Wednesday, December 18, 2013

To all riders of bicycles:

Dear bicycle riders,

Let's share the road.


Why?  Because "sharing the road" means we both have the same standards and privileges when we both ride on the road.  So sure, you can ride in the middle of the road even when cars are clearly trying so hard to pass-without-side-swiping-you, and you can hand signal your way across three lanes, and you can wait in the same line as the cars when you're stuck at the light...and when there's a stop sign, YOU HAVE TO STOP AT IT TOO. 

"Oh wait, I liked sharing the road better when it meant I got to choose rules that I followed and didn't."

I know, ass.  So does every four year old, but if someone's baby is riding a bike in front of me in the street, I'm going to call her mom. (wait what?)

Here's my deal: if you don't stop at stop signs, I will likely hit you with my car, and I'll be fine, and you'll die all over the road.  Then after you die, I'll carry around the guilt of killing you all my life, even though the only way I could have prevented your horrible death would have been to stop at the stop sign, like I did, then just stay stopped there for a while, because who effing knows when a bike may be coming and deciding that "sharing the road" means not actually sharing anything, but instead, doing whatever the hell s/he wants?

"But Shan, you clearly don't understand.  A bike is powered by my body, so if I had to stop at every stop sign, it would take so much energy and physical exertion!"

Uh yeah, you're riding a bike.  If expending energy is a problem for you, don't ride your bike.

"But Shan, riding a bike makes my carbon footprint so tiny."

So does walking. And people who walk always stop at stop signs, and I love them.

"But if I walk, I can't get to work fast enough."

Don't care don't care don't care.

"That's why I ride my bike--to reduce my carbon footprint and to get to work fast."

That's so great of and for you.  STOP AT THE STOP SIGNS.  That way, in addition to making the environment better and being punctual, you also decrease your chances of being run the hell over by 10000%*.

*science pending