Friday, July 26, 2013

Unawkward things that I make awkward

First of all, TWO MONTHS.  Where the hell did June and July go?! 

I've been noticing, lately, that there are really normal, unawkward situations that, for some reason, I'm drawn to make very awkward.  I never feel like it's just happens.  Things are normal, things are normal, things are normal, things are weird.  I've noticed it most in the following areas:

1.  Walking in and out of doors when someone else is also walking in or out.

Up until about a year ago, I was pre-he-hetty good at entering and exiting buildings like a regular old gal.  Then, overnight, I became the worst person ever with whom to enter or exit a building.  

Whatever that internal sense that alerts you "Ok, you're both leaving, but Gina's on pace to leave slightly before you, so go ahead and let her take the lead," or "Looks like you are the half step in front, so go ahead and step out, then hold the door," I no longer have it.

Not sure why.

But here's the internal stress monologue it's led to: "Ok, you're both leaving, so go ahead and, oh, wait, oh sorry, shiz, ok, we're both in the doorway and I can't, oh man, damn it, um, oh man, stop she's right, ok go ahea, no wait..."

Pretty sure I've lost the respect of some good friends by either stepping on them while entering a building or completely cutting them off while exiting. 

To avoid this, I've taken to insisting on holding the door open for everyone, and making them, even with those annoying "No no no, after YOU" moments, go first.  

2.  Bathroom conversation.

WHY why WhYYyyYyyyy can't I just not talk to people in a public restroom?  It's like a force is drawing me...I see someone from my building, I know why they're there, they know why I'm there...there is NO good reason to being a conversation.  But inevitably, we'll make eye contact, I'll say hey, they'll say hey, and then I'm asking about their car, or kids, or how the phones have been treating them.  At the very least, one of us is holding it, so it's never good.  And there's no good way to end that conversation--"Well, gotta go ahead and pee now," or "Well looks like my stall is open, soo..."

What should be a completely normal "passing in the hall" is now a forced conversation.

3.  When a server takes my embarrassingly clean plate.

I am the first to admit that a lot of what I do is purely for my own entertainment.  No worries if you don't think it's funny...I think it's so funny, so I just keep onnnn doing it.  Generally, though, they're small things that don't really matter in life, like when someone changes their Facebook profile photo to a pic of their baby, I like to leave comments like "Wow--you look really different!"  Stupid...but come on...I have to.

Unfortunately, this drive for self-amusement has recently gone too far, and I completely  acknowledge it, and I can't seem to stop.

Here's how it goes in my mind:
After eating literally everything on my plate at a restaurant, which, let's be honest, happens OFTEN, the server comes back to the table to clear my plate.  Server reaches down...
Me: Oh, I'm not actually done yet.
Server: Oh...
Me: I'm just kidding.
Server and Me together: Ohhahhaahahahhahaha!

Get it? There's not one crumb on my plate, so of COURSE I'm done!  There's no way for me to not be done!  Laugh riot.

Here's how it's happened LITERALLY EVERY TIME. 
Server reaches down...
Me: Oh, I'm not actually done yet.
Server: Oh...
Me: I'm just kidding.
Server: Oh...uh...ok, so, uh, do you want to hang onto the plate?
Me: Oh no, I was just kidding...because I...I ate all of the much...
Server: Oh , ok, so I can take it?
Me: Yeah, for sure.

I've even tried to combo the joke and say "Oh, I'm not actually done yet just kidding," with not even a little pause.  Same results, but sometimes with the additional "I'm sorry, what?" from the server.

This joke has never, ever gone over, even a little bit.  Not like "oh, I think this will be funnier with the right server," like "Oh wow, that was so unnerving for them that I'm going to get bad service from here on out, because they don't want to come back to my table."

But for some effing reason, I say it every time I clean my plate.

Again, often.  See above.

I see the words coming, and my brain is like "Nooo donnn't stopppp you knowww how this is gonna gggggoooo," and my heart is like "Seriously, don't!  This is only bad for us!" and then my mouth is like "Oh I'm not actually done yet."

People who eat with me often have literally started frantically shaking their heads at me when they see it coming.

I'm sorry world.  My mouth is committed to that joke, and nothing can stop him/her. 

Sidenote--is the mouth automatically the same gender as the rest of the body?  Sub-question--is it sexist to assume one way or the other?

Last question--why does my brain really drag things out when it talks to me, but my heart is super succinct? 

If I had a mic, I'd totally drop it RIGHT HERE.