Sunday, December 18, 2011

Dear the whole (first) world:

Things to do when you're about to purchase something, but you suddenly realize that it costs more than the "reasonable" price you somehow arrived at in your mind:

--put the item back. You don't have to buy it at that store...promise.
--purchase the item, and decide that you must have had an unrealistic price in mind. It happens. I thought Advil was going to be like three bucks.
--text a friend something like this: "Ohemgee...[said item] is so much more than I realized!!" That way if the friend agrees, s/he can say so, and if not, no big...because you haven't physically confronted anyone.

Things NOT to do when you're about to purchase something, but you suddenly realize that it costs more than the "reasonable" price you somehow arrived at in your mind:

--say anything like this loudly: "WOW!! FIFTY BUCKS FOR A VIDEO GAME?" or "THREE FIFTY FOR A CUP OF COFFEE? ARE YOU SERIOUS?" I promise you--the answer will be yes.
--turn to the stranger behind you in line and complain about how you just can't believe the cost of items these days. Odds are, that person looked at the price too, and is still in line, ergo they CAN believe it.
--repeatedly look at the price sticker and outwardly sigh, snort, scoff, etc. It's a sticker, and no one with decision making power is observing how you interact with the sticker.

It's not worth it. No matter how many of those things you do, the price of the item won't change, and the person who works behind the counter who very likely did not set the price of the item won't start to like you more.

PS: none of this applies at the Swap Meet. Go crazy out there.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Things I could have purchased instead of "fixing" my car this year

--20 Kindle Fires
--3669 McDonalds 99 cent double cheeseburgers, after tax
--this car AND this car
--8000 meals for the starving Somali kid that Jennifer Aniston says can eat for only 50 cents a day
--a male stripper every evening for a week (I did price it out at work, so if I lose my job soon, you'll know why)
--6.7 round-trip tickets to Istanbul (I really want to go to Turkey...anyone?) in February
--eight annual passes to Disneyland with no blackout dates AND parking (but why would all eight of us drive??)
--59 boxes of my contacts
--572 strawberry pies from Marie Callendars
--a Marie Callendars
--14 floor tickets to Jay Z/Kanye in Vegas

I could go on, but for the sake of my heart, I can't go on. I would have preferred all of those things to investing money in my car this year, especially because today, it stopped steering.

"Oh, you'll probably just have to get a new power steering pump."
"Did that in September."

Fortunately, I had already lined up to pull into my parking spot. It's the little things at this point, right?

"Sure, yeah."

In response, I have written this ode to my car:


I trusted you, you piece of s@!# car.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Here's something you may not know...

...I am obsessive about back-ups.

Not in the dirty way (I mean, that's important too, though.)

I like to have at least five of all of my every-day use items.

It actually didn't seem crazy until I just reread it--wow, right?--but it's true. And I have so-often-used-and-rarely-regretted this specific crazy about myself.

I have the following things in my home, car, office, purse and travel toiletries bag:

--Shout wipes
--chapstick(s...let's be real, I have like 1000)
--nail files/clippers
--Excedrin migraine
--allergy pills (thanks MV)
--a lint roller
--eye drops
--wet wipes
--bobby pins
--other stuff

There are a few other things that have limited circulation--like back-up mascara is only at home, purse and work, and back-up post-its are only at work, home and in the travel get the idea.

I didn't realize that it was too unusual until recently, when someone needed a Shout wipe (so much better than the Tide-to-Go pen...don't EEEven get me started) at work, so I went to my trusty drawer and realized I was out, grabbed my purse and realized I was out, and then went to get some from my car (hg). It felt super normal, but the look on his face let me know that it was not even regular normal.

I don't know! I just like to feel like I'm prepared!!!

Knees are NOT cute

I wish I could submit these last pics to Highlights Magazine where they show those close ups of something and you're left to guess what it is--you know, like

"Oh wow, what is that? A sea anemone?"


"Oh wow, what is that? A leopard skin rug?"


"Oh wow, what is that? Some potatoes?"

"No, those are my knees. I just didn't realize how much they looked like potatoes until now. "

Yeah yeah yeah we all have our things.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Pen 15 Club

I am randomly reminded (not in a dirty way) of being asked if I want to join the Pen 15 Club when I was in elementary school and I laugh and laugh and laugh. Kids are such assholes.