YOU DON'T KNOW ME, IPHONE

My iPhone has been effing with me big time lately, and I KNOW it's on purpose.

Every time I type "if," it changes it to "of."  When I want to say "of," it changes it to "if."

"But Shan, the I and O are neighbors.  I'm sure you are just typing it wrong."

NO I AM NOT.  I watch it change EVERY TIME.  I KNOW it knows what I want to say.  This phone has literally saved my life so many times...I KNOW it's smart enough to determine that I'm not trying to say "Hey, let me know of you're thinking about coming by," or "If course I miss you!"

T-H-E keeps getting changed to T-E.

Dear iPhone,
I promise you, you son of a bitch, I will never be texting about the chemical tellurium (especially not by just using it's periodic symbol), "tea" in Spanish, or TECO Energy Inc. on the stock market.  JUST ASSUME IT'S T-H-E.  You're so good at assuming that "Mrkinfe" is actually "Melinda."  How can you not get it right with THE???

I want to say THAT, but keep saying GHAT.

I know ghat is a word, but maybe let's look to a little context and assume I won't use it regularly.  Here's a simple rubric to help determine if the user is more likely to say "ghat" than "that":
1.  Does the user live in Southern Asia?
2.  Does the user live hear a holy river?
3.  Does the user often refer to large bodies of water, and steps that lead to it?
4.  Do you think the user wishes she had an easier way to talk about all of that? 

(sidenote--I believe, with all my heart, that the iPhone can reason in this manner.  I mean, have you even used one?!  They can tell you where you parked, and how to get there, and where along the way you should eat.  They know.)

If yes to 1-4, then stick with "ghat."  If no, let's go with "that."

That's all for now...but never all for ever, because I'm always annoyed by things like this and never annoyed by things like world hunger, etc.