, USD) would say, hurts my eyes. Stop it.

Love,
Shannon

See? 20 seconds and Advertise is totally fixed. You're all welcome.

Also, addendum: this post is a tribute to Buddy. Thanks for the inspiration. You're a real buddy.

ALSO IMPORTANT TODAY:

Two posts in one day, and the second one is to tell you this:

I have found myself, multiple times each week, in sheer torture from having to pee SO BADLY, but just not wanting to get up and actually go to the bathroom.

That's stupid.

More than one to make up for my absense:

This one is called "A tiiiiiiiiny bear!"



And this one, I call "Do you think that guy is vomiting?"

The World Cup...

...is totally worth it, if only so I can make "balls" jokes all the time.

Not at work though, because that's inappropriate.

Forever stamps.

Who decided that the damn Liberty Bell was what we wanted to look at FOREVER? Every time I send anything but a bill (which I haven't actually mailed in 15 years), I feel like the Forever Stamp just ruins the whole thing.
I wish I'd been in the loop on this...Forever Stamps would have a picture of a tiiiiny puppy with a bunch of flowers in his mouth, and it would look like he's smiling, but you aren't sure it's a smile...it may be a growl...but it's still so cute...partially because of that mystery.

So The Tallest Man on Earth isn’t super tall.

How many times a day do you think he hears that? But it’s cool…some jokes are overused because they’re funny every time (this actually might NOT be one of those times, but I’m going to stick with it).

I spend last evening at UCSD’s The Loft, checking out The Tallest Man on Earth. I showed up a little late in hopes that I might miss some of the opener—some band called Nurses who I hadn’t heard of—but I managed to time it just wrong, and found my spot right as the lights went down for Nurses.

Pause for a moment here to comment on the venue. I haven’t ever been to The Loft, and most definitely would never have been to The Loft, had it not been for an exceptionally kind UCSD lab assistant who found me wandering around the poorly lit campus and showed me where to go. Dear UCSD: Please expend some of your newly increased student fees on ANY semblance of signage. Love, someone who gets lost in her own neighborhood. So I did eventually get there, and was surprised. It SEEMS like a cool venue—a beer and wine bar, a boothy-couchy seating area, a few tall tables, a good sized standing area and a short stage—but it’s tricky. If you sit at all, you can’t see anything. People talking at the bar may as well be talking on stage—the sound really carries. The stage is just short enough that it’s REAL hard to see the performers if there are tall people up front (and somehow, there ALWAYS are). And it’s on a UC campus, so many of the attendees were college students. At one point, I was behind two sets of college dates, the girls of which clearly knew the music, and the boys of which were talking about the only other concerts they’d to—Kenny Chesney and Jimmy Buffett. Awesome (not at all awesome).

So all of that to say that if you ever make it to The Loft (not a given, because you might end up in the Biology department, or some forest, like I did), be ready for a younger crowd, and be there earlier if you care to see.

But back to what actually matters. So Nurses came out onto stage, and to be honest, I didn’t even bother standing up. It took me about forty seconds into their first song to stand and move up. I don’t even know how to aptly describe them in relation to other music—they’re sort of like a sadder, more serious Vampire Weekend. The lead singer has a similar “I’m young and love life and music and drinking and don’t have a lot to worry about” tone, and made good use of the harpsichord setting on the keyboards…maybe that’s why I thought of Vampire Weekend. But really—take note of these guys—they blew me away! For three people (one of whom was just on percussion), they have a really full, polished sound that will make you stop to listen. And they had these moments of harmonic brilliance that makes me wonder if they’re related. Side note—I just tried to Google them to see if they actually are related, and I got about two million website about nurses…the life saving kind. Different. Anyway. They’re probably not related (but the two front guys do have equally impressive beards), but their tones blend so well—you’ll be impressed. Go buy their album immediately. I was sad to see their set end, and already sent them a pseudo-creepy fan email.

I’m having a hard time figuring out how to write the rest of this, because The Tallest Man’s set evoked two completely opposite reactions that I don’t think I can weave appropriately here. Ok…I’ve decided—first, the music, second, everything else.

So The Tallest Man was all I hoped he’d be. The set list was impressive—a great blend of stuff from the new album (The Wild Hunt—a HUGE winner) and old favorites. His voice is so weirdly harshly-gruff-Bob-Dylan-but-more-accurate that you can’t help but pay complete attention to whatever he’s doing. It was only him on his several guitars, but from time to time, I had to jump up (damn tall guys) to be sure he didn’t have six arms, because I swear there were three separate guitar lines going at once. And he performs like his album—mellow, but still intense, and just overall good. His sad songs were somehow much sadder in person, his mad songs were much madder and his happy songs (…well…he doesn’t really have HAPPY songs, but you know what I mean) were energy-inspiring. There was something about seeing him actually say the words that he wrote that made them mean something more, and that’s saying a lot coming from me, a music-first-lyrics-second-or-maybe-third person. And at one point, I think he played Sade. The music part of the show left me energetic, happy and totally content.

The REST of the show left me drained, annoyed and way over everything.

Something was up with the sound. So I know the sound guy always gets crap, but really, the feedback was almost unbearable at times. The Tallest Man handled it like a champ, though, and played through it as though he didn’t notice it most of the time, while making his own adjustments on stage. But the WORST part was the audience. I left feeling like I needed to apologize to him for all of the following people:

-The Clapper. Not only did this guy clap through EVERY SONG, he often clapped off beat (so maybe not OFF beat, but on the one/three, which is just as bad), which was so unbelievably annoying that I almost cried blood, AND he continued to clap even when The Tallest Man came over to him during a song and said “Hey, this is actually a pretty sad song…” Liking the music so much that you want to clap: okay. Being the only one clapping in the entire venue: nokay. Continuing to clap when the band actually asks you to stop: NOkay.

-The Talkers. There were many. I don’t care if this is a date, or if this is your first concert, or fill in the blank. When the band has to say “This is a quiet one…so you all have to be quiet to hear it…” stop talking. Seriously.

-The Skinny Jeans. Just kidding…that would mean I hated everyone there.

-The Only Girl In The World Who Knows How To Appreciate Music. This girl started off the show sitting on the end of the stage and sit-dancing (to The Tallest Man on Earth…???), which evoked more than one awkward side glance from The Tallest Man as he performed, and at one point, was texting so obviously that he just walked over to her on the stage and just stared at her. She then came back to her friend, who was happily enjoying the show from the crowd, and proceeded to pull and push her (physically), and verbally cajole her by saying “It’s not the same here [three people back, mind you]…you can’t really appreciate it until you’re up there!” until she also went up to the stage to sit, displacing other people the whole way. Then at one point, she actually stood up on the stage and danced. At this point, The Tallest Man said “Sit down…this is really more of a sit down song.” Awkward. Go experience your first beer somewhere else, girl.

-The Awkward Fill-The-Silence Talker. So The Tallest Man wasn’t super talkative. Turns out, this is his show, so he can say or not say whatever he wants, right? Not okay, apparently, for this one guy. Every time The Tallest Man was trading guitars or tuning or taking a moment to adjust, this guy yelled out things like “Hey how are you?,” or “Yeah, play this song!,” or my personal favorite, “What’s better, San Diego or Switzerland?” At that point, The Tallest Man, who had just ignored him at this point, looked up and said “You know, I don’t really think about those things when I’m tuning.” At least this guy took the hint…that was his last comment.

So overall: Nurses was a complete success. Go tell all your friends about them, and pretend like you discovered them if you want, because your music cred will skyrocket. The Loft is a weird venue, and I may never go there again. I forget, sometimes, that an audience can ALMOST make or break an entire show, but…The Tallest Man on Earth is unbelievably talented, and I loved to see that his personality totally matches his voice—a little gruff, a little cantankerous, a lot of depth. I’ll remember him WAY more than the annoying people in skinny jeans.

Hoe-chella

That was me...putting the hoe back in Coachella.

Come on...not really. That doesn't even make sense.

But I did want to actually write about it, in case I forget someday or something, so my children's children's children will think I'm a bad ass!

Coachella…always legendary…always memorable…always for different reasons.

This year was my fourth at Coachella, and it was notably the-same-but-not-at-all-the same for one main reason: it was so, so packed. The festival is always busy, but this year, with the removal of the one day pass (which meant that every attendee had to purchase the full three day pass) AND the increase of venue capacity, Coachella was just too busy. I write that half wondering if I’m mad about it just because I’m not a cool 22 year old anymore, but the general tone of whoever I spoke with there was the same—great line up, great venue—even great weather this year—just too crowded. It’s just not as fun when you have to be in a tent two acts before your favorite just to get close to the stage.

But that being said, the line up this year was just unreal, so overall, it was still overall, great.

I bought the three day pass because of the quality of the performers, but I was really sent over the edge by Frightened Rabbit, my fav-of-the-moment band. Unfortunately, they, as well as several other bands, had to cancel because they couldn’t get out of their home countries because of that damn volcano, so that was a downer.

But again…I don’t know why I keep focusing on things that weren’t great, because there was a lot of great out there.

So after I knew Frightened Rabbit was out, I was most excited about Imogen Heap, then Miike Snow. Both were unreal. I’ve been waiting for Imogen to come to the west coast for about 7 years, and she was 100% amazing—she was totally by herself, and played some acoustic on piano, but looped a lot with wrist mics (what?? yep.), so she’d play a little key-tar, then a little percussion, then ding some brass things hanging from this tree that she brought on stage, and loop it all for these amazing songs that sounded like a full orchestra was with her, but it was just her. Wild. Love. Imogen closed with her biggest hit, Hide and Seek, and her key-tar-synthesizer stopped working in the middle of the song, so she swung it back over her shoulder, and proceeded to finish the song on the piano without skipping a beat…but still wearing the key-tar. This was also memorable because these two college girls (no offense to college girls, but REALLY?) kept saying “Dear Sister,” like the SNL skit that uses the song, then laughing hysterically, and I wanted to hit them both right in the mouth. It’s not even your joke, college girls.

Miike Snow was also a delight. There’s something special about seeing a band or artist when they only have one album out--you know they’re going to play your favorites, and you know they’re going to be so excited. Miike Snow was no disappointment. His whole group came out with super creepy white masks (that they eventually took off). It made their peppy dance music sort of weird and eerie. But I loved it. And I really loved it when they took them off.

The other highlights throughout the event were…
-Jay Z. Obviously, right? He managed to play like 90% of his #1s in his set, and then Beyonce showed up to sing. Oh, and there were fireworks. Come on.
-Thom Yorke. He brought his super group with him, and managed to play their songs and Radiohead hits with the PERFECT balance of “outdoor festival acoustic” and “crazy thousands of people festival rock.”
-Passion Pit. It was just a huge dance party. Nothing but great about that.
-MGMT. Although I’m not super stoked that they’re acting too cool for school these days, their set was great. Especially the older songs. Sorry, MGMT…the last album is just better than this one.
-Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. This was another band that we caught at the beginning of the hype, so they were really excited, really fun and really quality. They deserved to be on the big stage, with their energy and sound.
-Florence and the Machines. Oh wait, we couldn’t actually hear her at all, because she was in a tiiiny tent, when she should have been outdoors on a stage. Thanks for nothing, Coachella and the 2 million attendees.
-Matt and Kim. These guys were a really pleasant surprise for me—I love their singles, but they were great overall. And seriously—the whole band is a guy named Matt and a girl named Kim. I love that. They, unlike a lot of performers, talked to the crowd a lot too, which I loved.
-Vampire Weekend. I saw them when they were brand new at Coachella a few years ago, and it was so great to see that they’re largely still the same—still look like prep school guys, still sing with pizzazz, and still rock their crowd-pleasers. Excellent set.
-Pretty Lights. Again, a dance party, but it was mostly notable because a guy in a full Jesus costume was walking around and dancing.
-Julian Casablancas. This was another guy who I’d really only heard his singles, and I ended up staying for his whole set. He was so great—really talented, really personable. I bought his album on my phone while listening to him.
-Muse. Oh yeah…Muse is three guys. What??? They’re a band that I listen to, I think “These guys are something big…I need to listen to them more,” then I forget, then I listen to them again, six months later, then I realize how much I like them, then I forget… Never again though. The whole band was amazing, the set was amazing, the show was amazing, and I would put the lead singer’s vocals on par with any classical or Broadway or ANY singer—he was SO dynamic, SO accurate and overall amazing. Their whole set was so great. And it’s THREE GUYS. I thought it was like 40.
-Owen Pallett. Watch out for this guy…he’s going to be big someday. Sooner rather than later, I think. He’s this year’s Andrew Bird—plays his own stuff, loops a lot, and is a whiz on the violin. He was great “lay in the sun and just listen” music.
I could go on, but it might be too much.

So all in all, amazing music this year, I really missed Frightened Rabbit, and there were WAY too many people, which automatically meant that there were WAY too many people wearing headdresses, unflattering bathing suits and body paint.

Oh, also, I think we were watching Passion Pit, or MGMT, or some band that was a little dancy, and there was this group of guys in boxer briefs (only) dancing and doing squats over and over and over. I will never be able to forget that…even if I wanted to.

Shining Moments...El 5th

Finally, right? Not really...Chad turned this little guy around pretty quickly. Chad and Shannon...superCHAAAARgers!!
Chad is leaving this place soon, but if he is no longer around to film and edit these, I will be forever changed...FOR THE WORSE.

I had to add a password to this thing, since I got REAL nervous that it was being spread to sketchy people via friends of friends on Facebook, but I trust you people not to get me arrested. The password is pslam.

Shining Moments, el 5 from Shannon Hutchison on Vimeo.

Why I am staying in my office, alone, all day

So it's partially because I have a crapload of work today, but it's also LARGELY because the top I'm wearing is completely see-through.

I got home at 230 this morning from Coachella, and to sleep at 330, got dressed in a daze this morning, and wore a new top that I didn't "test out."

It's 100% see through.

So awkward. I've been walking around in a sweater and with my arms folded all morning.

Get me out of here!

Eric Groves, I hope you're reading this.

Boss Eric--

Here is why I hate calling admitted students.

A mom: "You guys were like calling all the time a while ago, and now when I want you to, no one is calling."

Lady. I'm calling you right now. We are speaking on the phone RIGHT.NOW.

A dad: "No he's not here."
Me: "Oh, no worries. Can I leave my number for him to call?"
Dad: "Um, well, I don't have a pencil here...could you just call his cell phone?"
Me: "Oh sure!"
Dad: "You know, I don't remember that number either...could you call back on Friday, after 7 p.m.?"

No. No I cannot. Also, I am about 98% sure he was just sitting on the couch during this whole conversation.

A student has hung up on me.

I had to tell two students, because they were SO AWKWARDLY hesitant, that they weren't going to offend me if they've chosen another school, which they both admitted they had, but never would have, had I not basically begged them to tell me (so I don't have to call them anymore).

And I had one mom tell me that "this is really a family decision...so..." I know. I'm not trying to butt into your decision making process, lady. I'm just trying to help.

OR...

I'm just trying to do what Eric tells me to, because he's my boss, and he is always very nice to me, so I should probably do this for him.

But for the record, I hate it!!! I'm taking my ring OFF of it.

Devastating news

I think I may be the only one who is devastated about things like this, but here it is:

Although I was able to free up so much space by moving my music library to an external hard drive, I have officially lost all of my play counts.

Sigh.

So now I have to rebuild my Top 25 Most Played.

But the silver lining...that pesky Miley Cyrus song that's been in that playlist for about two years is gone too, so I don't have to defend myself every time someone looks at my iPod.

My least favorite people in the world

I go back and forth on this one a lot, because I really, really have a problem with entitled people (at least 50% of the students/parents I work with..."Um ,do you know how much money I am about to pay to go to your school? I believe you owe me one hundred free lunches." or "Uhhh I did pretty well on my homework for a couple years and I am extremely popular. I deserve that $10000 scholarship more than anyone else ever!"), but I think I am ready to proclaim that even above the entitled...

...my least favorite people in the world are music snobs.

Hold please--my coworker (yes, working on a Saturday, because the entitled 17 year olds go to school AND play soccer so they CAN'T be expected to visit us on a weekday)just IMed me from literally as far away in this office as he can be from me and asked if I was writing a novel because he can hear me typing. I am, apparently, an overwhelmingly loud typist. When my college roommate's dad would call her in our dorm, he would ask her to step out of the room sometimes because my typing was so loud.

What can you even DO about that? I type with fervor. I don't even know how to help it. I mean, if I don't get this stuff out in a hurry, I might forget it, you know?

So.

My least favorite people in the world are music snobs.

And I have a very specific person (not like ONE person, like your mom, like one type of person) in mind. I am not talking about people who are always into new music, or who appreciate new bands, or who go to concerts in small venues. I love those people (intimately). I'm talking about people who like new music UNLESS it gets popular, and who only like bands that they discover themselves, and who dislike music you share with them because "I can't put my finger on it...it's just not...I don't know...it's so...it feels...", and who label things "mainstream," and...you get this idea.

Here are the several problems I have with music snobs:

#1--Apparently you hate musicians, because you don't want them to make a living with their craft.

Listen, music snobs. I just can't imagine that many musicians (and I only add the caveat in light of MGMT's recent comments about how they don't want to be THAT famous, which I still hold that they only said because they ARE that famous, and have enough money to be fine for life, so they are trying to reach you people again, you music snobs) go into the biz thinking "I really hope I reach tens of tens of people, and that I spend the rest of my life playing super small venues where a lot of people are doing homework at the tables in the back with their headphones in, and that people are never able to buy my music on iTunes." I'm sure there are many that also don't want to play the Thunder Dome (wait--is that a sports arena or something made up from a movie? I was going for some sort of sports arena.) either. I'm not saying everyone wants to be U2. But I AM saying that musicians who play music as livelihood hope to actually be able to LIVE because of it. I don't think many of them want to hang on to their side job serving you gin and tonics at that bar down the street.
And just because a producer happens to approach them and say "I, like all these music snobs, also think you're really good, so how about we produce your album?" does NOT mean they've "sold out," you a-holes. This is what they set out to do.

ERGO (can't say that word enough, ever)

Why are you wishing them ill? Let some college kids get into their music too, and be happy about it, because it means they'll be able to play in your town more often.

#2--That song you like is still the same song, even if you happen to hear it on the radio.

Listen, music snobs. If you're sooo into this amaaaazing new song by this suuuuper underground band because it's soooo groundbreaking and reaaaally speaks to you, you should still like it, and it's hypocritical to all of the sudden hate it when you hear it over the sound system in Urban Outfitter.

"Hey Gina, how does this skirt look on me? Wait, isn't this that band you played for me in the car last month?"
"Whaaa...oh yeah, weird, it totally is. But I don't really listen to them anymore...they totally sold out...I'm pretty over the stuff now."
"Oh, that's weird, because...isn't this the exact song you played for me? Remember...you teared up a little...? The cd is still in your car?"
"Yeah, well, I just keep it there because I am going to Goodwill later, because I never really liked them that much...and stuff..."

Does anyone even buy cds and keep them in their car anymore?

But that's not the point. The point is: that's BS, music snobs. I get that you might be tired of a song that you over-listen, but it doesn't somehow lose its what-you-just-called-inherent-quality because some cool music buyer for a store picked up on it too.

#3--Music doesn't have to be groundbreakingly innovative to be good.

Listen, music snobs. Just because this guy sort of sounds like Peter Gabriel or that band clearly gets inspiration from The Cure doesn't mean they're not good! Don't you also like Peter Gabriel and The Cure?? So why would you hate someone inspired by them? If The Cure is good, a band that sounds like The Cure can also be good. It's science.

I think the thing that gets me the most here is the inherent performative contradiction that pops up with maaaany true music snobs. If you only shop in thrift stores, and only wear vintage clothes, and hate the kids of today's trends because they're "stupid and new," and want to look as much like a girl from the Fab Forties as possible, why do you hate music that has any ties to old music? Wouldn't it follow that you only like music that represents that same "I only like old things because they're old and cool and I'm awesome because of it" way of life?

Would it make more sense to you if I called it "vintage" music?

"Ew, you listen to Owl City? They sound just like the Postal Service. I hate Owl City."
"Don't you love Postal Service?"
"Yeah, totally. They're super innovative and groundbreaking."
"But didn't you say that Owl City sounds just like them?"
"Yeah, but they're not innovative, because Postal Service already did that."
"So you don't like them because they weren't first at it?"
"No...what? No...it's because they're like...totally copiers."
"So anyone who comes after a successful band has to be different than other bands in order to be good?"
"What? I don't know...I mean...like...Postal Service is super innovative..."

It has to be new and innovative to be new and innovative. But it doesn't have to be new and innovative to be good. That's stupid.

#4--Just because it's weird doesn't mean it's quality.

Listen, music snobs. I like overdrive-guitar-with-horns-with-xylophones and Reagan-speeches-through-an-autotuner and screaming-in-German-in-the-middle-of-your-song and no-one-knows-why-but-there-are-three-fat-clowns-dancing-on-stage-with-bloody-hands as much as the next girl (if the next girl thinks it's interesting), but just doing that stuff in a song doesn't mean it's super awesome. Sometimes, it's just weird.

"OMG...did you hear how Reagan was totally autotuned in that song? So awesome and meaningful."
"No, Gina, that was just super weird."

#5--Just because someone listens to Beirut AND Britney does not mean that they have no taste in music.

Listen, music snobs. I listen to Kelly Clarkson dance remixes in my car on long drives. I was that girl who said "YES...someone finally sampled 'Free Falling!!!!'" (don't look it up...you'll just be pissed). I'm definitely that girl on the dance floor in da cluuuub singing AND dancing like an idiot when they play Rihanna. But I also know just about every Fanfarlo song by heart, and sometimes cry a little bit in my car when Bright Eyes comes on, and played the new Frightened Rabbit album on repeat every day the whole first week I had it.

"Ew, you have ABBA on your iPod? I'm not looking at any of the other bands you have, because you have ABBA."
"You're really starting to piss me off, Gina."

#6--Music can still be awesome and worth enjoying, even if you didn't find it on an obscure music blog before anyone else did.

Listen, music snobs. Sometimes, I stumble upon what you would call "good music" too.

I know that you would've found it eventually, and if you did, for some reason you would've liked it more, and I hate that sooo much. I love being the one to find things as much as the next girl (who LOVES IT SO MUCH), but I don't have to be that person to see the value of amazing new music.

If you have to, just pretend that you did find it, and tell all your friends it's from this amazing but super obscure music blog that they don't know about. I don't care. Just open your heart to loving it as though you found it.

And stop making up stupid excuses as to WHY you don't love it. Just own it--if you only love what you find, say so.

"Hey Gina--did you hear the AMAZING new song I emailed to you?"
"What? Oh, yeah, it was pretty good."
"You didn't love it?? Because I LOVED it. And it's so right up your alley!"
"Yeah, I mean, it was good...I just...I mean...it felt...sort of...hmmm...I can't really put my finger on it...just a little...I don't know...contrived...maybe..."
"Wait--what do you mean?"
"I don't know...I just heard it...and I wasn't...like...I didn't...I wasn't like moved...or anything...it was just...I don't even know..."
"So you're saying you wanted to be the one to find it?"
"No no no...it's just...um...well..."

Just say it, Gina.

So I don't like music snobs. Those are my reasons. I might have more later...I can never be sure. I'm always finding new reasons to dislike music snobs. Don't be one.

High school students need to get their isht together when it comes to college

So every year, my colleagues (so profesh over here!) and I get together for what may be my favorite creative project of all time: making fun of high school applicants.

Here's the formula for success: every application season, I send near-harassing emails to my coworkers, asking them to photo copy, cut and paste, email, whatever to keep track of application mistakes (misspellings, improper grammar, funny stuff, whatever), then send them to me. I keep them all in a folder until April, at which point I pick the best ones, divvy them up amongst coworkers, and then we read them out loud in front of a camera. Think Masterpiece Theater.

And we change all the names, so it's not stepping on anyone's toes or rights or anything.

We're filming big number five today, so I thought I'd share the last few glorious years of fun. The first one is still being formatted, which is probably for the best, because 2006 wasn't my best year, as far as hair is concerned, but here are 2007, 08, and 09. My favorite part has been watching how all of our hair has changed. Seriously. Please don't judge my roots in 2007. Unfortunate!

ALMOST more unfortunate (unMOREtunate??) are the thumbnails Vimeo generically assigned to each video. Just furthers my case that I'm less photogenic than your dead hamster. I mentally lose it when I'm alone on camera.

**
I had to add a password to this thing, since I got REAL nervous that it was being spread to sketchy people via friends of friends on Facebook, but I trust you people not to get me arrested. The password is pslam.
**

More Shining Moments in Admissions from Shannon Hutchison on Vimeo.

Shining Moments, Volume 3 from Shannon Hutchison on Vimeo.

Shining Moments, Volume Four from Shannon Hutchison on Vimeo.

don't stop...make it pop...

I hate that I love the song too, but I can't help it, so I don't even try.

But I need to get this out there: Ke$ha is a dude.

That's all.

Don't worry...those guys you went to high school with still go to high school

Oh my way to my meeting this morning, I passed a high school bus stop, and was only happy to see that all of those guys who were in my high school classes are still in school. I saw:

--that 6'2" slightly overweight guy with facial hair, shoulder-length, dirty black hair (inevitably pulled back), wearing a black Slayer t-shirt, camo shorts and old, black Doc Martins and looking really mean,

--that guy with the short blonde hair that's sort of styled, and sort of just there, wearing a bright colored American Eagle polo, dark wash jeans and sandals,

--that tall, skinny guy with long hair who wears all pants, a hat, boots, long sleeves and a coat, all black, no matter how warm it is outside,

--that short, overweight kid with really stiffly spiked hair that's shaved on the sides, who wears glasses, some sort of of mystical t-shirt (usually with an animal and something having to do with astronomy), tapered jeans and really old tennis shoes, and

--that guy who most definitely is not in a gang, but thinks he might get picked up by one if he dresses accordingly (insert your hometown's gang paraphernalia here).

It was almost reassuring.

I am legit.

Screw all of you people who think you’re better than me because I listen to Britney Spears from time to time. Maybe I have the more accomplished taste because I can appreciate her AND Beirut. Think about THAT sometime.

My head [still] hurts [but not as much]

I had to have Cousin check to be sure it had stopped bleeding last night, and she said "Oh you have a little freckle here...oh never mind...that's just dried blood."

Blow dryer related injury...seriously?

My head hurts

So I was blow drying my hair this morning (shout out to all of the fine-haired ladies) bent over and upside down, and when I tried to flip my hair up (another shout out--you know you have to flip it really quickly and powerfully), flipped my head directly up into the corner of the open cabinet door. I immediately hit the floor, holding my head, and laid there for some minutes...not really sure how many...while my blow drier blew hot air into nothing. I eventually got back up, finished blow drying my hair, put everything away and left for work.

A few hours later, after several extra strength Tylenol, when I tried to feel if I still had a knot, I realized that there was a bunch of dried blood in my hair. I went home for lunch with my friend Kate, and found that there were bloody fingerprints all over the cabinet and bathroom door (I think I was too dazed to even notice), and on the floor where I huddled for some minutes. Kate proceeded to clean out my hair, find that the cut was still bleeding, and compress cotton onto the back of my friggin head for like ten minutes while the bleeding stopped.


SO

SICK

And probably the worst part about all of it? I will likely have to take ANOTHER shower today. I already took one, and I have to take another one, because there is blood in my hair.

Damn it.

HERE'S something I love.

Light up rings.
There is NO situation where a light up ring isn’t completely appropriate. I’d wear one in your wedding. They’re funny because they’re so huge, and then, as if that wasn’t hilarious enough, they frigging light up.
You know the ones I’m talking about—you usually bust them out for bachelorette parties, and you typically have to buy them at those creepy sex shops that you have to run into, constantly saying “bachelorette” loudly, so they don’t think you’re there to buy porn. Don’t worry about it, I’m just looking for those hilarious light up rings…nothing sexual about that, right?
Another reason that I like them that I don’t typically tell people—they’re big enough to fit my fingers. I have fat fingers. There’s nothing I can do about it—I’ve tried hand/finger work-outs, but really—-NO results. I’m doomed to be a size eighter. But to you other eight-and-aboves out there, the giant, plastic light up rings are PERFECT.
Anyway, about the rings, I can honestly say that I’ve worn them about everywhere, and am always happy I have it for some reason or another. The other night, I light it up at a concert so the people we were meeting could find us. Another night, I turned it on to light up my door so I could get the key in the damn lock.

Worthsies.

And the comments are also worthsies. It took me a few times out with the light up ring for me to come up with the appropriate response to the inevitable “That’s a big ring.” At first, I said thanks, but you know, I’m not sure that’s meant to be a compliment. It’s more of a truism. So now I just say “And it lights up!” That wins them over every time.

other than DJ Douche...I can't stop listening to this!

Another reason I will inevitably die young (borrowed from my Facebook, with permission)

I opened a card at 2:00 to find that it contained a candy bar, which, clearly, I ate immediately. Someone just asked me why I got it, and I just realized that I had no idea, because I never even pulled out the card. I mean, the card could have said "Dear Shannon, I hate you, so if you eat this, you'll definitely die. Hope you do! Love, Tina" (I don't really know any Tinas) and I would've never known. My thought process was just this: "Oh, a big envelo...CANDY!!!!!!!" And that was it.

finally admitting it

I'm in an abusive relationship





with Long John Silver.


I love it so much when I'm there and eating those chicken planks...but then later, I hate it because I feel like I'm going to vomit it all up...but even through that hate, I feel it calling me, loving me...and I love it too.

Stop cracking your neck around me, because you're not a professional athlete warming up for the big game

So I was coming home from an especially tiring trip the other day, and landed in Vegas at 330 with plans to connect to get home to sunny SD at 5. When I landed, I checked my handy Southwest iPhone app and saw that my connecting flight was delayed until dot dot dot 830 p.m.

That's inappropriate.

I also used said app to find that there were three flights out to San Diego before that 830 flight, so I decided to track down the first one and see if I could get on stand by (because SW is the best and don't charge you to change your flight if your initial flight is delayed).

So we deplaned (still not sure I buy that as a word), I found the right gate for the SD flight out at 430 and hightailed (but somehow I'm okay with THAT as a word) it over to the earlier flight's gate. There, I saw that I was one of about forty (and while we're having parenthetical asides about words, why doesn't forty have the "u" necessary for "four"?) people with the same idea. I was quick about it, so I was number 12 on the list of 42 (just gonna stick with the numbers this time).

The 430 flight was oversold, so not only did no standby passengers get on, three actually ticketed passengers didn't get on either. They got vouchers to give up their seats. It was at this point that I met a new friend. Let's call him Pete (his actual name).

I should preface this with the fact that I was tired, I really wanted to go home, and I'd had a gooooood amount of human interaction of the previous few days, so I was totally content just reading my book for the whole night.

So Pete had been on the first flight, but accepted a voucher to leave a little later, and was stoked about it. He sat down next to me and asked how flying standby worked.

Hmmm?

So I told him that I wasn't actually on a standby ticket...my flight was just delayed, so I was trying to leave early. He asked why I didn't get a voucher?

Hmmm?

So I tried to explain...nevermind...and I said that I was going to head over to the next gate.

I went to the next gate, got in line to be sure I was still on standby (SW also keeps the same standby list for situations like these, which is amazing, so I was still number 12), and guess who pops into line behind me? A stranger who wasn't Pete! Just kidding. Pete. "Fancy seeing you here," he says.

"Not really, because we're both trying to get to San Diego...so...it actually makes a lot of sense..." But I didn't really say that. He was really nice, so I just fake laughed and said something non committal like "Oh ha ha fancy fancy fancy."

Not really like that, actually. Something that made sense.

I sat down with my book, this time in the corner on the floor, and didn't see him again. On that flight (now the second standby), two people from the list got on, making me shiny number 10 now. Also at this point, my initial flight was delayed until nine.

So at about 740, I was now on the standby list for the THIRD flight that was leaving before my delayed flight, and Pete sat down next to me again. He just happened to LOVE who I was reading, so he asked about the book, then talked about how I should try and get a voucher out of all of this. I didn't even try to explain why that wouldn't work. So lucky Pete was boarded on that flight, and somehow, they managed to board nine standby passengers, and then called my name. I was so excited to be on the flight that I didn't even care that I was going to inevitably end up in a middle seat, because I was the last one on board.

So with only one seat open on the entire plane, guess who I sat by?

Two strangers that weren't Pete.

Just kidding.

Pete.

I got my book out, but knew that I wouldn't really even be able to crack it, because he was talking as soon as I sat down. I was in a MUCH better mood, so I didn't mind engaging at that moment, and talked back. He then proceeded to fulfill every white-guy-from-state-school-you-meet-on-a-plane stereotype EVER, including:

--ordering a Heineken
--talking about how he loved (where is it you're from again?) San Diego, and wants to move there,
--loving Family Guy and American Dad and watching them all the time,
--wishing that the girls in his hometown were more quality, cooler, and had more in common with him,
--asking "so what's there to do for fun around where you live?",
--sharing about his love of the gym, and the schedule on which he works out,
--making broad "applies to whichever way you are" statements, like "Yeah, I love to go out with friends, but I'm not, like, a partier.",
--describing his large and impressive home, and
--cracking his neck, loudly, several times.

Awesome.


And it's not that I dislike anyone from state schools...I just wish I knew a one that wasn't all of those things.

Happy to be home. Again.

best.

In talking to a student who, if he's admitted, will be admitted in our provisional program because of his really low SATs:

"Yeah, that makes sense, because I'm borderline special ed anyways."

LOVE.

the other side of the SATs...not dark though...still pretty legit

So I proctored the SATs on Saturday for the second time, and although I was bored for a while, I've decided it's totally worth it. So many entertaining-maybe-only-to-me things happened...I can't even begin to describe.

Just kidding--I totally can. That's what I'm doing here.

So envision with me, if you will...a college campus that's a little complicated to navigate (aren't we all?), where all the buildings look the same, and where they all have lovely large wooden doors. Also, envision a bunch of clouds and rain. That was USD on Saturday.

Now take that campus and insert me, my friend Jimmy, who works at USD, my friend Nick, married to my friend Mindy (this matters later), a couple of other grown ups, and about 15 college students who work for Jimmy. That was the proctor pool at the SATs on Saturday.

NOW that you have all of that solidified...add about 300 super nervous kids, all with big ziplock bags full of pencils, calculators and granola bars, and their overprotective parents.

And that was Saturday.

For those of us who haven't taken an SAT in, I don't know, more than ten years, here's how they worked.
On the walls of the the hall where students walked in, room assignments were posted for SATs and SAT IIs. Once a student knew what test s/he was taking (you'd think they'd all know, because the tests are REALLY, REALLY different), s/he would just look to see where, on the list, their name fell in order to see their room assignment.

Por ejemplo: one sheet said SAT, Room 308, Francisco--Herman. So if you are Ben Francisco, Jackie Herman...hell...even Guadalupe Garner or Ajumbe Hopkins...you're in 308.

Get it?

No worries if you don't...neither did a bunch of 16 and 17 year olds.

Oh, here's something else cool to envision--you enter on the second floor of this building. Floor one is below us, and floor three is above.

So I get there at 7 (amazing!), and as I'm getting out of my car a kid comes running over to me and says "Do you know where Serra Hall is?," to which I reply "Sure--it's to the right. I'm headed that way if you want to come along!" He said "Ok let me tell my dad."

He pops back into an SUV to tell his dad, who zooms off, then comes to follow me. Here's our conversation:
Me: "Are you taking the SAT?"
Him: "Yeah...........are you?"
Me: "No...I did that a little while ago. But it was a good time. Are you excited?"
Him: "Ha ha...sure."
Me: "Have you taken the test before?"
Him: "No...and I'm a senior."
Me: "Awesome. Well good luck, man."

P.S. That is NOT awesome. It's basically too late to get in any college with the January SAT.

And that was just the beginning of the awesomeness. The following things also happened throughout the day:

--I saw a boy with jeans tucked into his Uggs.

--I was a hall proctor, which meant that in between breaks, I was hanging out with Jimmy in the main room. Nick was in a room with a reader, so he checked for cheating in that room, while that girl read the instructions. The girl in his room came into the main room (where I was sitting with Jimmy) to turn in her roster, and I said "Ha--Nick sent me a text saying that it's real boring in there." Apparently, that girl read a LOT into that, because she went back and told Nick he could go to the main room and hang out with his wife if he wanted.
This is the ring I was wearing that day.

Yes, everyone. We are married...he got a platinum band, and I got a big owl ring.

--after explaining repeatedly to EVERY group that came in "Just find where your name falls on the wall and that will send you to your assigned room. We're on the second floor," a mom came up to me in a panic and said "Our name isn't on the wall!!!!!!!!" Really, Gina? You really think we post everyone's name on the wall? You really think only 12 people are taking the SAT today?

--Again, after REPEATEDLY saying "Just find where your name falls on the wall and that will send you to your assigned room. We're on the second floor," at least ten people said "Where are the stairs for the second floor?" Right here, kid. You're on them. They're invisible, and they don't go up or down.

--A mom very confrontationally asked me "So when is the SAT going on the computer? Because it's the last test to be on paper." First of all, no it's not, which I happily told her, and second, I had a handwritten name tag with "SHANNON" written on it in colored Sharpie. Do you really think I speak for CollegeBoard?

--Another mom (see a theme?) came to me, also in a panic, and said "This says his ID has to be the same as his ticket...he signed up as Mark G. Smith, but his ID says Mark GORDON Smith!!!!" Oh noooo identity thefttttt!!!

--A mom (what?) and dad sent their son off, and were still staring at the wall, looking extremely concerned, so I walked over and asked if I could help with anything, and no lie, the mom said (in one breath) "Well I see that there are 7th and 8th graders taking the test today [more on that in a sec] and my son is a freshman and this is his second SAT and he's only scoring in the 700s on each section and I know he can perform better than that so we're signing him up for more so he can get those perfect scores but I'm so worried that colleges will see these first few tests and see those low marks and think that he isn't very smart and that the perfects are just flukes!!!"

**Even though the SATs have added a writing section, each section is still out of 800...soooo scores in the 700s are pretty good...especially for a friggin 13 year old.**

So I tried to console this mom without being incredulous and told her that in my office, we'd view that as motivation, and that it would show that he's a hard worker. I thought she was going to hug me.

--So yes, 7th and 8th graders can now, as a part of a Johns Hopkins program, take the full SAT. They're 11 and 12 years old. COME. ON.

--After everyone had gone to their rooms, IDs checked, kids in seats, a fellow hall proctor came walking in with a disheveled looking girl and said "I found a lost one!" She was looking at the wall, so I asked "Do you know where you're headed?", to which she replied "Uh huh...I'm here for the SAT?" Yeah girl...yeah.

And my favorite...

--If a test site is full when you sign up, you can still sign up to take the test on stand-by--it just means you have to check in, then wait to see if people don't show up, so you can take their spot (was that insulting that I just explained "stand-by"? Sorry about that). About five stand by kids were eventually assigned rooms, but of course, it was after all the other kids were in rooms, so when they came out into the hall with their assignments, it felt like they were late, because the hall was empty, even though all the rooms were waiting for them. That made them more nervous than they already were.
So this one guy had pencils, a calculator, snacks, his ticket and his ID in one hand (most in a bag), and when he was walking, knocked over a Wet Floor sign--one of the triangle-sandwich-board-style ones that sits up, then folds down (was that also insulting?? I just don't want you to think it's one of the cone-pyramid ones!!). He bent down to pick it up, realized that he couldn't open it up to stand it back up, looked around, saw all of us looking at him, laid it back on the ground where it had fallen and ran.

Hilarious.

I'm always doing this!!!