Thursday, March 13, 2014

#missing #plane #malaysia #people #are #nuts

Did you guys know that there's a plane that's missing? 

You did.  We all know you did.

Anyway, I have (also) heard all about the missing plane.  Here are some things we can agree on, for sure:
  • there was a plane
  • it's gone
  • we don't know where it is
  • it's weird
Here are some other things we can agree on:
  • no other things; see below
I REALLY love it when people get all up in arms about any major news story, because it invites the crazies to come out and GET! INVOLVED! on the exact same platform that we normal folk use.  No longer do we have to roam the streets at night to find "The End Is Near" foil-capped population...just check Facebook.

Case in point--I spent my lunch break today on The Today Show Facebook page, just loading and reading more and more comments posted on their article about the missing plane.  And now, I share with you, the gems.

The post: 


 Thank you Judy.  Your theory is noted.


I get you, Candy.  It's like "So many news stories about things happening in places!  OVER it!"  Am I right??

Was just wondering what Shera Warde was thinking about this...but that second reason...seems pretty important...I don't have to post the comment until you remember it...and you don't have to let us know that there was another reason that you don't remember... 

 Kizz as a point--if terrorists got the plane, let's give credit where credit is due.

"I mean, that's for sure the MOST logical explanation.  Right?  Like, what else could be more logical than the plane having an undetected poison gas leak, everyone being affected by the poison gas in the exact same way at the exact same time, the poison gas that's only toxic when breathed affecting the plane's radar, communications, tracking, etc., the plane crashing, and there being no debris?  Right?  Am I right?  But I guess, like, who even knows.  But that's the most likely scenario, probably."


First of all, Karla, "every post" on "every page"?  Come on.  If you're going to fake credibility, at least go with something that's humanly possible. 
"You want to know why I'm posting?  BECAUSE I HAVE WRITTEN EVERY ARTICLE ON THIS TOPIC.  There, that's why." 
Second...this is a pretty detailed, strangely personal theory that you've bought into (read: created in your mind, alone).  And third, really??  This is what you "hope" happened?  I think I speak for most of us when I say that we "hope" everyone is alive and well somewhere, laughing about all of this, just relaxing for a while before showing back up on the radar.  That's what I "hope," Karla.

Ah yes, that's probably what happened.  You know, that thing that happened in that Lifetime movie?  The one based on the guy?  With the plane?  Yeah, just like that, but then everyone dies instead of everyone living in the end.

With one sentence, Donna has really summed up what we're all trying to say.


I mean, you guys, why didn't they call home when the plane was hijacked?  I'm pretty sure that the whole "cell phones don't work at 30,000 feet" thing is null when it's an emergency.

Here's where I would insert a picture of ducks and chickens performing Shakespeare, if I could draw.

 I know, right?  Why didn't we see this coming?

This must be really hard for you, Linda.  I'm so sorry.

Right???  Like, why even have that thing in planes at all?  Because 99% of the time it works really well, and provides valuable information about a plane's flight path and crash details, so like, what's even the point of having it?

ALRIGHT PETER.  Alright.  Enough.

That's...that's not really productive, Dee.

Really, Mariella?  THIS is why you're afraid?  Because you think that on an hour flight abroad, your plane, its crew, passengers, luggage and everything else on it would vanish to the point that the entire world would be waiting on pins and needles for any information pertaining to the possible cause of the incident?  THIS is what keeps you off planes?

 You guys...I think Linda may have had something to do with this.

 Yeah, but how loudly were they hijacked? 

Oh, really Jamie?  YOUR theory?  You just read the facts and came up with that theory?  You didn't, maybe, hear it somewhere, like...I don't know...everywhere?  You just were like "I think I got this..."?  Really?

 Thanks Kathy--now we know.  HEADS UP, ALL.  SEE KATHY FOR INFO.

Shut them all down, Tshombe. 
Wait--you didn't actually give it to us.  Bring it back up, bring it back up!


I KNOW, right?  I mean, if one plane goes completely missing for the first time in a hundred years and it's the first time anything like this has happened with this type of plane, we have GOT to get the message that what we have to track planes is NOT sufficient!  The fact that the technology works on 44,999 of the 45,000 flights that take off per day (cite:!) shouldn't lead anyone to believe that it ACTUALLY works.

And finally...I couldn't bring myself to screenshot the DOZENS of comments just like this one, but let's all hope that no one is saying things like this to the families wondering where the hell their brother ended up.
"Remember it?  So your brother is probably fine on an island somewhere!  But you probably won't find him for like eight years, and he might die...or join a group of rebels/bandits/terrorists/scientists...and he might already be in the future...or the past...wait do you believe in smoke monsters?"

Saturday, February 8, 2014

just the handiest lil spaghetti squash tip ever

Within one year, I went from not knowing what the hell spaghetti squash is, to taking extreme offense at a veggie that would dare to emulate my favorite pasta, to being curious enough to try, to giving up the dream because cooking it was so annoying, to trying one last tip, to wild success, to a deep love of spaghetti squash.

Complicated, I know.

But once I got inspired enough to buy one, I became immediately uninspired by the sheer number of "best ways to cool a spaghetti squash" with 15 steps and steps in between steps and so much time.

But I can't help it--the stuff is so good, and the perfect sauce conduit, which is really all pasta is too, right?? So I tried a bunch of different ways, combined a few, and found the best one.

If you've ever struggled with the deep desire to eat but the lack of motivation or understanding or time or anything that's making you not prep this tasty little dish, I swear to you, this easy cooking method will make life so much better.

1--get a spaghetti squash (this may be harder than you think--somehow I first came home with acorn squash first)
2--cut it in half (use a big knife...and sometimes you have to swing it really hard)
3--scoop out the guts of the halves (seeds and slimy strings)
4--fill one half of the newly scooped squash with water (like a poorly crafted boat)
5--put the other half of the squash back on top of the half full of water (to make a whole squash again)
6--place the water-filled squash in a glass dish or on a plate in the microwave
7--microwave on high for 10-15 minutes (the larger the squash, the closer to 15), until you can squeeze the top of the squash and it's soft

BOOM. Done.

But it's be careful.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Replies to my faithful blog follower comments

Friends, I have been truly blessed by your comments.  To see that my blog posts about my dear, dead Uncle Williams have touched so many of your lives has warmed my heart.

Update: I have yet to receive the inheritance that was promised me, but I have faith that it's coming soon!  I did, after all, send my Western Union form!

Back to the comments:  If only I was able to reply to each of the hundreds of wonderful, very related-to-my-blog comments I receive each day!!  But I would love to take the time to reply to these few, very relevant, very thoughtful, very thought provoking comments regarding my post.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "More e-spam...OR...I'm about to get RICH":
Every person who love their garage and doing work in a long period of
time your garage looks better but the cleaning of
stains, and harsh solvents, you can apply garage floor paint.
Preparing Your Concrete Garage FloorBefore the garage floor paint is preparation of the floor more

Dear Anonymous,

Words cannot express the gratitude I feel for you taking the time to reply to my blog.  I can tell that you truly understand my plight from your thoughtful, eloquent commentary.  Without even me saying it, you know that I am a girl who LOVES her garage.  For me, it's more in theory, because I don't have a garage, but sometimes, late at night, when I'm alone, I'll be lying in bed, thinking about a garage I may have one day, and just loving it.
In those fantasies of mine, I'm constantly doing work in a long period of time, and my garage is looking better, because of the cleaning of stains, and harsh solvents, and I can apply garage floor paint.  It's just so...I don't be so involved in the upkeep of my fantasy garage!

But here's something I am never able to come to terms with--HOW do I even PREPARE my concrete garage FLOORBEFORE the garage floor paint is preparation of the floor more difficult??!!

If you could just explain that, I'd be so grateful.

Thank you!

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "More e-spam...OR...I'm about to get RICH":
It always only means that, if it is not started gradually.

Patients with eczema have skin that is exposed to light, the less
chance you will get a tan or darken. There are basically three ways that folks use this is a pretty heavy substance,
you'll want to perhaps use the oil at least for the first time you try it.

The Mayo Clinic reports that as we age, the fatty substances,
as well as other snack foods.

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Dearest Anonymous,

Thank you for this information!  I really resonate with your opening sentiment--I am always starting things gradually to ensure that it doesn't always only mean that.

I am a little confused, though, as to what in my post made you think I have eczema. not have that.  I am not really sure what it is, even.  But it doesn't make a lot of sense to me that anyone's skin has LESS chance of getting tanned by being in the light--from what little I understand about science, this seems like not science.

I'm also a little confused as to the "substance" you're referring to--am I eating something, or using it on my body?  This has really seemed to take a strange turn.

I do really respect the Mayo Clinic though, so I'll work on the snack thing.  But wait--am I pro or con snacks?  It's just kind of hard to tell.  Please clarify.


Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "More e-spam...OR...I'm about to get RICH":

So, you see, that I would get a loofah and vigorously massage my skin, cutting out large pieces, and stitching the remaining bits back together.
Stretch marks on the buttocks, hips, breasts, thighs, hands, breasts, upper coconut oil for stretch marks arms, under arms and forearms.

At the same time, you will realize that there's stretchmarks as well as aloe vera coconut oil for stretch marks and vitamin E.

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Dear Anonymous,


Anonymous...friend...stretchmarks are a part of life.  No matter where they appear (thank you for the list though--you're clearly very familiar with parts of the body--excellent work), even if they're a concern, they're a part of life.  Cutting out large pieces of your skin is a HORRIBLE way to address this concern!

First of all, missing large pieces of skin is going to be MUCH more noticeable than having stretchmarks, because at least when you have stretchmarks, it means that you have skin.  I guarantee that people will be much less disturbed by stretchmarks than they would be by the lack of them, if the lack of them also entails a lack of skin.

Second, and more practically: using a loofah to cut out any amount of your skin is a really, really inefficient strategy.  I can only imagine how much time and energy it would require to "cut" something with a soft, dull, edge-less item. If you really feel like you have a cut pieces of skin out, using something sharper would save you a lot of time, and probably lessen the pain. 

Third, if you're putting aloe and coconut oil in the gaping skin holes you've created..........just don't do that.  That's a big mistake.

Anonymous, I feel like this may be a sign of something bigger than you or I could handle.  You should really consider a visit to the Mayo Clinic.  If you're the same Anonymous as the last Anonymous who posted (it's hard to tell--apparently it's a much more common name than I realized.  Are you guys Greek?), you already know its reputation.

All my love,

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Re: the check I had to send to a pre-paid gift-card company.

So I had to mail a check to a pre-paid gift-card company, and I included this letter.  

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Card Services
455 South Gulph Road, Suite 405
King of Prussia, PA 19406

2 January 2014

Dear Card Services-

In response to the recent bill for $14.90 I received from you regarding my pre-paid gift-card, I wanted to reach out. 

When I received your bill, I polled the people I know.  While the overwhelming suggestion as to how to respond was to simply ignore the bill, some of the suggestions were pretty creative—my favorite being to send you a check for $20.00, and include an invoice to you for $5.10.

The sheer ridiculousness of that suggestion sheds light on the sheer ridiculousness of the bill I received from you. 

I test drove a car in October, and was told that for my time, I would be sent a pre-paid $50 gift-card.  When I received the card, I took the necessary steps to activate it, and used it for an initial purchase of around $25.  Then I took it to a local bookstore, accrued a $40 tab, handed the clerk my card and let her know to run the card for $25—the remaining balance on the card.  She attempted to, but said that the card was processed for the full $40.  We were both confused, and I told her that I must have been mistaken about the amount initially on the gift-card.  Early Merry Christmas to me—my $50 card must have been for $75!

Just kidding.  The following week, I received the attached letter, letting me know that I owed your organization for the excess charge, and a reminder that it was most definitely for sure my fault that I owed it—the “Cardholder Agreement” was referenced several times.

I’m paying my tab—I would forever regret by stubbornness if this ended up on my credit report and ruined my shot at qualifying for the best iPhone 6 deal ever in the future—but I felt that I owed it to you, to the bookstore clerk, to myself, and to society to let you know this:
Sending people gift-cards for $50, but allowing them to spend more than $50 on it is a really, really bad call.

Here’s why:

1—It makes you all look really shady. 
I’m not saying you ARE really shady, but yeah, it doesn’t look great for any legitimate business to operate by tricking their customers.  You may as well update your “Cardholder Agreement” to say “Congrats—you have $50 from us, OR more than that, depending on if the store where you run your card is able to split payments on more than one card, or if they have a system that runs the card for the amount left on the card.  In that case, liiiike…in the case that you shop at Barnes and Noble, you have an unknown amount of money from us…you’ll just have to wing it, then mail us a check at some point.  Probably.  But might be completely on the honor system…you’ll never know for sure if we would have taken this to a debt collector.  Merry Christmas!!!”

2—No one else does this. 
I like to consider myself a gift-card connoisseur.  I change my favorites every ten minutes, which means that no one is ever sure what to get me, so they get me gift-cards.   I’ve had all the pre-paids—Visa, MasterCard, mystery bank XX, the department store cards, the restaurant cards, the fast food cards, the boutique cards, the individually written cards from shops that give out gift-cards so rarely that they don’t have them mass-produced…and literally zero of them have ever, ever, ever allowed me to “overdraft” my card total.  Do they decline if the clerk tries to run them for more than is left on them?  Sure.  Do they run for only the balance of the card?  All the time.  Because that means that I only spend what’s actually on the card.  Smart.  Imitation-worthy.

3—This just seems like a REALLY bad business call.
What if I’d been car shopping instead of book shopping?!  Your only recourse would have been to sit down, write me a letter saying “Listen, you better send us a check, because YOU OWE US THAT MUCH AT LEAST SHANNON,” and were I not an honest (or credit-monitoring) person, I would have been like “Nope,” recycled that thing and driven off to Mexico in my new (free) VW.   Be honest…could I overdrafted my gift-card for $20,000?!  If yes, please let me know, because at that point, I’m no longer worried about my credit score.

4—Isn’t this also a waste of time and money for you??
I think we can all agree that it’s a waste of time for me—and a check, and a stamp, etc.  But it seems like you guys would have to be getting tired of sending these notices out.  And I cannot imagine that most people receive this and think “Oh, sure, let me go ahead and just send this gift-card company my money for their mistake,” right?  So you are either wasting MORE time and money on the follow-up, or wasting time and money on NOT following up, and having people completely blow you off (like I will always wonder if I should have), leaving you with an unpaid bill for however long, because there’s no due date.

Long story short, my check is attached, so hopefully my credit score will remain untarnished, and I imagine that the feedback of one girl with a pretty small gift-card isn’t even a blip on your radar.  However, it’s my New Year’s wish for you all that this policy is changed to save what I’m sure are countless others from the wasted time, check and stamp as a result of this extremely annoying policy, so I felt like I had to say it.




Wednesday, December 18, 2013

To all riders of bicycles:

Dear bicycle riders,

Let's share the road.


Why?  Because "sharing the road" means we both have the same standards and privileges when we both ride on the road.  So sure, you can ride in the middle of the road even when cars are clearly trying so hard to pass-without-side-swiping-you, and you can hand signal your way across three lanes, and you can wait in the same line as the cars when you're stuck at the light...and when there's a stop sign, YOU HAVE TO STOP AT IT TOO. 

"Oh wait, I liked sharing the road better when it meant I got to choose rules that I followed and didn't."

I know, ass.  So does every four year old, but if someone's baby is riding a bike in front of me in the street, I'm going to call her mom. (wait what?)

Here's my deal: if you don't stop at stop signs, I will likely hit you with my car, and I'll be fine, and you'll die all over the road.  Then after you die, I'll carry around the guilt of killing you all my life, even though the only way I could have prevented your horrible death would have been to stop at the stop sign, like I did, then just stay stopped there for a while, because who effing knows when a bike may be coming and deciding that "sharing the road" means not actually sharing anything, but instead, doing whatever the hell s/he wants?

"But Shan, you clearly don't understand.  A bike is powered by my body, so if I had to stop at every stop sign, it would take so much energy and physical exertion!"

Uh yeah, you're riding a bike.  If expending energy is a problem for you, don't ride your bike.

"But Shan, riding a bike makes my carbon footprint so tiny."

So does walking. And people who walk always stop at stop signs, and I love them.

"But if I walk, I can't get to work fast enough."

Don't care don't care don't care.

"That's why I ride my bike--to reduce my carbon footprint and to get to work fast."

That's so great of and for you.  STOP AT THE STOP SIGNS.  That way, in addition to making the environment better and being punctual, you also decrease your chances of being run the hell over by 10000%*.

*science pending

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

This toilet totally hates you

Dear people,

I'm the worst toilet ever, and I hate you.
You want to protect your hands from the germs that are all over my handle?  NO WAY BITCHES.  You either have to somehow manage a Karate-Kid-style flying crane kick in this 3x3 foot space that doesn't result in you falling into onto my very, very unsanitary floor, or you have to grab a bunch more toilet paper, wad it up, use it as a shield to pull that lever, then drop it in my bowl REAL fast, because if you miss that brief window, you'll have to pull, wad, flush and drop all over again, AND deal with everyone wondering just what you did in there to necessitate a double-flush.
Wearing a pencil skirt?  Try the Karate Kid kick.  Come on.  I dare you.
Oh, and here's another little surprise for you--there's pee drops all OVER my black seat, and you can't see them, because urine-yellow doesn't really stand out on black lacquer (blacquer [you're welcome]). 
"Oh, no problem, I'll notice the slowly spreading dots of suspicious liquid dampening my toilet seat cover when I carefully place it on the seat," you say.
Well joke's on you, jerks.  I don't offer toilet seat covers here, because the handy little space on the wall where it should be mounted is currently occupied by my TOWERING SKY-SCRAPER HANDLE.  So come on, have a seat, and only then feel someone else's cold pee on your ass-cheeks, when it's much too late to do anything about it.  Trust me, if they have the clap, you have it too.
At least my walls are really shiny, so you can watch yourself dealing with all of this.
So yeah, basically this isn't going to be a pleasant break for you.

Best wishes,
this toilet

Thursday, August 15, 2013

The least helpful live chat of all time

I know everyone is supposed to hate the California DMV, but honestly, I haven't had an issue with it.  It's busy, yeah, it's crowded, yeah, you have to wait, yeah, but you know it going in, so it's not like you can't prep for it.  Just bring a book.  I'm for sure that girl who, when people complain about the DMV, say things like "well maybe make an appointment next time," or "I've never had an issue with their customer service..."

Anyway, I was cool with the DMV until JUST now.

I need to renew my license (PS--aren't they supposed to send you something about that?  The only way I knew because some bouncer in Vegas was like "Wow, you just have a week left to renew."  Thanks, stranger who isn't the DMV.), so I went online, filled out a bunch of stuff, clicked "renew," and was told that I don't qualify for online renewal, and to file a mail renewal.


No reason why.

Whatever.  They don't owe me reasons.  I got your back, DMV.

So I clicked the "Contact Us" link, and was given the option to call OR live chat with "an agent."

I'm not sure why I always go for the live chat, but every time it's offered, I try it first.  88/88 times, it just confuses the issue.  Here's the conversation that ensued:

Agent 13:
Good morning! Just trying to determine how I become eligible to renew my license online
Agent 13:
Your license for what??

*This was my favorite part of the conversation, because of the sheer incredulity that Agent 13 displays.  "WHO GAVE YOU A LICENSE?!"

Drivers' license
Agent 13:
Here is their website,

*It was at this point that I knew that Agent 13 was not, in fact, an auto-responding-robot, like I often face on these live chats.  No robot would end a website with a comma, and no robot would direct me to the website on which I was chatting with said robot.

I've filled out the form, but it told me I'm not eligible, so I'm wondering how to become eligible.
Agent 13:
And if you should have problems with their site you can contact DMV 1.800.777.0133.

*There was about a two minute lag here while I waited for the agent to get through my sentence, realizing that I did not have any trouble with the form.  Also...why is there a chat support option if the chat support's role is to direct me to the website, then the phone?

Agent 13:
Call their number.
So there's nothing you can do to direct me?
I'm at work, and unable to call.

*Half true...I am at work.  But seriously, Agent...if I wanted to call "them" (isn't it "our"??), I wouldn't have chatted you.

Agent 13:
Go to their website and click on contact us.
Agent 13:
And see where that leave you.
Ha ha that's how I got here!
Chat Session Ended, Goodbye. (5010)

*1--Take a moment to appreciate the grammatical prowess of "And see where that leave you."
2--Take another moment to appreciate that Agent 13, someone paid to represent customer service for a statewide organization, just told me to "see where that leave you."  Save time next time, and just lead with "I'm uninterested in trying to take a moment to find the answer to your question...figure it out."
3--Final moment to appreciate how I just got chat-hung-up-on.

Of all the bad customer services experiences I've  had, this is easily top five.  Thanks, DMV.  I'm now on board with people totally hating you.