Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Congratulations on drinking your coffee black.

That's what you wanted to hear, right?

Congrats!  You drink something without something in it!  You did it!

Now shut up about it.

Guess what?  I'm extra, extra tired of people thinking that by drinking black coffee, a--they're uhmaayyyzzzinnnggg and b--they're better than people who don't.

I often eat french fries without ketchup, but I don't scoff at all the dippers around me.

"But if you put stuff in your coffee, it means you clearly don't like coffee, because the stuff makes it taste different!"

Obviously the stuff makes it taste different, but that doesn't mean I don't like coffee.  Let's bet, I don't knowwww, $300,000 that you put ketchup or mustard or mayo or all three on your hamburgers, butter on your toast, dressing on your salad and choco-syrup on your ice cream.  Do you go around telling people that you don't really like hamburgers, toast, salad or ice cream?  Hell no.  Don't even try to tell me you do.  Just because you add something to something doesn't mean you dislike it.

Also, why do you care what I order and like and don't like?  Don't tell me about me.  Leave me alone!!

"If I'm going to drink coffee, I might as well drink it black."

Really?  Do you also only drink liquor and never cocktails?  Noyoudonot.  Leave me alone.

"Black coffee is stronger."

This is obviously not true.  Think about it for five seconds.  Done?  Cool, then you have realized that by adding milk, you don't negate the caffeine content of the beverage to which you've added it.  If, by "stronger," you mean "tastes more like ass," than alright, it's stronger.  You can have that one, and not leave me alone.

"If you wanted cream and sugar in your coffee, then you should have ordered cream and sugar!"

This is the worst argument ever.  If I wanted a big cup of hot cream and sugar, I would have ordered it, and been openly judged and (hopefully, if they have a conscience) shunned by the barista, because that is the sickest thing I've ever heard.  I don't like drinking sugary milk!!  Maybe--and I know this is going to sound crazy--maybe I like the taste of coffee WITH cream and sugar in it.  I know, right?  It's almost too crazy for me to say again, which obviously means I'm going to.  I like coffee...and I like it...with stuff in it.  I don't like the coffee without the stuff...and I sure as hell don't like the stuff without the coffee.  Why don't you just eat packets of ketchup?  Oh, because that's gross.  Leave me alone!!!

Caveat--if you drink your coffee black just because you happen to prefer it, that's awesome. Thank you for not telling me all about it, and not telling me I'm doing it wrong.  You're not doing it wrong either, sister.

So again, really great work on the huge accomplishment of drinking something without adding anything to it.  You know, when you really think about it, you should be congratulating ME for the time and effort it takes to get the perfect amount of cream, sugar (letsbereal it's Equal) and coffee in my cup, and I should be calling you lazy.  Pour and run?  Really?  It's like...you don't even try.

Mine's prettier. 


  1. I have been waiting for a new post! I have tried to give up coffee, made it 9 months with NOTHING positive to come out of it. I have tried to drink it black and it tastes like crap. I even was on atkins for a time and ordered a latte made with pure cream, also tastes like crap. My morning coffee of late is wonderful with a melted salted carmel in it, 2T+ of warmed half and half, a tsp. of sugar and 2 refills of whipped cream. (m. h.)

  2. Oh man, that sounds amazing. I basically want to go get this right now!!!

  3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abX97QPbkyk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

  4. Well said! I really enjoyed your post. . . people can be soooo annoying.