Monday, November 28, 2011

Ways to tell that our date isn't going well.

I feel like these things should be so obvious that they should be left unsaid, but, to quote Chad, "let me tell you what,"...apparently they need to be said.

1--You ask me for a deal-breaker, then you embody that deal-breaking quality.

First of all, why are all of my blog posts these days in list form?

Second, why are you even asking about deal breakers? This isn't marriage counseling, and that's a horrible "getting to know you" question. "Hey, so what's your favorite food? And what is something so heinous to you that you'd actually leave someone because of it?" But if you HAVE to ask, I'm not going to hold back...I mean, I'm not 20, and there's no reason to softball that question.

"Deal breaker? Oh, you know, like being so mean or something."

...and I know this isn't marriage counseling, so I'm not going to say something that should be assumed.

"Deal breaker? Having a child with another girl while we're together, then leaving me for her, then coming back with the baby."

So if you ask, I'm going to let you know that I have no tolerance for entitled people because I just don't understand them, and because I have to pretend to understand them all day, every day, so the LAST thing I want to do in fun times is deal with more entitled people.

Did you know? I'm not sure I mention that enough here.

If, after that, you tell me about how you just plan to cruise into your dad's family business when you feel like because you deserve to be CEO, and you deserve to have money handed to you because you're smarter than 90% of the people you know, and then wrap it up by telling a story about how you got a server fired for being too slow because you are so important that you deserve to have a more on the ball server...our date is not going well.

2--You make any comparison between me and someone who bombs abortion clinics.

I am not making this up.

Near stranger: "So you're into the whole church thing?"
Me: "Yep...I go pretty often."
NS: "I tried that thing for a while...was Catholic, then did the born again thing...then was Taoist for a while, and now I'm a pretty active atheist."
Me: "Hmmmwowinteresting."
NS: " you ever worry that someone as smart and cool as you choosing to go to church justifies people who bomb abortion clinics?"
Me: "...uhhhh...I haven't ever really thought"

3--English is CLEARLY your first language, but somehow, it's not at all clear.

"My two favorite things are watching sports, playing sports, and winning."

4--I elbow you in the ribs.

-If you reach for my hand and I immediately start carrying my empty coffee cup with both hands, it's safe to assume that I don't want to hold your hand.
-If you keep keep using anything I say to allude to the inevitable next date and I keep saying "...oh I don't know..." (like "Oh your fav is Indian? Well next time, I'll have to take you to Indian food..."), it's safe to assume I'm not as sure as you are that there will be a "next time."
-If you repeatedly try to put your arm around me and I repeatedly step to the side, it's safe to assume that I don't want you to put your arm around me.
-If you try to steer me down another path but I actively turn away, toward the car, it's safe to assume that I don't want to continue walking with you.
-If, after ALL of that happens, you try just one more time to put your arm around me and I elbow you in the ribs, it's safe to assume that even though you say you're want to see me again, I FOR SURE, NEVER EVER EVER do.

I'm hoping most of you were like "uh yeah, obvi," but if you weren't, or if you know these guys (see above), feel free to pass this along. No commission necessary.

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