Friday, March 25, 2011

Dear parents,

You're only allowed one androgynous name per child.

Cory Blair
Devin Taylor
Anderson Kyle

You think you know which gender these kids are, but you're all wrong.


I mean, if you guessed that, you were right, but I was wrong. Each kid should be allowed one androgynous name, and the second name should have to be SUPER drogynous. Acceptable choices:

Cory Jessica
Boy George Taylor
Anderson Tammi

I mean, don't name your kids that, but you get the idea.

Come on...he had to know.

Blessed Douche Bag.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Dentista slash dentist

I went to the dentist (wentist) today for the first time in two years.

Here's why I am terrified of the dentist:

1--Not to brag or anything, but I've had 26 teeth pulled. I still have dreams of that crack-crack crackling "just before it pops out" sound.

2--Dentists are, as a general rule, mean. I don't know why...maybe they're tired of all of us breathing on them all the time. I'd hate that too.

3--I'm still convinced that dentists (conventists...just kidding), like auto mechanics, are all a huge scam. How can any patient be sure that you MUST have the four quadrant periodontal deep cleaning that they tell you you MUST have or your teeth will fall out? "Oh, by the way, your insurance doesn't quuiiittte cover that."

4--I generally leave the dentist office feeling horrible, because of all the lecturing. I don't know anyone who flosses every day, ok? Stop making me feel so bad about it! I'd floss more if it was awesome in any way. It's not.

4--Everything smells scary at the dentist.

ALSO...I grew up without dental insurance much of the time, so I'm just not used to going. It's like how I hate showering...I grew up lying about showering, so I got used to not doing it. More on that another day.

So when I first moved back to SD and had my own insurance, I scheduled my first big girl dentist appointment. I went to some group in Hillcrest. They were mean, lectured me, and told me that I MUST have the four quadrant periodontal deep cleaning or myteeth will fall out. And oh, by the way, my insurance didn't quuiiittte cover that. I made that appointment, then didn't go.

Two years after that, I was feeling bad about not using the benefits I so diligently sign up for each year (thanks Joyce), so I made an appointment with a highly recommended local dentist. I lecture, some guilt because apparently my gums were going to fall out soon (PS they're still here), no four quadrant cleaning. Not bad. Unfortunately, the dentist is SO nice and SO nice looking that I could never go back. I don't want someone who I hope to one day hang out with at someone's 31st Birthday Backyard BBQ envisioning my bicuspids (just kidding, because I don't have any--those were among the later of the pulled teeth) and judging me eating curry (which somehow is featured at the Backyard BBQ) when we laughed by the pool.

Two years after that was today. I decided to try this dentist because his office is 10 doors down from my house. That makes things feel a little more comfortable. Here's what happened:

--told them I didn't have a dental insurance card, because I was so sure I didn't, because I never remember seeing it
--finding said card in my wallet, and first wondering how it got in there, then second wondering how it could've been in there the whole time without me even realizing, then third realizing that I was obviously the one that put it in there.
--meeting the hygienist
--telling her I'm super scared of her (my strategy--it makes them go into five year old mode...not like THEY'RE five year olds [I never let children clean my teeth], but they treat me like I am one, which is great)
--her doing a really quick and good job cleaning my teeth
--no lecturing
--me being weirded out by that, so asking about flossing (sometimes I freak out and just start talking)
--her saying "yeah, I mean, you don't have any cavities, which is great for two years of rarely flossing, but it wouldn't hurt for anyone, you know?"
--meeting the dentist
--him being nice, but not so good looking that I couldn't look him in the eye
--hand-shaking, and realizing that his hands were very, very soft
--him giving me a toothbrush
--him looking in my file to see EXACTLY what my insurance covered
--him saying "Ok, let's get back on the every six months plan, and off the two year plan"
--me booking my next cleaning, because that's what my insurance covers.

All in all, success. Thanks, Dr. New Dentist. He might be the first one who I go to more than once.

Or I might freak out again and just not go back. I'm never sure about what I'll do.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Here's something I hate: that girl who's the only one dancing.

It's been a little while. Sorry about that...last week was a huge downer. But THIS week...this week is looking up. I decided to celebrate a better week by writing about something I hate.

Every good event/situation has music. That's not to say every event/situation with music is good (dentists' offices, movie scenes where beloved pets die, etc.), but in order for an event to be the best event, music is involved. Sometimes, in the truly best of situations, there is dancing to this music. I believe that almost any music is danceable (see Mary and me getting called out for dancing too much by security at Imogen Heap). But sometimes, those situations turn worst...and it's all because that one girl is dancing alone.

"But Shannon...every dance party starts with just one girl."

No, they don't. What about dance parties that start with one guy, or with three girls? Exactly.

INEVITABLY (and I say that knowing that there are for sure exceptions to this rule...but I'm only leaving room for like two exceptions, and Sarah Z is one, so if you're also that girl, you better answer first, before someone else takes the other spot), that one girl who's dancing alone is doing it because a--she thinks everyone loves her, b--she thinks that she is an amazing dancer, and c--she thinks that people are better for sitting and watching her dance.

We are, girl, because you look like an a-hole.

There are three kinds of Alone Dancing Girls.

First, the "Hey everybody...come see how good I dance!" girl.

She's the worst. This girl really thinks that she, through years of going to prom with older boys, has mastered THE moves to be the most popular girl on the dance floor. And lucky for her...she is...because she's the only one on the dance floor. She generally tries her best contemporary/lyrical dance moves that involve arms flailing (that she learned on So You Think You Can Dance), in combo with her best prom moves, which involves whatever people do to Juvenile's "Back That Thing Up." It also always involves a lot of open mouth moves, and eyes closed moves. In the best cases, there will also be hair flipping, and several "point to someone out there and try to get them to join you on the dance floor, but not really, because spotlight's on you!" waggles. Those moves are hit-makers, do NOT get me wrong...but only when you're dancing with a group of friends. When you're all alone, it's super desperate. It's especially bad when she keeps looking back at the crowd to make sure that people are looking at her. Stop it. If you were a good dancer, someone would go dance with you. I give this girl 30 seconds of self-love-dancing before I start hating. Maybe it was a dare. You might think that by dancing with her, she'll love you, but really, she'll be mad that you're stealing her spotlight, and everyone else will think you, also, are SUPER desperate.

Second, the "I don't know if you knew this, but I am trained in dance." girl.

She's the worst. This is the girl who takes great care to do a couple of "trained dancer" moves that, by the way, Gina, we all do when we're alone and doing dishes, or vacuuming. She'll be the one that runs into the middle of the open space (P.S. Alone Dancers always have to have a TON of space, to ensure that a lot of people see them. You'll notice that they never start alone dancing in a small area where there aren't many, many people) and hops up on one toe, or spins around ballet style (just want to emphasize how untrained I am right now), or (this really happened to me last week or so) does a bunch of super freaky, unattractive-to-anyone-but-Michael-Flately Irish step dance moves. Stupid. Seriously? Stop it. In the best cases, this girl will try to insert some tap moves into whatever she's dancing to, because without fail, tap dancers think they're the most talented and classy of all the dancers, and that tap fits any style of music. This girl wants to ensure that everyone knows that she's "trained in a studio" under whoever, whenever, and she's better off (than you) for it. Do not try to dance with her...she'll try to get you to be her swing partner (no matter what music is on), and will get annoyed when you don't "pick up the choreography."

Third, the "I'm too drunk to know this is embarrassing...DANCE IT OUT!!!!" girl.

This girl isn't the worst, but only if she is later embarrassed by being this girl. She usually does a lot of inappropriate moves, and sometimes falls. In those cases, she's the best.

I could go on, but actually, I can't. Happy payday, world.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Things I can't post on Facebook

...because I don't want anyone to fire me:

--I read a file for a kid who's middle name is Clingy. Come on, parents...that's a family name that shouldn't have been carried on. That poor guy is never going to break free of that stigma.

--our application has a spot for a "preferred" if you're first name is Clingy, but you want to go by Warren... Somehow, from the application to the database, Heather's preferred name is "er Heath."

--a student whose last name is Phillips listed her home church as "Larry Phillips."


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Two ads I hate and one I love

This isn't going to be that great of a post, because I couldn't manage to find pictures or videos of ANYTHING I'm about to talk about, so you're just going to have to trust me.

First ad I hate:

On the 8 East, right before the 5 South split, there's a large billboard with a cartoon crocodile/alligator (I never really learned the difference...something about teeth or nostrils or something?), and text that reads "Have you heard of Linux? WE'RE HIRING."

Reasons I hate this:

1--I'm annoyed at the fact that I actually HAVE heard of Linux
2--I've heard of it because they tried to release a PC operating system in the early 2000s called Lindows, like a-holes, got sued, and lost. Stupid.
3--The cartoon animal. At least try to tie it in...or make it so over the top ridiculous that it clearly DOESN'T tie in. A cartoon crocogator is just stupid.
4--For this person: "Yes I have heard of Linux. Why do I care if you're hiring?"
5--For this person: "No, I have never heard of Linux. Why do I care if you're hiring?"
6--For this person: "No, I have never heard of Linux. Are you trying to imply that I can't apply for a job there? Do the two really go hand in hand?"

Now I know SOMEONE out there is saying "Ha ha're an a-hole [I'm really trying to expand the use of that word...more on that another post]'re thinking and talking about that ad, and that's EXACTLY what they wanted!"

My answer: "No. No. No. Because of this ad alone, I will never accept a position at Linux, and will openly ridicule any one of my friends who ever interviews there. I'm not joking." It'll go like this: "Wow, so you got hired on at Linux , huh? Were you interviewed by an alligator/crocodile? I think that's who they've got working over there, so you probably were, right? Yeah, will you be working with some alligators/crocodiles when you start? Yeah, that's definitely a part of the company, for sure. When did you hear about Linux? Because I think that's also a big part of who they choose to know...because it really matters...A LOT. BIG TIME. Cool though, really. Cartoons!!"

The ad looked a LOT like that, but there was more yellow.

Second ad I hate:

I heard it on a radio ad for Vail, Colorado. I don't remember anything but this tag-line, that came up several times in the 30 second spot: "Plan a vacation 30 minutes from the airport!"

Reasons I hate this:

1--Seriously? That's what you're going with to entice people? I have never been to Vail, but I don't think "proximity to the airport" is the best thing they've got going for them. "San minutes from the airport, because it's the San Diego Airport, a-holes."
2--30 minutes is juuust far enough that you still have to rent a car, because no one wants to cab it for a half hour. Since no rental cars have had mileage caps since the mid-1970s, who cares how far you have to drive to get there? No one cool.
3--This one might be a stretch, so I'm putting it at number 3. Vail=skiing. Skiers=outdoorsy people. Outdoorsy people=people who love the environment (not in a creeps way...just in an "I appreciate trees and blackbirds" way). Large jets=bad for the environment. Also, loud.

I don't think they're attracting the right kind of people with this tag line.

Now I know SOMEONE out there is saying "Ha ha're an're thinking and talking about that ad, and that's EXACTLY what they wanted!"

My answer: "No. No. No. Because of this ad alone, I will never take a vacation to Vail, and will openly ridicule any one of my friends who ever do. I'm not joking." It'll go like this: "Wow, Vail, huh? 30 minutes from the airport? That's really nice, because you GOTTA be close to an airport when you want to get away! There's nothing quite like hitting the slopes and breathing in the crisp Colorado air and jet fumes. I LOVE looking out from the ski lift and seeing nature's lofty peaks and British Airways flight 2318. Can't WAIT for you to BE THERE!!"

Third ad I LOVE:

I was in Hawaii on Fall Travel, it was a morning talk show local car commercial, and in a perfect Hawaiian accent, the guy said: "What is this, a Hyundai? Same thing as a Korean Lexus."

It's science. I'll take it.