I chose the worst Gmail address possible

Listen, I didn't want to just be FirstLast@gmail.com, because when I was 21, that seemed unnecessarily boring. And EmailShannon@gmail.com was already taken (I am generally two to three years behind others on the technology curve...as seen in my move to Gmail from Juno).

Here is how EVERY CONVERSATION in which I have to provide my email address goes:

Person: And what's your email address?
Me: Yes, it's "email..."
Person: Yes, your email. What is it?
Me: It's actually the word "email..."
Person: Right, we need your email address for your account here.
Me: Yes, I understand. My email address begins with the word "email."
Person: What?
Me: My email address is "e-m-a-i-l-"
Person: Your email address is actually "email?"
Me: That's the first part of it, yes. It's Email The Shannon at gmail dot com.
Person: Um...
Me: Let me just spell it. It's email--e-m-a-i-l--the--t-h-e--
Person: EmailE?
Me: No, THE. T-h-e.
Person: Oh, the.
Me: E-m-a-i-l-t-h-e-s-h-a-n-n-o-n
Person: OH, so it's like email you at gmail dot com.
Me: That was the idea.
Person: Oh, that's cute.
Me: Actually, it's a huge pain in my ass.

I don't really say that part. I just think it.

It finally led me to creating a FirstLast@gmail.com, and just having it forward.




I feel like a sell out every time I say it.

It was almost a very different kind of day.

Third post in one day...yikes...

...and it's because I literally cannot more forward on our two most pertinent projects without a response from IT and the Math Department...and they're being non-responsive at the moment.

I was home for lunch today and laughed out loud at the memory of this event. My brother is rrrreal funny, and likely completely unrelated to that, funny things happen to him often. This was in Roswell, NM, right outside of a WalMart that happens to be in a mall there (?!?).

Stranger: Hey, where can I find printer paper?
Bran: Oh I'm sorry, I don't work here.
Stranger: Like the kind that you just use in a computer printer.
Bran: I'm sorry, sir...I don't know what to tell you...I don't work at WalMart.
Stranger: ...so...in the back?
Bran: Yeah.

This came to me while I was taking out the trash, and I laughed and laughed.

Because I still do this...

name change situation

I don't know if I'll ever be ok with changing my name, because I'm real used to it, but I got an email from a girl named something very close to Allison Draper, and her email address is her first letter of her first name and her last name....

ADraper.

Stop it...at least ask for an exception to your organization's email address formula. At first, I thought "at least go for the first TWO letters of the first..." but then it would be ALDraper...like Ye Auld Raper...blurg. In her shoes, I'd have to go with Allison Great Gal, so my email would be AGreatGal.

Or something like that.

something new

I clicked on a bunch of stuff today, and apparently now I can post from my email, and there’s a mobile version of this blog...just for you to read while on the train or waiting for your STD test or whatever…nbd, nbd. This is actually in an email now…WILL IT POST?

I love this, because it’s making my blog more like Microsoft Word. Thanks, this!

things you've all missed.

I'm back in action! Here are the things you've missed:

1. Cousin and I randomly (really randomly) were given free tickets to see Glee Live. We had this conversation...we actually have this type of conversation often.

Cousin: Hey, so this guy just gave me tickets to see Glee Live...it started about 15 minutes ago.
Me: Seriously? Do you want to go?
Cousin: Do YOU want to go?
Me: Well...I'm home and already in my jams (this was pre-conference, so shut up about it)...but think of the story we'd have...
Cousin: What would future us think about present us in this moment right now?
Me: I'm getting dressed.

In the edit mode of this post, that conversation is indented, but not when I publish it. I don't understand the internet at all. I wish the internet was all Microsoft Word and/or Paint.

Anyway, there are perks to living ten minutes away from everything great. So we used this random guy's tickets and saw half of Glee Live from really good seats. It was all that I actually used to like about Glee when I watched it (the pop music) and none of what I hated so much that I had to stop watching the show (everything else about the show). And I'm always impressed by people who can dance AND sing at the same time.

2. I had to get glasses to wear over my contacts while reading and working on a computer. Fortunately, that's only 97% of what I do. The other 3% involves watching Dateline NBC, going to concerts and walking to and from meals, at which point I don't have to wear them. I blame the conference for this most recent malady, because of all the spreadsheets I just stared at in my office until many midnights. I was going to take a picture of them, but you all know how well I do with alone pictures. Mistake!

3. That conference happened. I've been working on it for two years. I am happy it went well...happy it's over...and slightly mourning the end of having that conference to work on. I love projects.

4. I've developed a potentially unhealthy obsession with Dateline NBC and 48 Hours. I have no idea why. Sometimes, I put one on when I'm going to sleep, and I'll end up watching three of them. THEY'RE REAL STORIES.



I think cousin is embarrassed that this is our DVR right now.

5. I think I'm going to buy this:


6: My fam has been in town, which has been delightful. It has also meant that I haven't eaten at home in more than a week. When I do again, I am excited to make this:



7. Game of Thrones ended--easily my favorite HBO show in years. I can't say enough good things about it...other than I'm SO excited for season 2. It's the least formulaic show ever. Watch it immediately. True Blood is starting this weekend. It's reeeeedic, and I love it.


Get 'em, Lady S.

8. My office is going to Chuck-e-Cheese lunch today to have a skee ball competition. You'd think it would be weird to be those adults at Chuck-e-Cheese without kids...and you'd be right. Especially when in business attire. But I have SEVEN!THOUSAND!TICKETS!!!!!

9. I ordered a bathing suit online, because J Crew didn't carry it in stores (why are there still catalogs?) and it was a redic amount of money. It arrived...it didn't fit right...and I was actually happy it didn't fit right.

What? Why did you order it in the first place if you were just going to hope it didn't fit?

I have no idea. I have a shopping problem, I think. If I hadn't ensured that I didn't like it, I would forever dream of the perfect bathing suit that I never tried on, and would mentally compare every other bathing suit I'd get in my lifetime to what I envisioned that suit would look like (perfect), and no suit would ever compare. So the fact that I ordered it and didn't like it freed me from a lifetime of malcontent. And you know what? I almost kept it anyway, because when I returned it, the sales guy was like "Ohhhhh this is so cute...why are you returning it?" I literally hesitated for a moment, then remembered, and said "Because it made me look like I've birthed three babies." It actually didn't look that bad, but I wanted the conversation to end before he convinced me to keep it.

I literally have to trick myself in and out of these things. But at least I know how to do it.

I ordered another one immediately after, and it should arrive today. Here's to hoping...I keep thinking I can go with a new style after 10 years of only buying the same style...I might be delusional. Do delusional people know they're delusional?

In reflecting on this post, I have realized that you all basically haven't missed anything except the random isht that pops into my head, and, as a shout out, that I buy.
What have you been buying?
Oh, I don't know, two bathing suits, tokens at Chuck-e-Cheese and a scooter. Cheers.

Conferencia

I
love
events.

I love events.

I put in this conference bid two years ago.

Yesterday, 500 people were checked in, housed, fed and welcomed.

I think I have gotten 9 hours of sleep total in the last three days...but I feel good...because conferences are like liquid sleep.

Unfortunately, it also means that my mind is working the manner that it makes it feel ok to say things like "liquid sleep," which makes no sense, and sounds narshty.

I ALSO HAD THREE HOT DOGS FOR DINNER ON SATURDAY. I loved that. Two in one bun...then one in one bun...I don't know why I'm writing that...or using the caps...maybe I'm not as in it as I thought I was...

since it's been so long since a combo word post

I almost ran over a kid the other day because he literally waited for my car to get close, then ran into the street.

KIDIOT.

Two things, neither important

Maybe three things. We'll see how I feel at the end.

FIRST: I finally found this summer's bathing suit. It's a big deal, because buying bathing suits is more challenging than buying juuuust about any clothing item. For some reason, I'm most concerned with lines, and this suit should be just perfect. Thanks, Melinda, for referring me. No thanks J Crew for your bathing suits being so expensive...but secret thanks because they're REAL cute.

SECOND: I can't stop listening to the following things: that pop tart cat video Ally B showed me and I posted here last month. The new Bon Iver, all tracks, but especially 1, 2 and 10 (Peter Cetera?!)...and 4...and them all. Nicki Minaj's latest single. I'm not proud of the first and the last, but you know me (do you even KNOW me??)...I'm no music snob, so I can't apologize. I like car dancing.

I'm both horrified and elated that I just linked to my blog within my blog.

THIRD: I'm really feeling a third. THIS. CONFERENCE. IS. GOING. TO. BE. THE. BEST. Partially because I just took out things that I hated about the last 6 conferences...but mostly because I just learned about QR codes, and had Noelle learn how to make them, and now we're QR-ing the SHIZ out of the schedule. Seriously. There are codes that will lead to random pictures of my coworkers thinking funny things in thought bubbles. It's going to be funny, then way too much, then excessive to the point of being funny again (think the second and third seasons of Family Guy).

I think that's it for now. We'll see.

Mildly embarrassing...

...but I have to share this, because I've been enjoying it SO MUCH.

Brief context--all I've been doing lately, minus brief hiatuses for birthday parties, is planning this giant conference we're hosting in a couple of weeks. I need a new contact prescription from all of the computer staring, and I think I've typed myself into carpal tunnel syndrome, but the conference is gonna be the bomb. However, I've been mostly useless otherwise.

Best news...I found an app that not only contributes to being useless, but it's so mindless, and it allows me to take out some of my frustration in dealing with said conference...on high school kids.

Please download Opinionaided immediately.

Here's the idea: you post a yes or no question with a picture...people thumbs up or thumbs down it. You can also leave a comment. Instant feedback. Perfect, right? Oh wait...only high schoolers and child molesters use it, and they don't understand the extremely simple premise. Oh yeah, I also use it. I spend silent moments cooking, or before falling asleep, thumbs up-ing or thumbs-downing people, and leaving ridiculous comments for my own entertainment. There is no pay off for this...they can't comment back or anything...it's purely for my own entertainment. And now...please see how I spend my free moments.

It is my deepest desire that these kids see this comment and for a split second, think "Yeah, posting that might have made me look stupid. I'll think twice next time." Don't worry though...I know they're thinking "F&#% this adult!!!"



IT'S SO CUTE. It's so cute.



He is really cute.



Someone needed to tell her.



Work on consistency, and stop showing off your child boobs to strangers.



Come on...it's so much funnier because it's the CEO of Blockbuster...and I'm pretty sure that's really Jesus's quotation.



I'm actually hoping this is a joke question. "Ok baby, Imma stay...88% of people on Opinionaided thought I should."



I think it's a great tip.



At least put out more than one disposable shot glass.



I'm pretty sure this is a Chris Hansen post from To Catch a Predator.



Learn early...this is creeps.



Thumbs down.



It's never too early to be made fun of for spelling errors.



The words...the picture...there was nothing else to say.



Yeah yeah, I take these pics all the time. "Tilt that camera...look at me...I'm walking up the wall!!"



She really answered her own question.



Just wanted to be sure.



But why would I??



Nailed it.



It seems so clear.



This is the kid I hope really took this to heart.



It's true. Not really.



I can't even make fun of it, because I don't at all understand it.



I will always hate this joke, in any form. People need to know. "Want to hear a country song backwards? My wife came back..." "No. I do not."


I'm pretty sure that would do it.



This girl is setting herself up to be that mom who posts about nipple rashes on Facebook.



My head hurts just looking at this.


RIGHT???



Ha haaaa!



There's no reason to laugh at this.



I hate high schoolers.



This did make me happy I don't have a sister.



Nnnnnnnnnnnailed it!



Agree...with myself.



It's so prestigious.

Just download it. You'll get it.

Today's letter.

Dear students whose parents bought them cars,

Shut up about it. Just shut the hell up.

Love,
Shannon

the most serious this blog will ever be

...but I can't resist at the moment.

Dear 80% of People on Facebook:

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?

Love, Shannon

I have lost faith in the goodness of almost everyone everywhere since about 8:30 p.m. PST yesterday. There are appropriate ways to handle major world events on Facebook. Why do 80% of people choose NOT to handle things that way?

Appropriate post, ripped from someone's actual Facebook, without crediting them, because who knows if they'd even be ok with that:

""Obama is dead, I don't care" - Geraldo Rivera. Thanks Fox News for being Fair & Balanced."

--it's funny, real, and doesn't rejoice in the death of another person. Nice work.

Inappropriate post, ripped from someone's actual Facebook, without crediting them, because I hope they're embarrassed by this one day:

...in response to a comment that the people in DC celebrating OBL's death was eerily similar to the people in the Middle East celebrating the events of September 11: "False. It is a celebration of justice, their celebration was of injustice."

--False. I'm pretty sure they said the EXACT SAME THING about you just now. Justice is perceived.

Inappropriate post:

...again, an argument in response to the concept that we shouldn't be celebrating someone's death by singing in the streets: "read Ezekiel 18:23"

Kick ass appropriate reply:

"Ezekiel 18:23, "Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign LORD. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live?""

--excellent contextualization. I laughed out loud at this. I like how the person that posted the challenge in the first place apparently read the first part of that verse, then chose to stop reading, and answer the question on God's behalf with a "Yes."

Inappropriate posts:

Variations on "Ding dong the witch is dead," which range from that simple quote to the more elaborate "Ding Dong the witch is dead, the wicked witch . . . We don't forget," (which, should anyone like to wager, I bet will be one a t-shirt at gas stations in Arizona within the week).

--first of all, and maybe most importantly, witches are girls. Doesn't anyone read Harry Potter anymore? Second, this reference to a fairly old movie is not going to go far with the kids on the Facebook these days. Third, SOMEONE DIED. I don't know, maybe stop singing about it.

Inappropriate post:

"Obama made it sound like he single handedly found him and pulled the trigger himself. "

--really? Because I'm pretty sure he mentioned the troops on the ground in Pakistan several minutes before he pointed out that, by law, he had to be the one to give the order. Because it's the law. And I'm pretty sure he wasn't singing about it.

Inappropriate post:

"Osama is dead that faggot."

--REALLY? Do you know what that means? Of all the things he's been accused of, I'm pretty sure being into guys wasn't one of them. There are SO MANY OTHER adjectives that would've been appropriate. Here are a couple to choose from: criminal, killer, terrorist. And those adjectives actually have negative connotation attached.

Post toward which I am neutral, leaning toward "really?":

...from a friend in a rural Midwest town: "I can sleep so much easier tonight knowing he's dead!"

--I mean, I'm glad that you're feeling good and all, but you can't honestly expect me to believe that you've been losing sleep for the last nine years because you thought OBL might choose to attack your town of 1100. Let's not make this more dramatic than it already is.

Inappropriate post:

"I'll truly believe it when I see it. Oh wait, I won't see it because they threw his body into the ocean."

--So...you're saying you won't believe it? That hardly seems worth of a status update. I don't believe Del T is better than T Bell (do you like how I have nicknames for fast food restaurants?). POST IT.

Appropriate post (I think):

"I think Obama's next speech is going to be a guitar solo."
--I don't get it...but I like it.

Inappropriate post, followed by inappropriate comments:

Post: "Hmmm, wonder what Osama is thinkin' about right now??"
Comment: "How hot hell is"
Comment: "Where's all my virgins and can somebody kick the AC on."

--Awesome. Jesus is looking down on you with so much love right now, as you decide that someone went to hell forever, and made fun of the fact. Jesus LOVES judgment, mocking and when people go to hell. You are all awesome, and I'm happy we're (Facebook) friends. Let's get matching tattoos of OBL in hell, and us with Jesus and a bunch of virgins laughing and laughing, and Jesus will have his arm around you, and I'll be holding up a peace sign. For real. Let's get those tattoos tomorrow you guys.

Appropriate post that I couldn't have said better myself...especially because s/he also uses the abbreviation for his name, just like me:

"I just can't find joy in the physical death of another person - I feel grateful for the fortitude and courage of our troops, but I'm kinda creeped out by people cheering at OBL's death."

--I wouldn't have wanted him as an Uncle or anything, but I'm certainly not happy he died. Come on...someone died!! The only person I would be happy about dying is Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter. Boom. Two Harry Potter references in one blog. All readers alienated forever.

And to wrap things up...

Comment that appeared in the middle of the president's speech, in the middle of everyone's social media running commentary, that put it aaaall in perspective:

"Watching George Lopez as a comedian and tryna complete an essay is hard as fck, he is so funny! LMAO side tracked much haha"

I love/hate high school students. So much.

Because you have to type my name in order for the email to reach me in the first place...

...it doesn't make sense when you start your email with the following:

Dear Sharon,
Hello, Ms. Hutchinson,
Mrs. Sharon Huchingson,

None of those are my name, which I have to believe you know, because the email address to which you sent your message is my first and last name, spelled correctly.

I mean, it's not a big deal. I just don't know anyone named Sharon that I really love, and I don't want to be associated with that.


Strong dislike.


Ok, I actually don't dislike this guy...but I don't really like him...it's a neutral.


Oh man, I actually like her a good amount.


Google-ing Sharon was the worst idea...I really like this one!!

Oh man. That whole argument is totally rescinded. Sharon is fine. Just don't call me Hutchinson.

I like it when giraffes say things that I say.

This cat video needs to stop it...

...because I love it so much.



Thanks to my Loma Blogger Ally B for making my life so much better with this.

Parents are liars.

I mean, not all of them. Or maybe all of them are. It's hard to tell, right, because they're lies?
But no...definitely not all of them.

Anyway. Yesterday, I had a conversation with a mom who pretended to be a student. This isn't the first time, which is mildly depressing, but it's one of the worst. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Admissions, this is Shannon (actually, probably more like Admisisisannon...I think, after eleven hundred thousand phone answers, it's slurred a little).
Her: Hello, my name is Kevin, and I'm a high school junior. I'm calling with several questions about ROTC.
Me: Ok...Kevin...what can I tell you?
Her: Well I'm very academically gifted, and I always have been. I'm interested in pursuing the biological sciences eventually, but I'm more interested in the military at the moment. My parents think that I should pursue my education first, but I'm unsure. What advice can you offer?
Me: Well..........Kevin...(boring advice given).

At this point, I transferred her to our ROTC advising counselor for more advice, of course, but really, to get a second opinion as to whether or not this was actually a high schooler named Kevin. Here's what Chip said, via G-chat.

chippitkin: no way!!!

Thanks Chip.

Things to NOT do if you're going to call a college pretending to be your child:

1. That. Just don't do that. Never call a college pretending to be your child. It should FEEL too embarrassing, but if for some reason it doesn't, I'm telling you: it is embarrassing. Don't.
2. Say things like this "My parents think that I should pursue my education first, but I'm unsure."
3. Brag about yourself just like your mom does when she's talking about you to the neighbor.
4. Pretend to be your son, Kevin, as a mom, OR
4. Name your daughter Kevin (if it's Kevan or Kehvighn or something, I'm gonna freak out)
5. Speak with a voice that sounds like it's coming out of this body:


All are dead give aways.

It's not worth it. Kevan/Kehvighn/Kevin now looks like an idiot, even if s/he doesn't know you called.

The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas is the Cosmopolitan of My Heart

I don't even know what that title means. Oh yes, here's what it means:

I love Las Vegas.

I would go every weekend if I could. It's not at all about being crazy or parties or any of that...it's just the perfect vacation spot. I love any vacation where you get there, and never have to get into a car to get anywhere. That's why I love Las Vegas...everything is RIGHT THERE. You check in, you're there. It doesn't even matter where you want "there" to be...you're there. Eating, dancing, people-watching, spa-ing, shopping, games, naps, pools, sunshine, art...everything is a short walk away. Also, I love any vacation where there is no concept of time. Also Las Vegas. I know they're strategic about hiding the clocks so you never leave, and I love it. You can sleep until 11, eat at 2, go to the pool at 4 and dance until 2...then do it all over again.

Las Vegas + Shannon = True Love.

For the past six years, some of the greatest friends ever and I have trekked to our Mecca (does it count as sacrilege if it's not my religion?) in Spring/Summer for what started as vacation, and now serves as reunion (as some of us have moved...I'm being nice in being vague, because it sure as hell wasn't me). We stay in different places on the Strip every year...until next year (until forever)...because we found our home. I don't ever want to stay anywhere other than The Cosmopolitan.

I'm actually creating a will (overdue?) and requesting that my ashes be spread there.

Here are a few (I think it might be many, actually, because in looking back on this, I went from three pictures to a lot) of the reasons this place is absolutely perfect (for us, but maybe not really for people into spelunking or anime or breeding cattle).

I'll start with what's most important. After that, they're in no partic order.

Food:

We ate at three (four?) different restaurants in the hotel, and they were all amazing. I especially loved DOCG (I don't know...don't ask), where our server was really creepy, but in a delightful way.
But by far the best food was at The Wicked Spoon, The Cosmo's answer to a buffet.

So wicked.
I love it like I love Las Vegas (circular? Likely.), and I love Las Vegas like I love to love.

You can't find three happier girls. Actually, you can, but it's us, because we get happier and happier as the pictures progressed.




That was actually a series of eleven photos. You're welcome for the editing.

Delicious everything--our agreed upon fav was the polenta, and my favs included the mashers, the greens/roasted tomato salad, and the pot roast. It actually made me wonder if I'd ever had pot roast before. ALSO...just as good as the actual food quality...the actual food...it was pre-portioned! Instead of getting a spoon of mashers, you got a tiiiiny pot of mashers. Instead of a piece of fried chicken (I initially typo'd "friend chicken"..."Hello chicken, my friend"), you got a tiiiiny fryer basket of chicken. Ummmmazing. And it was so good. Really seemed to remedy the nasty buffet food waste problem, but I imagine the dishwashers are suicidal.


Food...you are so adorable.

Sparkle:

Don't be intimidated if you aren't into the sparkle...it wasn't too over the top (yes it was and that's why I loved it). Listen...I'm also into making pizza in sweats and a t-shirt from the 80s on Tuesday. But in Las Vegas, there is no room for those things. It's about being completely over the top. That's why I can only go for three (seven) days. The Cosmo was the best of all of that. There is a three story chandelier with a bar in it. COME. ON. It was like being not in reality all of the time.

View from the floor.


My fav picture, I think...it's from the third story of the chandelier, looking up.


Soooo (not) over the top (for Vegas)


They are RADIATING SPARKLE.


We're tired slash happy....but we're all of that IN A CHANDELIER. CAPS.



Emphasis on shoes:

My life has a strong shoe emphasis. Of the material goods I love: food, then my iPod, then shoes. I'm not CRAZY about shoes or anything...I just love them, and think about them a lot, and choose carefully those in which I invest. Stop it...that's totally normal. But, (as I may have mentioned) since The Cosmo was created based on the thoughts that float around my mind, they too had a clear love of shoes, as displayed in their abundant shoe art.

This is literally perfect. Shoe. Cake. Not in that order.


Choco-shoe. I would like to wear it.


This made me think that the friend shoes were chasing after the worn shoes because they wanted to be worn. It makes a lot of sense. I'm pretty sure that's what the photographer was going for too.


A shoe I could sleep in. I wouldn't though. That's ridiculous.

These pieces of fine art provided nearly-divine inspiration for my own shoe art, and I chose to document our trip based on my shoes.

These were night one...they were excellent Barge dancing shoes.


Day two...pool day. These are the same jellies I had when I was five...but different...because of the fact that I'm not five.



Night two. Perfect for running around and stabbing people in the temple.


Zipper on zipper...night three.


Late late tv time. Perfect. Cousin is so green!

The casino floor:

Two words, plus one indefinite pronoun: ALL top shelf.

In the rough.


Ok, so I'm not really a gambler. I mean, I really try sometimes, but it's pre-he-hetty low key. I never gamble my rent money or child support or anything. But we managed to get ten dollars in free play, so I put my fake money into this slot called Kitty Glitter, only so I could take a picture for Mindy, who loves kitties (not like me) and glitter (also not like me....aaahhh I'm only keeedding!!!), but in a twist of fate, my free ten dollars turned into fifty real dollars!!! It was my most successful gamble ever. Look at the shock/delight in the crazy eyes.

I didn't go back. I know when to fold 'em.

Music:

The Cosmo prides itself on being "independent," and showcases that by having an unusually amazing line up of up-and-coming music. So weird for Vegas, and so perfect for me. We happened to be there when Marina and the Diamonds were there too. What??? Excited. We missed Robyn by days and Mumford and Sons by a thousand dollars. But Marina...she was free. Please enjoy what is possibly the lowest possible quality video available.


Dear Cosmopolitan,

I love you.

With love,

Shannon D. Cosmopolitan