Thursday, May 3, 2012


I'm assuming this blog will be the longest living thing about me for these reasons:
--the internet is forever (if it can survive that tsunami a while back, it's set)
--there aren't a lot of other people with my name being born (I Google it all the time)
--the OTHER thing I want to be remembered about me for a long time, bringing snacks to our weekly staff meetings, has a solid end date when humanity stops eating meals and we all revert to eating super vita-filled meal pills (note: if I am not already dead at this point, I will be soon after the pill thing happens.  Don't judge.)

So obviously, this blog will be the longest living thing about me.  That's why I need this blog to know the following things:

Hey Blog,

If you're reading this after I died, I've died.  I need you to be sure the decision makers in my life (likely still Cousin) know some things.  I'll say three things, but it might end up being more, and you (you of all people, Blog) KNOW I'm not going to come back up here to edit this.

1.  I want to be cremated.  I've given this like 11 seconds of thought, because it didn't need any more thought because I am POSITIVE about this.  If there is ever any question about the circumstances surrounding my death, I want everyone to be left wanting just a little more.  Who was it that said "Always leave them wanting more."?  Marie Antoinette, I think.  Anyway, once those questions arise, I want there to be absolutely no body to exhume.  Burn me up, and scatter my ashes at the first place you go after you pick them up.  I have no preference, because other than Victorville, I kind of like everywhere for one reason or another.
"But what about El Centro?"
I know...but I even kind of like it there, because I always think "I'm 1/4 of the way to Phoenix already!!!" or "I'm 3/4 of the way home from Phoenix already!!" when I'm there.

2.  I want ALL of my journals cremated with me, unread.  I've kept them since I was in 3rd grade, have saved them all, and let's be honest, if they were read by anyone but me, I would no longer be remembered for this blog.  In all the worst ways.  Just burn them.  My friend LeAnn has strict instructions to make this this happens.  I swear to everything, if anyone reads them, if there's a chance that my spirit can come back, even if it means giving up on eternal Taco Bell served at the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas's Wicked Spoon with thousands of bite-and-pee-less puppies (heaven), I will come back and make your life the worst.  Every time you try to "get intimate,"  I'll be there singing Muppets songs.  You will HATE it.  And I know ALL of the Muppets songs, in all the voices, and don't get tired of them. 
"But what about me?  I can read them, right?"
No.  No.  No.  Unless you are no one ever, ever, you can't read them. 

3.  Here's who my stuff goes to.  I might change this later, but I found this in an iPhone note on my phone titled "Last will and testament" that I (apparently) wrote one night.  I don't remember this, but it was pretty good, so I want to make it more perma here.
-LeAnn W gets all my journals on the condition that they're burned immediately, unread (consistent even when I don't know what's going on!)
-My brother and sister in law get all of my cash money (not much...maybe more when I kick it...unless I never mature [possible]) and computer (sell it)
-My parents get all my insurance money (sorry about the student loans)
-Cousin gets all of my music and furniture (because forcing her to sell one half of the couch, two kitchen table chairs, etc. is redic), and my car (if I actually own it at that point)
-Aiko gets all of my clothes (because giving them to her makes me feel like I'm not giving them away at all, because they're still in the family)
-Ashley gets all of the baby clothes you'll find in my closet (because I have been stocking up for my nephew to an embarrassing extent)
-Andra gets my nail polishes (because I know she'll use them)
-Darrin gets the chair (this was in the note, so I wanted to keep it real here, but I do not know to what this is referring)
-Melinda gets my jewelry (just in case I ever get real jewelry, because I know she will take the best care of it, ever)
-Catharine gets all of my shoes (I think they'll fit, but if they don't, she'll know who to share with)

I think that about covers it, Blog.  Thanks for keeping this safe.


  1. First off, I'd be honored if I am still a decision maker in your life when you die in 2145. I'll likely outlive you by a day or so since I'm a vegetarian.

    Secondly, thanks for the couch...I do expect it to still be serving us faithfully in 2145.

    Thirdly....any chance I can convince to you to put together an abridged and edited memoir out of your journals? Ever since that day I watched you read them all and crack up I've been dying to know what's in them!

  2. Ha ha you are going to live forever. Don't you ever die! Thanks for the goods, but I'm so old I'll be long gone before you ever go anywhere! xo

  3. Also I second The edited journals!