Worst Twitter Ever

This is not real, so don't get your hopes up.

My brother and I know someone who is super nice, and super boring. Seriously, a conversation with him is like talking to an Almanac...not in that he's really knowledgeable, but in that it's extremely factual and to the point...no fluff...no character...no fun. Here's how an actual conversation went once:

Brother: Hey man, nice truck. Is it new?
Him: Yeah, it's reliable.
Brother: Cool.

End of conversation. There's nowhere to go from there.

Anyway, said person started a Twitter (in real life), which led to an hour long text exchange between my brother and me predicting this guy's future tweets. I laughed and laughed (alone, on the couch). Here are my favs from that convo, and more that I've been thinking of all day, because I can't stop thinking about it.

"Buckled up today. #clickitorticket"
"Drove 11 miles. #goodgasmileage"
"Watched the debates last night. #crooks"
"Finished my homework on time. #goodplanning"
"Youth group later. #godofwonders"
"Got peaches on sale. #lookwhatsinseason"
"Got the truck washed. #takecareofitittakescareofyou"
"Just ate a sugar-free pudding. #halfthecalories"
"10 year record low this morning. #wheresglobalwarming"
"Just finished Everybody Loves Raymond episode. #tbsreallydoesknowfunny"
"Shouldn't have had my steak rare. #texasbeef"
"Downloaded Courageous in 15 minutes. #whyipayforhighspeed"
"Blizzards half off tonight. #meetmeatdq"
"Hung up all my plants. #pleats"
"Going home to work on my elevator speech. #FBLA"
"A movie with Zooey Deschanel...I'll be there twice. #cutebeatshot"
"Kissed a girl and kept my hands to myself. #truelovewaits"
"Ran a mile. #workingonmyfitness"
"Brushed my teeth for the full 3 minutes. #nodentures"
"Ate a sno-cone. #cornsyrupisthesameassugar"
"Called home. #familymatters"
"Stayed up until ten studying. #noregrets"
"Always chew more than I think I should. #dontwanttochoke"
"Can't wait to support my team. #sports"
"Ate some great ice cream earlier. #benandjerrys"

This could literally be an all day thing. Can't wait to see how the world's most boring person fares on the Twitter.

Worth justifying: anything a kid does is funnier if that kid is chubs

Imagine skinny kids doing these things:

--smashing their face with their hands
--laughing like crazy
--eating cake and getting it all over their faces
--running
--wearing a shirt that's a little too small

Your thoughts? I'm gonna assume a lot right here.

--smashing their face with their hands: "No big deal, kids do weird stuff all the time, and she probably did it because you asked her where her nose was, which was annoying."

--laughing like crazy: "Yeah, that is pretty funny. Laughter begets laughter, right?" (that's right assholes...begets)

--eating cake and getting it all over their faces: "Every kid does this at one point or another...it's not really that funny unless it's your own kid, which I don't even know for sure, because I don't (think I) have any. I do like cake though."

--running: "Unless they fall or something, not too funny."

--wearing a shirt that's a little too small: "I just wonder why they don't have another shirt on. Doesn't your mom have clothes that fit you?"

Now imagine chubby kids doing these things:

--smashing their face with their hands
--laughing like crazy
--eating cake and getting it all over their faces
--running
--wearing a shirt that's a little too small

And again, your thoughts (a LOT of poetic license):

--smashing their face with their hands: "OMG...THERE IS SO MUCH FACE. AND IT'S SO MUCH MORE EVIDENT WHEN IT'S ALL MUSHED UP. IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'T TELL WHERE THE CHEEK ENDS AND THE CHIN BEGINS."

--laughing like crazy: "OMG...LOOK AT HIS BABY JOWLS JIGGLING WITH EACH LAUGH. I CANNOT STOP STARING AT WHERE HIS EYES SHOULD BE BUT AREN'T BECAUSE OF ALL OF THE CHUB AND LAUGHING."

--eating cake and getting it all over their faces: "OMG IT'S SO FUNNY BECAUSE HE IS ALREADY CHUBBY AND EATING CAKE...SOMEONE IS FOR SURE GOING TO POST THIS PICTURE ON FACEBOOK WITH A SARCASTIC COMMENT AND IT WILL BE IN HIS WEDDING SLIDESHOW AND WE'LL ALL REMEMBER IT. KEEP EATING THAT CAKE LIKE WE ALL WANT TO."

--running: "OMG...LOOK AT EVERYTHING BOUNCING. DO NOT EVEN PUT THIS IN SLOW MOTION LATER."

--wearing a shirt that's a little too small: "OHHHHHHMG THAT SHIRT SHOULD FIT HIM BUT IT DOESN'T BUT IT WOULD FIT ANOTHER KID HIS AGE. LOOKS AT THE TUMMY ROLLS AND ARM ROLLS AND CHIN ROLLS POPPING OUT."

PROOF POSITIVE: Funny kids are best, and chubby kids are funniest, ergo chubby kids are best.



**It's cool for me to say all of this because I was a ten pounder at birth.

Here's something I hate...

When people do something they thought for SURE would kill it, and look around at everyone expectantly....waiting...and making everyone feel uncomfortable.

If you went for it and it wasn't funny (which happens to me often because a GOOD NUMBER of things I think are so funny no one else really does...dogs in drivers' seats, anything a chubby kid does, the sound two full jars make when clunked together...), just move on. It's cool. We all do it, and we all hate when we're forced into a reaction.

Scenes from a train

"Ladies and gentlemen, our next stop is Glendale, nine minutes. That means in nine minutes...we're gonna be in Glendale!!!!

I gotta meet this crew.

My In-Depth Movie Reviews: First Edition

DO NOT SEE ONE MORE MOVIE UNTIL YOU SEE THE IRON LADY. I WILL BE SO MAD IF YOU DO!!!

WHAT???

From an actual student application today:

“I desire only to save my genes mailmen for my future wife, only after I get married to her.”

I'm dying right now...not in the good way. I'm literally (not literally at all--look at all these words) speechless.

Your future wife is in for a reeeeal treat.

PS get your grammatical shiz together, kid. The apostrophe lives.

this is real.

I derive an unusual amount of air in my self-esteem balloon (thanks, DARE Officer Lewsader) because of the fact that one of my Pins was re-Pinned 223 times in 20 minutes.

Just needed to admit that.

Here's something I hate: grocery check out PIN machines

Thanks, retail, for allowing me to swipe my card rather than writing a check, or paying in cash.

NO thanks, retail, for making it SO MUCH.

**Let's just get this out of the way rruull quick--this is going to be the most first-world of all of my first-world problems. I'm almost embarrassed at how much this bothers me, but serious...it KILLS me, and I don't think I can let it go without getting it out.

**Another thing you need to know first...I always stress a little when it comes to checking out at the grocery. I just want to be ready to swipe that card and clear out as soon as possible, in order to keep things running smoothly. I'm pretty sure no one else behind me even cares, but I just care so much.

Ok, back to whatever the hell we're talking about--grocery store check-out PIN machines. Why, why, why can't we just choose ONE way of interaction with them? Here's what my check-out at the Freasy looks like:

--scan items
--tap the self check-out screen to indicate that I'm ready to pay
--tap the screen icon of the card, because that's how I'll be paying
--move to the PIN machine, and swipe my card
--grab the pen attached to the machine, tap that YES, I am choosing to use this card as a debit
--use my fingers to push the number buttons to enter my PIN on the physical keypad
--press enter on the keypad
--get the damn pen again, tap YES to verify the total on the touch screen
--tap NO that I do not want cash back
--get my receipt and run

JUST PICK ONE. Touch screen, fine. Pen, fine. Keypad, fine. All of those...not fine. EVENTWOOFTHEMISNOTFINE.

Listen. I know that you can allow me to touch the screen, because part of this process involves me touching the screen. Why, then, can I not just touch the screen for my PIN? And I KNOW that the physical buttons work, so why can't I just push the NO button to tell you I don't want any cash back, rather than grabbing the pen? I CAN SEE THE BUTTONS. They're right there. They're

right




there.

I think the real reason it's scho schtressful for me is because in the great rush to get out, I get my card out early, so I have that in hand, and the pen, then I have to push the buttons so I have to take the time to put the card away, or just drop the pen, just to pick it up again...it gets me every time. And every time I think "I just need to write this out so I can let it go."

Fingers crossed that it was just a "say it and move on" thing.




It never is with me.

OPB

Seeing super, super crazy kids at the mall makes me both more terrified to have my own kids and more excited to have a niece or nephew.

I'm so down with OPB.

Things I know now that I wish I'd always known

Oh yeah, not a lot of these things are important (maybe the food ones), so don't look for anything that matters here. But they are clearly about things most important to me, which, in re-reading this afterward, is a little embarrassing.

Buying designer denim is better on eBay.

So I have a thing for designer denim. I feel a little guilty about it, because I feel like that's something that assholes feel/say, but in college, my good friend convinced me to try on a pair of jeans, and for the first time...they actually fit. They were comfortable, they fit just right, and I bought them...and they lasted forever. Literally (figuratively) forever--I finally wore a hole through the booty last summer, and was devastated, because that ripped-jean-rip is not at all in fashion.
But seriously, what jeans last that long?? Best jeans.
And since then, I've invested in some pairs...at the rate of not even a pair a year. I get that they cost more, but really...I'm not sure I spend more than an average gal overall. ALSO...did I mention they fit?? I don't spend 45 minutes trying to find a top that hides the gap in the waist, or shoes that are juuuust the right height to make the leg look long but not hit the floor...you get the idea. Anyone with a body type like mine that involves hips that don't lie, longer-than-average-ish legs and plenty of junk...Paige jeans changed my life.

But I have recently discovered the bester best part...these jeans are ALL OVER eBay. Seriously. So many sample sale jeans go up on eBay...I had no idea. So my current strategy is to go to Bloomingdales, because they have t-h-e best selection ever--seriously--prove me wrong--try on everything, find the brand/style/wash/size that I want, and eBay that shiz. They're all on there, and they're always cheaper there. Some are worn, which I get can be too much for people, but a lot are new with tags, just left over from sample sales.

Go crazy. Not really though--one every year and a half-ish, when styles change. That's all.

Deals aren't deals if you weren't going to get the drink without the deal.

It gets me EVERY TIME. I never want the drink, but always think "Look at how nicely they've grouped everything...I'll just get the deal." Then I regret it, because I don't want any of the drinks they have, my car cup holders don't hold the cups (thanks Europe), and no matter what it is, I inevitably throw 2/3 of it away. Just get the freaking Nachos Bell Grande and the crunchy taco.

Oh, I want that so much right now.

Floor tickets are totally worth it.

You KNOW you're always gonna wanna dance a little, no matter who you're seeing. And no matter what, it's too awkward to do that from seats. You never know quite when to stand, it's hard to handle the people behind you sighing when you stand at the wrong time, you're always afraid you might topple down the bleachers, and the guy next you has to get up to pee SO MANY TIMES.
Getting floor tickets is totally worth the hour of standing, the minor pushing, the awkward bump-ins, etc. to be on the same page as everyone around you. No resentful girlfriends, no uncomfortable parents, no kids to step on down on the floor. Just you and a bunch of people like you, which means no one will stare at your not so great moves. Or mine.

Ok, just mine.

Only buy lingerie on sale.

Nothing is more of a guilt-inspiring purchase to me than full price chones, because I have seen how cheap they eventually get. The bra I spent $45 on is now at the VS outlet for $6. The same one. And about 1100 other ones, because the VS outlet is a giant warehouse of pink and lace and bathy-aroma. I have only once in my life NEEEEEEDED a bra real fast to the point that I couldn't wait for a sale or truck it to the outlet. I still get mad when I wear it because it was $45.

I promise you...whatever lingerie you're looking at will eventually be on sale for less than half the price. Don't give into the hype....and stock up when they're 88 cents.

Dirt under fingernails...Silly Putty.

Seriously. We all have dirt that we can't get at with a hand-wash. Don't hate...just jam your finger into some Silly Putty. Good as freaking new.

Taco Bell crunchy tacos are only 170 freaking calories.

I have wasted so much time feeling guilty about eating crunchy tacos when in reality, they're like 100000 times better for me than:
--two pieces of whole wheat bread
--a low fat bagel
--oatmeal with raisins
--a turkey breast pita, no mayo
--a large banana
--veggie stir-fry
--1/4 of any muffin ever
--five slices of honeydew melon
--one can of peas
--three eggs
--four Tootsie Pops

I could go on, but even I'm bored of that Google search. But seriously.

And let's be real...Things that are tastier than a crunchy taco and have fewer calories:
--none of those things.

Hair curls curlier with a flat iron.

WHY??? Why?? I have no idea. But my curling iron gets hotter than my flat iron, and my flat iron curls so much better. Section of hair, clamp at top, turn and pull the section, wild curl. And it lasts for DAYS (if you don't shower [which I don't]).

Cobblers are so worth it.

Suurrrrrrriously you guys. I bought shoes half a size too small, because I loved them and they were so important and the last pair...they stretched them for me...they're perfect. I go through heels, wear holes in soles (inner first), scuff toes, rip seams...and for like $7, the shoe guy just fixes it. And my shoes generally look better than when I bought them when he works on them.

It's him or a bunch of new shoes...ormaybeboth.

Best excuse when assaulted by a sales person: "This seems like a great birthday present, and I'm just meeting with my mom to birthday shop! I'll have to bring her here!"

Embarrassing that I routinely get sucked in by people selling things, trying to make their commission, wanting me to sign up for something, etc., but this is fail proof. I don't even feel bad that it's a lie anymore. It gets me out the first time, every time, and would've saved me from SO MANY awkward "yeah, I mean, I want to, but I just can't..."

Giving up brown soda for three solid months will make you hate it.

I PROMISE. I promise. Just try it. No cheats at all--that's key--it has to be completely cold turkey--but three full months with no brown soda, one taste and you'll want to spit it out. Or you will, depending on whether you're in a nice car or outside or something.

Love,

Used to have 6 Dr Peppers a day and hasn't had one since 2002.

I'm not easily embarrassed, but...

...I was the other night.

Embarrassed, I mean...it wasn't really easy...I worked hard for it.

Two things to make this make sense:
1--my street has no street lights, and isn't near anything city, so it's super dark, and
2--my car has a cloth top.

So I'm a big car singer/dancer...the more redic the song, the better. The crazy songs are the easiest ones to sing along to. Come on--you all know you have one or two (or 900). So coming home late the other night, I may have been singing and dancing along with a song that may have a part that just says "wigglewigglewigglewigglewiggle...wigglewigglewigglewigglewiggle..." etc. So I wrapped that part up real nice like, then turned off the car, got out and started walking up to my door. As I was crossing the street, I heard, from two guys who I had not seen in the pitch blackness...

Guy: Um, so, how about those Lions?
Other guy: Yeah...

Damn it. They were for sure just standing there doing their thing when I for sure interrupted with the reckless abandon of a San Diego State girl, and was for sure oblivious to all of it.

That, everyone, was embearrassing.



Get it?

here's something I hate: *happy sigh*

Listen, everyone. I get that we all text, IM, email, BBM (is that the thing? I don't even get Blackberry), blog, whatever more than we talk now, and I'm alright with that. I don't like talking on the phone either. But PLEASE...just leave me to assume your physical reaction. PLEASE don't asterisk tell me in detail what you're doing asterisk. Why? Come on--do you really need a why??

1--It makes it awkward. "I just love cookies *happy sigh*" Why are you sighing about cookies to the point that you want me to notice it?? It we were having this discussion in person, would you really draw attention to the fact that you sighed after saying that you loved cookies? Let me just answer for you--you wouldn't. And you wouldn't because it would be awkward. If all this textual communication is supposed to be a substitute for verbal communication, let's try to keep the two fairly similar. "I just love cookies. Did you hear me sigh? Because I tttooottallllly did."

2--Where the hell does the punctuation go?? This isn't really a good point, I know, but I just really struggled with that sentence above--does the period go after "sigh" before the "*", after the "*", at all??? I don't know. And I


hate



not


knowing.

3--It makes you sound like an 11 year old girl. ANYTHING THAT YOU DO WITH AN ASTERISK (other than noting a footnote in your thesis) MAKES IT SEEM AS THOUGH YOU ARE AN 11 YEAR OLD GIRL. Stop it. Stop it forever.

4--They already invented emoticons to take care of this. Listen, it took me long enough to warm up to emoticons (and don't even start with the noses...that's another post), but I get how they can convey something that you can't really say. "Oh, I totally love getting rear ended ;) " (hg). I get it--you're being carcastic. (HOLD THE HELL ON...I mean to type sarcastic, but it came out carcastic, and I just loved it so much that I am going to keep it. My hands basically just typed a combo word that my brain didn't even think of. I'm so zen right now.). So we've all come to accept emoticons...do we really need to revert? "Oh, I totally love getting rear ended *wink*"

Stupid. Don't.

Cheers to another thing that I hate that doesn't matter AT ALL.

you GUYS.

Not to make this all serious...but you guys...if this old, white man...



...tells Mitt Romney that he has to launch a nuclear missile into LA...HE HAS TO DO IT. HE HAS TO. If he doesn't, he won't go to Mormon heaven.

YOU GUYS!!!!! You guys.

this SHOULD be embarassing...

Was talking last night about t-h-a-t moment when someone gets into your car and t-h-a-t song that you were listening to before when you were alone comes on and it's t-h-a-t awkward.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on whether or not it's you in my car, I have long since given up on impressing people with the music I love or don't love, because I love and don't love all the wrong things (see life).

Case in point, I got into my car this morning for work, and this jam was on:



You're welcome.

I cannot apologize for loving this because IT'S SO GREAT. If you were to get into my car and this shiz came on, I would say "I cannot apologize for loving this because IT'S SO GREAT."

And we'd listen to all of it.