Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dear College Students,

Dear College Students,

This is the last time in your life that it will be a tiiiiny bit okay for you to just ignore important emails and don't do business related things because you're "too busy."
I say "okay" not because it's ACTUALLY okay, but because at this point, you can't be fired from anything for it.
Please be prepared for the rest of your life to be much harder and busier than college, and the only time "too busy" applies is when you're talking about your own well-being. For example, you'll often be "too busy" to get lunch, or "too busy" to do your own laundry, or in my case, "too busy" to go downstairs to pee. And although you might think you are, you won't be allowed to be "too busy" to meet that deadline, "too busy" to return an email, or "too busy" to drop off paperwork.
So please, be in your clubs, run your laps, study for your finals, write your papers, update your Facebooks...but be happy about it. That's not busy...it's perfect. Cherish it. CHERISH IT.

With so much love I just might die,
Shannon

Monday, December 20, 2010

It was a magical weekend

...because I found true love and got engaaaaaaaaged!!!!!

Just kidding. It was EVEN BETTER!

I like to call this one "These people are either just about to give gifts to baby Jesus or just about to get abducted by aliens."

Monday, December 13, 2010

here's something that no one will care about

You're gonna be mad about reading this...I promise.

So they moved the Old Faithful webcam.

I don't know why, but a few clicks around the old world wide web, I found that there are a couple of other people (certainly either 90 year old tech-savvy birdwatchers, or 33 year old obese men who play World of Warcraft instead of working) are all up in arms about it too. I say "too" because I'm also all up in arms about it. I mean, this new camera does show trees where I was certain there was just a parking lot, which is good news, but how the hell am I supposed to see the bison from this far away?

But it's still so lovely there.

So, since you've made it this far (I'm assuming someone did...Mindy), let me show you:

Old camera. This one's called The Bison Returneth.


New camera. So far away. But this one is as it's entitled, It's Magic!



So lovely, but I miss the old upsies closeies camera. I still love technology, always and forever. RIP.

Friday, December 10, 2010

another reason I love the state of HI

I just read an application for a kid who's first name, in Hawaiian, means "strength," last name means "magnificent," and middle name means "fisherman."

I AM THE STRONGEST, MOST MAGNIFICENT FISHERMAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW. FISH JUMP INTO MY BUCKET, AND ALL THE BONES FALL OUT OF THEM, IN ORDER.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Why...

...are those videos in the last post so huge? I hate that they go outside of the lines! I have no idea how to fix that. With my internet knowledge, I opened the blog to edit it, said "VIDEOS! SMALLEN YOURSELVES!!!"

Nothing happened.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Here's something weird...

...you know all those flash mob videos that are the thing right now? They always make me tear up. I have no idea why. I usually can't finish them for fear of crying at my desk at work.

Some people can't handle the Folger's commercials...



...but I can't take the flash mobs.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

New Years

Here's the best thing about being all the single ladies: I basically do whatever I want, whenever I want. Clearly not ALL the time, because I'm not a huge ass, but I do sort of love my own life.

Case in point: New Years. Two years ago, some lovely friends and I spent New Years in New York, last year, Chicago, and this year, I am happy to say, I just booked our place in shiny Las Vegas.

We'll be ringing in the New Year here:

...or, more specifically, here:

...but actually, probably with these guys...

...because they're performing on the Strip on New Years Eve.

Sign me up.

Sign me up for whatever I feel like at the moment...but don't put a ring on it...because then I wouldn't be signed up for as much. Unless I like the ring...different.

Right now, sign me up for dinner, because I'm stuuurrrrrving.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

the kids

So every other Sunday when I'm in town, I hang out with "the kids"...more specifically, the kindergartners and 1st graders from Grace Church. I'd like to say that I do it for the greater good of helping these kids love Jesus, and that's definitely a side-effect, but really, when I'm not feeling it, the thing that gets me out of bed is that these kids are hilarious.

Best case in point: Miss Ricki T. She's five, she's sassy, and she looks a little bit like this:



So this week, we were talking about talents, so I went around the circle and asked each kid to say one thing they're good at. We went around three times, and each time, Ricki T. would say something, then just do it.

Other kid: I'm good at....soccer.
Ricki T.: I'm good at cartwheels. Look!

Other kid: I'm good at....cleaning my room.
Ricki T.: I'm good at kicking. Look!

Hilarious. I love the enthusiasm, even though I had to keep saying "Ricki, nice job, but please come back and join the circle."

Then I asked them to say one thing someone else they knew was good at. Ricki T said "My cousin is a really, really, really good rapper...he's the best rapper you've ever seen." She might be right...I mean...I haven't seen him...so I'm withholding judgment. Don't tell Jay-Z.

So at the very end, we always say a closing prayer, and I asked the kids if they had anything we should pray about. Avery said that we needed to pray for her uncle, who lost his leg (yikes--that's a lot for a five year old to have to worry about), and Ricki asked us to pray for her cousin to be a better rapper. I asked if anyone wanted to pray for the group, she volunteered, and it went like this:

"Dear gracious Jesus God, thank you for bringing us all here together. It's a blessing to be here gracious Jesus God. And gracious Jesus God, today we pray for my cousin, that he would be the best rapper in the world, and do so good, and we pray for...what's your name? Oh, we pray for Avery's uncle and his lost leg, and we hope that finds it again as soon as possible. Amen."

I LOVE other people's babies.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

AND SOME MORE THINGS

There is no theme to these things, other than the "these things happened to me while on fall travel."

--I asked a local guy for a recommendation on a place to eat (which, with Yelp, is how to guarantee good food all the time), he referred me to a pizza place, and when I asked what to order, he said "Oh man, I got this seafood pizza one time, with scallops and stuff...total west coast...but it made me really sick...like...I was on the toilet all night." Cool...so...what should I order?

--at the big Honolulu College Fair, a girl came to my table to fill out a college grid, and in looking at her paper from her last table, which was the Paul Mitchell School, she'd checked "yes" that they had her major of interest, which was, in her words, "color hairing."

--same college fair, direct quote: "How much people is enrolled in you guys?"

--high school visit, written in caps, in pencil, on a Drug Free is the Way to Be poster: "IF YOU SPEAK OUT YOU WILL GET LIFE."

And now, some photos.

"Hey, want to get a coffee?"
"Sure, but I have a baby shower later, and I have a really large gift with a giant stuffed dog. Someone will likely steal it if they see it unattended."
"No worries, just bring it in to Starbucks, and we'll put it between us for safekeeping."


"I keep losing my cell phone in my purse. What should I do?"
"I think you should clip it to your belt."
"That's way too far from my face."


"Hey man, what are you up to?"
"Just watching the crucifixion and drinking my Jamba Juice at the mall."


"Dear Bangkok, We're a local Hawaiian Thai Restaurant, and we're looking for your vote."



And this, my friends, is fricking fried spam musubi. Spam musubi is my favorite island treat...it's just spam, usually cooked in teriyaki and sticky rice wrapped in sea weed, and this, my favorite restaurant on Maui, decided to fry it. IT'S AMAZING. It's amazing. I'm so happy about it.


And by far the weirdest part of my last few days...

I am approached out of the blue by boys, nice or not nice, once every 250 years. This past week, it has happened three times in the exact same place by three completely crazy guys. Here's a little preview: I have a standing date whenever I go to Chicago, free coffee whenever I go to Maui, and a freestyle rap that's being recorded in my honor. But more on all of this next time, because I have to go to another high school.

I'm almost home, and I can't believe I didn't write anything this whole time, so here's some things about traffic and the radio.

I can tell you this much...I have successfully filled every instant of time I've had out here on Fall Travel, as not to completely lose my mind. But that means I've been neglecting writing down these funny occurrences. No worries though, because I made several voice notes along the way to remember to tell you all several things.

First of all, let's just put it out there--I've been traveling in Hawaii. And it's for work.

"Wow, it must be soooo (sarcastically) hard having a job that takes you to Hawaii, I'm soooo (sarcastically) sorry."

Well, jerk, it is hard. I mean, there is no more pretty place to be completely, almost overwhelmingly busy, but really, travel out here is completely, almost overwhelmingly busy. Here's a typical day on Oahu:

--wake up between 5-6
--get ready (don't shower unless it's the third [or fourth] day)
--sit in two hours of traffic
--visit a high school
--sit in more traffic
--visit a high school
--traffic
--high school
--traffic
--high school
--find a place with free wireless
--traffic
--answer emails for a couple hours
--meet up with students/parents for interviews
--sit in after work traffic
--college fair
--light traffic
--home

You'll notice there's no beach time in there. And yes, I have had a Saturday and one and a half Sundays here, and I've spent them doing Naz church things. I have been at the beach for a total of two hours in the 11 days I've been here. They were a good two hours.

Here's the silver lining--although I'm generally tired to the point of having to drive with the windows down, everyone here is soooooo eeefffffffffiiinnnggg nnniiiccceee...even when I'm running around like a crazy person, I love these people. I mean, I love them to the point of feeling like I could live here someday. And if it were not for the friends that so kindly let me pretend like I live with them, I'd legitimately lose my mind. They are the best, and if I were to be so lucky as to have a second set of parents, I'd fight for these guys.

And the food is so good. I want to be in a place where "salad" actually means "macaroni salad."

SOME THINGS:

Radio here, if you remember from last year, is awful. This time, in addition to playing awful music on an awful look, the DJs are really mean.

For example: the other morning, these DJs were talking about some celeb divorce, and a lady called in. I assume they thought she was going to offer her opinion about Hollywood whatever, but she was not. Here's exactly how it went down:

DJs: Hi,

---hold on hold on...this is better with a picture of them. Like most DJs, they are HILARIOUS ALL THE TIME EVEN IN PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!


DJs: Hello, [whatever radio station]?
Caller: Hey, are you guys still giving away tickets to the Holiday Concert?
DJs: Uhhh...not until 7:10.
Caller: Oh, ok. Thanks.
DJs: [hang up] Wow, someone hasn't been listening.

Of course she wasn't listening...I wouldn't have been either, if I hadn't left my iPod in my room.

But they got even meaner when a girl called in again, also not to contribute to their conversation.

DJs: Hello, [whatever radio station]?
Caller: Hello?
DJs: Hello?
Caller: Uh hi, can I request a song?
DJs: No.
Caller: ........what?
DJs: [at this point, they hear the radio in the background, at which point most DJs nicely ask the caller to turn down the radio] Oh wait oh wait, turn up your radio in the back. We want to hear ourselves.
Caller: What?
DJs: Turn up your radio!!
Caller: ...can you play Just the Way You Are?
DJs: No, we're going to sing, then listen to ourselves on your radio.

The DJs proceed to sing the first few lines of Just a Friend, then pause, listen to themselves through the caller's radio through the phone, then laugh, then hang up. I turned off the radio at this point. But I'm pretty sure I can guess how the conversation went between them:

Boy DJ: We are hilarious, and very awesome.
Girl DJ: I can't believe that young caller didn't realize that radio shows are broadcast with a slight delay, and was so stupid that she wanted to hear herself on the radio.
Boy DJ: I know. That's so basic...I learned that in Radio Show Hosting 101 at my local community college, where I got 11 units toward my AA.
Girl DJ: And to think, she wanted to call in to request a song! What a young idiot.
Boy DJ: At least we are professional morning show DJs and handled it professionally, but with utter morning show hilarity.
Girl DJ: I can only imagine the thousands of people who tune in every morning just to hear what wild antics we'll be up to next.
Boy DJ: And I'm sure they were laughing as we mocked that child for not understanding radio and for trying to request a song!
Girl DJ: They were laughing, and then laughing some more, and probably will Tweet about it later today.
Boy DJ: Truly!
Girl DJ: Let's continue to share our opinions about celebrities, and maybe someone else will try to call in with a legitimate request, and we can show them!
Boy DJ: Oh, we will show the hell out of them!

Something like that, at least.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Here's something weird

Is there such thing as shopping bag hoarding?

I think I have that.

Every time I purchase something, I bring it home, hang it up, carefully refold the shopping bag, and place it, according to size, in my closet with the other shopping bags.

I reorganized them last night, and stopped counting at 100.

I just love them. I can remember a lot of what I bought in them...I like to organize them...I like to reuse them...

I am a shopping bag hoarder. I was going to throw some away, but I totally didn't.

Friday, October 29, 2010

come on anthro


Really? You mean I don't get complimentary standard shipping on orders of $150 or more at Best Buy too?

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I hate Reno.

My two least favorite cities in all of our great country are as follows:

El Paso, TX
Reno, NV

I'll fill you in on El Paso later, but I wanted to take a moment to talk about how I hate Reno so much, and how if you ever go there, I'll think markedly less of you.

Here's a little story: I visited Reno on my Fall Travel No Shopping Challenge of 2009--some of you (ok, only Melinda) will remember that that's why I started this blog in the first place...to document what I purchased. Now that I'm back to wildly and recklessly spending again, I am able to relive some of my worst times with a sense of accomplishment--sort of an "I can't believe I did that" thing. But I did. And it led to me viewing Reno through ash-colored glasses. Or ass-covered glasses. Either, really, because I hated whatever I saw through the glasses.

And most of what I saw was Reno.

I believe that these photos speak for themselves, but not totally, which is why I'm also going to caption them. You know me...so much to say all the tiiimmeee!!!!


Come on, Reno. Come on.



I hate this joke, and hate even more that they sacrificed actual business to make it. No one is going to pull into a gas station with no idea how much the gas costs.



I'm pretty sure this isn't in the Proverbs.



I hate you, Reno.



And I hate that the bathroom I was in had a backdoor.

But I will say that I had three meals of buffalo wings while in Reno, and they were good, but I'm more happy about the chicken than I am about the city, and I would never go back there, even for a MILLION CHICKEN WINGS!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

celebration and uncelebration

I was informed, by Blogger, that my last post was my 100th. Celebration ensue...I just put on some grape chapstick and licked it off. Delicious! I'm gonna leave it to you to decide if I'm serious or not.



And, although I feel like this is all I write about these days, I would like to highlight another annoying mother conversation. I don't know what it is about this year, but these moms are CRAZY. Here is, with no exaggeration, how it went down:

The mom: Your application asks if we have visited the campus...
Me: Yes...
Mom: ...and then it asks for a specific date?
Me: Yes...
Mom: Well we don't remember when we visited.
Me: It's no worries--we can always look it up over here.
Mom: Well she hasn't applied, so she wouldn't be in your system yet.
Me: Actually, we just look up our visitors on the calendar, so if you visited, she'd be on the calendar.
Mom: Ok. So she should check "no" on the questions that asks if we've visited?
Me: No...if you've visited, she should definitely check "yes."
Mom: But we don't remember the date.
Me: It's no problem. Just fill in as much as you remember.
Mom: Well all I remember is that it was before June.
Me: Then you can just put the year.
Mom: I don't remember if it was 2009 or 2010.
Me: Just leave it blank.
Mom: Ok, good.

My actual thoughts:
--the actual date of your visit doesn't make even a tiny bit of difference. We just ask it in case we can't find your kid's interview, so we can look it up by date.
--are you high?
--were you high when you visited the campus?
--did you even visit?

Sigh. This is me every day.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Moms of the world...leave your kids' college applications the hell alone!

This is reality of your daughter in college:


This is, apparently, what 90% of the moms I speak with think is reality of their daughters in college:


Listen, as a non-mom, I admit that I do NOT understand the mom and kid bond, but I also know that many, many, many great moms let their kids apply to college without being overwhelmingly involved. This has been my week.

--About 10 phone calls and 20 emails from moms (only moms, no dads) trying to be stealth in explaining that they are actually the ones filling out their kids' college applications. They say things like "Now, we have been looking over this..." and "Jessica and I accidentally submitted her application too early..." and "When Paul and I talked about submitting his application..."

--At least five calls and more emails from moms trying to make excuses for why they're doing the application process instead of their kid. They say things like "Billy would call you himself, but you know, he leaves at 7 in the morning and isn't back until 7, so he certainly can't call..." and "Well Jennifer wanted to call you herself, but I said I would help her out..."

--Two calls from moms who just openly admitted that they did their kid's application. The first was more ridiculous. It went a little something like this:

The mom: So I had been going over and over the application, and you know, I'm embarrassed to say I cannot remember what Gina's log in info is. I mean, she's gotten so many of these...I just misplaced it.
Me: Well, if Gina wants to give me a call, I'd be happy to reset the password.
Mom: Oh, you can't just look it up? Ok, let me really look.

Hangs up, calls back later.

Mom: So I found the log-in info.
Me: Great.
Mom: I do have another question--I am filling in Gina's involvements, and there just aren't enough lines for me to really show you who she is.
Me: --nothing, because I'm just really surprised that she's so ballsy--
Mom: So how can I submit more information to really fill out her application?
Me: Well, GINA is certainly able to submit an additional resume with her application, if she feels that that better describes her involvements.
Mom: Ok great, so I can just send that into you?

Seriously. That wasn't even exaggerated. She just owned it. It's ALMOST worst that she wasn't trying to cover it up...seriously...it's not something you think twice about??

The second mom was much more rude.

Mom: Hello. We accidentally submitted my son's application before he was finished with his entire essay. I was told to email the second half to his admissions counselor and that the counselor would add it to my son's application. I emailed it, but your counselor did not add it.
Me: Well, your student actually did the right thing by emailing the counselor, and he likely added the second portion of the essay right here in our database, which would mean it is updated, but you wouldn't be able to see it on your end.
Mom: No, I emailed him, and haven't heard a word.
Me: Well, the counselors are out on the road for most of this month, so even if you haven't heard from him, I'm sure he did it. However
Mom: --tries to interrupt me but I just keep on talking a little louder--
Me: just in case something happened in the delivery of the email, how can I get a hold of your student to ensure that we receive all of his essay?
Mom: Well you should probably just call me.
Me: Great. Great. What's your number?

Needless to say (but I'm still going to), of COURSE our counselor had taken care of it. Stop telling me about my job, lady, and please...let your kid do his own application!!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Today, I'm mad about people who try to make you feel guilty via Facebook

I miss the days when Facebook was about telling me about how your day is going, or that you just got tickets to see Pearl Jam.

I'm not even a mom (that I know of), much less a stay at home one (that I know of), so this is more of an "I'm mad FOR you cool stay at home moms, whether you're mad or not" things.

So a friend on Facebook today posted something to the effect of...:

"No one came to my mommy walk today. Oh well, I didn't really want to walk anyway."

As a non-mom-or-stay-at-home-mom, I say the following things:

1--Stop using Facebook to make other people feel guilty. If you want people to come, maybe put "No one came to my mommy walk today...I missed you all...hope you can come next week!" Done. Now I want to go instead of just feeling guilty that I didn't (not really--I don't have a baby).

2--Stop lying to make other people feel guilty. Just say you're pissed if you are. No "Oh well..." statement necessary.

3--Stop assuming that everyone can even GO to your damn walks, and don't make the moms who can't stay at home feel bad. One comment on this post was "Sorry...I was at work." I'm sorry you couldn't come either. Don't feel bad about going to work! Your baby will have adorable clothes because of that.

Another friend on Facebook posted one of those amazing...:

"JESUS IS THE BEST EVER, AND IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT, YOU WILL REPOST THIS TO YOUR STATUS!!!"

1--Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. I will automatically not post anything to my status that tells me I HAVE to. I know it's a childish matter of wills, but damn it, don't tell me what to do!

2--Jesus doesn't care about your Facebook. I think he actually hid all of your status updates. Sorry.

I could go on, but you get it. Let's bring it back to these updates:

"My brother is the bomb!"
"I just went to a movie that was so hilarious!"
"Let's all eat Chinese tonight!!"
"OMG...I just got tickets to Pearl Jam!!!"

Thank you.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I am soooo down with other people's babies!

So I spent the last 20 minutes with about 60 fifth graders, introducing them to private college. They were hilarious. They each fill out an information card when they get in to show that they visited, and after looking over all of the info cards, here are my favorites:



--Mariah Stevens wrote out her name in cursive, then crossed out to print it, and her majors of interest are cooking and tennis.

--Jared Otto’s full address is 11083 SD CA, and his ethnic background is male

--Emily Spitzer’s phone number is 858-0470-245, and her email address is sugahgirl179@

--Brendan Walden’s email address is JeanMarieWalden@

--Peter chose to end his card after writing “Peter”

--Mack Frost filled out a card. I can’t decide if there could possibly be a kid with a name that awesome, or if there could possibly be a kid that is funny enough to put that fake name at this young age.

--Kyle Blakeley lives in the city of Pasao Jenhiz, CA, and chose to decorate his card with the Chanel C’s

--Karina’s ethnic background is softball, volleyball, piano and sports

--Mina Hernandez’s high school grad year is 1.945

--Kendall Cole’s email is soccerlove.mango835@, and he crossed out high school grad year. High hopes.



They also had SO MANY questions. And I just kept answering them, because they were awesome. Some highlights:

--Can you have a dog at this college?

--What if you want to be a cop? Can you have a police dog?

--What if you're blind? Then can you have a dog?

--What's an ethic background?

--How old do you have to be to go here?

--Can you have gum in your classroom?

--If you don't do your homework, what are the consequences?

--Do you have classes for BMX biking?



When I told them that in college, you get to pick your own schedule...

--What if I only want to go to school until 12?

--Can I only go to school on Mondays?

--What if I only want classes for one hour every day?

--What if I want to go to class on Monday, but not on Tuesday, but again on Wednesday?

--What if I want to leave class early?



And when I asked them to guess how many students attended, they said guessed "more than 20," 200, 300, 350, and when I said "guess way more," they guessed 300,000.



Then someone asked if they could get a Master's here, and how long it took, so I explained that we offer Bachelor's degrees, which take four years, then Master's, which take two, and one kid in the front said "Two years? Sweet! I'm getting a Master's!"



I love.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Today, I'm mad about high school secretaries.


Dear High School Front Desk Ladies,

Not to be stereotypical or anything, but I have yet to see a dude work at a high school front desk.

The following things are completely inappropriate to discuss in public, much less when people are walking in and out of your "office:"

--someone defecating in his/her pants
--the process of you cleaning up said defecation
--calling that defecation "crapping his drawers"

As I've said already today, in a completely different context: Those are things that you can only say to your spouse on the phone, and you have to expect him/her to hang up on you.

Also, not that I'm THAT important, but when someone walks into the office and just stands there, someone who's paid to sit at the front desk needs to address that person. THREE TIMES in the last two days, I've walked into an office, stood there and literally had to interrupt your conversations (about crapping drawers) to ask where I need to sign in. I'm FINE with not signing in, but since you make me, acknowledge my presence.

Finally, it's not completely absurd that I don't know where your College Center is. I haven't been to your school before, because your school isn't that important to me. If you came into my office, I wouldn't assume you know where the bookstore is, because I'm not a huge asshole.

I was going to make a comment here about snacking, but I remembered by skirt issue just in time.

With Christ's love,

Shannon

Sunday, October 3, 2010

lap salad

I'm eating salad (gearing up for the Big Push to Not Rip My Skirts with Only My Ass of 2010) at a REAL cute coffee shop in Danville, CA, in between interviewing two girls and my Info Night, and I dropped a piece of lettuce on my lap, picked it up and ate it.

Then I looked at the guy sitting across from me, who was looking at me with absolute horror. He got up soon after, and I think it might be to vomit, because of me.

Is that THAT horrible? I mean, it wasn't like I sucked split soup out of my dress. I just get enthusiastic about food, and didn't even think about it. I'm no waster.

Who knew?

Friday, October 1, 2010

per yesterday's post

...the asstermath (it doesn't really work...I just thought it was funny)...

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Here's how you know it's time...

...for the Special K Challenge:

When you sit down in your work chair, and you (more specifically, your booty) rips the lining of your skirt.

Thank the goodness it's just the lining, so no one can see it.

Special K Challenge...starting October 10. Who's with me?????

http://www.specialk.com/challenge/reso

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

True or false...



...in the car at 10:30 last night, I put cuticle oil all over my lips.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

RI(not)P hair dryer

It shorted out and burned my hand today. I hated it for that. Also, I had to half dry the rest of my hair with a flat iron.
When I think back on this hair dryer, I will only remember the burn and the time that I cut my head open and there was blood everywhere when I was drying my hair. I hated those things.

I hated this hair dryer.

I think I will buy a wildly expensive one next time, just to see what all the hubbub is about. What's all the hubabout?

(As a sidenote, this is how I get into too-expensive-for-my-own-good habits. "Oh, Paige jeans can't be actually worth $200...Prada sunglasses can't be THAT great..." Turns out, they are, and they are. And now I can't buy jeans at the Gap or sunglasses at Target ever again.)

Monday, September 20, 2010

Haters...you can kill yourselves.

Her words...not mine!

I hate to love it too, but not really, because I listened to this probably 100 times while I was traveling last week. IT'S.SO.CATCHY. And it's about time someone sampled this song!!!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Living someone's dream at the college fair

I don't know whose dream, but I know it's someones. Here are some things:

-A really, really business-oriented mom bustled up to me and said "Do you have Kinsey-ology?" Credibility lost. Stop pretending like you know what you're talking about.

-Two sophomores stood at the booth for at least 10 minutes looking through and through and through again our general info brochure, assuring me they had no questions. Then one of them stopped on a page with an ocean pic and said "Yep...this is my favorite page." Then they left.

-A kid from the host high school made his rounds at the tables, then left, and came back with a big box of loose candy, which he proceeded to try and sell to other students and parents. There was no indication that it was for any type of fundraiser...he was just selling candy. My friend Tim and I played a little game to see who would buy and who would blow him off (hey girl). There were more of the latter (heeeeyyyy girl).

-A girl came up to the table and asked if we had architecture, to which I replied that we did not, and she was getting ready to leave, when her friend saw our brochure major list and said "Oh my gosh, you have interior design???" At that point, the architecture girl came back and goes "Oh then I will fill out a card, because I want either architecture or interior design!!" Girl...that's like saying you want to either study bio-chem or taffy-making. Seriously?? Don't even worry about it...you're not going to be an architect.

-One kid came up to the table, staring at the display, which says PLNU at the top, and finally said..."Pluh...pluh...wait, HOW do you say the school?"

Home in four days. Hooray!

Mama's mumu

I'm in a coffee shop called Maui Wowi, and there are ladies practicing the ukulele singing Mama's Mumu.
Excellent.

There's a single dad with his two cute daughters, and he keeps looking over at me whenever his kids say something funny with an amused look. That part is funny. He also keeps looking at me when he thinks HE says something funny. Not funny.

Kid: I had a bloody nose today at school...
Dad: So what else is new??
Looks at me smirking, I look up and smile uncomfortably.

Kid: I thought it was snot, but it was blood.
I actually smile, because that's funny.
Dad: You thought it was snot...typical!
Looks at me smirking, I look up and smile uncomfortably.

This happens about 4 more times.

Kid: Can I have a drink of yours?
Dad: You are drinking everyone's drink but your own!
Looks at me smirking, I stop looking back.

This is another reason I will inevitably die young...I just go along with whatever is going on for a long time.

"I need a COAT, mother f-er, don't you EVER forget!!"

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Here's something I hate:

When people edit, then specify abbreviations, like:

OMgosh!
WTHeck??
TGoodnessIF!!!!

I hate this for several reasons.

1--It basically ruins the abbreviation in the first place. No one says ASAPossible, or FYourI. At the point that you spell out one word, there's no reason for the abbreviation. Just say it all! Then you'll really show them.

2--I get it already! You don't swear! You don't need to hit it home again. If you type OMG, I'm not going to all the sudden assume you've started taking the Lord's name in vain. It's gosh. You only say gosh. I get it.

3--I hate it.

That's right...the third reason I hate it is because I hate it.

TTYouL!!!

Money for nothing, chicks for free

DON'T SAY THAT TITLE LIKE THE SONG...just kidding. The title has nothing to do with this entire post.

So I got to see some of the Today Show when getting ready at my hotel/motel this morning, and caught the lucrative "Home Decor" segment, where they had some sort of expert (how do you even become a home decor expert??) talking about home decor myths (which I also don't really think exist). At one point, Ann (do you like how I call her Ann like we're friends or something? I do see her more than many of my actual friends, I guess.) said (one more parenthetical aside!!) "So next, truth or myth: Lamp design isn't important?" The expert was literally laughing and said "Ohh ho ho ho myth!!!!" like this was something that was actually important and actually funny. Inside lamp joke. Good one. But really, not good, because it's not funny, even to lamp lovers.

So one of the high schools I visited today was in ASB/StuGo/whatever you called high school student government election season, and let me tell you...high school student campaigning is pure genius.



1--What??
2--I don't follow the logic, but nice use of color, D.



1--What??
2--Sometimes, Dylan, spell check doesn't cut it.
3--I get it...freshmen boys will read things that say Victoria's Secret, and then laugh a little about it...and then probably vote for Dylan.


1--YES!
2--You know she's been waiting forever to use this officially, because it's come up A LOT throughout her life.
3--Come voting day, count me for CHEW!

1--You lost me at Vote A--
2--Really? Colored paper was all the creativity you could muster?
3--BORING.


1--These kids likely weren't born when these commercials were on TV.
2--Sorry your last name looks like Occult a little.


1--I like the glitter!
2--Also, nice rhyme. There was no better way to make this sign.
3--But I hope Dana's name isn't pronounced "Dan-uh," because that will be confusing in the voting booth. "I know it rhymes with bananas..."


1--Sorry I blurred your poster, but a kid walked out of the bathroom and scared me when I was taking the picture.
2--Cool pic of you at the Grand Canyon.


1--So you went with the M and the A in red? Huh.
2--Nice highlight of the :)'s...let's emphasize those even more.
3--Adding the "Just go ahead and" really didn't even out the meter of the rhyme at all...but I like the effort.


1--Poon
2--A little heavy on the text, Darren.
3--But really, you can't argue with results!


1--Don't you think this is a little presumptuous?
2--Was Chew born when Pikachu was a thing??
3--Is it STILL a thing?
4--I liked the Chew Chew better.


1--Dana...this is old news.
2--Like, I don't think it's been on commercials for 10 years old news.


Aaaaaand...on way out of town, no where near a school, which, I think, is the only way this would make any sense:

Hold on, I can't turn yet...I'm still reading the many, many restrictions on when I can turn. What time is it? Car crash.

Monday, September 13, 2010

on the road...AGAIN

Don't you dare say that like the song, because that is NOT what I'm going for.

Hello. I'm tired of fall travel, and it's my first day. I think it's because I am now like 15 years older than the average counselor. But at least there are weird things to write about.

I hate and love overzealous sports fans.

So on my flight last night, there was this lady dressed as though she were an actual Giants player...tight white pants and all. She stopped every few aisles while boarding to ask people if they were at the game, then, regardless of their answer, she'd talk to them, in "I know a lot about this, can't you tell?" detail, about players, games, stats, blah blah blah. No one cared, OR everyone was too creeped out to have that conversation with a complete crazy lady stranger. Then, no lie, she tried to start the "Here we go Giants, here we go!" clapping cheer 12 times on the flight. Weird thing--she only did it when the flight attendants and pilots were on the PA. No one joined in, but she kept yelling "COME ON YOU GUYS!!! COME ON!" I don't even think she was drunk, because I saw her more than an hour later at the train for the BART, and she was doing the same thing, but weirder. It was just me on one side, her across from me and a guy standing like 10 yards (sports measurement!) away, and she yelled to him "Did you catch the game??" He said he did, and looked away, but no worries, because she just walked over to him with an arm in the air and said "Ok, we have to do it..." which made him look pretty nervous, because her arm was in the air and all, and he said "Do what?" She said "THE HIGH FIVE!!!" Then she did the same thing that she did on the plane..."player player score score blah blah." He just stood there, but she didn't care. I love her enthusiasm, and hate that it's wasted on something that has no value to society.

Coffee shops are full of weird people in the day time.

...also called...

Don't you all have jobs?

I am sitting one table away from a group of three 50-60s men, one of whom is either a huge ass or just crazy. I can't tell. The other two men are somehow his employees, and he's been using this last hour to catch up with them, and to impart random bits of wisdom.

For example:

"If you make ten decisions, you make one wrong. It's a statistic. You find the wrong one, and you go "OOPS! What's the mistake?" And you learn. So if you can make it a little more user friendly, we're winning all around. Ok, so what else on Hummingbird?"

"Bingo. If I had a cigar, I'd give it to you."

"That's fine. That's fine. It's not approved."

"You need to call the trailer company to get it fixed. I don't see you writing that down."

But he's saying all of this like a huge jerk. Seriously. Everything I said with this "you two are dumb...thank God you have me to guide you" tone. I can't tell if the guys are mad or what. I'm mad for them. The guy also says all of these things looking over his glasses, which are about to fall off of his nose...intentionally.

"Ok, you guys can stay here and talk if you want, but I have a meeting, so...whatever."

Also, some other guy just started playing the piano like 40 minutes ago. He doesn't work here.


So now it's just the two guys who were being enlightened/lectured, and one looked at the other and said "That was rough."

Totally, man.

And in conclusion, I can't stop singing this song recently. Here is one of the worst versions of it, but it's all the interweb had for us. It's worth a Google and actual listen. And don't take it personally...you're obviously exempt!

Friday, September 10, 2010

reflections from the front desk

So to cover while our normal front desk person is in training, I am at the front desk this morning (and by "this morning," I now mean last week, because I forgot to post this). Here are my reflections.

"Good morning...are you here for the tour?"
"We are!"
"Great. Where are you coming from?"
"La Mesa."
"Oh great, so not too fa--"
"Actually, silly me...it's Alpine. We're from Alpine."

Someone just came in with a two baby running stroller (over-achiever) and handed me payment for the early childhood center, which is on campus, but nowhere near this building. Then they just left.

It smells like a sick blend of the upstairs coffee and the downstairs coffee.

"I'm here to pick up my tickets for the Magic Mountain event."
"Oh great--you'll just want to go inside to Catharine."
Immediately, he comes back out with Catharine, because the tickets are right beside me, and says "So how does this whole Magic Mountain thing work?" What?? It's an amusement park! You just get there and go on rides and stuff.

"Hi, can I help you?"
Guy points to Bluetooth. "I KNOW, I KNOW, THERE'S NO GOOD TIME FOR SOMEONE TO PASS. UH HUH, UH HUH, WELL PRAISE THE LORD THAT SHE WENT WITHOUT A LOT OF PAIN. PRAISE THE LORD. OHHHH THAT'S THE WAY I'D LIKE TO GO! YES, YES, UH HUH, YES, WELL NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT WAS HER TIME, SHE'S STILL SOMEONE'S GRANDMA, AND SOMEONE'S...MOM...YES...OH YES THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A GRANDMA HUG OH HO HO HO HHHHO! YES, WELL WE'LL TALK. I JUST WANT YOU ALL TO GET THE MOST OUT THE FACILITIES, AND MY STAFF. OK, OK GREAT. JUST GREAT."
Stop yelling. Stop yelling about a someone dying.

A certain middle aged lady from the office next door has walked by me three times and not only ignored my "good morning," but also refuses to make eye contact.

Some full grown girl with the voice of a tiiiny child just came in and said "Ok, um, hi, is there an envelope for me here?" There is, but tell your voice you're an adult, because you're creeping me out. Go to iTunes and listen to any Joanna Newsom song. That's what she sounded like.

Overheard from the secretaries at the counter next to me, but it's behind a wall, so they can't see me: "Ok, be honest. Which over the counter hair color brand is best?"

I love it. Old lady talk!

Friday, September 3, 2010

phone conversation

Me: “Right, so you’ll need to email Mandy. Do you have a pen handy?”
Lady (with kids): “Yeah, go ahead.”
Me: “It’s Mandy—m-a-n-d-y, Hong h-o-n-g, @cox.net”
Her: “At what?”
Me: “cox dot net”
Her: “………um………oh c-o-x?”

Friday, August 13, 2010

a dream fulfilled

This week...this week...I can't even say it. Just look.




See those two people standing right of the walkway on the bottom, one in a blue shirt, one in a red?

Those, America, are my parents, and they're holding a sign up for me.

I was greeted from the OF webcam. This is truly one of my finest moments.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Reasons I hate today:

--this CRAZY mom came to visit, and due to a slight miscommunication, flipped out, and complained to the VP about one of our employees, which resulted in me having to leave a meeting to calm her down and apologize, only to have her lecture me.

2--my boss (I know you're out theric) is in KC, but none of us knew that, so we've been lying to people all day about him being in later. I mean, I'll put it on the calendar for you--just tell me.

3--after three requests (threequests), I was told by telecommunications that they don't have time to send me the new employees' long distance codes right now. Hold please...isn't that your job?

4--I had to sit through an hour long "safety training" from campus public safety that included jokes about Holocaust survivors and phrases like "Anyone here ever heard of Virginia Tech?" and "Do you think Public Safety will be there for you if there's a shooter on campus? Probably not," to which I respond, in order: "Yes. I have heard of Virginia Tech. You asking it in that manner is not funny and mildly offensive," and "I cannot believe you are paid."

5--someone called to let us know that someone he referred to the Naz will NOT be applying because her paid-by-Admissions student tour guide told her we "weren't really religious here" here and advised students to "sneak out and drink margaritas in OB." This 100% did not happen. I mean, there is literally 0% of a chance that this could possibly happen.

6--I opened up a pack of Gobstoppers, and they weren't as good as I remembered them being when I was a kid.

7--our Marketing, who is very generally on the ball, is OFF the ball today, and has sent me three proofs with big time problems. I get that the copywriter is on mom-ternity leave, but that doesn't mean that you can just get away with not writing new copy, or not having someone look over the copy.

7--I just realized that I actually lost the first speeding ticket I've ever received (last month) and have no idea what to do about that.

8--I now have to stay lateRRRR than I was already going to, because I took 8 minutes to write this.


But it was worth it, as this and the cupcake that Debi brought me were the best parts of the whole day.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Oh yeah...just because I only had one post in July.

I felt like I needed to post four times in one day because I only posted once in the whole month of July...mostly because I was gone for most of it.

Here's what I've been meaning to say: I am SO MAD when I hear a great new song by a band I actually really like, then find out it's from the damn Twilight soundtrack.

I HATE IT IN CAPS!!!!!!!!

I feel like bands and musicians and whoever picks that music for the soundtrack is betraying being awesome by being at all connected to Twilight. And don't try to tell me it's be being a music snob--sell out to any other movie. Score The Squeakuel, for goodness sake. Just not Twilight.

Shan Diego

It's official...I have now lived in San Diego longer than I've lived anywhere else. This is a big deal, because I'm of the (correct) opinion that you can't say that you're from somewhere until you've lived there for the majority of your life.

Boom.
Roasted.

Shan Diego for life (my new tattoo in Hebrew...it's so beautiful).

If I could marry a girl...

...which I now can, in my home state (more on that soon) of California, it would be this girl. But I'd also have to be gay, which I'm not. But if I were...if I were...look out.

What??

So when it comes to “favorites,” I’m generally like a child—whatever I love now is my CAN’T-GET-ENOUGH-EVER-FAVORITE!!!! thing. However, there have been some favorites that have been unwaveringly on my list for so long that they’ve built up enough credibility to be considered Actual Favorites, as opposed to Now Favorites.
I know…complicated. I wouldn’t say that I’m high maintenance…just unusual maintenance.
But those Actual Favorites are things that I have, from moment one, loved, and have never NOT loved. Mint chocolate chip ice cream is one, the color black is another—I’m pretty sure nothing will ever top these Actual Favorites. And as far as music is concerned, Imogen Heap is, unquestionably, an Actual Favorite. Since I was first introduced to her (small, totally unprofessional shout out to my mix-tape friend, Britton Dennis), I have LOVED her. I immediately purchased anything that she’d ever released, and have kept up with any and everything she puts out there, including several really weird compilations and movie soundtracks. Seeing her live has been a life’s goal since I learned she existed in the early 2000s, so when I saw her on the Coachella 2010 roster, I almost died. Not really, but you get it. And after seeing her there and hearing she was coming to San Diego, I did die. Again…you get it…but it’s not really right to talk about her without extreme hyperbole.
Some words on the venue: Humphrey’s is an outdoor, seating-only venue. I generally prefer stand-as-close-to-the-stage-as-possible scenes, but somehow, it worked. The venue is beautiful—right on the Bay, extremely well-kempt (is that redundant?), and, especially for an outdoor venue in the middle of a community, has excellent sound quality. I would go there again any day. They also have a nice, grassy, behind-the-seats area that’s perfect for dancing like a crazy person when your favorite song is played, at least until security (very nicely) asks you to sit back down (another unprofessional shout out to my friend Mary Rath, who didn’t let me crazily dance alone).
Some words on the set list: here’s something I haven’t seen before—Imogen (do you like how I refer to her on a first name basis, like we’re friends?) let her fans pick the set list by voting on her website. Everything I voted for was played in her more-than-20-song set. Thanks, Imogen. And the list included songs from her new album, some old favorites, and even a song from her former collaboration, Frou Frou. But that fact alone set the tone for the whole show, which was even more personal and intimate than many smaller shows I’ve been to.
Some words on how personal and intimate it was: Before her even started her set, she personally introduced her opening acts. In addition to her set list being fan-shaped and representative of her whole career, she took time to connect the audience to each song. We learned about “Bad Body Double” being inspired by a look in the mirror. She split up the audience and had us sing her background vocals in “Just For Now.” She even called out to the audience for a musical phrase (which, weirdly enough, turned out to be, in true 70s porn style, “bow chick a bow wow”. And I thought I had the most Mai Tais...just kidding.), around which she shaped a just-for-us-in-San-Diego song, that she actually released on her website, which you can purchase to benefit the San Diego Zoo. She was extremely audience-friendly, and interactive, and when it’s just one person on stage, it makes it even more meaningful.
Some words on the quality of performance: Unreal. Amazing. Memorable. Beautiful. The best. There aren’t enough words.
Some words on the music: She played every one of my most-playeds, which was amazing for me. She played them alone, which was amazing for the world. She rocks so many instruments (keytar!), so many weird things (including the tree, which made an appearance at Coachella, and something that, were I more musically trained, I would know, but looked like a plastic snake that she just swung around and that sounded like a loud hum), and loops them all so well…I could’ve been listening to a studio track. But it was live, which made it all the more (I’ll say it again) amazing.
One thing that was annoying: all those people yelling “Play Hide and Seek!!!!” It’s not like she’s NOT going to play Hide and Seek. Come on. Give her a moment to get to it.
Some words on how I feel about Imogen Heap: I LOVE HER. I want to be friends with her. I feel like we’d get along really well, and could maybe share cute tops and appetizers at restaurants. Also, her music is inspired, and being in the presence of her creating it life was something I will never forget. If I ever quit my 9-5, I’m taking a year to follow her everywhere (on tour…not in a creepy way. Or was the appetizer thing already too much?).

Steve Earle's wife

...but don't tell her I called her that.

As a lifelong, self proclaimed “Country Music Disliker” (couldn’t go as far as to say “hater”…I mean, who doesn’t love Garth Brooks a little bit?), I have generally avoided the genre. There are no country stations on my car presets, I haven’t ever been to a country concert, and I can’t remember the last full country music album I purchased (when was The Hits: Garth Brooks released??). But Allison Moorer showed me what I was missing by ruling out anything with “country” in the genre field on iTunes.
I mean, she didn’t actually call me up and say “Be more open minded, ass!”, but she may as well have.
Allison Moorer’s newest album, Crows, may be classified as “country,” but I’m classifying it as “amazing.” I’m typically a music first, lyrics later person, and it’s easy to fall in love with this album on sound alone. Other reviews have called Moorer’s style “haunting,” and I can’t, despite my time in the thesaurus, come up with a more appropriate word to describe the feel of the album. Crows has a haunted, almost afflicted feel to it—when you listen, you feel like you need to listen harder, or more intently somehow, to be sure you can take it all in. Her sound is full and at times, pleasantly complex. This is an excellent nighttime road trip album, but wouldn’t be the best “listen to in your cubical” album. The melodies take some unexpected turns, which keep you interested, and listening to it at any muted volume isn’t going to do it justice.
But although she won me over with the music, her lyrics aren’t to be ignored. Moorer is tricky—for example, “Broken Girl” has a free, happy, summer sound, but the lyrics are serious business. “Storms gather in her head sometimes/all the sun is pushed aside/by the clouds that creep into her mind… ”…Moorer communicates (beautifully) the struggle of a tormented girl who does her best to seem peppy and upbeat.
The album has many of these moments where you feel like you’ve uncovered a little secret. “Should I be Concerned” sounds just bluesy enough that it could be a number one single from Alicia Keys. “When You Wake Up Feeling Bad” has the makings of an excellent sing-along-in-the car song, and has those lyrics that will make every listener think “Mmhmm…I know that feeling,” (or something like that…I may be the only one who actually thinks in terms of “Mmhmm” and “Nuh uh”.) I’m hesitant to even name a favorite, as each track has “favorite” potential—even “The Stars and I,” which has a little more twang than I’m generally comfortable with.
So overall, thank you, Allison Moorer, for showing me that “country” is more than twang, boots and leaving your lover down in Texas. I thoroughly enjoyed this album—several tracks are already making their way up my Top 25 Most Played playlist. It’s a must have!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Although I should actually be doing the 11 hours of work I have to do today, I needed to say...

...that I thought my phone buzzed with a text message last night, but it was really just my stomach growling.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Today.

I hate meetings, but I have so many, and I have to go to them. It's my jobligation.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Advertise Rules I Just Came Up With

So my workplace has an Advertise email list.

It's not complicated...it's just like a company Craigslist--people post things they need or are selling, and we all get an email about it. In the last 20 seconds, I've come up with these rules for the Advertise list. I only highlight the time it took me to come up with these because I cannot understand why our actual place of employment hasn't also come up with, and enforced these rules.

Rule 1--If you have a bunch of stuff to sell, put it in one email.

In four days, I received separate Advertise emails (all giant, because they had separate photos) from the same person selling the following items:

-Marantz AV Pre-Tuner AV 9000
-Shaker cup
-DECORATIVE BOWL
-STAINLESS STEEL MIXING BOWL
-CERAMIC HEART DISHES
-PAMPERED CHEF PASTRY CUTTER & KITCHEN SHEERS
-CAKE DECORATING SET
-GLASS LEMONADE PITCHER
-CERAMIC SHELL BOWLS
-PLASTIC FOOD STORAGE SYSTEM
-BLENDER BOTTLE
-CERAMIC SHELL BOWLS (a second time)
-PLASTIC FOOD STORAGE SYSTEM
-4 SLICE TOASTER

First of all, why do you have so many ceramic bowls? Second, stop inconsistently using caps. Third, if you REALLY feel like people are going to buy this stuff from you, just put it in ONE EMAIL so I don't have to hear that "email alert noise" a hundred times, and my mailbox fills up more slowly. And finally, what the hell is a Marantz AV Pre-Tuner AV 9000?

2--Only send one email a week.

This rule is just to further emphasize how annoying the above situation has been.

3--If you're not selling something, or looking to purchase something, don't put it up on Advertise.


Using Advertise to try to get us to sign your petition to keep televangelists on the air is totally inappropriate. This happened a couple of weeks ago. Also, there's no law on the books to take televangelists OFF the air...that was a joke email started just to piss people off.

Another example: this is the subject line of an Advertise email that went out once: (can you use two colons in one sentence??)
"Subject: Help eval. Stamps/This is NOT an ad"

If this is NOT an ad, AND you feel the need to tell me that in CAPS, DON'T put it on ADvertise.

4--If you're going to sell something, just sell it. Don't tell me why selling it makes you so awesome.

"Subject: Private clothing sale

I've lost a bit of weight, and as a result have several wardrobes of
clothing - nice work and casual pieces - that I would love to sell to
help fund the purchase of smaller sized clothes. :)

Very reasonable prices - most items are $3-$5. And I've got bags of
clothing in sizes 12/14, 16/XL, 18/1X, 20/2x and 22/3X.

It's worked really well to set appointments for individuals to go
through the clothing in their sizes - which allows time to sort through
and try on before purchasing. And I have a box of "freebies" that I'll
allow each paying customer to go through!

Please let me know if you're interested in setting an appointment."

I went ahead and re-worded this email, so it says what she meant it to say.

"Going though tough times? Putting on a few extra pounds?
Are you fat? Well I'm not! If anyone out there is interested in clothes I used to wear when I was fat, call me! And not only will you feel bad for having to acknowledge that you're fatter than I am, you also have to rifle through trash bags, then pay me for the clothes! In fact, let's be sure that we do these appointments one-on-one, so we can both think about how I'm thin and you're not, but not say anything out loud. And, to add insult to injury, I'm going to use your money to buy clothes for myself that you would never fit into. Blessings!"

5--Don't creep me out on Advertise.
This rule could also be entitled "Your own inside jokes and lingo don't make sense to anyone on Advertise, unless your husband is on Advertise, and if so, just tell him when you guys get home tonight rather than sending out an Advertise email."

Sometimes, we get Advertise emails like this (and I don't mean "like this" as thought I made this up, based on reality. I mean "like this" like "this is an exact email I received."):

"We are looking for a lost pillow. It is ben's lovey. We think he may have dropped
it from daddy's shop to the car. It is yellow and has the words "zonk city" on one side and snoopy and Linus on the other. This is his beloved bubo. If anyone has seen, please let us know."

That was the whole email, besides the sender's name, which I have removed. WHAT THE HELL.

Rule 6--It's PLNU Advertise, America. Let's not be so demanding.


"Subject: FW: For Sale - New Blue Mirrored Lenses Aviator Sunglasses

FOR SALE –

NEW AVIATOR sunglasses – BLUE mirrored lenses, BLACK frame
Style is too masculine for me.

Today only, as I start my vacation on Monday. Stop by if you want to see them.

$7.99 (cash only)"

Come on. Today only, stop by, cash only...and I KNOW you're not going to give me my 1 cent back in change. Come on.

Rule 7--Advertise isn't the place to be creative, or political, or super weird.

This one came from a secretary who has been collecting Beanie Babies for Iraqi children.

"Hi Everyone!
Another mystery teddy bear showed up . . . thank you so much.
I will be sure to send it in the next box.

I see it like this:

The Love Formula

1 Iraqi Child + 1 Beanie Baby = 1 less future terrorist

I pray.

Thanks again.
Blessings,"

Yikes.

And thanks for the three separate sign offs.

Rule 8--If you don't understand spelling, grammar, or sentence structure, don't email a bunch of people at a university.

"Subject: Are you hungry? Want free food?
The Edge Luncheon is next Wednesday, April 9.

Are you involved in ministry, do you want to go into ministry. Do you have a calling and not sure what area of ministry yet. This luncheon is for you. Its Free! Wednesday, April 9 at 11:00am-1:00PM in the Fermanian Conference Room. We will be having Hectors burritos. (If you have class come after, or between I don't care just come eat a big ole' burrito.)"

Dear sender of this email,

-You seemed to get the question mark in the subject--what happened in the body of the email?
-The possessive "it's" vs. "its" can be challenging, but we grown-ups really need to be on it.
-There's really no excuse for the unnecessary capitals, but you're not the only one, so I'll Let this one Slide.
-Really? Burritos made out of a bunch of people named Hector? Oh, you mean burritos FROM Hector!! That damn possessive...gets you every time!!
-The last sentence run-on/improper comma use/attempt to use the slang for "old" but by adding the apostrophe that you REALLY needed earlier you actually turned it into "ole'," like a Torero (thank you, USD) would say, hurts my eyes. Stop it.

Love,
Shannon

See? 20 seconds and Advertise is totally fixed. You're all welcome.

Also, addendum: this post is a tribute to Buddy. Thanks for the inspiration. You're a real buddy.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

ALSO IMPORTANT TODAY:

Two posts in one day, and the second one is to tell you this:

I have found myself, multiple times each week, in sheer torture from having to pee SO BADLY, but just not wanting to get up and actually go to the bathroom.

That's stupid.

More than one to make up for my absense:

This one is called "A tiiiiiiiiny bear!"



And this one, I call "Do you think that guy is vomiting?"


Monday, June 14, 2010

The World Cup...

...is totally worth it, if only so I can make "balls" jokes all the time.

Not at work though, because that's inappropriate.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Forever stamps.

Who decided that the damn Liberty Bell was what we wanted to look at FOREVER? Every time I send anything but a bill (which I haven't actually mailed in 15 years), I feel like the Forever Stamp just ruins the whole thing.
I wish I'd been in the loop on this...Forever Stamps would have a picture of a tiiiiny puppy with a bunch of flowers in his mouth, and it would look like he's smiling, but you aren't sure it's a smile...it may be a growl...but it's still so cute...partially because of that mystery.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

So The Tallest Man on Earth isn’t super tall.

How many times a day do you think he hears that? But it’s cool…some jokes are overused because they’re funny every time (this actually might NOT be one of those times, but I’m going to stick with it).

I spend last evening at UCSD’s The Loft, checking out The Tallest Man on Earth. I showed up a little late in hopes that I might miss some of the opener—some band called Nurses who I hadn’t heard of—but I managed to time it just wrong, and found my spot right as the lights went down for Nurses.

Pause for a moment here to comment on the venue. I haven’t ever been to The Loft, and most definitely would never have been to The Loft, had it not been for an exceptionally kind UCSD lab assistant who found me wandering around the poorly lit campus and showed me where to go. Dear UCSD: Please expend some of your newly increased student fees on ANY semblance of signage. Love, someone who gets lost in her own neighborhood. So I did eventually get there, and was surprised. It SEEMS like a cool venue—a beer and wine bar, a boothy-couchy seating area, a few tall tables, a good sized standing area and a short stage—but it’s tricky. If you sit at all, you can’t see anything. People talking at the bar may as well be talking on stage—the sound really carries. The stage is just short enough that it’s REAL hard to see the performers if there are tall people up front (and somehow, there ALWAYS are). And it’s on a UC campus, so many of the attendees were college students. At one point, I was behind two sets of college dates, the girls of which clearly knew the music, and the boys of which were talking about the only other concerts they’d to—Kenny Chesney and Jimmy Buffett. Awesome (not at all awesome).

So all of that to say that if you ever make it to The Loft (not a given, because you might end up in the Biology department, or some forest, like I did), be ready for a younger crowd, and be there earlier if you care to see.

But back to what actually matters. So Nurses came out onto stage, and to be honest, I didn’t even bother standing up. It took me about forty seconds into their first song to stand and move up. I don’t even know how to aptly describe them in relation to other music—they’re sort of like a sadder, more serious Vampire Weekend. The lead singer has a similar “I’m young and love life and music and drinking and don’t have a lot to worry about” tone, and made good use of the harpsichord setting on the keyboards…maybe that’s why I thought of Vampire Weekend. But really—take note of these guys—they blew me away! For three people (one of whom was just on percussion), they have a really full, polished sound that will make you stop to listen. And they had these moments of harmonic brilliance that makes me wonder if they’re related. Side note—I just tried to Google them to see if they actually are related, and I got about two million website about nurses…the life saving kind. Different. Anyway. They’re probably not related (but the two front guys do have equally impressive beards), but their tones blend so well—you’ll be impressed. Go buy their album immediately. I was sad to see their set end, and already sent them a pseudo-creepy fan email.

I’m having a hard time figuring out how to write the rest of this, because The Tallest Man’s set evoked two completely opposite reactions that I don’t think I can weave appropriately here. Ok…I’ve decided—first, the music, second, everything else.

So The Tallest Man was all I hoped he’d be. The set list was impressive—a great blend of stuff from the new album (The Wild Hunt—a HUGE winner) and old favorites. His voice is so weirdly harshly-gruff-Bob-Dylan-but-more-accurate that you can’t help but pay complete attention to whatever he’s doing. It was only him on his several guitars, but from time to time, I had to jump up (damn tall guys) to be sure he didn’t have six arms, because I swear there were three separate guitar lines going at once. And he performs like his album—mellow, but still intense, and just overall good. His sad songs were somehow much sadder in person, his mad songs were much madder and his happy songs (…well…he doesn’t really have HAPPY songs, but you know what I mean) were energy-inspiring. There was something about seeing him actually say the words that he wrote that made them mean something more, and that’s saying a lot coming from me, a music-first-lyrics-second-or-maybe-third person. And at one point, I think he played Sade. The music part of the show left me energetic, happy and totally content.

The REST of the show left me drained, annoyed and way over everything.

Something was up with the sound. So I know the sound guy always gets crap, but really, the feedback was almost unbearable at times. The Tallest Man handled it like a champ, though, and played through it as though he didn’t notice it most of the time, while making his own adjustments on stage. But the WORST part was the audience. I left feeling like I needed to apologize to him for all of the following people:

-The Clapper. Not only did this guy clap through EVERY SONG, he often clapped off beat (so maybe not OFF beat, but on the one/three, which is just as bad), which was so unbelievably annoying that I almost cried blood, AND he continued to clap even when The Tallest Man came over to him during a song and said “Hey, this is actually a pretty sad song…” Liking the music so much that you want to clap: okay. Being the only one clapping in the entire venue: nokay. Continuing to clap when the band actually asks you to stop: NOkay.

-The Talkers. There were many. I don’t care if this is a date, or if this is your first concert, or fill in the blank. When the band has to say “This is a quiet one…so you all have to be quiet to hear it…” stop talking. Seriously.

-The Skinny Jeans. Just kidding…that would mean I hated everyone there.

-The Only Girl In The World Who Knows How To Appreciate Music. This girl started off the show sitting on the end of the stage and sit-dancing (to The Tallest Man on Earth…???), which evoked more than one awkward side glance from The Tallest Man as he performed, and at one point, was texting so obviously that he just walked over to her on the stage and just stared at her. She then came back to her friend, who was happily enjoying the show from the crowd, and proceeded to pull and push her (physically), and verbally cajole her by saying “It’s not the same here [three people back, mind you]…you can’t really appreciate it until you’re up there!” until she also went up to the stage to sit, displacing other people the whole way. Then at one point, she actually stood up on the stage and danced. At this point, The Tallest Man said “Sit down…this is really more of a sit down song.” Awkward. Go experience your first beer somewhere else, girl.

-The Awkward Fill-The-Silence Talker. So The Tallest Man wasn’t super talkative. Turns out, this is his show, so he can say or not say whatever he wants, right? Not okay, apparently, for this one guy. Every time The Tallest Man was trading guitars or tuning or taking a moment to adjust, this guy yelled out things like “Hey how are you?,” or “Yeah, play this song!,” or my personal favorite, “What’s better, San Diego or Switzerland?” At that point, The Tallest Man, who had just ignored him at this point, looked up and said “You know, I don’t really think about those things when I’m tuning.” At least this guy took the hint…that was his last comment.

So overall: Nurses was a complete success. Go tell all your friends about them, and pretend like you discovered them if you want, because your music cred will skyrocket. The Loft is a weird venue, and I may never go there again. I forget, sometimes, that an audience can ALMOST make or break an entire show, but…The Tallest Man on Earth is unbelievably talented, and I loved to see that his personality totally matches his voice—a little gruff, a little cantankerous, a lot of depth. I’ll remember him WAY more than the annoying people in skinny jeans.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Hoe-chella

That was me...putting the hoe back in Coachella.

Come on...not really. That doesn't even make sense.

But I did want to actually write about it, in case I forget someday or something, so my children's children's children will think I'm a bad ass!

Coachella…always legendary…always memorable…always for different reasons.

This year was my fourth at Coachella, and it was notably the-same-but-not-at-all-the same for one main reason: it was so, so packed. The festival is always busy, but this year, with the removal of the one day pass (which meant that every attendee had to purchase the full three day pass) AND the increase of venue capacity, Coachella was just too busy. I write that half wondering if I’m mad about it just because I’m not a cool 22 year old anymore, but the general tone of whoever I spoke with there was the same—great line up, great venue—even great weather this year—just too crowded. It’s just not as fun when you have to be in a tent two acts before your favorite just to get close to the stage.

But that being said, the line up this year was just unreal, so overall, it was still overall, great.

I bought the three day pass because of the quality of the performers, but I was really sent over the edge by Frightened Rabbit, my fav-of-the-moment band. Unfortunately, they, as well as several other bands, had to cancel because they couldn’t get out of their home countries because of that damn volcano, so that was a downer.

But again…I don’t know why I keep focusing on things that weren’t great, because there was a lot of great out there.

So after I knew Frightened Rabbit was out, I was most excited about Imogen Heap, then Miike Snow. Both were unreal. I’ve been waiting for Imogen to come to the west coast for about 7 years, and she was 100% amazing—she was totally by herself, and played some acoustic on piano, but looped a lot with wrist mics (what?? yep.), so she’d play a little key-tar, then a little percussion, then ding some brass things hanging from this tree that she brought on stage, and loop it all for these amazing songs that sounded like a full orchestra was with her, but it was just her. Wild. Love. Imogen closed with her biggest hit, Hide and Seek, and her key-tar-synthesizer stopped working in the middle of the song, so she swung it back over her shoulder, and proceeded to finish the song on the piano without skipping a beat…but still wearing the key-tar. This was also memorable because these two college girls (no offense to college girls, but REALLY?) kept saying “Dear Sister,” like the SNL skit that uses the song, then laughing hysterically, and I wanted to hit them both right in the mouth. It’s not even your joke, college girls.

Miike Snow was also a delight. There’s something special about seeing a band or artist when they only have one album out--you know they’re going to play your favorites, and you know they’re going to be so excited. Miike Snow was no disappointment. His whole group came out with super creepy white masks (that they eventually took off). It made their peppy dance music sort of weird and eerie. But I loved it. And I really loved it when they took them off.

The other highlights throughout the event were…
-Jay Z. Obviously, right? He managed to play like 90% of his #1s in his set, and then Beyonce showed up to sing. Oh, and there were fireworks. Come on.
-Thom Yorke. He brought his super group with him, and managed to play their songs and Radiohead hits with the PERFECT balance of “outdoor festival acoustic” and “crazy thousands of people festival rock.”
-Passion Pit. It was just a huge dance party. Nothing but great about that.
-MGMT. Although I’m not super stoked that they’re acting too cool for school these days, their set was great. Especially the older songs. Sorry, MGMT…the last album is just better than this one.
-Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. This was another band that we caught at the beginning of the hype, so they were really excited, really fun and really quality. They deserved to be on the big stage, with their energy and sound.
-Florence and the Machines. Oh wait, we couldn’t actually hear her at all, because she was in a tiiiny tent, when she should have been outdoors on a stage. Thanks for nothing, Coachella and the 2 million attendees.
-Matt and Kim. These guys were a really pleasant surprise for me—I love their singles, but they were great overall. And seriously—the whole band is a guy named Matt and a girl named Kim. I love that. They, unlike a lot of performers, talked to the crowd a lot too, which I loved.
-Vampire Weekend. I saw them when they were brand new at Coachella a few years ago, and it was so great to see that they’re largely still the same—still look like prep school guys, still sing with pizzazz, and still rock their crowd-pleasers. Excellent set.
-Pretty Lights. Again, a dance party, but it was mostly notable because a guy in a full Jesus costume was walking around and dancing.
-Julian Casablancas. This was another guy who I’d really only heard his singles, and I ended up staying for his whole set. He was so great—really talented, really personable. I bought his album on my phone while listening to him.
-Muse. Oh yeah…Muse is three guys. What??? They’re a band that I listen to, I think “These guys are something big…I need to listen to them more,” then I forget, then I listen to them again, six months later, then I realize how much I like them, then I forget… Never again though. The whole band was amazing, the set was amazing, the show was amazing, and I would put the lead singer’s vocals on par with any classical or Broadway or ANY singer—he was SO dynamic, SO accurate and overall amazing. Their whole set was so great. And it’s THREE GUYS. I thought it was like 40.
-Owen Pallett. Watch out for this guy…he’s going to be big someday. Sooner rather than later, I think. He’s this year’s Andrew Bird—plays his own stuff, loops a lot, and is a whiz on the violin. He was great “lay in the sun and just listen” music.
I could go on, but it might be too much.

So all in all, amazing music this year, I really missed Frightened Rabbit, and there were WAY too many people, which automatically meant that there were WAY too many people wearing headdresses, unflattering bathing suits and body paint.

Oh, also, I think we were watching Passion Pit, or MGMT, or some band that was a little dancy, and there was this group of guys in boxer briefs (only) dancing and doing squats over and over and over. I will never be able to forget that…even if I wanted to.