Facebook is killing me OR The end of some of my friendships.

I have a bad feeling that I will regret posting this, but I have held off for like a year, so I'm just gonna go for it. When you've got all this music in you...

**If one of these is from your Facebook, that means you KNOW me, and you KNOW that it's all for the love. I'm not making fun of you...just Facebook business. You know that, right? Look how much work I did to hide your identity. We are still friends. We are still friends. Please still be friends with me.**

So sometimes (often) I take screenshots of things on Facebook that I think are hilarious.

Here are some of them.



We aren't sure, but we might love you??



First of all, let me remind you that "not" is not back, but second, and more importantly, this is something that only your mom should have to hear.


We get it, you started learning Hebrew. Just post that though, because this FOR SURE did not happen. Like nothing you do to try and convince me that this happened will convince me that this happened.


Wait, it is?? So in training dogs, the owner is just a really smart dog?? I'm not sure that's what you meant to say.


This is only funny in context, which I'm about to provide:

Article Sharer: a good friend who grew up going to church a lot
First Commenter: a college friend she knew when she didn't go to church a lot
Second Commenter: sharer's childhood pastor

Just imagining them reading each others' comments made my whole hour.


Most disjointed update ever. I love this. But wait...are you trying to tell me that your dishes are done with all of the BS that comes along with doing taxes, or that your taxes are done with the relative ease of doing dishes? Also, I'm cramping.



Your kind of afternoon sounds AWFUL.
I don't know whether to love the actual status update more, or the comment. I mean, if you think about it (or really, if you don't), shredded paper is always recycling, no matter where it ends up. And I'm not convinced loose paper counts as litter, or that city trucks disburse it. Disperse it? Oh man, I just realized I have no idea.


Steps to editing your status the right way:
1. Post your status
2. See "Oops! I made a typo!"
3. Delete your status
4. Post the accurate status
5. Sigh in relief that no one out there saw your potentially message-altering mistake

Steps to editing your status the wrong way:
1. Post your status
2. See "Oops! I made a typo!"
3. Leave a comment on your own status, correcting the mistake with a sttaaaarrr!
4. Realize that by doing so, you've directed attention to the fact that you made the mistake in the first place
5. Brace yourself for all of the comments (both on and off Facebook) laughing at your mistake that literally makes your status mean the opposite of what you wanted it to mean.


Not Facebook, obviously, but come on, The News...cut the FBI some slack with the quote-y fingers. They're after a man named DB Cooper. Come on. DB Cooper.


YIKES.


That's a really strong reaction to a sale at a craft store.


I actually think it's because a computer mouse doesn't have any arms or legs.


Wait, so are we "lmao" or "serious" about this??


But let's not be dramatic about it.


I'm not sure you understand the whole "Is it just me, or..." thing. Because yeah, if you're being honest here, apparently you do really sit on the toilet longer to play games. You don't have to ask us.


Come on. Why not just hold off until his actual birthday? I don't think I know anyone who needs a forewarning on this.
"Ohhh I wish I'd known last week so I could prepare for the anniversary of Duke Ellington's birth!"
But really, congrats on knowing when his birthday is.


"Ohmigosh this is totally my favorite song but I don't know the title or who sings it but I love it!"


Oh man. Bottom comment followed by top comment. I just can't love it enough.


Right...because everything is quick...because it's an instant...


See former true hatred with sharing a Facebook account. This is better than any case-in-point I could've created.


Actually, based on his status...I'm pretty sure the only thing we know for sure is that you don't feel his pain.


"So I'm not sure if you know this or not, but I know Matt. But this is about him. But I for sure know him."


It's hard to fault someone for self-promotion when they actually make it a thank you note. I'm pretty sure this person thought long and hard about how to make that work.


Context: The second commenter is the girl who posted this status about being ready to "just birth this baby already!" J offers great advice...then another set of great advice...and claims both led to her baby being born when he was. I mean, thanks for the support, but I don't think we can claim that everything you did on the day your kid was born led to that kid being born.

"Earlier today, I was in a line of three cars at the coffee cart, and I had 11 emails when I came back from lunch."


This is my status update attempting to generically mock all of the Facebook buzz about someone else's wedding. BACKFIRE.

Second comment. Nasty.


Rih...I think your Facebook was hacked.

Really? That was a great day? Also, let's just refresh...that hyphen grammatically means that you did all of the remaining list items at Forest Lawn Cemetery, and if they serve brats...I'm gonna be weirded out.


Again, I don't know whether I like the request (for funds for a fun-not-missions-trip to Israel) or the responses more...from a Facebook friend...which should mean a real life friend............."get a job."


"I mean, cool photo and all, but really, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JJAANNNN!!!!"

]
I thought I was full of first world problems until I read this. I know you hate it, but kids in Mumbai really, really, really love your life. :)


Really? THAT'S her day?? "Bluueebluebleeeebleblahh that's your day and you're welcome."


"So let me make this simple, Auntie: I AM BETTER THAN UNCLE JIM."


"I need someone to block out a full day to come to my house and help with manual labor...and your payment will be cookies or ice cream. I said OR. Do not expect both."


I can't stop laughing about this.


Repeat offender. Friend, this is worth an actual edit. Some guy died.


Disagree on every level. That should DEFINITELY not be three sentences. Also, why on earth would having a Barbie with no hair somehow help a kid with cancer in any way? I don't think they feel bad because there isn't a female doll that doesn't look like them from the forehead up. And let's be real, Barbies can't donate proceeds...they're dolls.


1--I feel like we need to revisit what "BIGGEST" and "big" mean.
2--If you give anyone the choice of five OR ten dollars AND/OR dinner, I'm pretty sure they'll pick ten dollars and dinner.
3--This is really asking a lot...maybe offering to meet the person somewhere, or paying them around what their gas will actually cost would help. Just saying.


ARE YOUR KIDS OK?



I love Facebook so much for things like this, and I also hate Facebook so much for things like this. SOSOsosososssoooo glad we're still for SURE friends.