Thursday, October 18, 2012

Hipsters are unsustainable.

Hipster, according to the actual dictionary, is "Noun: A person who follows the latest trends and fashions."

I think hipsters would literally vomit in their toilets if they heard this, because according to Urban Dictionary (muuuch more hipster), they are exactly the opposite of that:

"Hipsters are a subculture of men and women typically in their 20's and 30's that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter."

Hipsters would vomit in a beautiful vase full of roses if they heard that, because it's soooo counter to what regular people would do, and they would love it so much.

According to MY definition, hipsters are:

"People who do things other people have done for years, but act as though they invented it, who judge people who sometimes buy clothes at Target, who only listen to music that isn't played on the radio and stop listening to it as soon as a radio station picks it up, who turn regular things into "causes", and who scoff at whatever a non-hipster believes or values as 'outdated' and 'unnecessary' and 'not worth it.'"

Whatever.  To each her own, right?  And it's not like everyone is exactly the same--there's a hipster continuum.  On the left side are the kids who just wear a lot of flannel and listen to She and Him Christmas all year.  On the right side are the people who say things like

"I'm really into organic bakeries, because I like...mill my own flour..."

"Oh, I'm glad you got your shorts on sale, but I like...make my shorts..."
" bought a new car?  That's alright, but I like...refurbished a bicycle that I found in a gutter up in Seattle when I hitchhiked up there last winter solstice..."

(it's really hard to type these in the way I want you to say them, but when you do, try to half squint your eyes, close off most of the air to your nose and trail off at the end with kind of a question marrrrkkkk...?)

I do think, though, that at some point, the hipster population is going to reach a tipping point, and people are going to have to really choose the extreme on the hipster continuum to be considered "hipster", or risk becoming a part of the new majority, which will, of course, be those who are currently hipsters.  So the flannel wearers on the left will go from "hipster light" to "regular person who just doesn't care enough", the people in the middle will go from "that hipster who is always talking shiz about retail" to "regular person," and the people on the extreme left will go from "hipster who reupholsters their neighbor's grandmother's chair from the alley with handcrafted batik from a Sherpa they met in a dream" to "hipster."

This is not going to be a good day.

I mean, it will be a great day for me, but I'm talking about the people who think they're super hipster.  It won't be a good day for THEM.

That means that the extreme left is going to have to go even MORE counter-culture, and grown even BUSHIER beards, and get even MORE better-than-the-rest-of-you, and even LESS able to express emotion via their faces. 

I do have some ideas as to how this may manifest.

--future hipsters will have to buy back into hardcore sexism.  Like "women should be in the home, or if they're whorey enough that their husbands have to leave them, forcing them to get jobs, they should never make as much money as men" sexist.  It's perfect because it's a really old concept that's out of the mainstream enough that they can claim to have invented it.  Hipsters LOVE that stuff.  Remember how they invented pegged jeans?

--future hipsters will have to create and destroy new bands on a daily basis.  "We were together long enough to release this song at 11:30 this morning, but we've broken up now because I wanted to pursue my cause/goal of getting a tribal tattoo in each African nation."  This will work out because it will allow hipsters to continue to discovering music, but solves the problem of them lookin' a fool when the band they buy a shirt (but cut off the sleeves) from gets picked up by Rick Dees and the Weekly Top 40 (is that still a thing?).

--future hipsters will have to go completely nude.  If flannel from the local thrift is the new mainstream...the only way to be counter is to let go of clothes entirely.  This MAY be able to work if hipsters are able to grow enough body hair to cover bodily unmentionables.  Just a little thought.

Long story short, I don't think it's sustainable.  Hipsters should give up the good fight and go back to things they actually like and want to do, as opposed to things they think they're supposed to like and do in order to be a hipster.  Just saying. 

It seems like I'm always just saying something.