Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Signs We May Not Be Friends

Listen, I'm not saying we WON'T be. There are always extenuating circumstances that I'll take into account ("But I HAVE to love Chili's because my father is a Chili's!")

Your favorite restaurant is Chili's
CHILI'S IS NOT GOOD. Chili's is only acceptable for Happy Hour in a town with no other options, and that includes 7-11, where you could spend less money to get a Chicken Tornado and still feel equally as sick after. Also, no screaming kids, no one trying to up-sell you pre-made guacamole (which is gross and almost assuredly includes mayonnaise), none of those gross plastic mugs that have other people's teeth marks in them. I NEVER want to meet you at Chili's. Please.  Let's go to 7-11.

You spell "fridge" "f-r-i-g"
I do not care that it's not spelled "re-fridge-erator"...fridge is still spelled "fridge." Why? Because it's a nickname for something, and that means we get to make up the spelling so we can ensure it sounds right. That's why thousands of Nicholas's are NicKs and Katherine's are KatEs.  No one wants to be called Nich-rhymes-with-bitch or  Kat-pronounced-like-cat (unless they go by Kat-pronounced-like-cat...then it's different and fine).  If you insist that we clean out the "frig," I'm going to ask you what a frig-rhymes-with-brig is, because that's how you say it. 

You're that girl who waits until the lane actually ends to merge
Stop this.  I am not going to let you over.  The giant white arrows and LANE ENDING, MERGE LEFT signs were clear indicators that you needed to get out of the lane you're in.  Waiting until the lane is actually over in hopes to beat other drivers is ridiculous, unless you're a five year old driver, at which point, it makes total sense.  Five year-olds cut in line.  Thirty year-olds don't.  And if you decide that your business is so much more important than everyone else on the road's that you HAVE to cut in front of all of us, I'm not not only not going to let you in, I'm going to stare at you over my sunglasses with an exaggerated look of incredulity, to make a point.  Five year-olds do things to make points, and thirty year-olds do things to make points, and I support all of us.  

You think you duh-zzeerrvvee it
We've been over this.  I don't care how cool/great/smart you are...you don't duh-zzzerrvee outrageous things.  Paying college tuition doesn't mean you duh-zzzerrvee to take as much food as you want from the caf. Filing your admissions application on time doesn't mean you duh-zzzerrvee a fee waiver.  Working really hard and caring about things doesn't mean you duh-zzzerrvee our highest scholarship.  You get to eat for cheaper than every other college in town, you will hear back from us on time, and you got admitted.  Congratulations on those things.  They're all what you actually duh-zzzerrvee.  If I ever have kids, I'm never telling them they can do aaaaaanything, because they can't.  It's not even bad news...it's real life...and the opposite turns your kid into an entitled a-hole.  Be an astronaut?  Absolutely.  Have people give you free college because you "work harder than a lot of students" and "care about the ocean?"  No.  You cannot accomplish that. 
That may be too much.  I'll rethink it later.  

You say "Alls"
STOP THIS FOREVER.  Stop this forever.  I currently have no friends who say "alls."  That's telling.  You can't make a word that's inherently plural plural.

You love country music in a really serious way that leads you to believe that it's better quality music than _______.
This is the one I'm most willing to compromise on, but if you start our friendship letting me know that you just love Rascal Flatts so much and they're just so much  more talented than _______ and you just can't understand why she's more popular than they are, it's gonna be an uphill battle.  They're not good.  I cannot be the first person to tell you that.  It's science.  It's ok if you like them, but you cannot convince me they're better quality musicians than _________.  They aren't.  I don't care if they write their own music...so does William Hung (weird but true). 

Alright, that's all for now.  I just needed to get this out there since I've been not writing for a month.

1 comment:

  1. Chili's - you are so right.
    Late mergers - I will only let one in as a lifelong punishment/pennance for the (very few)times I've been late to merge.
    Duhzerve - only telling the painful truth to your children also means no Santa Claus - i have regrets.
    Alls - at least I've never heard "Y'Alls" down here
    no opinion on country music... ever.