Sunday, December 18, 2011

Dear the whole (first) world:

Things to do when you're about to purchase something, but you suddenly realize that it costs more than the "reasonable" price you somehow arrived at in your mind:

--put the item back. You don't have to buy it at that store...promise.
--purchase the item, and decide that you must have had an unrealistic price in mind. It happens. I thought Advil was going to be like three bucks.
--text a friend something like this: "Ohemgee...[said item] is so much more than I realized!!" That way if the friend agrees, s/he can say so, and if not, no big...because you haven't physically confronted anyone.

Things NOT to do when you're about to purchase something, but you suddenly realize that it costs more than the "reasonable" price you somehow arrived at in your mind:

--say anything like this loudly: "WOW!! FIFTY BUCKS FOR A VIDEO GAME?" or "THREE FIFTY FOR A CUP OF COFFEE? ARE YOU SERIOUS?" I promise you--the answer will be yes.
--turn to the stranger behind you in line and complain about how you just can't believe the cost of items these days. Odds are, that person looked at the price too, and is still in line, ergo they CAN believe it.
--repeatedly look at the price sticker and outwardly sigh, snort, scoff, etc. It's a sticker, and no one with decision making power is observing how you interact with the sticker.

It's not worth it. No matter how many of those things you do, the price of the item won't change, and the person who works behind the counter who very likely did not set the price of the item won't start to like you more.

PS: none of this applies at the Swap Meet. Go crazy out there.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Things I could have purchased instead of "fixing" my car this year

--20 Kindle Fires
--3669 McDonalds 99 cent double cheeseburgers, after tax
--this car AND this car
--8000 meals for the starving Somali kid that Jennifer Aniston says can eat for only 50 cents a day
--a male stripper every evening for a week (I did price it out at work, so if I lose my job soon, you'll know why)
--6.7 round-trip tickets to Istanbul (I really want to go to Turkey...anyone?) in February
--eight annual passes to Disneyland with no blackout dates AND parking (but why would all eight of us drive??)
--59 boxes of my contacts
--572 strawberry pies from Marie Callendars
--a Marie Callendars
--14 floor tickets to Jay Z/Kanye in Vegas

I could go on, but for the sake of my heart, I can't go on. I would have preferred all of those things to investing money in my car this year, especially because today, it stopped steering.

"Oh, you'll probably just have to get a new power steering pump."
"Did that in September."
"Oh."

Fortunately, I had already lined up to pull into my parking spot. It's the little things at this point, right?

"Sure, yeah."

In response, I have written this ode to my car:

ODE TO MY CAR

I trusted you, you piece of s@!# car.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Here's something you may not know...

...I am obsessive about back-ups.

Not in the dirty way (I mean, that's important too, though.)

I like to have at least five of all of my every-day use items.

It actually didn't seem crazy until I just reread it--wow, right?--but it's true. And I have so-often-used-and-rarely-regretted this specific crazy about myself.

I have the following things in my home, car, office, purse and travel toiletries bag:

--band-aids
--Shout wipes
--deodorant
--chapstick(s...let's be real, I have like 1000)
--nail files/clippers
--Advil
--Excedrin migraine
--allergy pills (thanks MV)
--a lint roller
--eye drops
--wet wipes
--bobby pins
--other stuff

There are a few other things that have limited circulation--like back-up mascara is only at home, purse and work, and back-up post-its are only at work, home and in the travel bag...you get the idea.

I didn't realize that it was too unusual until recently, when someone needed a Shout wipe (so much better than the Tide-to-Go pen...don't EEEven get me started) at work, so I went to my trusty drawer and realized I was out, grabbed my purse and realized I was out, and then went to get some from my car (hg). It felt super normal, but the look on his face let me know that it was not even regular normal.

I don't know! I just like to feel like I'm prepared!!!

Knees are NOT cute

I wish I could submit these last pics to Highlights Magazine where they show those close ups of something and you're left to guess what it is--you know, like


"Oh wow, what is that? A sea anemone?"


"OMG! CHILI CHEESE FRIES!!!"



"Oh wow, what is that? A leopard skin rug?"


"OMG! A FULL LEOPARD!!!"



"Oh wow, what is that? Some potatoes?"



"No, those are my knees. I just didn't realize how much they looked like potatoes until now. "

Yeah yeah yeah we all have our things.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Pen 15 Club

I am randomly reminded (not in a dirty way) of being asked if I want to join the Pen 15 Club when I was in elementary school and I laugh and laugh and laugh. Kids are such assholes.

Monday, November 28, 2011

High schoolerrrssssss!!!!!

I replayed this voice-mail 11 times to be sure I got it completely accurate.

Hi, this is XXX, I have some questions about your undergraduate program, so if you could call be back. My number is 909…uhhh…463…909…5 uh 909-463..90995…uh ok…sorry…alright I’ll say it again…90…909…263…90959092639995 ok thank you very much bye.”


We did not call him back, but it wasn't for lack or trying.

Ways to tell that our date isn't going well.

I feel like these things should be so obvious that they should be left unsaid, but, to quote Chad, "let me tell you what,"...apparently they need to be said.

1--You ask me for a deal-breaker, then you embody that deal-breaking quality.

First of all, why are all of my blog posts these days in list form?

Second, why are you even asking about deal breakers? This isn't marriage counseling, and that's a horrible "getting to know you" question. "Hey, so what's your favorite food? And what is something so heinous to you that you'd actually leave someone because of it?" But if you HAVE to ask, I'm not going to hold back...I mean, I'm not 20, and there's no reason to softball that question.

"Deal breaker? Oh, you know, like being so mean or something."

...and I know this isn't marriage counseling, so I'm not going to say something that should be assumed.

"Deal breaker? Having a child with another girl while we're together, then leaving me for her, then coming back with the baby."

So if you ask, I'm going to let you know that I have no tolerance for entitled people because I just don't understand them, and because I have to pretend to understand them all day, every day, so the LAST thing I want to do in fun times is deal with more entitled people.

Did you know? I'm not sure I mention that enough here.

If, after that, you tell me about how you just plan to cruise into your dad's family business when you feel like because you deserve to be CEO, and you deserve to have money handed to you because you're smarter than 90% of the people you know, and then wrap it up by telling a story about how you got a server fired for being too slow because you are so important that you deserve to have a more on the ball server...our date is not going well.

2--You make any comparison between me and someone who bombs abortion clinics.

I am not making this up.

Near stranger: "So you're into the whole church thing?"
Me: "Yep...I go pretty often."
NS: "I tried that thing for a while...was Catholic, then did the born again thing...then was Taoist for a while, and now I'm a pretty active atheist."
Me: "Hmmmwowinteresting."
NS: "Sooo...do you ever worry that someone as smart and cool as you choosing to go to church justifies people who bomb abortion clinics?"
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: "...uhhhh...I haven't ever really thought that...no."

3--English is CLEARLY your first language, but somehow, it's not at all clear.

"My two favorite things are watching sports, playing sports, and winning."

4--I elbow you in the ribs.

-If you reach for my hand and I immediately start carrying my empty coffee cup with both hands, it's safe to assume that I don't want to hold your hand.
-If you keep keep using anything I say to allude to the inevitable next date and I keep saying "...oh I don't know..." (like "Oh your fav is Indian? Well next time, I'll have to take you to Indian food..."), it's safe to assume I'm not as sure as you are that there will be a "next time."
-If you repeatedly try to put your arm around me and I repeatedly step to the side, it's safe to assume that I don't want you to put your arm around me.
-If you try to steer me down another path but I actively turn away, toward the car, it's safe to assume that I don't want to continue walking with you.
-If, after ALL of that happens, you try just one more time to put your arm around me and I elbow you in the ribs, it's safe to assume that even though you say you're want to see me again, I FOR SURE, NEVER EVER EVER do.

I'm hoping most of you were like "uh yeah, obvi," but if you weren't, or if you know these guys (see above), feel free to pass this along. No commission necessary.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Here's something I hate: people who get all up in arms when I say Happy Holidays.

Popped on to Facebook and saw this status:

Not to offend anyone but this is what I believe. (I couldn't really care less if it does offend you) I am sick and tired of every year when CHRISTMAS comes around, there are people who want to take CHRIST out of CHRISTMAS because it might offend someone. Well, how about all of the CHRISTIANS? What about offending us because you are taking our CHRIST out of CHRISTMAS!?!? CHRIST IS CHRISTMAS!!! If you aren't celebrating CHRIST then why are you celebrating? CHRISTMAS is about the birth of our SAVIOR! CHRISTMAS is one of a few holidays left that celebrate my CHRIST! Leave my holiday alone!!! And tell everyone MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holidays! Repost if your not ashamed.....♥
...and...

I'm inviting all my Facebook family and friends to join me in returning to the traditional greeting of "MERRY CHRISTMAS" instead of the politically correct "Happy Holidays"!! If you agree with me, please re-post this message.....MERRY CHRISTMAS...
I have several things to say about this.

1--Choose sentence one or sentence two. If you couldn't care less about offending people, then don't start with "Not to offend..." Also, if you really don't care about offending people, you're an asshole. Have your own opinions all the live long, but you can express opinions in respectful ways that won't offend. If you are respectful and someone still gets offended...their bad. But these statuses aren't running that risk.

2--"If you aren't celebrating CHRIST then why are you celebrating?" Tradition. Family. Presents. Travel. Snow. Christmas movies. Vacation. Those are a few other reasons people could be celebrating. Maybe. Just guessing.

3--Stop yelling CHRISTMAS and CHRIST. It makes me uncomfortable, and people don't like being yelled at. I'm pretty sure anyone not already celebrating CHRIST will certainly not be swayed by you yelling it at them.

4--"Christmas is one of the few holidays left that celebrate my CHRIST." Wait, were there a lot of other ones? I mean, Easter, but that's pretty Christ (I'm sorry--CHRIST) focused still. I don't think there was ever an issue of CHRIST being in Arbor Day, or your mom's birthday. He's still there...don't freak out about it.

5--I know it's super crazy, but some people celebrate holidays other than Christmas.

It's ok--take a moment to process if you need it.

Ok. So I know you celebrate Christmas, and I know I celebrate Christmas, but what about your neighbor who's Jewish? Seems pretty redic to respond to their holiday wishes (maybe they aren't sure which you celebrate, although that's unlikely with all of the yelling you've been doing) with "Merry Christmas"...because they aren't going to have a merry Christmas...because they're celebrating Hanukkah.

6--It seems pretty messed up to force people to acknowledge your holiday of choice when you won't acknowledge theirs.
The only way statuses like that second one are legit is if you greet people with the other December holidays as well. I'm fine with you telling people Merry Christmas around Christmas. Go crazy. But you better say Happy Hanukkah around Hanukkah, and Happy Kwanzaa around Kwanzaa too.

"No way. I don't celebrate those other holidays, so I won't say it. I celebrate CHRISTMAS!"

I get that, but do you really ONLY acknowledge the special occasions that YOU personally celebrate? So on your cousin's birthday, do you not wish them a happy birthday because it's not YOUR birthday?

"Well, no...but I'm sort of celebrating with them...because it's their birthday..."

Then why aren't you sort of celebrating with people who celebrate Hanukkah? It's their holiday.

"Because I'm not Jewish..."

They are. Are you really saying you can't acknowledge any other holidays? And I bet you $38 that they'll wish you a Merry Christmas.

"They DO always wish me a Merry Christmas."

I know. And they don't yell, either.



I'm just saying...maybe people are saying Happy Holidays because they aren't sure which holiday you celebrate, and not as a part of a huge liberal conspiracy to remove CHRIST from our lives. I love Jesus too, but let's all just take a moment and realize that our favorite holiday isn't the only one out there.

Let the napkin do the talking.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Also...

...someone called my work line and left a full voice mail of the Space Olympics song.

I don't know who it was...but I love him/her.

SO excited

You know when you're just SO excited because you've needed a haircut SO badly for the past few weeks and you haven't been anywhere near home and the girl who cuts your hair but you get a calendar reminder that your haircut is TOMORROW??

That is me


right


now.

FINALLY...soccer mom away!

Monday, October 31, 2011

For Anon...

Because some stranger keeps hating on Sir Gravy down there, here's the first thing I could find to blog about: foot Hawaii in real Hawaii. It's meant to be!!

Friday, October 28, 2011

too close to call

Sports reference! This post is about sports!!

Just kidding.

I'm just posting to move the gravy picture further down the page so people won't hate, and to share this:

http://ryangoslingvspuppy.tumblr.com/

It's REALLY tough. I go back and forth every other pic. But seriously...stop wearing so many shirts (puppies and RG).

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Phone conversation

Auntie: My niece is interested in applying, but she may get an F in Calculus this year. Will that affect her chances of being admitted?

Me: Good question...one F on a transcript isn't going to be a decision maker here--while I would encourage her to retake the class for a better grade, the overall GPA is much more important than one grade.

Auntie: Oh, ok...so her overall GPA is...pretty low. Will that affect her chances?

YES. Yes. What did you think this was all about??

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

youguysyouguysyouguysyouguys

Despite the fact that 80% of these posts involve food, I just had to post this because I was thinking about how excited I am for the holiday that largely features...

GRAVY.

ONE MONTH.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Unfortunate.

Thank you so much. Your the greatest!

I'll send this info on to the two girls I working with who live in Camarillo, CA. The are both home schooled and we have identified your school as a good fit for both young ladies.

Kind Regards,

Dave

Educational Consultant

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Alone traveling...and ways to ensure you stay alone

I both hate and love alone traveling.
As you can see from some of my vintage (cooler way to say old--ask anyone) blog posts, alone travel at the end of the travel season can be rough (haunted condotel rooms, bad radio, awkward college fairs, etc.), but in general, I like it just fine. Lots of time to catch up on books on tape and podcasts (confession...I just learned about podcasts yesterday. I'm not joking. I mean, I knew they were out there...people talked about them...but I literally downloaded my first one yesterday. They're SO EASY to get...and they're FREE...and they're ALL THAT I NORMALLY LISTEN TO ANYWAY...just right there. I listened to Amy Sedaris all the way up and back from my college fair and smiled so much. It was amazing.), you get to eat when/where/whatever you want, you aren't neglecting anyone when you go to the gym or to bed early, you can have the TV on all night...there are a lot of ups.

However, when I travel alone, whether I'm loving or hating it at the moment, I get in the alone-zone (rhyme unintended, but appreciated). Work time on the road is 100% small-talk-social-happy-and-excited time, so non-work time has to be non-small-talk-non-social-mellow-and-low-key time, or I'll lose it and start letting swears slip at college fairs, or cry at the hotel check-in desk or something crazy. I know my balance. So if you're like me, or if you're bored at work, here are some tips to ensure that your alone time stays alone time.

1--Stay in chain hotels.
They're generally laid out the exact same way, so whether you're in Bakersfield or the bay area, you can walk, with confidence and purpose (thanks Oprah!), directly to the front desk. That way no one will stop you to ask you if you know where you're going, how your trip was, if you know the hotel serves breakfast (never your best option), what you're up to later, etc. I lived a couple of travel seasons thinking "oh I'm independent, and want to stay at independent hotels!" I did find a couple of gems...but I ended up finding more un-gems, to say the least. Like unsafe, unclean, uncomfortable, unconvenient (I know) places. At some point, it's not worth it. Also, no points. I show my fierce independence in food eaten and purple shoes worn.

2--When you check into a hotel, just walk up, put your ID and credit card on the counter, smile briefly, and start to look for something in your bag.
This says "I've done thing before, I know that this is everything you need, I'm pleasant, but don't want to tell you the type of food I like so you can tell me the restaurant that tips you out to recommend them." The last time I made the mistake of engaging in the small talk, I ended up holding up a line of 12 people waiting to check in while the guy working told me all about how crazy it was last time he went out in downtown San Diego, because he just kept!ordering!shots! So great, so great, stop it because my take out Burmese food is getting cold.

3--Always have a book. Always have a book. Always.
I have no problem eating alone. Other people have a problem with me eating alone. I think people feel bad, so neighbors, wait staff, etc, like to chat it up. Not so with book. They go from "oh look at that girl eating alone...that's so sad that she has no one to eat with" to "oh look at that girl with a book that must be so good that she took her book to dinner rather than a friend." The book is also lucrative on trains, shuttles and while waiting for anything to start. All of the sudden, you're intentionally alone.

4--Never wait at the movies.
Squeezing in the random mid-day movie is the best on the road, and when you're alone, you can see WHATEVER YOU WANT. But again, it can lead to a bunch of awkwardness if you choose a movie, plan it out, get there early, and sit and wait for it to start. There are a lot of the "is that seat taken...?" convos, that, when you answer "no." leads to both you having to sit by a stranger AND the people who just called you our for being at a movie alone judging you. The book does help here, but here's how to nail it. Just show up at a movie and buy a ticket for whatever is starting right at that time. It's the best for several reasons: you don't have to worry about the seat convo (that's pretty clearly the first reason, since I just talked about it for so long), it's already dark for the pre-preview commercials, so no one stares, and, maybe best reason...you can see movies that you'd never, ever be able to see with other people. Not like pornos (unless you want to--to each her own on that one), but cartoons, musicals, prequels, etc., that you KNOW you want to see, but are too embarrassed to admit it. But the key is to arrive right when it starts. Then it's no big that you're alone, and if anyone makes fun of you later, you can just be like "What? It started at the right time...it's not like I waited for it."

I'm sure I'll have more to say about this as travel continues...but "back to the old bump and grind" for now (not my quotation, but a current favorite verbal slipperoo from a phone convo).

Monday, October 10, 2011

iamsoimpatient

My impatience has found an new, extremely annoying way of manifesting. For some reason I have been typin glik ethi sexcessively. Lik eever yemai lwil lloo klik ethis. An dautocorrec tonl ycatche si tsometimes, an dit' sdrivin gm ecrazy. I' msorr yI hav es omuc ht osa ytha tapparentl yI' mno tgettin gi tou tquickl yenoug hfo rm yspace st okee pup.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Running up an escalator is like walking to the front of an aiplane to travel just a little earlier than everyone else.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Scenes from Camarillo...

...because Camarillo is a scene. I haven't been here for forever, but you'd think they still filmed Newlyweds around here, because these people are ready for Jessica Simpson to walk in any moment. I'm sitting in the largest, most luxurious Starbucks ever, just staring at people because I can't help it.
iPad count: 11
Men in gym attire on the phone having "important business conversation": two
Professional DJ headphones plugged into MacBook Pros: three.
People "dining in," and drinking coffee out of actual ceramic mugs: two
Guys in kilts: one
Babies in Pez Perego strollers and designer clothes: three
People with whom I have anything meaningful in common: potentially one, but I'm pretty sure he's homeless and about to be asked to leave. He looks like he'd have a lot of good stories though.

Can't wait to be home...for three days.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Made up stories are my reality

I get a little carried away by made up stories sometimes. I mean, sometimes I can totally help it...sometimes they just happen around me and I get sucked into them...but from time to time, I have to have these moments where I think "Wait, did that really happen, or did I make that up?" I'm not sure that's healthy...but I like to think it's all for love of the game.

??

Case in point, and what inspired me to remember to write in this damn blog: I pass a house every morning on my way to work that I'm totally convinced is the home of a domestic, suburban drug dealer. I had to ask myself on this fine morning..."is this ACTUALLY a drug dealer's house...like...do I KNOW that, or did I make that up?" I made it up. I remembered quickly. BUT...I have good reasons to believe it true!

1--there are so many different cars in front of the house in the mornings when I go to work at 8...let's be real...850ish. No family has 11 different cars unless they're statement cars, like Cameros or Minis or something. These were 11 family cars--station wagons SUVs, sedans (no minivans...this is still Point Loma).
2--there's always someone coming and going in the 8-9 hour.
3--


Man, I really thought I had way more reasons that that. And those really aren't even strong reasons. I'm rethinking this.

Ok, HERE'S a better case in point: once, I thought our back neighbor was killed by her son, and her body was cut up and stored in the fridge.

Speaking of fridges, there is little I hate more than someone spelling it "frig." That's stupid. I don't even care that it's probably the better way, because of it's "refrigerator" and not "refridgerator."

So our back neighbor Linda (name changed for privacy purposes) left us a note one glorious February day letting us know that she was leaving town, and her son Asshole (name changed for privacy purposes) would be house sitting for her. Asshole was 20, so too young to be hitting up the bars, but also very, very interested in hitting up the bars.

We were hoping it would be a smooth transition, but unfortuantely, Asshole and his asshole friends used our back house as "the bar for 20 year-olds would get kicked out of real bars", a place to experiment with coke at 3 a.m., and a wrestling studio (is this the appropriate place to use "dojo"?? I'm pretty sure studio isn't appropriate). This led to many pajama-clad-confrontations from our home to theirs. This ALSO led to several well worded text messages from cousin to Linda. At first, she'd reply, apologize, and we'd have a few moments peace. However, by May (still Linda-less), she'd stopped replying to any messages. It was during this time that we noticed that Asshole was driving Linda's car, which had been parked in our alley all Spring. We also learned, via landlord, that rent had been being paid with nameless cashiers checks for months.

We asked Asshole more than once how Linda was doing, hinting subtly, then not-so-subtly, then outright asking when she'd be home. The answers were more and more sketchy--"Summer" turned into "Soon" which turned into "I'm not really sure..." and by the end of August, the answer was clear:

LINDA WAS DEAD.

And why was Asshole so shady about it? That answer was also clear:

ASSHOLE HAD KILLED LINDA.

And how did I determine that he cut up her body parts and stored them in the fridge?

BECAUSE ONE NIGHT, I WAS OUT BACK GETTING MY LAUNDRY, AND IT WAS LATE, AND I LOOKED INTO THE WINDOW OF LINDA'S KITCHEN, AND ASSHOLE WAS IN THERE, AND HE'D CHANGED THE REGULAR LIGHT BULB OUT FOR A RED LIGHT BULB, SO THE ENTIRE KITCHEN WAS BATHED IN CREEPY RED LIGHT, AND HE WAS JUST SITTING THERE.

It made so much sense.

I mean, it made sense until Linda came back in November, and told us that she was working all year on the East Coast, because she was a decorator, and they were more "her style" out there.

But for about a year, I was pretty convinced that we were living next door to a killer.

That's what I just decided to write about. Aren't you happy I'm back to to this blog?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Wow, Hilton.

Every large organization needs a worldly 20something working in their Marketing Office.


Hilton: "I have a great idea about our next email campaign. Picture a rooftop...a couple...and this phrase...'Stay with us...to stay on top.'"
Worldly 20something: "WHOA WHOA WHOA."

Monday, August 29, 2011

LivingGroupon


Listen, can you all just keep me posted on Living Social and Groupon? I think I have to unsubscribe, for several reasons:

6 (I'm starting with 6 because there are so many more reasons...I just want to highlight these few because work is busy this week): ALL OF THE EMAILS. Seriously. I generally really hate things that require emails every day, but I get it--these daily deals are DAILY...so it's part of the deal. But seriously...several emails a day? That's abusing the system, LivingGroupon. Get the hell out of my inbox.

11: I AM NOT GOING TO BOOT CAMP. I'm not going to boot camp. I may have thought about going before the emails, but the fact that every other day's "amazing deal" is a discount on boot camp makes me think that no one is going to boot camp, making boot camp extremely desperate, resulting in boot camp forcing itself upon all of us. The only thing worse than the thought of going to boot camp is the thought of being the only person at boot camp. Also, most of these "deals" involve camp being held in a park, or at the beach. It's not fair to make people pay that much if you don't even have any cool equipment or facilities.

16: I CAN'T USE A COUPON ON A SERIOUS MEDICAL PROCEDURE. This may be just a mental thing...but showing up to get Lasik with a print-out coupon deal makes me very nervous. See above...why are you so desperate to laser my eyes open??

21: THESE AREN'T ACTUALLY GOOD DEALS. A two hour sailing lesson should be like $20, so the fact that it WAS $100 and NOW it's amazingly $80 isn't selling me at all. And I'm that girl who leaves a sale at Bloomingdales thinking I saved money on the $60 dress just because it used to be $440. You aren't even fooling THAT girl, LivingGroupon.

23: THERE ARE TOO MANY OF THESE DAMN THINGS. Groupon...ok. I can sign up for Groupon. What? LivingSocial too? Ok, I guess I can do LivingSocial (since their first deal was to Santana's). Sign on San Diego Daily Deals? Really? I thought Groupon and LS were taking care of local deals. I don't know...wait...six other "amazing daily deal" sites?? Stop it. I was mad about the initial one-email-per-day thing...I can't handle 11 "one-emails-a-day."

29: STOP TRYING TO GET ME TO SPEND MONEY I WOULDN'T NORMALLY SPEND. I don't want to spend $50 on swimwear, so spending $50 for $100 worth of swimwear is not appealing.




Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I could never...

...communicate solely in Spanish, because every time the word "sexo" came up, I would laugh and laugh.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I.CAN'T.STOP,

I'm not even sure I want to! I found out that people can comment back to you...everyone hates me so much. I love it. I think I love it here because it's not real life, where I'm just devastated if someone hates me.

This person did NOT understand what I was going for.


I mean...it's right there.


Answer: no.


Makes sense, right?

Shampoo is better...I go on first and clean the hair.


I am SO GLAD that my computer doesn't have this, because I am sure I would push it at one point.


No reply to this...unfortunately.


I wish it was actually doing something. Harry Potter money.




I appreciate people who answer their own questions.

See above.


You're welcome.


You're welcome.


It's in these times that I have to wonder what Melinda would say in her comment, because she always commented on all of these blogs, until her work computer blocked her capabilities to do so. I'd like to think for this blog, she would have commented "Wow...you're now doing this in daylight hours...???" to which I'd have to reply "It has replaced Words With Friends as my go-to TV show distraction...because I always need to be doing something else while watching TV," to which she would reply "You really are like a child, " and I would say "Yeah."

NSFW

Just kidding...it's totally safe for work. Everything about me is safe for work.

Two things:

1--I just saw a couple "jogging" and holding hands. Seriously? The only way that is appropriate is if one of them is blind.....and they both looked as though they were un-blind. You guys...you're already jogging together. You're going to be together when you finish. Just hold off for about five more minutes.
"Ohhh it's just that we love each other sooo much that we want to be touching aaall the tiiime for love!'"
"Things are going to be tough when one of you dumps the other."

2--I just can't get enough of that Lester Holt...he's my perfect match. Unfortunately, he's also 52, married, and named Lester.

XO forever!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Sometimes...

...the papers in my recycle bin shift and settle, and my heart stops. Every time, my head whips over, and I feel as though I'm dying. Every time. No matter when, who's here/not here, how dark is it...it scares the shiz out of me.

Friday, August 12, 2011

You know you're from Phoenix if...


Here's something I hate on Facebook this week: those damn groups about people's hometowns. You know you're from Mayberry if... Remembering the good old days in Chick Creek... Who remembers ol' Nashtucky... You might be from Wayside School if...

You get the idea.

But what if you're from a giant, personality-less city? There's nothing that I can use to identify with people who grew up in Phoenix, other than street names. Not at all in jest, I have actually had this conversation:

Them: Wait, you grew up in Phoenix too?"
Me: "I did!"
Them: "Oh man, that's crazy. Remember how bad traffic was on Bell Road?"
Me: "Ha...Bell Road. Walmart and Fry's...of course there was traffic, am I right??"

Not really an identifying moment for us. I mean, sort of, but it was also an identifying moment with about a million billion people around the world. There is nothing unique about Phoenix...but in my endless quest to be a part of everything, ever, I've come up with the following list, just in case I ever get invited to that Facebook group.

You know you're from Phoenix if...

--It could get hot
--You saw the Olive Garden
--You grew up there
--The roads were paved and striped
--It rained some of the time
--There were a lot of public high schools, but also, some private
--Stop lights were set on timers, not weights, in some cases
--Most of the people over 18 had vehicles, either purchased, or received as gifts
--You knew where various fast food restaurants around your house were
--You had friends with whom you attended school each day in Phoenix
--There were places to get your taxes filed
--Kids liked ice cream
--Every morning, the sun rose in the East
--Some larger concerts came through town
--There was an oldies radio station who, at one point, had the slogan "Good times, GREAT oldies!"
--Mormons were there
--The airport code was three letters
--Some people were lactose intolerant
--There was a favorite place for teenagers to hang out
--Often times, people wore red, or even gray
--It was so light outside when the sun was up

I could go on, but I'm sure the point has been made. You know, part of me wants to start this group with all of these posts, just to see the stay-at-home moms (who aren't cool like my friends who stay at home) post things like "Ohhhemgee there were totally Mormons!!! That is hilarious!!!" or "I TOTALLY remember the Olive Garden...total wow moment!!!"

Happy Friday everyone.


Thursday, August 11, 2011

Don't tell...

...but these cute ankle pants I've been wearing are actually petite regulars.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Things I hate on Facebook today

1--Moms talking about personal business.

I know I've mentioned this (at great length) before, but seriously, moms, stop it. There needs to be a mom/gay dad only Facebook. I don't care how life-giving it is...no NON-mom (and many moms, I'm sure) don't want to read about your nipple business. It's not cute or sexy when you're talking about babies...it's just disturbing. I don't go posting about...

I decided it was better to edit that out.

2--Political jokes.

"If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress? Ohhhhh snap!" Regress, assholes.

3--People complaining about Southwest Airlines.

I just love Southwest Airlines so much. I know it's crazy...I just feel like since they do so much right, maybe just leave them the hell alone, you know? But I also feel like I can't love Del Taco since I love Taco Bell so much. I have unusual and nonsensical views of loyalty that I'm working out.
You can complain about Southwest if you need to. But I've had to stop myself from posting replies to people on their Facebook. It's not worth it it's not worth it.

4--Kids posting stuff like they just discovered it for the first time.

It's easier and easier to call college students "kids."
Don't post Sigur Rós videos like they're brand new and I haven't been listening to them my whole life. BECAUSE I HAVE(n't, because they weren't around when I was born, which also ties into me being old enough to feel like I should call college students "kids.")



Monday, August 8, 2011

Today is going to be a kick ass day.

Here's why:

1--Scooted to work. Not good for the hair, but I'm willing to make that sacrifice for love of the game. And it is a sacrifice, because I miiiight look homeless right now.

2--Scooted through Pirates. I was so worried that I'd have to give up my morning coffee stop because I no longer commuted in a car. Not the case. Coffee Girl (so.embarrassing that I don't know her name after four years) even put the cup in a bag to avoid spillage. There was some slight, soon to be resolved by bringing my own cup, which I actually should've been doing for the last four years. Sorry, environment.

3--Got a wave from a real motorcycle driver across the intersection. I wasn't sure if he was acknowledging a peer (in the lil' sister sort of way) or making fun of me. I don't care...I was just so excited.

--just let me know when raving about scootering gets old, because I will NEVER STOP otherwise.

4--I finally decided to keep these shoes that I bought a week ago. I always try things out to ensure that they were a good purchase, and I've been NOT purchasing these shoes for a while, because they make me abooouuuttt 6'1, but I couldn't resist. Potentially alienating myself from 90% of girls and 50% of boys? All of the sudden worth it.

5--I'm hiring someone I'm pretty confident will be GREAT in our office today.

Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Interviews

Hiring people is probably one of the top three least favorite parts of my job. There are a lot of reasons that aren't at all entertaining so, I'm not going to write about any of them. I did, however, want to share this gem from an applicant, when asked how he communicates differently to different groups of people, like students, parents, high school counselors, etc.:

"Well men really like to be treated with respect...I mean...I know women do too...but especially men..."

I mean, we gave you some great categories, but you really went for the gender split?

Wrong audience, friend.

This is borderline embarrassing...

...but I'm going to continue (admitting that I'm) doing it for a little while longer.



Please note the little red number at the top...that means I have questions from my Opinionaided friends. Nooooo big deal...I have friends on here. I felt like I had to just own that so you would know that I know that you know, and that I'm ok with you sitting at home, judging.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Dear girl standing behind me in the TSA line...

...if you really "could care less about what he does," do it. Care less. Care so much less that you stop talking about it.

Thanks,
Girl at listening-to-people-bitch-about-normal-life capacity

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, July 22, 2011

Here's something I hate: shared Facebook accounts

Dear married couples,

Congratulations on being married (not sarcastic). You now officially share your everyday life, finances, last name, children, vehicles, tax filings, secrets, pets, home, and more (not sarcastic).

(I felt as though I needed to include the not sarcastic asides because I get worried that some people may think I'm a marriage-hater [because someone I once knew in high school told me that I was that when my face registered the horror I felt in my heart when she said "I can't imagine not being married...like...I would rather die than not be married...I'm just not a whole person without a husband..." And she said it just like that...and she HAD a husband...but it wasn't about him {note that she didn't say his name}...it was just about being married.] I am not. I know so many people who are in bomb.com marriages and are great there. I just am not in one. Live your own dreams, you know?)

Here's something you don't have to share: your Facebook account (not at all sarcastic).


There is little that annoys me more on Facebook than receiving a friend request from TadandGina Smith, or Kerrywalter Jimenez (take that, representation). Here's why:

1--Who the hell are you? It takes me at least 6 seconds of staring to decipher who the request is actually from. I prefer received a request from Tad and thinking "Oh, a request from Tad," rather than receiving a request from TadandGina and thinking "What the...Ta-dohnd-jena? I don't know a...ohhhhh...Tad and Gina are using one Facebook account. Great."

2--What if I want to be in touch with Kerry OR Walter, and not Kerry AND Walter? One thing I don't buy is when married people let me know that they tell their spouse everything, all the time, no matter what. First of all (do you like how I have numbered lists within my numbered lists?), that's messed up. You tell your spouse YOUR business, but if I confide in you, you don't have a right to tell your spouse MY business.
Actually, you do have that right...but I won't tell you anything any more. Rights...why did I say that...I hate when people make normal, everyday situations an issue of rights.
But I'll leave it there for the sake of authenticity.
Anyway, it's messed up. Some stuff isn't to be shared, even if you're bound by the holy bonds. Second, it's not true. There are always secrets. Be real. Think about it for like 11 minutes, and you'll think of something you didn't tell your spouse. It doesn't have to be deceitful...it's just science.
But none of that matters, because here's what I'm trying to say: Gina: what if I have a really personal question that I HAVE to ask on Facebook, because I lost your email and you're in Cabo without cell service?? Chances of me asking are ruined, because Tad might check that shiz! Or Tad: what if you and I are planning a huge surprise party for Gina, and I don't have your cell number because we aren't that good of friends in the first place? THE PARTY IS OFF.
The party is off.

3--Who is commenting on the photo of me in a bathing suit?? Call me crazy, but the "OMG...you look so cute in that suit" changes meaning a little when it's from Walter as opposed to being from Kerry.

4--And which one of you is letting all of us know that it's too hot to work outside, so you're going to take a nap? I mean, I know it doesn't matter, but I wonder.

5--Don't you ever get a little mad that by having one account, you're implying that both of you have the same likes, music tastes, political views, educational background, birthday, employment information, favorite tv shows, interests, gender.....you get the idea...? If you do have all of those things in common, you're not married, you're unusual twins.

6--So you're saying you hope no one ever finds you on Facebook? Unless they ALSO have a shared Facebook account, no one will ever think to search for you by combining both of your first names. And even if they do (we're talking like two in 26000 people that will search for you--don't you dare reduce that), odds are against you that they'll come up with the combo that you came up with. After GinaTad, Tad&Gina and GinaandTad don't work, they're going to give up.
And...spoiler alert...one of the two people that end up searching for you that way is going to be annoyed that you have a shared Facebook and won't add you.

7--Ok, marriage is the bomb for people who want to be in one, but COME ON. Come on...............................come on. You do NOT need a shared Facebook. There is no legit excuse for this.
"But there's no way we both have enough time to keep up with separate Facebooks..."
Really? But you both have time to keep up with one?
"No, only Tad keeps up with it."
Then Tad should have his own Facebook.
"But then how will people know to get in touch with Gina?"
Gina, if that's a real concern, either start your own Facebook, or tell Tad to keep you posted.
"But what it people look at Tad's Facebook and don't realize he's married?"
I'm sure the wedding pic that he uses as his profile pic will be a tip off.
"Well we only have one email address..."
NO YOU DO NOT. No you do not.

Listen, I don't even know any Tads, Ginas, Kerrys or Walters, and I also have no friends on Facebook who have a shared profile...AND I BETTER NEVER HAVE ANY. No, no, it's ok. I won't be crazy about it. I just wanted to write these three pages about it. I won't defriend you if you and Tad decide you want to simplify by having one account.












But I will stop communicating with you via Facebook, and hide your posts, and change the names in this post to your names.