Facebook is so great for mini rants about crazy students, and Insta is so good for photo rants about terrible marketing strategies...but where do I turn for long-winded e-rants about things that no one but I actually care about?
Dear Ol' Blogger, who will likely be shut down before my next post, and all my rants and conversations with e-spammers will be lost forever.
Here's what I hate today: you know those people that have a baby, and then act like nothing you (provided you don't have one yourself) have ever gone through means anything, ever? THEM.
I am actually 80% sure I have already blogged about this exact thing, but I'm so re-energized by my annoyance that I'm not even gonna check.
Standard caveat: this is about none of my actual friends who have babies. They've managed to avoid this crazy. This is about my friends' friends who they tell me about, Facebook comments from people I don't know but see because you posted some opinion that they want to one-up, and a conversation I overheard in Target yesterday.
I have some big news: it turns out that you don't have to have a baby to be tired.
I'm in a constant argument with my sweet family about saying that I'm cold. It usually goes like this:
Me: Brrr...I'm cold.
Loved one: Why? It's not cold. You're crazy.
Me: I DIDN'T SAY "IT'S COLD." I SAID "I'M COLD." IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE COLD FOR ME TO BE COLD. I'M COLD BECAUSE I'M COLD, AND YOU DON'T GET TO DICTATE HOW I FEEL.
Granted it's gotten to be a bit dramatic, but we have the same exchange so many times that it's gotten to the all caps level.
I feel the same way about the generic moms that I keep reading/hearing about/overhearing in Target.
And it's cool for me to say all of this, because knowing what I know about generic moms, they'll tune out immediately after this sentence: I haven't had anyone's baby. Kid free over here.
Alright, now that they're all gone, can we non-parents commiserate for a second about how somehow, just because someone we know had a baby, our entire existence without one is suddenly devalued?!
You: I have had the longest week...I'm so tired.
Generic mom: Oh really? You're tired?! You're not tired. You don't even know what tired is until you've had a baby!!!!!
So you're telling me that all of the times before you had someone's baby--every all-nighter, or when you worked a 16 hour shift at the ol restaurant, or when you had that issue with insomnia, or in hour 11 of your 15 hour road trip, or when you got that really cheap room in Vegas but realized it was actually so cheap because da club was right outside and didn't sleep for three days--NONE of those things made you actually tired? You were just pretend tired? You fell asleep at the wheel for that microsecond before you started bouncing in your seat and putting your head out of the window because you weren't really tired?
That's stupid. You were tired then. You're tired now. Are you more tired now? Probably. But you were tired then too...and I'm tired from my effing work week.
Generic mom: HOW DARE YOU DEVALUE THE WORK I DO AS A MOTHER?!
I'm not. I'm just saying...tired is subjective, you crazy b. Now let me hold your kid while you nap.
And on top of that, even though I've had no one's baby, I have, in fact, experienced real love (I know--it seems crazy since I've never looked into the bright beautiful eyes of my own child who just slimed out of my lady business, but I have), been overwhelmed, been a giant sweaty mess (complete with the vomit of another person on me), felt true happiness and found lots of meaning in life.
And if you didn't have someone's baby, you would still have lots of chances to do/experience/live those things too.
But I'm hopeful that if you don't have someone's baby, you can avoid the other-person's-vomit thing. It's really terrible. I'd go as far to say that it's MORE terrible than having the vomit of a little baby who shares 50% of your genetic makeup and who's helpless without your love on you...but what do I know?
Cheers to the freakin' weeken'. (It's Monday).