Monday, November 28, 2011

High schoolerrrssssss!!!!!

I replayed this voice-mail 11 times to be sure I got it completely accurate.

Hi, this is XXX, I have some questions about your undergraduate program, so if you could call be back. My number is 909…uhhh…463…909…5 uh 909-463..90995…uh ok…sorry…alright I’ll say it again…90…909…263…90959092639995 ok thank you very much bye.”

We did not call him back, but it wasn't for lack or trying.

Ways to tell that our date isn't going well.

I feel like these things should be so obvious that they should be left unsaid, but, to quote Chad, "let me tell you what,"...apparently they need to be said.

1--You ask me for a deal-breaker, then you embody that deal-breaking quality.

First of all, why are all of my blog posts these days in list form?

Second, why are you even asking about deal breakers? This isn't marriage counseling, and that's a horrible "getting to know you" question. "Hey, so what's your favorite food? And what is something so heinous to you that you'd actually leave someone because of it?" But if you HAVE to ask, I'm not going to hold back...I mean, I'm not 20, and there's no reason to softball that question.

"Deal breaker? Oh, you know, like being so mean or something."

...and I know this isn't marriage counseling, so I'm not going to say something that should be assumed.

"Deal breaker? Having a child with another girl while we're together, then leaving me for her, then coming back with the baby."

So if you ask, I'm going to let you know that I have no tolerance for entitled people because I just don't understand them, and because I have to pretend to understand them all day, every day, so the LAST thing I want to do in fun times is deal with more entitled people.

Did you know? I'm not sure I mention that enough here.

If, after that, you tell me about how you just plan to cruise into your dad's family business when you feel like because you deserve to be CEO, and you deserve to have money handed to you because you're smarter than 90% of the people you know, and then wrap it up by telling a story about how you got a server fired for being too slow because you are so important that you deserve to have a more on the ball server...our date is not going well.

2--You make any comparison between me and someone who bombs abortion clinics.

I am not making this up.

Near stranger: "So you're into the whole church thing?"
Me: "Yep...I go pretty often."
NS: "I tried that thing for a while...was Catholic, then did the born again thing...then was Taoist for a while, and now I'm a pretty active atheist."
Me: "Hmmmwowinteresting."
NS: " you ever worry that someone as smart and cool as you choosing to go to church justifies people who bomb abortion clinics?"
Me: "...uhhhh...I haven't ever really thought"

3--English is CLEARLY your first language, but somehow, it's not at all clear.

"My two favorite things are watching sports, playing sports, and winning."

4--I elbow you in the ribs.

-If you reach for my hand and I immediately start carrying my empty coffee cup with both hands, it's safe to assume that I don't want to hold your hand.
-If you keep keep using anything I say to allude to the inevitable next date and I keep saying "...oh I don't know..." (like "Oh your fav is Indian? Well next time, I'll have to take you to Indian food..."), it's safe to assume I'm not as sure as you are that there will be a "next time."
-If you repeatedly try to put your arm around me and I repeatedly step to the side, it's safe to assume that I don't want you to put your arm around me.
-If you try to steer me down another path but I actively turn away, toward the car, it's safe to assume that I don't want to continue walking with you.
-If, after ALL of that happens, you try just one more time to put your arm around me and I elbow you in the ribs, it's safe to assume that even though you say you're want to see me again, I FOR SURE, NEVER EVER EVER do.

I'm hoping most of you were like "uh yeah, obvi," but if you weren't, or if you know these guys (see above), feel free to pass this along. No commission necessary.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Here's something I hate: people who get all up in arms when I say Happy Holidays.

Popped on to Facebook and saw this status:

Not to offend anyone but this is what I believe. (I couldn't really care less if it does offend you) I am sick and tired of every year when CHRISTMAS comes around, there are people who want to take CHRIST out of CHRISTMAS because it might offend someone. Well, how about all of the CHRISTIANS? What about offending us because you are taking our CHRIST out of CHRISTMAS!?!? CHRIST IS CHRISTMAS!!! If you aren't celebrating CHRIST then why are you celebrating? CHRISTMAS is about the birth of our SAVIOR! CHRISTMAS is one of a few holidays left that celebrate my CHRIST! Leave my holiday alone!!! And tell everyone MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holidays! Repost if your not ashamed.....♥

I'm inviting all my Facebook family and friends to join me in returning to the traditional greeting of "MERRY CHRISTMAS" instead of the politically correct "Happy Holidays"!! If you agree with me, please re-post this message.....MERRY CHRISTMAS...
I have several things to say about this.

1--Choose sentence one or sentence two. If you couldn't care less about offending people, then don't start with "Not to offend..." Also, if you really don't care about offending people, you're an asshole. Have your own opinions all the live long, but you can express opinions in respectful ways that won't offend. If you are respectful and someone still gets offended...their bad. But these statuses aren't running that risk.

2--"If you aren't celebrating CHRIST then why are you celebrating?" Tradition. Family. Presents. Travel. Snow. Christmas movies. Vacation. Those are a few other reasons people could be celebrating. Maybe. Just guessing.

3--Stop yelling CHRISTMAS and CHRIST. It makes me uncomfortable, and people don't like being yelled at. I'm pretty sure anyone not already celebrating CHRIST will certainly not be swayed by you yelling it at them.

4--"Christmas is one of the few holidays left that celebrate my CHRIST." Wait, were there a lot of other ones? I mean, Easter, but that's pretty Christ (I'm sorry--CHRIST) focused still. I don't think there was ever an issue of CHRIST being in Arbor Day, or your mom's birthday. He's still there...don't freak out about it.

5--I know it's super crazy, but some people celebrate holidays other than Christmas.

It's ok--take a moment to process if you need it.

Ok. So I know you celebrate Christmas, and I know I celebrate Christmas, but what about your neighbor who's Jewish? Seems pretty redic to respond to their holiday wishes (maybe they aren't sure which you celebrate, although that's unlikely with all of the yelling you've been doing) with "Merry Christmas"...because they aren't going to have a merry Christmas...because they're celebrating Hanukkah.

6--It seems pretty messed up to force people to acknowledge your holiday of choice when you won't acknowledge theirs.
The only way statuses like that second one are legit is if you greet people with the other December holidays as well. I'm fine with you telling people Merry Christmas around Christmas. Go crazy. But you better say Happy Hanukkah around Hanukkah, and Happy Kwanzaa around Kwanzaa too.

"No way. I don't celebrate those other holidays, so I won't say it. I celebrate CHRISTMAS!"

I get that, but do you really ONLY acknowledge the special occasions that YOU personally celebrate? So on your cousin's birthday, do you not wish them a happy birthday because it's not YOUR birthday?

"Well, no...but I'm sort of celebrating with them...because it's their birthday..."

Then why aren't you sort of celebrating with people who celebrate Hanukkah? It's their holiday.

"Because I'm not Jewish..."

They are. Are you really saying you can't acknowledge any other holidays? And I bet you $38 that they'll wish you a Merry Christmas.

"They DO always wish me a Merry Christmas."

I know. And they don't yell, either.

I'm just saying...maybe people are saying Happy Holidays because they aren't sure which holiday you celebrate, and not as a part of a huge liberal conspiracy to remove CHRIST from our lives. I love Jesus too, but let's all just take a moment and realize that our favorite holiday isn't the only one out there.

Let the napkin do the talking.

Monday, November 14, 2011


...someone called my work line and left a full voice mail of the Space Olympics song.

I don't know who it was...but I love him/her.

SO excited

You know when you're just SO excited because you've needed a haircut SO badly for the past few weeks and you haven't been anywhere near home and the girl who cuts your hair but you get a calendar reminder that your haircut is TOMORROW??

That is me


now. mom away!