- getting some dogs
- my husband starting the Renaissance Periodization diet
- lots of other things
- me getting pregnant
Just kidding.
About all of that--there is so much info out there I may die. For an info-hoarder like me, it legitimately feels like I'm being smothered by Google results literally every time I have a question. Also, this insight isn't going to be valuable.
But anyway, here are some real questions I've asked medical professionals and super moms along my journey. I hope it's so meaningful to you that it convinces you to go ahead and have that baby, or affirms your decision to go ahead and not have that baby.
Q: Is it possible to gently doze off while pregnant, and be awakened later by a nurse handing me my clean baby?
A: This is not possible. No matter how much you stress "I'd like the most medically-intervened birthing experience possible, please", they do demand that you remain awake for the process, unless something really traumatic happens. Not that I'm wishing for something traumatic to happen, buuuuuttttt the more I learn about childbirth, the more I'd like to just skip it. Nothing about it seems beautiful, guys, except for the part where you get the baby at the end. And that can happen even if I'm not awake.
Q: So cloth diapers, huh?
A: A lot of people still choose to do this. I've already waxed poetic about it, and am happy to report to you that my feelings have changed zero percent now that this is in my very near future.
Q: Is there a way to ensure this baby is not a picky eater?
A: No. I mean, you can try to give this kid all the same food you eat, but apparently every parent eventually caves and gives kids what they want to eat at some point, because they don't want to be responsible for their kid dying. This is, no lie, my greatest fear of motherhood. I will legitimately melt down if my kid is a picky eater. I am unwilling to live a life of chicken nuggets and mac and cheese, so if this is my future...I don't have an end to this sentence. I just have no idea how I will be able to handle this.
Q: Wait, car seats expire?!
A: YES. No one will give me a straight answer on this one, but from what I can gather, it's a mix of "safety regulations change" and "baby corporations are greedy and play on the fears of new parents." Anyway, check that date.
Q: Can dogs eat pineapple?
A: Yes, but not in large quantities. I give them the center part of the pineapple that's too crunchy for humans and they are SO happy about it.
Q: What books should every new parent read in preparation for a baby?
A: EVERY BOOK ALL THE TIME, EVER. For real though, no two people have recommended the same book, and half the books one person recommended, someone else was like "Oh whatever you do, do NOT read that book." I've resolved this internal tension by only re-reading 90s Michael Crichton books. Timeline really holds up. I regret nothing.
Q: Is there a position I can sit/stand/lay in which my tailbone will not hurt?
A: No.
Q: Do I really need to watch any of those videos of actual birthing experiences?
A: Let me go ahead and sum up 24000 reasons people will tell you to watch these videos: no, there is no reason that watching these real-life births is necessary. Should you watch them if that shiz is interesting to you? Sure. Will the fact that you watched a bunch of other women give birth somehow communicate to your body in a way that will affect your birthing experience in any way? No. Will watching these videos give you extremely graphic images of what could possibly be happening below the belt on your big day, but whether it's happening or not, nothing about your birthing experience will change? Sure. Do you want that? Imma leave that up to you.
Q: Is morphine during labor still a thing?
A: No.
Q: So I was a ten pound baby and my husband was also a ten pound baby. Is there any chance of my lady business not getting all ripped up if the baby ends up coming out of there?
A: No.
Q: Hey wait why don't my underwear fit?
A: Oh hey so everything grows when you're pregnant. Like, EVERYTHING. So my tried and true medium Gap Body chones a--are too tight, b--do not provide enough coverage and c--are already not thick enough for everything happening down there. Maternity underwear = totally a thing. I spent 30 minutes on Amazon today exploring. I'll keep you posted.
Q: You know how on TV you meet the doctor that will deliver your baby at the first appointment, and they're amazing, and you love them, and they rush to the delivery room even if they're at a family wedding when they get the page that your baby is arriving? This is real, right?
A: No. Wait, maybe that's just a thing here. I'll be more specific: if you live in a big city and have a regular old HMO and don't have a lot of "moving parts" to your "birth plan", this is a no. 15 appointments later, and I have only met a series of really nice nurses and midwives, and the doctor who will deliver this lil bundle will be Dr. I'm Working Today, The Day You're Here Giving Birth. I'm ok with this.
Q: Is watching The Handmaid's Tale, all about people losing babies while pregnant or having messed up babies, streaming now on Hulu, a good idea while pregnant yourself?
A: Not really, no.
Q: Am I going to cry a lot?
A: I'm happy to report this is a "not necessarily." Unlike most Hallmark movies promised, I have had zero mood swings, zero breakdowns, and zero instances of "OMG WHY AM I CRYING RIGHT NOW." But earlier this week I did see a meme of a dog with a thought bubble that said "sometimes, the human presses their head against mine to figure out what i'm thinking, so i just think really hard about how much i love them and i hope they figure it out." and it was a picture of a big dog smiling and I did get teary because my dogs just love me so much and I don't even deserve them.
Q: Hey how am I going to reign in this whole "I feel so empowered and eat whatever I want all the tiiiiime!!!!!!" thing that I have going once I have no baby in here?
A: This is going to be bad for you.
Q: For real though, how much weight should I expect to gain?
A: Well if you're 5'8, you can gain 20 lbs, but if you're 200 lbs now, you can't, and if you exercise, you can gain 15 lbs, but if you exercise and you're 200 lbs, you can't gain any, and if you are vegan, you should gain 25 lbs, and have you had the pinch test for your BMI yet because then you can gain 25-30 lbs, but if you haven't, we're going to go ahead and guess your BMI and tell you you can gain 12 lbs, and if you are having twins, eat a lot more, but if you aren't, you can gain however much you feel healthy gaining. Hope that helps!!!
Q: Remind me again why people keep asking me really personal questions all the sudden?
A: So I have had a few strangers touch my gut, and it was weird (most weird award goes to: Ukrainian woman working at Robbins Brothers who initially insulted my wedding band for being too plain, then said "OF COURSE THIS IS WHY!!!!" and cradled my bump, or in her mind, "the reason I went with a $40 wedding band to go with my engagement ring instead of another Robbins Bros investment piece."), but you know what's more weird? People you barely know asking you super personal questions about your body. The only thing that has changed about me is that there is a baby in my guts AND it's now impossible to hide--we did not all-the-sudden get super close over the weekend, person from Finance. Here's a simple test when you're wondering how to open up a conversation with a pregnant girl:
"Would this thing I'm about to say to a pregnant girl make sense if I asked a 50 year old man I don't know well?"
Some examples:
- "Hey bro, don't you need to sit on the edge of this booth at our lunch meeting? Because you're going to have to pee while we eat?"
- Bro: "Uh why are you talking to me about bladder control?"
- Pregnant girl: same response
- "Hey man I can now visually confirm something is changing on your body, medically speaking. How's that?"
- Man: "Why on earth would you observe and then bring up a physical change to my body? I don't even know your last name."
- Pregnant girl: same response
- "Good morning sir, how's everything going with your medical condition? You gonna come back to work when it's all resolved? My mom didn't, and it was the best option."
- Sir: "This is an inappropriate question, and if you were in HR, it would be an illegal question."
- Pregnant girl: same response
- "Dude--you don't look like you have a medical condition. I have been staring at your body, and you still look good, even though you have this condition."
- Dude: "Hey can you stop looking at my body and commenting on its shape? Thanks."
- Pregnant girl: same response
So now you're all caught up! Hope this cleared up a lot for you. Off to sleep peacefully for the next 14 weeks and wake up with a kid!
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