Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Here's something I hate: that girl who's the only one dancing.

It's been a little while. Sorry about that...last week was a huge downer. But THIS week...this week is looking up. I decided to celebrate a better week by writing about something I hate.

Every good event/situation has music. That's not to say every event/situation with music is good (dentists' offices, movie scenes where beloved pets die, etc.), but in order for an event to be the best event, music is involved. Sometimes, in the truly best of situations, there is dancing to this music. I believe that almost any music is danceable (see Mary and me getting called out for dancing too much by security at Imogen Heap). But sometimes, those situations turn worst...and it's all because that one girl is dancing alone.

"But Shannon...every dance party starts with just one girl."

No, they don't. What about dance parties that start with one guy, or with three girls? Exactly.

INEVITABLY (and I say that knowing that there are for sure exceptions to this rule...but I'm only leaving room for like two exceptions, and Sarah Z is one, so if you're also that girl, you better answer first, before someone else takes the other spot), that one girl who's dancing alone is doing it because a--she thinks everyone loves her, b--she thinks that she is an amazing dancer, and c--she thinks that people are better for sitting and watching her dance.

We are, girl, because you look like an a-hole.

There are three kinds of Alone Dancing Girls.

First, the "Hey everybody...come see how good I dance!" girl.

She's the worst. This girl really thinks that she, through years of going to prom with older boys, has mastered THE moves to be the most popular girl on the dance floor. And lucky for her...she is...because she's the only one on the dance floor. She generally tries her best contemporary/lyrical dance moves that involve arms flailing (that she learned on So You Think You Can Dance), in combo with her best prom moves, which involves whatever people do to Juvenile's "Back That Thing Up." It also always involves a lot of open mouth moves, and eyes closed moves. In the best cases, there will also be hair flipping, and several "point to someone out there and try to get them to join you on the dance floor, but not really, because spotlight's on you!" waggles. Those moves are hit-makers, do NOT get me wrong...but only when you're dancing with a group of friends. When you're all alone, it's super desperate. It's especially bad when she keeps looking back at the crowd to make sure that people are looking at her. Stop it. If you were a good dancer, someone would go dance with you. I give this girl 30 seconds of self-love-dancing before I start hating. Maybe it was a dare. You might think that by dancing with her, she'll love you, but really, she'll be mad that you're stealing her spotlight, and everyone else will think you, also, are SUPER desperate.

Second, the "I don't know if you knew this, but I am trained in dance." girl.

She's the worst. This is the girl who takes great care to do a couple of "trained dancer" moves that, by the way, Gina, we all do when we're alone and doing dishes, or vacuuming. She'll be the one that runs into the middle of the open space (P.S. Alone Dancers always have to have a TON of space, to ensure that a lot of people see them. You'll notice that they never start alone dancing in a small area where there aren't many, many people) and hops up on one toe, or spins around ballet style (just want to emphasize how untrained I am right now), or (this really happened to me last week or so) does a bunch of super freaky, unattractive-to-anyone-but-Michael-Flately Irish step dance moves. Stupid. Seriously? Stop it. In the best cases, this girl will try to insert some tap moves into whatever she's dancing to, because without fail, tap dancers think they're the most talented and classy of all the dancers, and that tap fits any style of music. This girl wants to ensure that everyone knows that she's "trained in a studio" under whoever, whenever, and she's better off (than you) for it. Do not try to dance with her...she'll try to get you to be her swing partner (no matter what music is on), and will get annoyed when you don't "pick up the choreography."

Third, the "I'm too drunk to know this is embarrassing...DANCE IT OUT!!!!" girl.

This girl isn't the worst, but only if she is later embarrassed by being this girl. She usually does a lot of inappropriate moves, and sometimes falls. In those cases, she's the best.

I could go on, but actually, I can't. Happy payday, world.

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