Don't worry...I'm not going to post anyone's actual posts here. No one is on blast (I have a super vague understanding of what that actually means). But know that I didn't make any of these up (except the one about Nickelback, but it was all to make a point, so it's cool).
THING NUMBER ONE
"Not" is "not" back.
So far, I think this is contained to my Midwest friends. Please stop posting things like this:
"Wow, this weekend I lost my wallet...so awesome...not!", or
"102 degrees...it's so nice outside today. NOT!", or
"Nickelback is such an awesome band. Not."
I get it. You're being sarcastic. We all get it. But pointing it out takes away any chance of it being humorous. You might as well post "102 degrees...it's so nice outside today...but I don't really mean that, because it's too hot for it to be nice, so I really meant what I first said it in a sarcastic way. Did you get it? You guys?"
In fact, I'd rather you just say that next time.
THING NUMBER TWO
Facebook isn't about proving how many uncredited references you understand before anyone else.
Status update: "Early morning, April 4...shot rings out in the Memphis sky..."
First comment: "In the name of love."
Status update: "Fish are friends."
First comment: "Not food!!!!!"
Status update: "You and me could write a bad romance..."
First comment: "OMG LADY GAGA! SHE IS THE BEST!!!!!"
There are two reasons that the first commenters feel the need to leave these comments.
First, they think that the status poster had half of a random pop culture thought, but just couldn't remember the other half, or remembered something, but couldn't figure out the reference. In this case, the commenter must assume that the updater thought that the best way to address this knowledge gap would be to post the half they remember on Facebook, with no question, in hopes that someone out there would see the unfinished status, assume that it meant that they were looking for information, and that instead of Google, they turned to an assortment of friends, elementary school connections, coworkers, friends' moms and relatives to clear things up for them, without actually being explicitly asked to do so.
Second, the commenter believes that the updater issued a secret, implied Facebook challenge, and the commenter wants to W!I!N!, so s/he responds immediately to let everyone else know that s/he knows from where said reference originates. Congratulations, ass. You won.
I hate both of these reason. Stop it, commenter. We get it...you know the reference. 100 points and my eternal respect.
THING NUMBER THREE
Serious business doesn't belong on Facebook (...but if you put it there, I reserve the right to be entertained by it.)
I almost didn't even write this, because I'm not-so-secretly wildly entertained by these posts, but because that's probably wrong (on a scale of hell worthy wrong to wrong, I think it's like an 18, but still), I want to put it out there. Facebook isn't the place for...
"I'm so broke...thinking about bankruptcy. :("
"It's 4 a.m. and he's still not home...he doesn't deserve me...but I can't leave..."
"It sucks when you want to rely on someone you thought was a friend, but they let you down. I can't rely on anyone...I'm all alone in the world...none of you guys are there for me when I need you. This sucks."
"Bad news on the mommy front...baby and I both have a rash from breast-feeding, his mouth, my nipple...ouch!"
I'm not one to use a lot of the "OMG," but OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG.
Please stop posting these things on Facebook. I don't feel like this should have to be explicit, but Facebook isn't the place for personal things that may or may not be appropriate to tell your mother. I get it if you need some support, but call someone...call me...I'm happy to talk it out with you ("Wow...I don't know a lot about bankruptcy, but I recommend you contact an attorney...not through Facebook..."). But don't post it for your grandma, boss and best friend from third grade to see. Someone is going to post something insensitive, or forward the post to all of their coworkers with "?!??!??!!" as the subject, or tell whoever you're no longer close to but still want to impress aaaall about it.
I mean this times a thousand if you're talking about any kind of nipple rash.
Let's keep Facebook full of furtive photos of people's weird clothes and haircuts, hilarious things your kids say, and generally positive sentiments about your hometown.