Friday, July 22, 2011

Here's something I hate: shared Facebook accounts

Dear married couples,

Congratulations on being married (not sarcastic). You now officially share your everyday life, finances, last name, children, vehicles, tax filings, secrets, pets, home, and more (not sarcastic).

(I felt as though I needed to include the not sarcastic asides because I get worried that some people may think I'm a marriage-hater [because someone I once knew in high school told me that I was that when my face registered the horror I felt in my heart when she said "I can't imagine not being would rather die than not be married...I'm just not a whole person without a husband..." And she said it just like that...and she HAD a husband...but it wasn't about him {note that she didn't say his name} was just about being married.] I am not. I know so many people who are in marriages and are great there. I just am not in one. Live your own dreams, you know?)

Here's something you don't have to share: your Facebook account (not at all sarcastic).

There is little that annoys me more on Facebook than receiving a friend request from TadandGina Smith, or Kerrywalter Jimenez (take that, representation). Here's why:

1--Who the hell are you? It takes me at least 6 seconds of staring to decipher who the request is actually from. I prefer received a request from Tad and thinking "Oh, a request from Tad," rather than receiving a request from TadandGina and thinking "What the...Ta-dohnd-jena? I don't know a...ohhhhh...Tad and Gina are using one Facebook account. Great."

2--What if I want to be in touch with Kerry OR Walter, and not Kerry AND Walter? One thing I don't buy is when married people let me know that they tell their spouse everything, all the time, no matter what. First of all (do you like how I have numbered lists within my numbered lists?), that's messed up. You tell your spouse YOUR business, but if I confide in you, you don't have a right to tell your spouse MY business.
Actually, you do have that right...but I won't tell you anything any more. Rights...why did I say that...I hate when people make normal, everyday situations an issue of rights.
But I'll leave it there for the sake of authenticity.
Anyway, it's messed up. Some stuff isn't to be shared, even if you're bound by the holy bonds. Second, it's not true. There are always secrets. Be real. Think about it for like 11 minutes, and you'll think of something you didn't tell your spouse. It doesn't have to be's just science.
But none of that matters, because here's what I'm trying to say: Gina: what if I have a really personal question that I HAVE to ask on Facebook, because I lost your email and you're in Cabo without cell service?? Chances of me asking are ruined, because Tad might check that shiz! Or Tad: what if you and I are planning a huge surprise party for Gina, and I don't have your cell number because we aren't that good of friends in the first place? THE PARTY IS OFF.
The party is off.

3--Who is commenting on the photo of me in a bathing suit?? Call me crazy, but the " look so cute in that suit" changes meaning a little when it's from Walter as opposed to being from Kerry.

4--And which one of you is letting all of us know that it's too hot to work outside, so you're going to take a nap? I mean, I know it doesn't matter, but I wonder.

5--Don't you ever get a little mad that by having one account, you're implying that both of you have the same likes, music tastes, political views, educational background, birthday, employment information, favorite tv shows, interests, get the idea...? If you do have all of those things in common, you're not married, you're unusual twins.

6--So you're saying you hope no one ever finds you on Facebook? Unless they ALSO have a shared Facebook account, no one will ever think to search for you by combining both of your first names. And even if they do (we're talking like two in 26000 people that will search for you--don't you dare reduce that), odds are against you that they'll come up with the combo that you came up with. After GinaTad, Tad&Gina and GinaandTad don't work, they're going to give up.
And...spoiler of the two people that end up searching for you that way is going to be annoyed that you have a shared Facebook and won't add you.

7--Ok, marriage is the bomb for people who want to be in one, but COME ON. Come on...............................come on. You do NOT need a shared Facebook. There is no legit excuse for this.
"But there's no way we both have enough time to keep up with separate Facebooks..."
Really? But you both have time to keep up with one?
"No, only Tad keeps up with it."
Then Tad should have his own Facebook.
"But then how will people know to get in touch with Gina?"
Gina, if that's a real concern, either start your own Facebook, or tell Tad to keep you posted.
"But what it people look at Tad's Facebook and don't realize he's married?"
I'm sure the wedding pic that he uses as his profile pic will be a tip off.
"Well we only have one email address..."
NO YOU DO NOT. No you do not.

Listen, I don't even know any Tads, Ginas, Kerrys or Walters, and I also have no friends on Facebook who have a shared profile...AND I BETTER NEVER HAVE ANY. No, no, it's ok. I won't be crazy about it. I just wanted to write these three pages about it. I won't defriend you if you and Tad decide you want to simplify by having one account.

But I will stop communicating with you via Facebook, and hide your posts, and change the names in this post to your names.


  1. Ugghhhhhh! I hate this so so much. My friends got a joint email account, like, 'member when we used to email each other about everything that was going on in our lives since we don't live in the same state? Yeah, well, I'm not gonna do that anymore because your husband is going to read about how I'm feeling fat and want to get in shape or relationship stuff I want to talk about with just you. Dumb! Now we have no way to communicate because you don't return calls or texts. Awesome.

  2. I agree with every iota of this email except for the part where you called something science that is not science. I know you love to call things science that make sense...but it's not always science shannon. I'm sorry. What do you think about babies having facebook pages? Or cats? Or alien painters?

  3. If you get a friend request from GuyNan it could be Whoopie Goldberg and you'd really be missing out!

  4. i occasionally send your blog posts to my colleagues (generally after they ask why i am chuckling to myself). at first i wasn't sure if not knowing you would make your comments on life any less hilarious. turns out, it does not.

  5. Cousin, it's total science, because everything is God, and God is science.

    Tia, thank you. I just searched for Guinan on Facebook, so I could "like" her page.

    Chelita, I genuinely miss having you in my regular life, and it is just delightful to know you're out there. Also, feel free to forward this to the Big O.