Friday, June 25, 2010

Advertise Rules I Just Came Up With

So my workplace has an Advertise email list.

It's not's just like a company Craigslist--people post things they need or are selling, and we all get an email about it. In the last 20 seconds, I've come up with these rules for the Advertise list. I only highlight the time it took me to come up with these because I cannot understand why our actual place of employment hasn't also come up with, and enforced these rules.

Rule 1--If you have a bunch of stuff to sell, put it in one email.

In four days, I received separate Advertise emails (all giant, because they had separate photos) from the same person selling the following items:

-Marantz AV Pre-Tuner AV 9000
-Shaker cup
-CERAMIC SHELL BOWLS (a second time)

First of all, why do you have so many ceramic bowls? Second, stop inconsistently using caps. Third, if you REALLY feel like people are going to buy this stuff from you, just put it in ONE EMAIL so I don't have to hear that "email alert noise" a hundred times, and my mailbox fills up more slowly. And finally, what the hell is a Marantz AV Pre-Tuner AV 9000?

2--Only send one email a week.

This rule is just to further emphasize how annoying the above situation has been.

3--If you're not selling something, or looking to purchase something, don't put it up on Advertise.

Using Advertise to try to get us to sign your petition to keep televangelists on the air is totally inappropriate. This happened a couple of weeks ago. Also, there's no law on the books to take televangelists OFF the air...that was a joke email started just to piss people off.

Another example: this is the subject line of an Advertise email that went out once: (can you use two colons in one sentence??)
"Subject: Help eval. Stamps/This is NOT an ad"

If this is NOT an ad, AND you feel the need to tell me that in CAPS, DON'T put it on ADvertise.

4--If you're going to sell something, just sell it. Don't tell me why selling it makes you so awesome.

"Subject: Private clothing sale

I've lost a bit of weight, and as a result have several wardrobes of
clothing - nice work and casual pieces - that I would love to sell to
help fund the purchase of smaller sized clothes. :)

Very reasonable prices - most items are $3-$5. And I've got bags of
clothing in sizes 12/14, 16/XL, 18/1X, 20/2x and 22/3X.

It's worked really well to set appointments for individuals to go
through the clothing in their sizes - which allows time to sort through
and try on before purchasing. And I have a box of "freebies" that I'll
allow each paying customer to go through!

Please let me know if you're interested in setting an appointment."

I went ahead and re-worded this email, so it says what she meant it to say.

"Going though tough times? Putting on a few extra pounds?
Are you fat? Well I'm not! If anyone out there is interested in clothes I used to wear when I was fat, call me! And not only will you feel bad for having to acknowledge that you're fatter than I am, you also have to rifle through trash bags, then pay me for the clothes! In fact, let's be sure that we do these appointments one-on-one, so we can both think about how I'm thin and you're not, but not say anything out loud. And, to add insult to injury, I'm going to use your money to buy clothes for myself that you would never fit into. Blessings!"

5--Don't creep me out on Advertise.
This rule could also be entitled "Your own inside jokes and lingo don't make sense to anyone on Advertise, unless your husband is on Advertise, and if so, just tell him when you guys get home tonight rather than sending out an Advertise email."

Sometimes, we get Advertise emails like this (and I don't mean "like this" as thought I made this up, based on reality. I mean "like this" like "this is an exact email I received."):

"We are looking for a lost pillow. It is ben's lovey. We think he may have dropped
it from daddy's shop to the car. It is yellow and has the words "zonk city" on one side and snoopy and Linus on the other. This is his beloved bubo. If anyone has seen, please let us know."

That was the whole email, besides the sender's name, which I have removed. WHAT THE HELL.

Rule 6--It's PLNU Advertise, America. Let's not be so demanding.

"Subject: FW: For Sale - New Blue Mirrored Lenses Aviator Sunglasses


NEW AVIATOR sunglasses – BLUE mirrored lenses, BLACK frame
Style is too masculine for me.

Today only, as I start my vacation on Monday. Stop by if you want to see them.

$7.99 (cash only)"

Come on. Today only, stop by, cash only...and I KNOW you're not going to give me my 1 cent back in change. Come on.

Rule 7--Advertise isn't the place to be creative, or political, or super weird.

This one came from a secretary who has been collecting Beanie Babies for Iraqi children.

"Hi Everyone!
Another mystery teddy bear showed up . . . thank you so much.
I will be sure to send it in the next box.

I see it like this:

The Love Formula

1 Iraqi Child + 1 Beanie Baby = 1 less future terrorist

I pray.

Thanks again.


And thanks for the three separate sign offs.

Rule 8--If you don't understand spelling, grammar, or sentence structure, don't email a bunch of people at a university.

"Subject: Are you hungry? Want free food?
The Edge Luncheon is next Wednesday, April 9.

Are you involved in ministry, do you want to go into ministry. Do you have a calling and not sure what area of ministry yet. This luncheon is for you. Its Free! Wednesday, April 9 at 11:00am-1:00PM in the Fermanian Conference Room. We will be having Hectors burritos. (If you have class come after, or between I don't care just come eat a big ole' burrito.)"

Dear sender of this email,

-You seemed to get the question mark in the subject--what happened in the body of the email?
-The possessive "it's" vs. "its" can be challenging, but we grown-ups really need to be on it.
-There's really no excuse for the unnecessary capitals, but you're not the only one, so I'll Let this one Slide.
-Really? Burritos made out of a bunch of people named Hector? Oh, you mean burritos FROM Hector!! That damn possessive...gets you every time!!
-The last sentence run-on/improper comma use/attempt to use the slang for "old" but by adding the apostrophe that you REALLY needed earlier you actually turned it into "ole'," like a Torero (thank you, USD) would say, hurts my eyes. Stop it.


See? 20 seconds and Advertise is totally fixed. You're all welcome.

Also, addendum: this post is a tribute to Buddy. Thanks for the inspiration. You're a real buddy.


  1. Come eat a big ole' burrito made out of Hector! Hey to the girl!

  2. The should also be a rule about selling things that may be stained from sauces and hard water...

  3. The only problem is that what you are recommending would take all entertainment value away from Advertise list. I like to make fun of people on Advertise as much as I like to make fun of people from Jersey:)

  4. I. Dare. You. To. Send. This. To. Advertise.