Saturday, October 13, 2012

Sushi is the worst date food

Sorry to take a long break and come back with something really un-groundbreaking, but still.  I was eating sushi with a friend the other day, and realized that if I didn't have every confidence in the world that we were close, and that she would love me no matter what, I could not eat sushi with her.

Here's why:

I didn't grow up using these things.  No blame assigned here (parents, friends parents, friends, troop leaders [I was never in anything that involved "troops" {you still aren't off the hook, troop leaders}]), but

Hold on.  I just typed "leaders," but I misspelled it as "ldeaers [I do that shiz all the time--is that some sort of disorder?!] and auto-correct thought I meant "deer-slayer."  Alright.

Back to it.

when it comes down to it, I have only been using chopsticks for like ten years.  That means I still have some mishaps where all of the sudden, the chopsticks that were laden with __________ are now empty and awkwardly crossed and I look like an actual ten year old just trying to make it work.  That's embarrassing.  If that happened on a date, even I would judge the other person.

"Ohhhh shoot self...this date you're with is totally uncultured."
"But self, didn't you do the same thing last time you ate sushi?"
"Stop it...if I did, it was because of a finger muscle spasm or something external like a loud car horn."
"Oh yeah, that totally happened.  He's TOTALLY uncultured.  Get away from him!"

I am involved in a lot of self-deception.

So sushi rolls are beautiful and delicious and always what we want to order and share (you better share. See below).  However, sushi chefs around the world, in their schooling, are instructed to cut these rolls into non-bite sizes pieces, then serve it to you with no tools with which to cut said rolls.  I'm totally convinced this is just for their entertainment.

"Sushi chefs of the world, when slicing your beautiful rolls, be sure to measure out what would be the perfect bite, then make the section1/2 larger than that."
"But sensei [obviously], then people will try to put it in their mouths and it will be too big, so they will have to really labor to chew it, and their mouths will still be a little open, and maybe some rice will fall out."

I have never, ever, ever had a bite of a roll that was mouth sized.  And I eat so much.

The only alternative you have is to try to bite only half of the roll, which leads to a lot of awkward teeth grinding--I have to cut the seaweed wrap withyourteeth!--and pieces of food falling back down to the table/plate.  Also, you inevitably break up the roll, so one bite has the entire piece of eel, and the other bite is all avocado and rice.  That's not how it's meant to be experienced.  It can't be.

I don't have a lot of unusual immediate deal breakers ("Ew he totally has candy breath"--not one.  "Ew, he just told me cheated on his wife!"--one), but not being willing to share food is one of them.  You better not refuse me if I want a bite, or if I offer you one.  Fortunately, all the people in my world--cousin, BFFs, #BF (I don't understand hash tags)--passed this test with flying colors.  However, some sushi accoutrements are NOT conducive to sharing with a stranger.  Seaweed salad, for example.  No matter what you do, that stuff gets aaaaall up in your business, and pieces fall out, and dirty mouth chopsticks get rubbed around it in.  Best friend for life?  No problemo.  New person date?  Big problemo.

I don't think I need to present any more evidence.  Unless you're soulmates, stay away from sushi.