Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I have to post this...

...because I was just informed that the only way to change my desktop photo was to find the background I want online, and right click it, and set it as my background.  Why doesn't the old "right click on the desktop, click perosnalize, click desktop background, select photo" trick work?  No one knows.  I mean, "it should work."

Anyway, this is where I work, and I have to post it online because I want to stare at this photo while I'm on annoying phone calls.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Final Chapter: I got no money from my deceased Uncle Williams

Reasons I sent this:
--I know that they will never take this advice, because they have their system DOWN. 
--I saw on Dateline that they are actually this stupid on purpose, to rule out any smart people immediately, so the odds that the people who buy their stories will question them go way, way down
--I HAD TO SEND IT.  I thrive on closure and the last word.

From: Shannon 
 Sent: Wednesday, December 19, 2012 10:17 AM
To: ''; Remittance Department (; Eddie (; Mrs. Alice Joyce (
Subject: RE: Shannon What Is The Way Forward Now?
Importance: High

Dear team,

Here are some handy tips for scamming people in the future:

1—You have the ability to tell people you’re trying to scam that you’re from WHATEVER COUNTRY YOU WANT!  If you can’t speak English well, don’t choose an English speaking country.  Simple as that.  If you tell me you’re from Portugal, all of the sudden your horribly broken English makes sense.
2—If you’re going to use your “names” in your email addresses, spell them right.  If you are going by Alex, don’t use Alx in your email.  If you claim your name is Alice, using Alce as your email address is going to confuse people.  I would never use “Shnnon” as my email address.
3—“Williams” is no one’s first name.  Next time, try “William.”  Maybe even “Bill.”  No one has an Uncle Williams.
4—If you’re going to claim to be from a specific country, use that country’s passport.  Saying you’re from the UK, then sending people a Mexican passport is ridiculous.  Just Google “UK passport.”  Boom, done.
5—Just have one person reply to each person you’re trying to scam.  If I actually believed  you had money for me, I would become skeptical at the fact that every time I email you, “you” email me back twice within ten minutes with two different answers in varying levels of broken English.
6—There is a huge difference in offering to give someone “my world” and offering to give them “my word.”  Huge.  But props for consistency on that one. 
7—Asking for thousands of dollars, then asking “What do I have to gain from scamming you?” is silly.  You have thousands of dollars to gain.  Even the dumbest person you’re trying to scam will see that.
8—The “death certificate” you sent is one of the worst fake documents I have ever seen.  Seriously?!  WordArt.  Repeatedly saying “Octoberb.”  A pixelated “authentic signature.”  Come on guys.  My 6 year old nephew could do better than that.
9—When asking people to wire you money, give them all of the information necessary to wire said money.  Name, country and “secret question” don’t cut it.

All in all, emailing you guys has been one of the best parts of the last two months.  Thanks so much for the fun, the laughs, the memories and the blog material.  The thought of you and “Mr. Yusuf”  going to the Western Union with the form I sent you was the best Christmas present I could have hoped for.  Hope to run into you in “the UK” soon!  Merry Christmas!!!


They have not replied.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Congratulations on drinking your coffee black.

That's what you wanted to hear, right?

Congrats!  You drink something without something in it!  You did it!

Now shut up about it.

Guess what?  I'm extra, extra tired of people thinking that by drinking black coffee, a--they're uhmaayyyzzzinnnggg and b--they're better than people who don't.

I often eat french fries without ketchup, but I don't scoff at all the dippers around me.

"But if you put stuff in your coffee, it means you clearly don't like coffee, because the stuff makes it taste different!"

Obviously the stuff makes it taste different, but that doesn't mean I don't like coffee.  Let's bet, I don't knowwww, $300,000 that you put ketchup or mustard or mayo or all three on your hamburgers, butter on your toast, dressing on your salad and choco-syrup on your ice cream.  Do you go around telling people that you don't really like hamburgers, toast, salad or ice cream?  Hell no.  Don't even try to tell me you do.  Just because you add something to something doesn't mean you dislike it.

Also, why do you care what I order and like and don't like?  Don't tell me about me.  Leave me alone!!

"If I'm going to drink coffee, I might as well drink it black."

Really?  Do you also only drink liquor and never cocktails?  Noyoudonot.  Leave me alone.

"Black coffee is stronger."

This is obviously not true.  Think about it for five seconds.  Done?  Cool, then you have realized that by adding milk, you don't negate the caffeine content of the beverage to which you've added it.  If, by "stronger," you mean "tastes more like ass," than alright, it's stronger.  You can have that one, and not leave me alone.

"If you wanted cream and sugar in your coffee, then you should have ordered cream and sugar!"

This is the worst argument ever.  If I wanted a big cup of hot cream and sugar, I would have ordered it, and been openly judged and (hopefully, if they have a conscience) shunned by the barista, because that is the sickest thing I've ever heard.  I don't like drinking sugary milk!!  Maybe--and I know this is going to sound crazy--maybe I like the taste of coffee WITH cream and sugar in it.  I know, right?  It's almost too crazy for me to say again, which obviously means I'm going to.  I like coffee...and I like it...with stuff in it.  I don't like the coffee without the stuff...and I sure as hell don't like the stuff without the coffee.  Why don't you just eat packets of ketchup?  Oh, because that's gross.  Leave me alone!!!

Caveat--if you drink your coffee black just because you happen to prefer it, that's awesome. Thank you for not telling me all about it, and not telling me I'm doing it wrong.  You're not doing it wrong either, sister.

So again, really great work on the huge accomplishment of drinking something without adding anything to it.  You know, when you really think about it, you should be congratulating ME for the time and effort it takes to get the perfect amount of cream, sugar (letsbereal it's Equal) and coffee in my cup, and I should be calling you lazy.  Pour and run?  Really?  It's don't even try.

Mine's prettier. 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Most interesting conversation of 2013

I don't want to call it for the whole year...but really...these will be hard to beat.

Context:   Last night, I finally won my half-year long battle with CarMax and got rid of Tiny Car.  No offense to Tiny Car, and all offense to CarMax--the car was a total nightmare, and the experience with CarMax was an even more total nightmare.  From my now very personal experience, when you get a good car from CarMax, they're great.  When you get a bad car from CarMax, they are awful. 

Anyway.  I finally ignored my local, went to corporate enough times to be "that girl" with "that car," and a month later, donezo.

So last night, I went in to basically return my car and NOT pay them any more dollars, and the very young, very sweet guy that helped me finalize all of the paperwork and I had the following conversation:

ME: Yep, I was out of town on vacation from the 28th through the 11th. 
HIM: Oh, where were you vacay-ing?
ME: Turkey!
HIM: Oh, was it so humbling?
ME: Um, well, I mean, uh, it was really fun...
HIM: Oh wow.
ME: Yeah, I had a great time.
HIM: Ok cool.  Well you're all set here, but ma'am...I have to tell you...your mascara ran a little bit.  I didn't want you to look in the mirror later and be like "why didn't he tell me?"
ME: ...........thanks.  Thanks so much

Humbling?!   Who goes on vacation to be humbled?  .

But yeah, my mascara ran a little.  It was a long day.

Loved every moment of that convo. 

RUNNER UP...Context: Random small town in Turkey...we met Ali, the hype guy for a local pide restaurant.  He was THUUUHHH-RILLED to learn we were from California, and over the span of an hour-long dinner, said the following things, which are direct quotes, which I know because I took time outs to write them down. 

"Tonight, you come back here, and we look at cat pictures.  I have many many cat pictures."

"Another favorite American band...Black Eyed!  You like Black Eyed?"

"If I go to America, I want to see Texas, for cowboys, and Indiana, for Indiana Jones."

"Two months ago, I didn't know Justin Bieber.  Today, I am Justin Bieber fanatic."

"For one month, I asked boys if they loved Justin Beiber, because I thought he was a woman.  Then I saw photo...I can't believe it."

I can't even insert what I said into these quotes, because I was so mesmerized that I mostly just stared and smiled. 

2013, you're the best.